Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"

whereyat

Hello! First post here (I think).

So ok, here is my situation, Half Venting/Half "what would you do." (Sorry it's long).

Background:
My bf and I have been together for 5.5 yrs.  Our e-ring is being custom-made in Asia (where his family lives)...we've been deciding on design, etc, since....June. (It's October).  We finally have the final design.  Since you can't exactly mail the ring for me to try on, they are going to have a "prototype" for me to try on over Xmas (when we're flying to see his family).  The prototype won't have the diamond in it (which we also already have).  Assuming the prototype fits over Xmas, they are going to make the "real" ring and then we will get it when we see his fam for Chinese New Year (February 2011).  THEN, (I assume?? lol) he will officially ask me then we'll be "officially" engaged.

Sounds good except....it's just eating away at me inside b/c we haven't told anyone!  I really want to bust out w/the good news, but we don't Actually have the ring and thus he hasn't "officially" asked, so you could argue that we dont "actually" have good news. 
It kind of makes me sad when I hear other people getting engaged, but I haven't told anyone argh! Not like I'm trying to steal the limelight at ALL, I just want to be "allowed" to feel happy/excited about it for myself as well as for them!  

Other info: We know we want the wedding to be in Spring 2012 (prob March) and know the location, have talked about some things (wedding party - he already asked his best man lol), though certainly haven't "planned" the whole thing yet or booked anything. So we are on the same page in terms of, we know we want to get married and (roughly) when.

So....I dunno, would you do anything in my situation? Just shut your trap and wait until February, it's soon enough, quit whining? Or maybe have a conversation with your bf, "hey, can we just tell ppl we're engaged b/c all the secrecy is making me sad." 
Is it totally anti-climactic if we "announce" to people now, without a ring...then be like "we got the ring!" in February and people will be like "ok whatever, you already announced your engagement without a ring...." You know?

I think I'm extra-mopey b/c my birthday is next week and I just really want to tell people about this, but I don't know if I'll regret it from telling "too soon" and if I should just, to use a phrase, STFU and wait until it's "official."

Any thoughts?  Thanks for listening to me vent ladies

lrob425

My fiance and I went through that too. We started talking about getting married Sept 2009, but then he lost his job. I didn't get the ring until 2 months ago! I talked about getting married and planning the wedding to some friends, but then I always ended up feeling dumb when months would go by and still no ring. I know you want to talk about it, and you know it's coming, but it's so much better when there's a ring on your finger!! I would just wait to say anything; it's only a few more months

coastiegrl25

I'm in the same situation as you. Well except for the Asia thing.  You are engaged. You get to tell people if you want.  Most of my family and close friends know I'm engaged and waiting to get my ring.  I'll announce it on FB or whatever when I get it so I don't have to explain myself over and over about the ring. 

It's up to you, if you want to tell people tell them. If you don't wanna tell them, in your own words, then STFU about it till Feb .

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:99bf74fc-cd2a-48e3-8a78-7ac07b6faf0a">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I went through that too. We started talking about getting married Sept 2009, but then he lost his job. I didn't get the ring until 2 months ago! I talked about getting married and planning the wedding to some friends, but then I always ended up feeling dumb when months would go by and still no ring. I know you want to talk about it, and you know it's coming, but it's so much better when there's a ring on your finger!! I would just wait to say anything; it's only a few more months :)
Posted by lrob425[/QUOTE]

Thanks, I appreciate it!  It could be that I just needed to be "talked down from the ledge" as it were.  Though you did it in a much nicer way <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /> . 

calindi

I'd talk to your boyfriend to figure out whether or not you consider yourselves engaged yet, or whether you'd prefer to wait for the ring to announce your engagement.  It works either way, you don't need a ring to announce the "good news" - the "good news" here isn't the ring, it's that you both have decided to get married!  So congratulations are in order!  If you choose to announce your engagement before the ring and the expected "formal proposal", then you can just tell people the truth - that the ring is being custom made and you'll start wearing it when it's finished.

If you decide to wait until a proposal with a ring to consider yourselves engaged, then just be happy that you have a man you love that wants to marry you as much as you want to marry him.  Be patient as much as possible and enjoy these last few months "just dating".  Good luck!

Elle1036

Ah, I'm in a very similar situation.  BF and I started looking for the ring in July after we decided that we wanted to get married, and even though we consider ourselves engaged, we haven't made any official announcements.  He wants to do a real proposal his way.  The kicker is that he already has the ring.  He got it like 3 weeks ago, and hasn't done anything with it yet.  Grrrrrr.

Anyway, you definitely can't make the announcement twice and expect the same super excited reaction each time.  If you guys decide to tell people now, then more power to you, but you won't get the same excitement once you actually get the ring.  It'll be more like "ok, cool ring".

That said, I have told a couple of my really close friends, but only the people who knew would genuinely be as excited for as I am.  I've really enjoyed having those people to "gush" with, and they also help talk me down when I start getting really impatient.  (The girls on here are good for that, too).

My advice to you would be to, as you put it, STFU and wait.  When you have your moment, it will be worth it.  Feel free to come on here and vent whenever you start feeling like it's driving you nuts.  I can comiserate.

deburnin

1.) You can be engaged without a ring. 

2.) A few more months of waiting isn't going to hurt anything. Don't cheat yourself or your BF at out of the experience if you aren't ready to say you're engaged without a ring.

3.) Also, who says you aren't allowed to be happy/excited for yourself? It's an exciting and happy time! Be those things!

4.) I also think asking the best man so soon and before you even consider yourself to be engaged weird... And if he can ask someone to be in the WP, why can't you talk to anyone about an impending engagement? My best friend knows BF and I went to look at engagement rings and she's actually the one that tends to kept me sane when I start obsessing too much.

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:bca30ee2-d7c9-4b2e-ab84-84c624c9fc15">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE] 4.) I also think asking the best man so soon and before you even consider yourself to be engaged weird... And if he can ask someone to be in the WP, why can't you talk to anyone about an impending engagement? My best friend knows BF and I went to look at engagement rings and she's actually the one that tends to kept me sane when I started obsessing too much.
Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

I know, I was surprised to hear that he did that, he didn't tell me until afterwards.  I am not going to ask anyone for the WP until we actually...have a date and it's closer, lol.

I really am appreciating everyone's input, glad to know I'm not the only one in this boat!!!

Blue & White

I think I'm the only girl on this board that hasn't gone ring shopping with the boyfriend & doesn't really ever plan on it.  Go figure.

HOWEVER, that being said.  I'd wait until February to make any big announcements.  Although you'll probably want to have a general idea of which country you're getting married in, because it could end up being pricey for one family or the other and they'd probably like to know pretty early.

Plus, it's your birthday.  That deserves it's own special, non-engagement day.  Enjoy what you have now and go on with your life until you're engaged.

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:5a391d30-f29b-4bad-a1cd-c5734a9e0c6e">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I'm the only girl on this board that hasn't gone ring shopping with the boyfriend & doesn't really ever plan on it.  Go figure. HOWEVER, that being said.  I'd wait until February to make any big announcements.  Although you'll probably want to have a general idea of which country you're getting married in, because it could end up being pricey for one family or the other and they'd probably like to know pretty early. Plus, it's your birthday.  That deserves it's own special, non-engagement day.  Enjoy what you have now and go on with your life until you're engaged. :)
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much everyone.  And yeah, good point about my birthday! LOLS.

I think that probably the best thing to do in my *particular* situation, is to wait until we actually do have the ring, just because I do want that whole excited gushing moment from everyone and to be able to show them the ring, as silly as that may be.  And it IS only a few months.  "Patience, grasshopper." <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

I really appreciate everyone's responses, you guys are super-supportive and I'll definitely be hanging out here more. (Was hanging out at the local board previously as we do know the city where we're going to have the wedding).  Thanks again <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

Starlight Kel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:5a391d30-f29b-4bad-a1cd-c5734a9e0c6e">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think I'm the only girl on this board that hasn't gone ring shopping with the boyfriend & doesn't really ever plan on it. </strong> Go figure. HOWEVER, that being said.  I'd wait until February to make any big announcements.  Although you'll probably want to have a general idea of which country you're getting married in, because it could end up being pricey for one family or the other and they'd probably like to know pretty early. Plus, it's your birthday.  That deserves it's own special, non-engagement day.  Enjoy what you have now and go on with your life until you're engaged. :)
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]
You are not alone!  I have not gone shopping and don't want to either!  I want to be surprised. 

OP- Seems like you have stepped away from the ledge! LOL  I think you'll be happy you waited.  Then you can show off the ring you guys have put so much effort into. 

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:5a391d30-f29b-4bad-a1cd-c5734a9e0c6e">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think I'm the only girl on this board that hasn't gone ring shopping with the boyfriend & doesn't really ever plan on it. </strong> Go figure. HOWEVER, that being said.  I'd wait until February to make any big announcements.  Although you'll probably want to have a general idea of which country you're getting married in, because it could end up being pricey for one family or the other and they'd probably like to know pretty early. Plus, it's your birthday.  That deserves it's own special, non-engagement day.  Enjoy what you have now and go on with your life until you're engaged. :)
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

I haven't either! You are not alone.

OP - why don't you just tell people you are talking about getting engaged and that you are designing a ring. I don't see why it needs to be a secret.

loopy82

I also never went ring shopping with my DH.

Tell people you are engaged when you consider yourself engaged.

Sorry I had a hard time reading through the rest of the post once I was told what month it currently was.

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:2b190c4e-5299-4c28-96e0-1bf3006f45e3">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]I also never went ring shopping with my DH. Tell people you are engaged when you consider yourself engaged. Sorry I had a hard time reading through the rest of the post once I was told what month it currently was.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

I did that b/c if this post ever gets "resurrected," ppl will see where it was coming from.  Ppl seem to "resurrect" posts on my local board a lot (New Orleans) and a lot of times it's, "what? Didn't they close down?" Etc....though I know you can just look where it was posted.....anyway just trying to be helpful <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

mellimel19

Personally I'd wait until February, and not even because of the ring, but because you said that you're waiting for an official proposal as well. If you tell people you're engaged now, it might be a little odd for you to tell them again in Feb. when you have an official proposal story to tell people. Just my own opinion, I think it will make it kind of anti-climactic when you tell people about the proposal and show them your ring, because people may not be as excited as they were the first time they heard the news.

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:af017419-6d70-42c5-b658-7021290e5079">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I'd wait until February, and not even because of the ring, but because you said that you're waiting for an official proposal as well. If you tell people you're engaged now, it might be a little odd for you to tell them again in Feb. when you have an official proposal story to tell people. Just my own opinion, I think it will make it kind of anti-climactic when you tell people about the proposal and show them your ring, because people may not be as excited as they were the first time they heard the news.
Posted by mellimel19[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I do agree with this now.  I read something on another board in NEY that, "when it happens, people Will be happy/excited for you," so why rush it.

Since posting this and hearing your well-thought-out answers, I have chilled out or "backed away from the ledge" a LOT more.  I'm actually looking forward to my birthday next wk just on its own, without being like "bleh I can't even tell people about this."  So thank you all so much for your help.

To any lurkers who might be reading, I felt SO much better after I actually posted my question and heard the responses, so just something to consider (that is *if* you're going to be reasonable and accept reasonable suggestions/advice).

rllevy

I suggest you go on the just engaged board and read a few of the hell stories regarding resizing/adjusting rings -- there's a few on every page pretty much. Not suggesting that as a way to imply you're ungrateful but it's fantastic that your ring will be perfect and maybe that will help legnthen your patience.

I totally get where you're coming from... very long story short, my FH hasn't proposed yet (we are domestic partners for legal purposes, have a ring, live together, etc) but tells all of our friends that we're getting married, we just haven't set the date yet.

We can't take the plunge because my older brother needs to get married first. He's 4 years older, almost 30, been with his girlfriend for 8 years, and just moved in with her in June. They are both at pretty stable places in their lives, both are doctors, and she is a few months older than him -- no crazy drama. My brother and I are super close; when I told him I was moving in with my FH last year, he was really hurt and was kind of unhappy that I stole his thunder in a weird sibling rivalry way.

So my FH and I discussed it, and we just have to suck it up and put family first and hopefully convince my brother to propose to his wonderful girlfriend who is going to be an awesome sister-in-law someday unless he keeps her waiting around too long!

rllevy

also, the whole best man thing? I feel like not such a huge thing. My MOH is my best friend -- we met in college, she's my sorority sister, and we have been through the good, the bad, and the ugly together.

I asked her yearrrrs ago to be my MOH, and it wouldn't matter who the groom was -- she would still be my MOH.

imJacksPGbelly

Awww,  I cyber-empathize. 

Sometimes waiting for what you know is coming anyway just gets frustrating and eats at you-- like that there are certain things you just can't move forward on until you accomplish the next step and build some more momentum.

But at the same time, I say try to just buck up for the couple of months.  I envy you the chance to have the secrecy.

1. The idea that if you're holding so much emotion about it not being "now"..  you're not enjoying what IS now..  and then you're holding negative emotions, which never bodes well for anything.

2. What a great surprise.  Don't feel sad that you can't tell yet-- feel ecstatic that you get to dump such a great surprise on your friends and family!!  My mother is incredibly nosey and always manages to figure things out way before she should.  And started asking, back when BF and I were just vaguely discussing marriage .. "Well, if you and BF are considering marriage, then you need to think about x,y,z."   blah blah.  Anyway, she always wants to "get a feel for things" and doesn't want to be surprised.  Then because of legal/custody stuff going on, and a few close friends who know about it-- there are already a few people who know we're engaged, despite not having formally announced it. 

And it sucks!  I so wish I would have just done the big surprise..  There aren't many chances you get to have THAT big surprise, and if you think there's even a chance you'll regret not having that moment, don't spoil it for yourself.  My vote is:  Just take a deep breath, figure out what you are feeling "held back" about by not being able to announce right now, and decide if it's something worth trading for the moment of that surprise announcement.  Then just let it go, and enjoy right now.  If you're just itching to plan..  start planning the dinner party, for the Chinese New Year, and enroll the help of friends and family, so you feel like you're progressing towards something now  to direct your focus on something productive, not just wistfully waiting for February to happen. 

good luck.  Hope you can enjoy the rest of the holiday season too, despite the anticipation. 

whereyat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:28e42604-7890-490d-bd78-d049f2789a9d">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]I suggest you go on the just engaged board and read a few of the hell stories regarding resizing/adjusting rings -- there's a few on every page pretty much. Not suggesting that as a way to imply you're ungrateful but it's fantastic that your ring will be perfect and maybe that will help legnthen your patience. I totally get where you're coming from... very long story short, my FH hasn't proposed yet (we are domestic partners for legal purposes, have a ring, live together, etc) but tells all of our friends that we're getting married, we just haven't set the date yet. We can't take the plunge because my older brother needs to get married first. He's 4 years older, almost 30, been with his girlfriend for 8 years, and just moved in with her in June. They are both at pretty stable places in their lives, both are doctors, and she is a few months older than him -- no crazy drama. My brother and I are super close; when I told him I was moving in with my FH last year, he was really hurt and was kind of unhappy that I stole his thunder in a weird sibling rivalry way. So my FH and I discussed it, and we just have to suck it up and put family first and hopefully convince my brother to propose to his wonderful girlfriend who is going to be an awesome sister-in-law someday unless he keeps her waiting around too long!
Posted by rllevy[/QUOTE]

Thank you and also @Jacks.  I hadn't gone to the Just Engaged board before b/c I thought it would make me sad lol, but whoo boy there is some DRAMZ on there, no offense to them at all, I just wasn't prepared for all that drama....

Yes, I definitely don't take it for granted that we're even at this stage of the relationship.  When we first started going out 5 yrs ago, we talked about getting engaged/married around this time when we turned a certain age, but when it approached and he didn't bring it up, I was starting to doubt things....I was going to bring it up at the end of summer, but VERY fortunately for me, he brought it up on his own before then.  It just drives you batty when you don't think you're on the same page in your relationship, so I *completely* empathize with any ladies going thru that.

I guess I was just being impatient, and I would just....feel better/happier with a tangible confirmation to tell people.  But I do see the value in waiting, they WILL be happy for me when it does happen, and I definitely feel "talked down off the ledge" now. 

That's very considerate of you to wait for your brother, I don't know if I could be that considerate! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-tongue-out.gif" border="0" alt="Tongue out" title="Tongue out" />.  Does he maybe have a timeframe, like "Dude, if you don't do it by the end of this year, then we're getting engaged b/c come on we're not going to wait forever for ya."  Or maybe that is just my impatience showing through again...

rllevy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_half-venthalf-would?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:0fd03227-957a-4548-8233-41c75b49fbb4Post:c2a5a993-e6cb-4234-9f9d-35a018cabaaf">Re: Half Vent/Half "What Would You Do"</a>:
[QUOTE]Does he maybe have a timeframe, like "Dude, if you don't do it by the end of this year, then we're getting engaged b/c come on we're not going to wait forever for ya."  Or maybe that is just my impatience showing through again...
Posted by whereyat[/QUOTE]

Nope, no time frame for him... after the adult hissy fit he threw when FH and I moved in together, I'm waiting until at least next year to ask. To put it in persepective, I finished graduate school in May and at a celebratory dinner with our family (and my FH) my brother did the glass-clink and announced he and his girlfriend are moving in together. I am not a crazy-it's-my-moment kind of person but it's one of those stupid sibling rivalry things... I viewed my gradute school graduation as one of THE biggest days/accomplishments of my life, so him stealing the spotlight made me a little peeved.

Plus, despite the silliness of it all, I truly love my brother and don't want to put any pressure on him to propose before he's ready. I know if I told him that we're waiting for him to get hitched and we're ready and he needs to hurry it up, he would feel pressured and get upset that he's holding us back.

If my FH and I were unable to establish domestic partnership with similar benefits to marriage (eg if he was not a US citizen or if my company did not provide benefits to domestic partners) I'd be totally disregarding my brother's feelings but, because we basically have most of the benefits of marriage other than community property in the event of divorce, spousal privilage, and some tax-related stuff, we pretty much live our day-to-day lives as a married couple with different last names. A few of my co-workers actually thought that we were married for the first 3 or 4 months after I started my new job; it came out at someone's engagement party that FH and I are not engaged/married. whoopsies.