Feel like our situation is rushing/pushing us into getting married

noelle24

Just out of curiousity, what country is your BF from? Somewhere in Asia, right?

tidetravel

Vegas, can I ask what country your FI is from?

jeanacorina

Vegas, I am really glad you understand that long-distance is not the hardest thing you'll face in your relationship. I was kind of worried by your first post. :)That said, I do understand the long, expensive flights and such. As I mentioned, before meeting my FI, I had a boyfriend in England. I saw him once a year. It was difficult and expensive and even a little scary.My point was that moving to another state was a huge deal for me. I basically had to latch on to FI (then-BF) because I knew nothing and nobody when I moved here. I relied on him a LOT, even thought I actually had a job (transferred from where I used to live). I had to completely rebuild a social life, learn a new culture (BIG difference between living in the north and living about as south as you can go in the US), and on top of all that, meet his family for the first time--- and I am STILL trying to iron out the differences between how I was raised and how they expect a (southern) girl to act. I'm not a southern girl. :(Now, I would multiply that by about a hundred or a thousand when you're talking about moving to another country. I can only imagine how stressful THAT will be. I wish you the best of luck, but I also still encourage you to take some quiet time to dig down deep and think calmly about this without stressing out.It's a BIG DEAL. It's also risky to get married in a rush, even if you DO know he's the right person. There's a LOT to be said for the right time, too!Just chill out a bit, don't worry about the logistics of how many ceremonies and where. Think about you, your relationship, and what this will mean. You need to be 100% sure, and you've mentioned that you're not yet.

pinkpinot

Everyone is missing the most important parts here!pvegas - why aren't you engaged yet? I'm honestly just curious and I am not trying to be rude.

jeanacorina

**even THOUGH I had a job***That extra "t" really changes the meaning of that sentence! lol. I DID have a full-time job when I moved here.

pvegas

I never meant 3 ceremonies or receptions! More like a "meet my husband/wife" party, which doesn't seem like a big deal. We have parties all the time for completely trivial reasons just to have fun! For me, the #1 reason of going through these rituals to help build relationships between the people who matter to us and to help start integrating each other into our respective social environments. That's easy to do when you're all from the same town; more difficult when friends are family are flung around the globe. In my mind we are having only ONE ceremony where we make our PUBLIC commitment to each other. That's in FI's country. That's what we'll do after we're legally married. I'm pretty sure that the people from my side who will come will include only immediate family, very close friends, and anyone who is loaded and wants to use it as an excuse to go on a vacation in Europe. My reason for wanting more than one party has nothing do with wanting to be the center of a romcom (and was my boyfriend's idea anyway)! I don't want good friends and extended family to feel pressured to spend thousands of dollars to come to a ceremony in another country in order to celebrate with us. If we had some kind of informal party in the US (a pool party, a BBQ, a luncheon, whatever) at someone's house, then they would have a chance to meet him and share a bit in our happiness, and not feel like they completely missed out just because they couldn't afford a transatlantic flight. Hell, I'm sure some of them don't even have passports! My mom could invite her friends, my dad his, everyone could congratulate them, us...low key, but ultimately saving some people money/grief. I found this helpful: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/getting-married-before-your-wedding

pvegas

@ jeanacorina I actually tried to convince him not to move at first because I know if it was me doing the moving, it *would* be hard for exactly for the reasons you mention. Fortunately, he's lived in the US and Canada before, at any rate, is extremely extroverted and always lands on his feet (the complete opposite of me!)

noelle24

Hello? Is this thing on? Anyone else feel like they are talking to thin air?

notquiteblushing

Pink, that's really not the most important part.  They're planning on getting married.  They started the paperwork already.  Tada!  They're engaged.Anyway I don't know if you can even DO this.  I am not sure if you live in the states but my SIL had to have her family vouch for her relationship before her husband's visa was approved.  It took months and he had to also claim he would support him if he couldn't find a job, etc.  Not sure why it was her father, not her, as she was in her mid-20's.  I would look into the process a little more but I would also tell my family before I upped and married someone they didn't know.

pvegas

@ pinkpinot Well, because we just decided to do this next week! We're engaged in the sense that we are planning on getting married and I've just about finished the K1 Visa app and we decided to start filing the papers ASAP since it's unpredictable how long it will take. Has he formally proposed? No. It helps to be in the same country :-) which he will be starting in a few weeks. He told me that this was something he would do, but I have no idea how/when and I'm not asking. I hope it will be (sort of) a surprise. We thought of keeping it a secret, mostly because we really thought this idea sounded too insane. Then he mentioned telling his mom, but I think I was still clinging onto this idea of a "real" wedding happening the "right" way. I'm starting to feel a bit calmer about this whole thing, and I think the most important first step toward making this feel more normal is to tell the people I love. I'm sure they'll be supportive (except my dad, of course; but he has a history of staring down every many I've brought into the house since I was 15 :-) My boyfriend is an EU citizen. We met in Asia. I now live in the U.S. Although, we actually kind of live all over the world simultaneously. You guys are awesome! Sorry I was so psycho before. I was in a *very* weird and confusing place.

tidetravel

my SIL had to have her family vouch for her relationship before her husband's visa was approved. It took months and he had to also claim he would support him if he couldn't find a job, etc. Not sure why it was her father, not her, as she was in her mid-20'sIt's to combat marriage fraud, NQB.  They want to attempt to establish that the relationship is real, and people aren't just signing papers as a fast-track to a green card.

noelle24

It took months and he had to also claim he would support him if he couldn't find a job, etc. THIS x 1000000.  This is why it bothers my that OP is completely ignoring my comments.  I've looked into these immigration requirements, because I have to go through this MYSELF.Immigration asks for references to VOUCH FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  If you family doesn't know you're married, how is that going to look?Plus, you have to guaranteee to support your H for TEN YEARS.  Divorce does NOT end your obligation.NQB: Was your friend making a good income? You have to prove to the government that you are living at 150% above the poverty line in order to get the green card.  The whole process is ridiculously complicated. 

tidetravel

Vegas - most EU countries are members of the Visa Waiver program.  Which means, if you invite his family to a ceremony here in the states, they WILL NOT need a visa to travel.  They can come here for tourism purposes for up to 90 days. http://travel.state.gov/visa/temp/without/without_1990.html#countries

noelle24

YEah, I'm confused too, Tide.  If the FI is living in the EU right now, she doesn't need to pay $200 for a visa everytime she wants to visit him.  A U.S. citizen can enter ANY EU country for up to 90 days without needing a visa.

jeanacorina

Vegas, I agree that telling your family is a great step and will make things feel more "normal."I really, really, really do not think you should keep this plan from them. They are your family, and they love you. Lying to them would be a terrible thing to do and you'd be doing it for no reason.FI and I thought about just getting hitched one day and not telling anyone (I was having some monster doctor bills due to a newly discovered health problem, and I have crappy student insurance). We just couldn't live with ourselves if we did that. We'd be cheating our parents and siblings out of sharing in our happy news, and then we'd be faking a wedding later.Please do tell your family. Seems like you'll need their support when it comes to the green card stuff, according to PPs with experience in the matter. Not telling them is looking like NOT an option.

pvegas

@noelle i'm not ignoring you! i answered several of your questions along various posts, but there's tons of stuff here, and i might have missed a couple of the things you said the thing about asking for financial support happens during the visa process (after the petition is approved by USCIS) when the dossier goes to the embassy in FI's country, if i understand the process correctly. yes, we will talk to an immigration lawyer. I make enough money not to have to have my parents vouch for me. And I don't think they generally contact relatives at this stage. I think that's much more common when you do your AOS paperwork (apply for legal permanent resident status AFTER the K1 visa, and after you are legally married). for the k1 visa, you have to prove intent to marry and that you have a bona fide relationship (check, check). For AOS, you have to prove that you have actually been living as a married couple (e.g., joint bank accounts, common residence, your family knowing about it). at least that's my understanding. again, i'll have to talk to a lawyer. and i've already decided that we will tell our families at some point before the actually "elopement" (elopement in the private sense, not the secret sense). part of the reason i have difficulty answering questions directly is because when i hit "post reply" i can no longer view what people have already written. anyway to get around that?

lilgina64

so we just went through our green card application in september when we had our court house wedding (which btw in our state at least does not consist of much other than signing a piece of paper, legit thats it). You need to provide tax returns for a few years prior proving that you make over 18K a year to support him, it has to be one and half times the federal poverty level. IF you do not make that much, then you can have a parent co-sign (sorta like co-signing a student loan haha). Immigration requires proof of marriage and relationship in the form of outside testimonial, pictures, vacations you took together, letters/emails/texts you wrote each other, phone bills showing you called each other, they check your FB status!(no joke, they got on my friends case for not changing it right away), joint bills (mortgage, lease, bank accounts), and they interview you seperately adn ask questions about the other person.some of those questions are RIDICULOUS. Like what side of the bed does he sleep on? whats his favorite food, his favorite color, his favorite song? whats his fondest childhood memory? and you're on a travel ban while his visa status is pending unless you apply for parole, but even at that if you leave the country they are NOT obligated to let you back in. OH AND your on probation for the first two years minimum and have to provide them with address changes so they can track you.GET A LAWYER. for the love of god. GET A LAWYER.

EDK2010

Okay I usually don't get involved in these post, but I felt the need to give my two cents since you want *really* helpful advice.Your post is long, point blank, it doesn't matter what size paragaphs you read at work.You want someone to tell you that you can elope and still have a fairy tale wedding in some far off European land and that it will all be okay and immigration will be happy and money will fall from the sky so you can have as many receptions as possible.I can't tell you that, but I will be realistic and try to give you some sort of reasonable advice:1) I am in the same boat as your BF/FI. I am American, living in Canada and my work visa expires in 2011. We have opted for a short engagement (6 months) becuase of FI's job but also so that I have plenty of time to apply for permanent residency here before my visa expires.2) We did the long distance thing in two separate countries with a 7 hour flight for at least $1K separating us for some time. I went to college in Canada and had to move back to the US when my student visa expired until I could get a work permit and job. FI had no option as to where he could live because of his job, so we did LD until I could move out here to Alberta. Yes, it's tough, it sucked and I was depressed half of the time. But to be honest it was one of the best things for our relationship. We learned to communicate so much better and I learned how to be independent of him. It was great for our relationship in the long-run. People are quick to say it so hard and ruins your relationship, I think it definitely makes you so much stronger.3) We obviously have different life circumestances, but if I was in your shoes I would get married in his home country and do the LD thing until you can save up money. Cut some corners to save on cost so that way you can have the wedding sooner rather than later. We are getting married in New Hampshire where I grew up, this was important to me because if I am going to be living in Canada I wanted as much of my family involved. Lucky for us FI is from the Toronto area so it is not that far for his family to travel for the wedding. It may be nice for your FI to have that special day in his home country with his family since he will be immigrating to the US and won't get to see them often. I personally would avoid all of the extra receptions, enjoy your day for what it is and maybe have a welcome back party rather than another wedding. You could show your wedding video perhaps?That is my honest advice. GL with everything, I know immigration can be tough and stressful.

lilgina64

and just a ps to that. after he starts his green card application process, you have to wait several months for him to get his biometrics done, then you get a work authorization permit, then you get your interview, THEN you get your green card. so you better be ready to support him completely for at least 3-4 months. and he better be ready to be bored to death sitting around for 3-4 months without work.

pvegas

Just to clear up geography: I live in the U.S., am U.S. citizen FI lives primarily in Asia, where we met. He is an E.U. citizen I need a visa to visit him when he is in Asia, not when he is in Europe. Many of our friends in Asia would NEVER get a visa to come to any ceremony or celebration we had in the U.S. or E.U., even if they could afford it. The VWP is lovely, and I'm very lucky that I"m not in the kind of immigration situation a lot of other couples are in.

noelle24

You need to provide tax returns for a few years prior proving that you make over 18K a year to support him, it has to be one and half times the federal poverty level. IF you do not make that much, then you can have a parent co-sign (sorta like co-signing a student loan haha). Immigration requires proof of marriage and relationship in the form of outside testimonial, pictures, vacations you took together, letters/emails/texts you wrote each other, phone bills showing you called each other, they check your FB status!(no joke, they got on my friends case for not changing it right away), joint bills (mortgage, lease, bank accounts), and they interview you seperately adn ask questions about the other person.some of those questions are RIDICULOUS. Like what side of the bed does he sleep on? whats his favorite food, his favorite color, his favorite song? whats his fondest childhood memory?and you're on a travel ban while his visa status is pending unless you apply for parole, but even at that if you leave the country they are NOT obligated to let you back in. OH AND your on probation for the first two years minimum and have to provide them with address changes so they can track you.GET A LAWYER. for the love of god. GET A LAWYERTHIS, THIS, and THIS.No, they don't interview family and friends until after you get married.But the SECOND you get married, his status changes even if you don't file the paperwork right away.  He can't leave the country until he gets his green card.  Which can take up to a year.And when you do file the paperwork, they WILL start interviewing family and friends.  How do you think it will look when they say "We didn't even know they were married until months after the fact!".  Hiding your relationship from your family is going to be a BIG, HUGE, FIELD OF WAVING RED FLAGS to INS. 

tidetravel

Vegas, when you post a reply, simply reopen the thread.  Also, in the top left corner there is a blue box w/ lines in it.  This lists all of the threads you commented in.  If it's bold, it means there's a new post.

Amberjg

I will sympathize with you about legal stuff.. And i do think that having him meeting them then eloping then having a big wedding.. I know our legal system sucks when it comes to things like that.. take my situation.. Right now i'm a college junior and still have at least 4 to 5 years of schooling left. Well my parents let me know this past semester that they cant pay for my school anymore.. My dad had a heartattack this august so there are a ton of medical bills that his work couldnt pay after a certain amount so thats problem number 1, then both of my parents make way too much for me to get absolutely any financial aid until i'm 24 or married.. so i considered that to be one of my options.. just going to the JOP and getting legally married.. but after only a day of considering it an option (Drew had told me he would think about it) I couldnt do it, because i wouldnt want to say those vows without actually being married in front of all my loved ones and i also felt bad for even thinking about doing that and just completely putting down the idea of marriage.. So now i am going to take out student loans and go to Dental assistant school... But just be careful... because marrying just because of legal reasons are kinda iffy. Esp when the family is involved..

noelle24

I would get married in his home country They can't get legally married outside the U.S. and then apply for a green card here.  Because whatever visa her FI had before the marriage (tourist, K1, whatever) is automatically invalidated.  Immigration could legally refuse him entry to the U.S. if they do this.

tidetravel

They can't get legally married outside the U.S. and then apply for a green card here. Because whatever visa her FI had before the marriage (tourist, K1, whatever) is automatically invalidated. Immigration could legally refuse him entry to the U.S. if they do this. Well, they could, but then she would have to petition to bring him in as a spouse, not as a fiance, and that's a whole other set of hoops you have to jump through.

noelle24

You're right Tide.  They can, technically, do it, but it's more difficult because of the extra hoops. And it can take months to get them to approve him for entry to the U.S. Wheras if he legally enters the U.S. on a K1 visa, and they get married here, he can stay in the U.S. while they process the paperwork.I need to leave this thread now... it's not good for my blood pressure. Ha!

pvegas

The only problem with getting married in his country is the CR1 visa takes super long (or so I've heard). He's ready to start his next big thing (in his professional life) somewhere new, and it doesn't make sense for him to start a business or a new job in a place where he's only planning on living temporarily (and for some indefinite period of time yet to be determined at Uncle Sam's pleasure). The work authorization stuff sucks, but he can apply for EAD before the green card is approved (takes 60-90 days). And apparently, you can get an EAD stamp if you fly through JFK immediately upon arriving on a K1 visa. We're crossing our fingers for that. If it doesn't work, he has enough savings to tide him over for a bit, although it will be tight. And just to reiterate. I only want ONE reception! And I'm not sure why everything is always interpreted in the worst possible light. I don't want to get married in his hometown because it would be a "fairy tale." I want to get married in his hometown because it's where we've shared most of our important and intimate moments. And because ALL his family live there. (No plane tickets or hotel reservations required!) I've moved around too much and my family is scattered all over what is very big country, and have no special connection to anywhere in particular in the U.S., and so it makes sense, to me, to get married in a place that we both have a personal connection to. I've lived all over and have been to tons of weddings in FI's country and I'm not looking for a fairy tale. I'm looking for something meaningful and for a *really* fun party.

pvegas

@noelle I don't mean legally married in his home country. I mean the ceremony/big fun party.

EDK2010

Noelle- I understand that, I didn't realize her FI was in the US on a visa (missed that somewhere in the ridiculously long posts). She was talking about getting married in his home country. No one is going to be able to properly give you advice on here, unless they are an immigration lawyer. Bottom line this is too complicated, see a lawyer.

tidetravel

So, basically what you want is a destination wedding and an at home reception.  That's fine.  What most people here are saying is to not keep the legality of your marriage from your friends and family.  Choose a date for your DW and AHR that is convienent for you.  Plan it as you would any other wedding.  Just know that everyone that is invited to the AHR should be invited to the DW as well.  The AHR should not be a party for those that you didn't invite - it should be a party for those that could not attend due to distance.  Send both invites at the same time.  Basically your guests have the option of choosing the DW or the AHR if they can't make it.  The DW can be as "formal" as you want, and the AHR can be a simple BBQ get together.