How do you / would you choose?- guest list

mookow86

So we've been trying to hash out the guest list with our families. Our venue cannot physically hold more than 130 people. We knew this going in, and made a potential guest list before booking the venue. We knew it would be tight, but that our families and closest friends would fit, and that was good enough for us.

But my mom sent me a list that has 100 people on it (just for our side!)- about 60 family/close friends and an extra 40 of my parents' friends. And I've just recently thought about some of my newer friends that I've made in grad school. Basically the choice right now is between inviting my mom's third cousins who I never see, long-time friends of my parents that I haven't seen in a few years, or people that I see several times a week but have only known for three years. Blech.

So my question is how are you deciding/ how would you decide who makes the cut for your guest list? Does family trump everyone else? What about old friends you've lost touch with vs new friends?

csousa1

Are you and FI paying for the wedding or are parents chipping in? That plays a large factor sometimes.

Hazel_B

it isn't easy. A big factor will be who is paying. 

I've had friends give each set of parents a certain number of seats for non close relatives and they get to decide how to fill them and that is their limit. That'll take the pressure off and you have a very good excuse of a 130 person limit. That way you don't fully have to choose the people.

[Deleted User]

I like Hazel's idea. After seeing how BF's brother's wedding is going...I can already tell that the guest list will be a struggle when we get to that point. I am planning to sit down with BF and determine how many people WE want to have there. Then, I'll split the remaining seats that we can afford  between the 2 families and let them decide who else they want to invite. That way we don't have to say "but we don't know so-and-so".

mookow86

My parents are helping with about 7% of the total cost. FI's parents are contributing a little bit more.

Hazel, that's a good idea. I was thinking about doing that too.

lilphillips14

My first instinct would be to sit down with your FI and have you both make a list of the first people who come to mind who you know you want to come to your wedding. Then, if you have people left over, go with your gut or people you would like to be there. After that...well...sometimes, family have to celebrate with you another way. Not everyone comes to see a newborn when it's born, but celebrate with announcements and pictures. A wedding sometimes has to be the same way.

Good luck with your guest list!

CCO2012

BLAH!!!! This sucks!!! The first time I was engaged my small 100 person wedding increased to 300 about over night because my parents and his parents thought they needed to invite everyone they knew!

Here is my advice... You and FI make a list of your own including everyone most important to you guys including people you might have on your respective parents' lists. Then show it to you families and say, these people have to be there for "OUR" wedding, you can each invite X more people that you would like to include. End of story. This is somewhere you have to put your foot down, especially if it is because of the venue! If its because of money, then the parents need to start ponying up extra cash for their extra friends outside of your budget.


Just MHO... This part sucks and its super hard. But, stick up for YOUR wedding and YOUR wants and needs and it will all work out!!!

cu97tiger

So, I'm pretty sure I know what answer I'd get over on E, but I'll probably be in this situation, so I'd love your input. Is it ok to invite a couple friends and cousins without a plus one? I'd rather invite two close friends, than only be able to invite one of them and their plus one. None of the people I'm referring to are currently in a relationship, and I know they would understand, but is it still tacky?

Keep in mind the singles would have lots of friends/family that they know, so they wouldn't be the lonely guy at the table, if you KWIM.

ETA: Sorry for the thread hijack Mookow

mookow86

Thanks for the advice, ladies. I guess I have been afraid to put my foot down for whatever reason. I've never really thought if it in terms of 'our' wedding, as many of you have suggested. I've just been thinking that I have to please my parents. Someone else who was giving me advice yesterday told me something similar...that we're starting our own family, and this is not my parent's family. Just hope my parents see it that way too!

Blue & White

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:eac7dcf1-df10-459e-bc26-dc931032ab9b">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I'm pretty sure I know what answer I'd get over on E, but I'll probably be in this situation, so I'd love your input.<strong> Is it ok to invite a couple friends and cousins without a plus one?</strong> I'd rather invite two close friends, than only be able to invite one of them and their plus one. None of the people I'm referring to are currently in a relationship, and I know they would understand, but is it still tacky? Keep in mind the singles would have lots of friends/family that they know, so they wouldn't be the lonely guy at the table, if you KWIM. ETA: Sorry for the thread hijack Mookow
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

As a cousin, I've been invited without a guest and didn't mind (my guest was several hundred miles away though...).  As a close friend, I won't usually go without a guest, because I have to fly to most of my close friends' weddings. These are usually combined with visits to the family since both BF & my families live there - so we always go together.  If someone only invited one of us, I'm not sure we'd go.

lennonkdc

@Tiger- I think that if the person is not in a relationship and will know many of the other guests, then its ok to just invite them. I would try to put all the singles at one table though, just so no one feels like a fifth wheel.  

Blue & White

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:1d434139-d7c7-4d72-b119-8b3bb69c32df">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice, ladies. I guess I have been afraid to put my foot down for whatever reason. I've never really thought if it in terms of 'our' wedding, as many of you have suggested. I've just been thinking that I have to please my parents. Someone else who was giving me advice yesterday told me something similar...that we're starting our own family, and this is not my parent's family. Just hope my parents see it that way too!
Posted by mookow86[/QUOTE]


Gotta reply to yours too! :)  I would take your mom's list and your FI's side's list and then you and FI get the final say.  Just make sure that you try to invite in groups (i.e. don't leave off an uncle if ALL the other aunts and uncles are invited).  As for parents' friends...my parents only have one friend who will be invited to my wedding, but I've grown up thinking he was my "second dad" basically.  So while I get mom and dad want to invite everyone they know, I'd really prefer if they didn't.  But they're still gonna try, in my case :)

mookow86

Tiger, I don't think it's tacky. I'm doing the same thing. I'm inviting my college roommates, two of which aren't in a relationship. They will all know each other, so I really don't think it's an issue. Plus, I don't think they would bring anyone even if I gave them the plus one.

I think as long as they aren't in a serious relationship, and as long as they know plenty of people there, it is not tacky at all.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:eac7dcf1-df10-459e-bc26-dc931032ab9b">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]So, I'm pretty sure I know what answer I'd get over on E, but I'll probably be in this situation, so I'd love your input. Is it ok to invite a couple friends and cousins without a plus one? I'd rather invite two close friends, than only be able to invite one of them and their plus one. None of the people I'm referring to are currently in a relationship, and I know they would understand, but is it still tacky? Keep in mind the singles would have lots of friends/family that they know, so they wouldn't be the lonely guy at the table, if you KWIM. ETA: Sorry for the thread hijack Mookow
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

Tiger, I believe the general rule is if they do not have a SO, and will know people and have people to hang out with at the wedding, then it is not entirely necessary for them to have a date. However, if any of these people are travelling any great distance to be there, it would be considerate to allow them a travel companion/date.

cu97tiger

Thanks everyone! Those are my exact considerations. Several of these people are local, (two are even roommates) and there will be several other MBA-buddies that they can hang out with. I'm smiling now because you all just helped me slice off 5-10 from our guest list!

MissOwl

FI and I gave his family X number of seats and that has worked beautifully. when his mom started talking about distant family who 'should get and invite but probably won't come' i mentioned that since my family is so large we're doing wedding announcements. i explained that they will announce our marriage so that relatives will feel included but will not carry the obligation of a gift like an invitation. that seemed to work like a charm. hope that helps!

SKP82

You invite the ones who you think will get you the best, most expensive gifts.  Duh!

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:eac7dcf1-df10-459e-bc26-dc931032ab9b">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE] Is it ok to invite a couple friends and cousins without a plus one? I'd rather invite two close friends, than only be able to invite one of them and their plus one. None of the people I'm referring to are currently in a relationship, and I know they would understand, but is it still tacky? Keep in mind the singles would have lots of friends/family that they know, so they wouldn't be the lonely guy at the table, if you KWIM. Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

As long as there are other friends/family for them to be around then they don't need a +1, IMO, especially if they aren't in a long-term relationship. Flavor of the week/month doesn't count!!

To OP, you gotta stand your ground and tell your mom that a list of 100 people isn't going to fly because the venue only holds 130. If your parents are only contributing about 7% then really they should have 77% of the guest list. It's just not fair at all. Either ask her to make a new list of a specific number of people or say that you will look at her list and pick a few people you know.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:1d434139-d7c7-4d72-b119-8b3bb69c32df">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice, ladies. I guess I have been afraid to put my foot down for whatever reason. <strong>I've never really thought if it in terms of 'our' wedding, as many of you have suggested. I've just been thinking that I have to please my parents.</strong> Someone else who was giving me advice yesterday told me something similar...that we're starting our own family, and this is not my parent's family. Just hope my parents see it that way too!
Posted by mookow86[/QUOTE]

Yes.  This.  You are an adult and this is the beginning of YOUR family.  If you don't stand up to them now, it will never end. 

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:045901c4-7a3f-40e0-b1ad-c7810c1e57d4">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]@Tiger- <strong>I think that if the person is not in a relationship and will know many of the other guests, then its ok to just invite them.</strong> I would try to put all the singles at one table though, just so no one feels like a fifth wheel.  
Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:26bac25c-4aa4-4554-9157-7eb515f4c62f">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]You invite the ones who you think will get you the best, most expensive gifts.  Duh!
Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

My sentiments exactly!

I'd give you my input, but it's pretty much everything everyone else already said. :-)

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_would-choose-guest-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0943f98d-9b8a-4e0e-9e8f-21d3bb4f5868Post:3c500614-a2af-4467-b47f-5c290f730aa5">Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do you / would you choose?- guest list : Yes.  This.  <strong>You are an adult and this is the beginning of YOUR family.  If you don't stand up to them now, it will never end. 
</strong>Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

AMEN!!!! My grandma still tries to control my mom sometimes, its really sad.

NurseyK

Greg and I had to set boundaries from week 1 because both his parents and mine wanted to invite 20 extra people. I put my foot down right away.

Here are our rules:

Close family and best friends is the key.... We do not have the desire, or the funds, to have a large wedding. Since we're paying for 75% of it, I use that as bargaining power to have the last say.

If we do not have an active personal relationship with you, then you are not invited.

Friends of our parents who we have never met, or we hardly know, are definitely NOT invited.

Among our own personal friends, if we have been friends since the stone age, talk and hang out regularly, or have been an integral part of our relationship they ARE invited.

Psychotic family members/friends who have been known to protest at weddings, use weapons, or regularly are aggressive and pick fights are NOT invited. It really doesn't matter if you are my mom's sister or Greg's best friend's partner. NO NO NO.

We are telling our parents that we are keeping it to 50 guests... and since we already have more than we want, we cannot add to the lsit. Secretly though, we are budgeted for 70... so if someone throws a royal fit and the relationship is at risk for being ruined, there will be room for negotiations. Orrrr if more show up than expected, we will be ok.

Hope that helps.

cu97tiger

Oh, I definitely plan on being flexible if these friends have SO's when it's time to send the invites out! I should be getting my parents list today, which will be interesting. They are contributing around 25%, but their list will probably be about 70% of the total list (thanks to my mom's family). I feel a lot better about it now, thanks everyone!