Settling down.

tiiiffffff

In one of the previous posts somebody said something along the lines 'you don't have to settle down after you get married'.Personally, I think you definitely need to settle down once you're married. Maybe I am interpreting "settling down" differently than others.Opinions?

notquiteblushing

Well I guess it really depends on your idea of "settling down."  I got a lot of partying out of the way before I met FI.  Now I'm a lot more settled but it's less about being engaged then it is with growing up to me.  Also I hadn't had much success with committed monogamous relationships before FI.

lyndausvi

what does settling down to you?I owned a condo, had a retirement fund, healthcare, saving, blah, blah all before I even met DH.Yet even though we are married we still go out to the bars 2-3 nights a week. So what does it mean to you?

ocprincess

To me, settling down can mean a couple of things.1) Level of partying, crazy/wild behavior, and in some cases, sleeping around.  The last of these 100% needs to be gone before marriage if you want a happy, lasting union.  Partying can remain, but behavior at parties, as far as people of the opposite gender are concerned, needs to not be wild and crazy.2) For my dad, settling down meant toning down the level of extreme sports he did.  He was willing to do things that put his life at risk as a single guy, but couldn't feel right doing it as a husband and father.  Personally, I will no longer consider doing things like cross country (eventing, on horseback, not the running kind...I never evented but had at one point considered doing it) since I met my BF because I know what my death or serious injury would mean to him.  I still ride, but I only jump fences that would fall down if I hit them, thus preventing the sort of fall where the horse flips over on top of you.  I don't think that married people who do event are wrong for doing so, however, I think its the best decision that I could make for me and my BF.3) For some it means not moving around so much, as wel as a degree of making good choices about finances, etc.  As in, picking a city to live in and staying there.  I don't think this is *needed* for marriage, however, it is important that if one person has wanderlust that the other does as well.  Basically, as long as you agree on it, I don't see it as a huge problem.I think the different degrees settling down vary from couple to couple.  Things like values, personality type, etc play into it.  For me, barhopping has never been enjoyable, and my BF agrees.  However, that's something that has never really been a part of our relationship.  I was also not one to really have casual encounters, so that isn't a concern either.  I think in general, though, there is a need for an attitude change due to marriage.  That is to say that before marriage, we get to make decisions as individuals, without having someone else who's needs and wants must matter as much, if not more than, our own.  If you aren't married, and you want to pack your bags and move to New York, you up and do it.  Once you are married or engaged (or, to be honest, in any serious relationship) you have someone else to consider.  Marriage means considering that person for the rest of your lives in all your decision making.  I think a lot of people end up unhappy because they don't really let the idea of that sink in before they say their vows.

Norway_T

When we get married we will actually be doing the 'reverse' of settling down.... Currently we own a condo and both work full time. Well we are planning on getting married, moving to the States, and going back to school. I will be in law school, so I KNOW that we will see each other about half as much as we do now.  But we are both ok with this. Marriage for me means that you are committed to each other (exclusively) and make your life plans together, rather than separately.   So even if our life plans are taking a step backwards we are ok with that as it is an investment in our future together. Plus I'm really looking forward to the social scene/partying a bit, (but not heavily) in law school.  I feel that  it is part of the experience, and I've missed out on a real social life moving to Norway for four years and I want to take advantage of my last opportunities to be young and go out before I have kids. GRANTED this will have to be balanced with studies and a husband.  But luckily my partner is a very sociable/independent guy and we enjoy are independent lives as well as our life together. I am NOT looking forward to the being poorer part.