Anyone have a close (young) friend go through a divorce?

DanieKA

Well, it happened. The first of my close friends is getting a divorced. He asked for it on January 1st. Which just happened to be her 30th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY (he's such a d0uche). 

This was not a good marriage. We all knew it. But I realize that doesn't make this easier for her. But I have no idea what to say to her or how to support her. I told her I'd be there whenever she needed. I'd take her out for drinks or her and her daughter (yeah, they have a 3 year old..) out for coffee and playtime. I'm totally there physically but I have no idea what to say. 

We're young. My friends have young marriages (she was the second one of us to get married. This October would have been 6 years). And on top of that she has a young child. In the end I have no doubt this is the best thing for her, and I'm not worried about her meeting someone new (eventually). She's always been the kind of girl who attracted tons of smart, funny, quality guys 99.9% of the time. She just married the .1% guy who never treated her well (he came into her life at the end of college when there was some upheaval in her personal life and some estrangement with her father. I'll say it...Daddy issues). But again, knowing that doesn't make this time easier for her. And to make it worse, everyone is kind of wedding and baby crazy this year. A good friend of ours is getting married in September. Two other good friends are hoping to get pregnant this year. I know she would love to have another baby. She would "joke" this last year about wanting to just get pregnant so both her kids would have the same father (OH GEEZE, NO! BAD IDEA!). 

Anyone with any experience? Anything I can do or say that will help? Anyone gone through a divorce at a young age with suggestions? Thanks!

Stina51286

I have one friend who got married at 18 and divorced before 21. However she lived four hours a way at college.

I work for a divorce attorney so I meet with divorcees all the time. The best thing for you to do is just listen to her. Let her cry, vent, whatever she needs and offer to take her daughter here and there so she can get some "me" things done. She may be angry one day and happy the next but its just a way of cooping. Basically people going through a divorce just need someone to sit there and listen to them. Chim in here and there were necessary.

Ollie08

I was young when I went through my divorce. It took over a year from start to finish. The best things that were done for me were like Stina said, just be there for her. One day she will be mad. Let her. One day she will be sad. Let her. And one day she will be happy. Just let her. Offering to help with her 3 year old is great too. My aunt would watch my 3 year old so I could go grocery shopping alone. That was magnificent.

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-close-young-friend-through-divorce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0d3757ff-4f69-4a79-90f0-0013d9684152Post:1d4a128d-f043-4f7e-89db-2f6197bbb3f8">Re: Anyone have a close (young) friend go through a divorce?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was young when I went through my divorce. It took over a year from start to finish. The best things that were done for me were like Stina said, just be there for her. One day she will be mad. Let her. One day she will be sad. Let her. And one day she will be happy. Just let her. Offering to help with her 3 year old is great too. My aunt would watch my 3 year old so I could go grocery shopping alone. That was magnificent.
Posted by Ollie08[/QUOTE]

<div>I never thought about babysitting. That's a great suggestion. I'm sure one minute she will want to be surrounded by people and another just alone. This is a gret idea. </div><div>
</div><div>Yeah, I will just ride her wave of emotions. I'm not one to bash anyone's significant other to them (he is a d0uche, but I won't say that to her. I'll let her trash him or not. Whatever she wants to do). But I want her to feel free to talk if she wants to and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I'm gonna be doing a lot of silent head nodding in the next year. </div><div>
</div><div>And Liv, All of my friends really hoped for this divorce. That sounds awful, but it's true. He's never been good to her. It's still such a shock when it happens though. Despite all their ups and downs and counseling and seperations, I guess I never thought it would actually happen. That she would actually leave him. And I guess, in the end she didn't. He asked for the divorce. But if it took him doing it for the divorce to actually go forward, I guess that's good. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks ladies!</div>

flygirlmeg

If being in your early 30s still qualifies as "young for divorce," yes.  One of my best girlfriends at work went through a long separation, then a divorce, a few years ago.  She still isn't quite recovered.  She has gone up and down more times than I can count.  Sometimes she's mad at him, sometimes mad at herself.  And all I know how to do at those reallyl hard times is be there for support.  That's really what your friend will need from you.  There isn't much you can say but she will probably want to vent to you - though she may not necessarily want you to help "fix" anything or to give advice. 

jemmini6

Just be there and be supportive.  My sister was married at 22, had a baby at 25, and divorced at 27, so I've been down the 'support' road myself (even while not-so-silently being happy - he's a huge twatwaffle)

I will also add, that even after the divorce is final, and after she's 'over' him, with a child in the mix, the drama about it likely won't end.  My sister's exH has surprisingly been an even bigger asshole after their divorce than he was during their marriage (at least now she can just turn off her phone though).  So basically, just be there for support, listen, give advice if you feel it necessary, and just be a friend.

desertsun

I do have a friend whose marriage recently broke up.

I would try to gently advise your friend to, as much as possible, keep the legal proceedings as amicable as possible for the sake of their kid. Try to keep the emotional stuff out of the legalities and paperwork, which can seem impossible, but really is for the best, IMO.

Help her find a good lawyer right away.

Offer to help her move her stuff or pack up his.

I think that if it were me, I would have such a hard time dealing with all the physical property and legal stuff on top of all the emotional stuff, that anything my friends could do to help would be so welcome.

HTH, and sending good vibes and strong thoughts to your friend.

HULU

A girl I graduated with was married at 19, had a baby at 20, and divorced at 21. I wasn't close enough to her to be that kind of "comforting support", but I do know her best friend was there a lot for her, and that the listening and going out for girl time really helped her.

As for a cousin of mine, she's was "officially" divorced for about 5-6 months before she was re-engaged. So I guess she really didn't have a problem coping (since she was probably already seeing someone before their divorce was final).

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-close-young-friend-through-divorce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0d3757ff-4f69-4a79-90f0-0013d9684152Post:6a83b098-f34b-4ee4-9517-1f2fed2249d1">Re: Anyone have a close (young) friend go through a divorce?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just be there and be supportive.  My sister was married at 22, had a baby at 25, and divorced at 27, so I've been down the 'support' road myself (even while not-so-silently being happy - he's a huge <strong>twatwaffle</strong>) Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I love that word.

A friend of mine got married at age 19 and was divored less than 6 months later... after her H cheated on her while she was at basic training. It was sad but we all just tried to keep her busy and listen if she had something to say. She mostly beat herself up about not seeing the signs sooner, since no one really approved of their relationship to begin with. We wouldn't lie, so we just said it was a learning experience (an expensive one) and that it would make her a stronger person. It did, it's 4 or 5 years later and she's doing great.

wink0erin

Also, BF is divorced... I met him a month or two after he and his ex separated and before their divorce was final, so he had a lot going on early on in our relationship. I just listened a lot and was there for him when his ex was doing crazy sh!t.

Luckily he doesn't hear from her anymore, since she went (even more) crazy, got engaged to another guy, got dumped by that guy, got on drugs and got pregnant from a married man. Major trainwreck. BF is pretty glad he dodged that bullet, and I don't blame him for taking his time with me, haha.

dwest2201

I am.  Well, exH and I got a dissolution rather than a divorce, but only because it allowed us to have more say in our shared parenting agreement, which despite him being a twatwaffle we did both want what was best for our son. 

Looking back, I think that what helped me the most were my family and very few close friends who would help me by asking me to come hang out, and not be alone and sad.  Being a good listener and reminding her that it's okay to vent, and that you are here for her will be helpful.  Chime in here and there and always make sure that she is looking for the best interest of the child and not for revenge (not that she would, but some people do that and it's never a good idea). 

Also, my Dad, who had been divorced twice always had some great "I'm not a relationship expert, obviously, but I do know divorce..." words of wisdom, including to stay strong, calm, and choose my battles with exH.  One thing that I learned from my parents is that if you have children it is important that both parties NEVER speak badly about the other parent, no matter how much stupid shiit they are doing, saying, etc. 

Divorces/Dissolutions are messy and painful, even if the love is long gone and the relationship is obviously not working, or is abusive it is still very hard to go through.  I knew mine was coming, it was obvious, inevitable and it still hurt me a lot, mentally and physically.  It hurt my pride a lot to admit that I picked a douche and that I had failed at being a wife. 

Also, just because someone starts dating soon after doesn't mean they are "over it" per say.  BF and I were dating for a long time before my dissolution was finalized.  I wouldn't have even thought of dating someone new, but I knew BF for over 10 years and we just had some instant chemistry.  I do not regret it, but as wink said there was a lot of stuff that had to be worked through and it was not the easiest for BF to deal with. 

RWS2011

I am so sorry to hear about your friend, DanieKA.  While I wasn't married to my child's father, we were living together and had to go through the whole physical separation, working out child support, custody and all that mess.  I will echo some previous posters that while I was very mad at him for giving up on us when our child was only 6 months old, it wouldn't be good for anyone to drag my anger into every discussion.  For a while, it made it easier to be civil by telling myself I was the being "the better person."  It just took time, time for emotions to settle, for agreements to be made, and for a working co-parenting situation to be established.  Sometimes it bothered me when my sister bashed my ex so much because I knew he was doing his best to be a good father and that just because we didn't work out didn't make him a horrible person. So, again it is best to offer your support of her rather than your opinions of him!

Also, my BF was divorced at 30, and said at that time he felt like such a failure.  He was thinking about moving away, making big life changes.  However, he had good friends supporting him.  While he did seem mostly over the divorce by the time we started dating, it took him a while before he would even consider the idea of being married again.

thelamarrs

One of my best friends, who is about to be 20, has been married for two years and is about to file for divorce to her Army husband. They  have a two year old daughter and are going to work on everything when he comes home in a week. 

It's all solely based on the fact that he was a bad H. He has stopped caring about contacting her (he's been in Afganistan for 6 months, and was in South Korea for a year and came back a month before he went to Afgnaistan...) and contantly tells her things like, "I wouldn't blame you for leaving me"/I"'m surprised you haven't left me yet"/generally not acting like he cares about their relationship. Not only that but he crushed her dreams about having another baby when he was home last, and then a week or so ago he told her he was "just kidding with her about it" when she was truly distraught about potentialy not having anymore kids... not only that but his reason was because their daughter was a handful (and he had only been home for less than 60 days of her life when she was 18 mo. at the time). Ugh. 

Peaseblossom55

I have friends who are going through a divorce they were mutual friends before there divorce, they are in their early 30's and married about 6 years.  She doesn't share much about her personal life, but I had no idea, so it was quite a shock.  I always check in with her and make sure she doing ok, and to listen anytime she needs to vent.  I've seen my friend a few times since she announced it, I went to Hs with her but i haven't seen her husband.

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_anyone-close-young-friend-through-divorce?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0d3757ff-4f69-4a79-90f0-0013d9684152Post:d8aff337-6237-4c50-9b4b-3e8aa4bfa733">Re: Anyone have a close (young) friend go through a divorce?</a>:
[QUOTE] I knew mine was coming, it was obvious, inevitable and it still hurt me a lot, mentally and physically.  It hurt my pride a lot to admit that I picked a douche and that I had failed at being a wife.  
Posted by dwest2201[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't mean this to be a post and run! So sorry about that. Thank you all so much for your advice! knowing her, one thing that really would be good would be a physical pressence. Being there so she isn't always alone with her thoughts. It's got to be hard going from someone always being there (even if he is a twatwaffle-I also love that word) to no one at all. Or no one and you are solely responsible for your child. Even though she kind of did everything anyway. Also, helping with the move and all the logitical stuff is a fabulous choice. Moving is a pain in the tush in teh best  of sutuations, so that's something I can help with. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, dwest, this above is really something I'm worried about. Just because she didn't pick a winner, doesn't mean she's a lesser person. Or you. You seem to be pretty kick @ss to me! I know I wont have any control over this, but I just want to be there to help her self-esteem and pride. This choice didn't work out, but she's still an incredible person, mom, teacher, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks again, girls. Divorce blows. </div>

dwest2201

Helping with the move is definitely a great thing and just being there and being willing to spend time with her and her child will show how much you care.  Moving is always a nightmare and kids have soooo much stuff to move, I can't believe I didn't list that before!  Definitely being so supportive and reminding her that she is not defined by one bad choice, or one failed relationship and that everything happens for a reason will help her a lot mentally.

Oh and thanks for noticing my kickassness!

tdwpg1984

My sister got divorced when she was 21, like 10 months after she got married. I don't really have any advice though because the two of us weren't really on speaking terms at the time. The only thing I could think of would be to just be there for your friend, be a shoulder to cry on etc etc.