Shot myself in the foot?

dimplez606

I’ve NEVER liked the idea of marriage very much and I’ve always been very open in my opposition of the idea of having a wedding….but in May I was pregnant and miscarried and all I’ve been able to think about since then is getting married. I know that probably sounds crazy. But I grew up in a pretty broken home and all the married people I had to look up to were either miserable or divorced, so my ideas of marriage weren’t exactly healthy….I’ve been with my bf since 2004 and his parents are pastors so you can imagine the pressure to marry we’ve had to deal with over the years. It finally got so bad a few years ago that I SCREAMED at his parents and told them if they ever tried to push marriage on us again that they were going to be the end of our relationship and we’d never get married. It worked and we’ve been living together happily without any pressure for about 3 years. The problem is NOW that I have the itch how do I bring it up to my BF who is convinced the last thing on earth I ever want to do is get married???? Did I pretty much shoot myself in the foot here? Should I even be acknowledging this crazy desire now? Or should I chalk it up to my hormones going crazy with the whole pregnancy thing?

Any and all opinions are much appreciated.  Steph

bethsmiles

What are your BF's feelings about marriage? Does he want to get married someday? Have your views (not feelings but actual opinions) about marriage changed? Why? Have you talk to anyone (like a therapist or a pastor) since your miscarriage?

I would suggest talking to your BF about your feelings and trying to sort through all of your emotions to figure out why you have had a sudden change of heart. But remember its ok to change your mind about things but you should understand why you changed your minds, not just go off of impulses.

jeanacorina

I agree with Beth.

You do sound really upset and confused. I think you need to talk this through with your BF and probably a counselor of some kind as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. That sort of thing must wreak havoc on a person.

It's perfectly okay to change your mind and want to get married. Just be sure you're doing it for the right reasons. Take your time on this. There's no rush.

Beads921

I agree with Jeana that you need to give this some serious thought, and talk it through with your BF and a counselor. I also agree with Beth's point in asking whether or not your BF wants to get married, because that will definitely influence how you bring it up with him.

My BF has always said he never wanted to get married. The reasons don't matter, he just doesn't like weddings or the general concept of marriage (and for the longest time couldn't make the distinction between weddings and marriage). I've just come to accept this, and honestly, I wouldn't want a 'traditional' wedding no matter what. But, if he came to me tomorrow and said, "I've changed my mind", I wouldn't look at him like he was retarded or anything. It might surprise me a bit, yes, but people change their minds about things all the time. I'd want to have a meaningful conversation with him about why he changed his mind, and what he now sees for the future.

If this is something you really think you want, you need to discuss it with your partner. Like I said above, people change their minds, and that's perfectly OK and acceptable. You're only human.

(PS Sorry for the italics...I'm not really sure what happened, and unpressing the italics button doesn't fix it.)

zipis1

I'd say to to counseling for the miscarriage to make sure that you really do want to get married and that this isn't something you're subconciously doing to "fill the void," so to speak.

After that if you still want to get married I would just casually bring it up to your BF. "Hey dear? I've been thinking lately that I may actually want to get married at some point after all. How about you?" Having been together so long I would hope that he would be open to this kind of communication.

PandaBurr

I agree about the counseling.

Honestly, the advice I can give you is to talk to him. He should be able to understand your feelings on the subject have changed, and you need to be comfortable enough to talk to him about this stuff. You need to talk it out together and decide whether or not this is just dome "crazy desire" or if you really do want to get married.

dimplez606

Thanks everyone!
I did  counseling after the miscarriage and heard a lot of these same things about filling a void and healing. I honestly don’t think this new desire to get married is “to fill the void” because a wedding in no way could replace our child. I'm pretty sure this isn't just a sudden whim I've woken up with, I think that where we are at this point in our relationship has led me to change my opinions on marriage and weddings and the whole thing. I still don’t know If I’m ready for a WEDDING but I’m pretty convinced that I’m ready to be a wife.
Now as far as the bf, I know he's always wanted to get married with the big traditional wedding, so I guess now I just have to find the right words to bring it up. I guess with all the crap I’ve talked over the years about the subject though it just makes me nervous to bring it up and look wishy washy lol 

Thanks again everybody for the advice… I’ll keep you posted on how that talk goes

jeanacorina

Oh, so you're a little embarrassed to say "You know all those times I said marriage sucks? I think I was wrong..."?

If you really do feel like this is what you want, and that you've grown into it instead of being pushed by circumstances... then just sit down with your boyfriend and be candid about it. It's okay to be embarrassed or uncertain how to bring it up. The important thing is to get that conversation started.

He's understand, and it sounds like he may be thrilled.

But whatever you do, DO NOT get roped into a big wedding if it's not what you want. That's definitely something the two of you will need to discuss and compromise on. Planning a large, traditional wedding is stressful enough... it's far worse when it's not actually something you enjoy doing or care to have.