I need to learn patience...sorry if it's long.

cath3888

Hi Everyone!  So I'm new to posting on The Knot.  I'm 21 (I know, begin the sighs) and I've been dating my boyfriend (who is 24) for 2 years.  He's the best friend and partner that I could ever hope to have and is the most amazing person I've ever known.  He's always there for me when I need a hug or a listening ear, or just to relax and goof around.  We've lived together all summer and will continue to do so after I graduate.It's a strange situation...I've had long term relationships before where I thought I was "in love", but none of them compare to the relationship I'm in now.  I don't have to try to impress BF or ever be anything I'm not.  I get along with his family better than I get along with my own.  He encourages me and supports me in achieving my goals.  I just feel completely peaceful whenever I'm with him.  To put it simply, I'm certain that he is the ONE.  We communicate with each other very well and have both expressed that we want to spend the rest of our lives together; we have discussed that it'll probably be a few more years until he proposes.  My fear is this:  my parents had a horrendous divorce, and subsequent (16 year) custody battle over my brother and myself, and it's made me somewhat fearful of marriage.  So half of me thinks that I'm nuts for presuming that I have found "the one" especially at my age because I know the divorce statistics and I know how much one can change in just a few years.  The other half of me peruses theknot.com, looks online at e-rings, and wishes he'd just give me a ring already because we're both so sure.Thoughts/advice?(Please be gentle, I've seen how some of you have responded to others my age...)

salt78

Welcome, cath. First of all, if you had never mentioned your age, I never would have pegged you for 21 years old. The younger set that normally gets flamed here are the ones that come on ACTING young. So you have nothing to worry about. My advice to you is just keep doing what you are doing and don't get too ahead of yourself. It sounds like you guys have had some good communication about taking your relationship to the next step and he very well could be "the one" just as you described. There is just no need to rush things regardless of if you are 21 or 41 years old. If he is the right guy for you, he will still be the right guy for you a couple years from now or whenever you guys decide the time is right to get engaged.

Acrosthec

It is kinda long, but I'm a long-winded speaker as well, so...To summarize for others:  I'm 21 (I know, begin the sighs) and I've been dating my boyfriend (who is 24) for 2 years.  He's really awesome and we live together (paraphrase).  To put it simply, I'm certain that he is the ONE.We want to get married, but it'll probably be a few years still (paraphrase).my parents had a horrendous divorce, and subsequent (16 year) custody battle over my brother and myself, and it's made me somewhat fearful of marriage.  BUTThe other half of me peruses theknot.com, looks online at e-rings, and wishes he'd just give me a ring already because we're both so sure.Thoughts/advice?My advice is that you are not your parents.  Only you will know your situation.  Since your BF and you have discussed that it will be a while longer until he proposes, I would try to enjoy the relationship you have now, and not worry about divorce statistics.  By the time a few years is up, you and he will hopefully both be confident and ready.  But in no situation should you let what happened to your parents affect your future.  Just because they were divorced does not mean you will end up divorced as well.

Mrs.B6302007

Welcome, cath. First of all, if you had never mentioned your age, I never would have pegged you for 21 years old. The younger set that normally gets flamed here are the ones that come on ACTING young. So you have nothing to worry about. Ditto this.  OP, claiming maturity and presenting it are two different things.  You appear to have the presenting part well covered.  So, um, don't let me down. ;-)

rachelcaye

ditto acrosthec & saltYou are not your parents and it is really up to you and your BF as to how the relationship will end up being down the road. Just relax and don't think about the divorce statistics and enjoy being with your BF. Keep the good communication up and it will make the relationship much easier. From what I've seen communication problems leads to arguments and misunderstanding more often than not which if it's bad enough leads to a lot of break ups.That being said just enjoy being with eachother now and welcome to the boards!

noelle24

If you hadn't told me you were young, I'd never have guessed it. Just because you're parents had a horrible marriage, it doesn't mean you will.  In fact, you have a very good example of how NOT to do things.  If you're really bothered by this, I would suggest looking into pre-marital counseling for you and your BF/FI when the time comes.  That's a really good place for both you and your (then-to-be) FI to discuss your hopes and fears about marriage in a neutral setting.

Pirata13

Also, therapy could be an option if you feel it's an overwhelming anxiety. Sounds like you know he's the one, so no worries. But it's easy to see why you may have some concerns about marriage. If you feel it could be a roadblock at some point, talk to a professional. It may only take a few visits to sort things out, or maybe longer. But relax. Sometimes writing/journaling can help too. If you think it's something you need to sort out before you get engaged, do it. Sounds like you're doing fine though.

magsugar13

Stop putting so much thought inot it. You arent getting engaged for years so stop worrying about it now. You do not know what is going to happen in the next few years. Relax and enjoy what you have now.I had to laugh at this one..I've had long term relationships before long term before 19 doesnt count honey.

LindaClaire

mag, while everyone else was saying this girl is smart about what she's saying and doesnt appear to be young, you jsut went ahead and condescended all over a good thing....who are you to say long term before 19 doesnt count?  My parents have been married 25 years, have three kids and a beautiful relationship, they met at 18.  tsk tsk

PandaBurr

I've kinda gotta agree with mag, even though I'm on the young train too. You can't really have too many serious relationships before you're 19. I'd say maybe she had one serious long term relationship.Also, anecdotal evidence means nothing.

LindaClaire

i'll give you the anecdotal evidence thing since one of the main points in cath's OP is that she's fearful of her future based on her parents, so maybe my example was faulty.  I do however feel like any relationship, even high school ones are valuable to some degree.  At the very least you learn your preferences and every relationship henceforth is affected by your previous ones.  I just feel like my long term high school relationships paved the way to the relationship im in now. Everyone's entitled to their opinion of course and that's why we are on these boards so all of the above aside i kinda got second hand defensive at mag's comment and that fueled my last response as well, a comment like, "i had to laugh at this," is not really meant to make anyone feel good and maybe my real issue is that i feel like it could have been stated differently.

PandaBurr

I agree that every relationship is important in that you learn about what works for you, and what doesn't, as well as learning from mistakes. However, how long term or serious can any high school relationship be? After all, you're only there for four years (hopefully). I've had my "serious high school relationships", but only the one that went from my junior year until my second year of college really seemed serious in the end. Other than learning more about yourself and what you like, I don't think being in a relationship in which you're living  in sheltered environment such as high school and living at home is all that comparable. I think you can understand what I mean, because even in your post you say "to some degree".I think the reason mag pointed it out is because the OP is using it as reasoning to glorify her current relationship and justify her jumping the gun. Also, it makes it sound like she's been around and understands all the nuances of relationships.

PandaBurr

Also, it could have been worded differently, I agree, but you pretty much need a thick skin to post around here. I personally like the brutal honesty. :)P.S. You've got mail. I don't know if you saw it yet.

AnneAndJJ

My bf doesn't particularly want to get married - ever. One of the main reasons he doesn't want to get married is because of what he went through when his parents separated several years ago. He and his brother didn't speak to their father for a long time, and it was very hard on him. I got into discussion about bf's reasons for not wanting to get married, and the fact that I'm comfortable with this, on these boards a few weeks ago. Someone pointed out that if we only look at the negatives, we'd never do anything (ie just assume our children would grow up to be criminals, and therefore not have kids). My point is that just because it happened to your parents, doesn't mean it will happen to you. You seem like a smart girl. There is no need to rush into getting married. As someone else said, if he's the one, he'll be the one in a few years too. I think you should just sit back and enjoy your relationship without adding the stress of getting married for right now.I understand feeling torn over wanting to get married, too. I love looking at e-rings, and dresses, and sometimes wish it was me, but when it comes down to it, I know I don't want that yet, even though I am fairly confident I'll be with my bf for the rest of my life.

mermadison

On one hand, you love the idea of love and sparkly things, and on the other hand, the idea of legally binding"forever" is a little scary. This is of course, contradictory but that's ok. My parents did the same song and dance as yours and I myself have a failed marriage under my belt so the idea of jumping on the wedding wagon again is pretty frightening. But rest assured! There will be a moment, whether in a month or a year or more, that everything will click and you won't worry about the act of marriage anymore. I'm not going to say "be patient" because that's lame and impossible. Instead I will reccomend thinking about all the scary parts and start mentally reassuring yourself.HTH

mermadison

Also, I realize that I spelled at least 4 words wrong in my PP post but I beg forgiveness: it's 115 degrees here and the sun is baking my brain

magsugar13

mag, while everyone else was saying this girl is smart about what she's saying and doesnt appear to be young, you jsut went ahead and condescended all over a good thing....who are you to say long term before 19 doesnt count? My parents have been married 25 years, have three kids and a beautiful relationship, they met at 18. Oh, sorry I didnt get the memo that I had to agree with everyone else! Silly me!!! I thought she asked for thoughts and advice. I gave mine. Too bad if you didn't approve of it. So, your parents met and got married at 18? Does that mean they are the norm? Not even close! Do you mean to tell me that you think a long term relationship in HS counts as having an adult relationship? I can see where that  is coming from. I never said they didn't matter, every experience we have in life matters, I said it doesnt count as a LTR!I don't care if you or anyone else liked the way I worded it, I'm not here to blow rainbows and puppies up anyone's a$$. Im here to give my opinion exactly as I see it.

LindaClaire

that's cool, we can be at an impasse, you gave your opinion, i gave mine.

cath3888

Thanks everyone for your advice.  I'm not terribly offended by the more negative posts, but thank you for your concern everyone who jumped to my defense.  It's a message board, so it's inevitable that readers will not know your entire life story.I'll clarify the "few other serious relationships" bit.  I dated a guy from high school through the beginning of college for 2.5 years.  He completely broke my heart, and I learned a great deal about what loving someone does or does not excuse.  I dated another guy for about 6 months, which was relatively short, but long enough to teach me other valuable lessons about control in relationships.

lzimm13

You and I are in nearly the exact same situation. While my parents are not divorced, they often seemed so unhappy that I wondered why they weren't. Everything else is exactly the same down to our age and his age. I have the same fear of ending up like my parents (not to say that my parental situation is comparable) but on the other hand I see his parents and they are the shining example of the partnership of 2 best friends in love. They make me hopeful for the future! My advice is to know that you are not your parents and to find a sort of role model, not someone to imitate, but someone for you to see that it can be done. Most importantly you know you love him and he loves you and you know why you work together so keep it up and I think you'll be ok! thats my plan at least! lol