Have you ever had a SO in therapy?

Button5807

If so, did you discuss what went on during the sessions?

I'm polling you guys because apparently the input I gave wasn't good enough.

Anon I. Mouse

My FI and I both have gone, or do go, to counseling even before we ever met one another. Our willingness to do so, and the work we have done in therapy, is one of the reasons we have such a great relationship and want to marry one another.

My FI currently goes as he is still dealing with some issues from his past military service as well as a career transition. In the past he has gone due to a relationship breakdown (couples and alone) and just to learn more about himself (self-awareness) and how to relate to others.

I am going currently as sort of a "check in" and it never hurts to become more self-aware of my own patterns and issues. I have also gone in the past for issues such as anorexia (when I was a teenager), the death of a partner (when I was in my early twenties) and due to a relationship breakdown (in my mid twenties).

We both also talk with our counsellors about our anxieties about our upcoming marriage (we don't have any about marrying one another, but we do have some about the "institution" of marriage itself and what is involved with that, as well as about our projections, expectations, perceptions (which we also discuss with one another, counselling just helps us bring things to light we may not have even thought of!)

Anyway, we do talk about what goes on in our sessions, but also respect that if one of us does not want to for any reason, that is okay. Therapy is always a very individual thing. Even if you go as a couple, at the end of the day it is all about YOU and if your process (or FI's process) at this time involves him not sharing everything...well that is what he needs right now.

noelle24

Are you talking about couple's therapy Button? Or discussing with your FI what happens in his individual sessions?

My FI was in counseling before we started dating (but while we were friends), and went once or twice while we were dating. I was talking to someone for a few months a few years ago.

Therapy is an intensely personal thing. I don't feel comfortable sharing details about the things I talked about.  But on the other hand, FI is the first person I turn to when I'm upset, so he already knew the gist of why I was there. 

I never pried about FI's visits.  He's shared some things with me, but I don't feel the need to push for more.

I guess the point of my rambling is that as long as you feel "in the loop", and aware of what the problems are, then you don't need to have in depth discussions.  However, if the result of the sessions is that your FI feels he needs to talk with you about specifics of your relationship, then yes, I'd talk about it as in depth as he feels is necessary.

If your FI feels that he needs to discuss the details with you, I'd set some time aside to just listen to him and respond as best you can.  However, on the flip side, you are NOT his counselor, and if you start to get overwhelmed by it, then it's okay to suggest that the counselor is better equipped to handle certain things.

Gah, it's hard to give advice without at least a few details.

Button5807

Sorry for being sparce on the details but I don't have many myself.

A friend of mines bf just started seeing a therapist last week and when he came back from the session he said he didn't want to talk about it and she's been beating herself up over it since.

I saw a therapist for 7 years so she asked me if I ever shared, I told her that no one had ever actually asked me what went on there but I didn't think I would have shared if they did. To me that room for those 50 minutes a week was a place for me to say things out loud that I probably wouldn't otherwise. I couldn't stand the thought of censoring myself in there if I knew I would have to rehash it when I got home.

She wasn't satisfied with my answer so I went to see if I could find her other opinions.

cupcake_rampage

If I were you, I would probably tell her that her bf's therapy most likely has nothing to do with her whatsoever.  I don't know how long they have been dating, so I'm not sure whether she might have an idea of why he is going, such as if he has a difficult family or issues from his past that have maybe cropped up again.

There are so many potential reasons he could be going to therapy right now.  The holiday season brings up a lot of old and familial issues for many people.  If they just recently started dating or if their relationship is getting more serious, he could be deciding to go to therapy to work out issues that he realizes he is carrying over from an old relationship that he wants to work out before going further with her.

I realize I never really post here, so getting advice from a relative stranger might seem kind of WTF but both my parents have been going to therapy on and off for over half my lifetime, and they both deal with it very differently.  My mom talks about what goes on in her therapy constantly, because she is very emotions on the outside, and likes for us to know what's going on behind her behavior at home.  Dad, on the other hand, has never spoken to us kids about what goes on and rarely speaks to his therapist either.

Therapy can be intensely personal, and I guess I would just advise that your friend try very hard not to take it personally.  It probably has nothing to do with her, and if it does, she will find out sooner or later.  She would do best, I think, to not press him about it.  She less she stresses about it, the more likely he will be to open up to her about it anyway.

Sorry that was so long, but I hope it's helpful. 

felicity and reverie

I have been in therapy for awhile and do not enjoy rehashing it when I get done. I am at my most vulnerable and I am extremely emotionally drained when I am done with my sessions and to summarize that to someone at the end would be overwhelming.

My FI neither wants, nor expects, to hear about my sessions. He is not a therapist and he does not feel qualified to help with all the problems. He is very supportive, but I keep my therapy separate so that my problems don't overwhelm our relationship.

Anon I. Mouse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ever-therapy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:05ff10b5-3239-4a32-af3f-85a7bd89551dPost:22dd07f7-2324-480c-ad6a-c947ff441a27">Re: Have you ever had a SO in therapy?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry for being sparce on the details but I don't have many myself. A friend of mines bf just started seeing a therapist last week and when he came back from the session he said he didn't want to talk about it and she's been beating herself up over it since. I saw a therapist for 7 years so she asked me if I ever shared, I told her that no one had ever actually asked me what went on there but I didn't think I would have shared if they did. To me that room for those 50 minutes a week was a place for me to say things out loud that I probably wouldn't otherwise. I couldn't stand the thought of censoring myself in there if I knew I would have to rehash it when I got home. She wasn't satisfied with my answer so I went to see if I could find her other opinions.
Posted by Button5807[/QUOTE]

Ha, well, the first thing I thought of when I read that was perhaps your friend should go to therapy to talk about why she beats herself up over her bf not sharing what goes on therapy...;)

Anyway, as has been mentioned - therapy is a very, very personal and invidual process. He may not feel ready to "rehash" her sessions with her, or he may just be opting not to.

Maybe some of the stuff going on does relate to her and he is just not ready to share yet, or comfortable talking that way with her (many couples  aren't always honest with one another about what is going on for them or fear "hurting" the other partner with their honesty...and I don't know their relationship but this may be going on).

Anyway, it is his therapy, and his process. As I said, FI and I do "rehash" our sessions, however generally we have already discussed all those issues beforehand too at some point, and those "reshashes" are opportunities to follow up and explore more. However, not everyone is ready, or able, to be that vulnerable yet with their partner.