Bullying.

PaigeMcC

Over the last 3 months 3 young women in Nova Scotia have killed themselves due to bullying they've endured at school.  It's become an epidemic.  I know how these girls feel - I was bullied in jr. high school as well.  I had vicious rumours spread about me and some classmates relentlessly phyiscally and verbally abused my best friend (until I got wise enough to stand up for us...but that's another story). But I never thought of killing myself.  Upset, hurt, pissed, but never suicide.  So I can't imagine what these poor young women have gone through.  Anyways...I'm just wondering what people think?  Were you ever bullied?  How did you deal with it? How do you think we should deal with it?

jaycee7389

i was bullied badly when i was in junior high by 3 older girls who rode my bus. i honestly have no idea where it came from but they were really hard on my friend and i. i finally stood up to them and basically biitched them out and they actually stopped. ever since that experience i tend to not take shiit from anyone. i also had some issues with people spreading rumors about me in the 8th grade because i got sick and lost a lot of weight and everyone kept saying i was anorexic (wich was not the case at all).

i think a lot of this bullying has to do with the way parents raise their children. my parents ALWAYS told me that i should treat others the way i want to be treated, and expressed how much they did not approve of me teasing other people.

PaigeMcC

Agreed.  I think it's an empathy thing as well.  If you can't understand how much you're hurting that person, or you just don't care, then it's hard to grasp why what you're doing is wrong.  It's also about respect. 

PaigeMcC

I also think some kids are just asshats.

SassyFlats

I was bullied throughout middle school. Those were the worst years of my life. Young girls can be so mean without any reason to be. They made fun of me for everything- from the way I dressed (hand-me-downs and thrift store stuff since my parents were broke), to the way I walked (apparently I had too much "bounce" in my step?)... they made fun of me for being smart, for having small boobs (in the 6th grade.... really?), for singing in the school choir... everything. Someone actually threatened to beat me up because I talked to someone else about my best friend who died when we were in 7th grade. I was terrified, but I showed up at the appointed time, ready to fight back. She never threw a punch. All bark and no bite, I guess.

I ignored them. I returned insults. I cried myself to sleep and put on a brave face in the morning. I missed the school bus on purpose and made my mom drive me to school so at least I wouldn't be confined with these people in a small space.

My self-esteem plummeted, even though I faked a tough outer skin... I was jello inside. I was scared and uncertain about everything. I thought I was fat, ugly, dorky, worthless... I became sexually active in high school in an effort to feel something good about myself. Of course, that backfired. It made me feel less worthy.

It went on outside of school. I talked to two guys I worked with. We played cards during some downtime. The next day, one guy's girlfriend and her posse cornered me and demanded I leave her boyfriend alone (or else)... since I had this big crush on him and he would never, EVER be interested in me. I told them, actually, I had a crush on the other guy. I didn't find her boyfriend attractive at all. They acted like they didn't believe me, of course... but I was pretty sure some of the girls looked embarrassed.

The low self-esteem turned into depression as the years went on. I toyed with the idea of "Would anyone miss me if I was dead?" I got involved in relationships with older men who  were either very controlling and reinforced my ideas that maybe I wasn't worth anything and that was as good as things could get and I didn't deserve anything more, or they were emotional black holes who sucked up all my good intentions and returned selfishness and conceit. I wanted to "save" someone... I guess because I thought maybe then I'd figure out how to save myself. Or maybe I at least wouldn't think about how I felt... which was horrible.

It's taken me over 7 years to dig myself out of that bleak hole. It took the support and encouragement of a wonderful guy... as well as finding something I wanted bad enough to get over my wallowing and self-pity and take some risks.

I'm happy now, and thrilled with the way my life has turned out... but those awful days being bullied in school really screwed me up for a long time. I still have that fake outer shell sometimes... it takes me a while to really let people into my life and trust them with my feelings. But I just push on and tell myself (repeatedly) that I am awesome, and I am worthy of everything I've accomplished and the life I have now.

marleylikeair

Bullying sucks.

That's as eloquent/detailed as I can be right now--I'm completely exhausted from starting this new job, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Paige, pgh, Sassy--I am so sorry to hear what happened to you.

Sassy, I just tried to PM you, but it wouldn't let me. Is this a privacy setting or a TK glitch? Me want to PM Sassy! ::poutyface::

peekaboo2011

Wow, Sassy, just...wow.  I'm sorry all that happened to you.  Wow.

I was bullied pretty harshly in elementary and middle school.  I hit a stride my freshman year of high school, and then we moved again and the bullying started up again.

In elementary school, apparently I talked funny.  When I was 6, my family moved from CA to DC.  It was a huge adjustment, and I always felt out of place.  To make matters worse, the girl who bullied me constantly starting in third grade and not ending until high school because we went to the same magnet middle school carpooled with me.  So, her mom would drop her off in the mornings, and dad would take us to school and pick us up.  It was awful.  She was a cheerleader, I was the geeky nerd who couldn't quite figure out much of anything except her homework.  I, too, was super skinny, and I hated eating lunch at school.  So, I would have an apple or something instead (sometimes, I really just don't like eating..) and the middle school girls would talk very loudly about how I was anorexic.  Eventually, I started skipping lunch altogether to go to the library.

Freshman year, things got seriously better.  I found a great group of friends and joined the swim team.  I loved it.  And then, that spring mom dropped the bomb that we were moving from DC to SC.  That's the only time I've ever told her I hated her and come very close to meaning it.

When we got to SC, everyone was so different.  Everyone had grown up together, and so the cliques were so defined that it was hard to find a place.  I got bullied for being from DC and having a parent in the military.  I actually applied to an exchange program twice to escape it.  I missed it for my junior year, but had I gone, I wouldn't have met one of my best friends.  He and I are still pretty close.  But I turned down senior prom and graduation to get the eff out of there.  I went to Germany, and I have sworn up and down that I'll never go to school, or raise children in SC because of what I went through.

I never considered suicide.  I honestly just wanted to get the hell out.  And that's been my focus.  Move forward, get out of the crappy situation, cause it can only get better.

leia1979

I was fortunately not really bullied. Teased a bit by some of the boys in junior high, sure, but I don't really consider it bullying. In 7th grade, I didn't shave my legs yet, and a couple boys always gave me a hard time in PE. But because they teased me, I refused to do it until after school was out for the year. That's how contrary I am.

I do think it's awful that some kids are killing themselves. If they could only hang on a bit longer. I think the bullies don't tend to amount to much in life, so wouldn't it be nice to see how pathetic they are ten years later?

tafft1

I was bullied my entire life - it sisn't click that I was being bullied until I moved away from my hometown and I was basically alone in a new town that all knew each other smack in the middle of 6th grade. It only got worse from there , and continued to my first year of high school. The bullying was beyond teasing - it was abuse in many cases. In jr high I was thrown down 2 flights of concrete stairs and had to hobble to my next class - showed up 10 mins late bruised and limping and got yelled at by my teacher for being late. It just sprialed downwards from there including having raw eggs dropped from the upper floors , paint dumped on me , thumbtacks flung at me during class , punched in the face and slammed into lockers and even eventually raped and my wrists cut in a downward motion to "remind me that no one would ever want a fat cow like me" - their words..i can still hear.

I never really had many friends , never had a boyvriend , never went to a dance , never had a father figure in my life. The day i came home after being raped my dad was already drunk with one of his work buddies and asked me what was wrong with me and to get out of his sight. I left high school over this..and still to this day it breaks my heart. I LOVED my education and school and it was the ONE thing that kept me going in life..when that was taken from me I spiraled into depression that no one knew about. I started drinking at age 14 swiping vodka from my dad's liquor cabinet and replacing it with water since he was always so wasted he never knew to begin with. I thought lots of times about killing myself , but didn't know what to do.

One day I will never forget though changed things..I started making online friends and had a friend in NY that was a little younger than me - I was 18 at the time and he was 16 but was always there when I needed someone. He looked up to me like his big sister and one night after my dad violently came after me in a drunken rage I decided I had enough..I just didn't want to live anymore. I decided to try and take a bottle of sleeping pills and had a bottle of vodka ready to wash it down. I messaged my friend thanking him for everything and signed off and was in my bathroom listening to my cd of love songs I played when I was really sad and started to unscrew the bottle when the phone rang..and for some reason I picked it up , and it was my friend. Who talked me down , and literally saved my life.

I do think there is a difference between bullying and teasing. Everyone has something about them that we don't like , it's human nature. Unfortunately many times it crosses the line , and it is preventable ! It is not solely on the parents , nor school staff or individuals , though I do believe it starts at home. Everyone needs to be involved and these individuals being targeted should be heard and not forced into silence.

I would be lying if I said the torment I went through didn't have an impact on my life today..

jaycee7389

wow, it is so sad to hear that so many girls go through bullying. sassy, i'm glad to hear you made it through all of your hardships. i never let girls boss me around or start shiit with me after middle school, but i think all of the problems i had led to me allowing men in relationships use me. i had a really bad relationship for about 3 years that almost ruined my life, and thank god i was able to finally realize what i was doing to myself.

also..i agree completely with what you said paige.

coastiegrl25

I teared up reading that Tafft.  I never knew people could be SO mean!  I thought it was just in the movies.  I think you still turned out to be a beautiful, strong person.  Bullies suck.

tafft1

I appreciate the kind words Coastie - And Sassy reading yours definitely resonated something personal  with me as well *hugs* I think it proves that being the victim of such behaviors dosen't have to change the person that we are within. But that isn't to say it is an easy journey to say the least. I just think we would all be better off if we would all disciminate less and try to understand one another more.

PolkaDotBella

Bullying is a horrible horrible thing. I see it all the time at the schools that I work in. Thankfully schools here are beginning to take action and start anti-bullying programs which brings awareness to the issues surrounding bullying and how devastating it can be.

I'm so sorry that some of you had to go though that. Taft, I teared up reading yours. It's stories like these that remind me I've made the right career decision to go into school psychology and work with the schools to implement anti-bullying programs, because no one should have to go through that.

Beads921

Bullying is just now beginning to get the attention it deserves. I'm all about the new advertising campaigns about it. It's about time some attention was drawn to the issue. It's pretty sad that it took a bunch of suicides before anyone noticed though.

I was bullied pretty badly as well. It started around grade 5, and continued until I was able to get out of my sh!ttastic hometown and go to a high school 20 minutes away. I never looked back. There was lots of talk behind my back, and even more name calling to my face, with the occasional punch thrown in. I had no friends (it was uncool to be my friend). I didn't fit in, and my classmates definitely noticed and took advantage of it. My self-esteem was non-existent. And the teachers were fairly useless in stopping any of it from happening, or even acknowledging it (this is why I'm so keen on the recent awareness about bullying...I'm hoping the schools actually start trying to do something worthwhile about it). 

My Mom wanted to send me to counselling because I was so upset over it, but I wouldn't go. To this day, that is actually the biggest regret of my life. It took me a long time to 'get over it' (and I'm not sure I ever have, although I've accepted it and no longer feel like crap - it continues to influence my life in a fairly major way today). Although I've finally figured out that I'm worth something (but only within the last couple of years...high school was still rough in other ways), I still don't really trust people, and I have trouble with rejection. A couple of the girls who victimized me have actually apologized since then, believe that or not. While it was nice to hear, it doesn't make up for what they did, and I know they still have no idea how much they changed my life. 

I remember the night I told BF about it. That was the first time I felt like someone else actually understood. He was bullied too, and in similar ways that I was (doesn't that just suck). 

I wrote a paper on bullying with an insert about my personal experience in first year university. It was really empowering, and even more empowering when the professor kept it as an example for future students. 

NurseyK

Sassy,

I'm so sorry that you went through all that you did. My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are not alone. I went through a similar ordeal that started with bullying in elementary school, which led to no self esteem and suicidal thoughts in high school. My father was a man of harsh words through all this. In my late teen years and early 20s I kept dating men who verbally and emotionally abused me.  My Dad later sought treatment and we have reconciled, however, like you, even after I crawled out of my hole and healed my broken heart, I still have a tough time trusting males.  Lucky for me, I have a man who is silently strong for me when I feel my trust confidence trembling like an earthquake.  Hugs.  - NurseyK

NurseyK

I wanted to add... that all of these stories (PGH, Sassy, Tafft, Beads, Peakaboo... all of you) break my heart to read. I hope that you all have found a source or person who is stronger that you have looked to over the years. I'm sure that you are stronger because of it, but it's still not fair what you (we) had to endure. 

alanna91

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry to read all of that. That make my eyes water. I cannot, CANNOT believe anyone would put someone through that. I mean jeez, I know all of your stories end well but you are so very strong for putting up with that.

I didn't get bullied much, I got teased every now and then but not bullied. I didn't care too much when I got teased, sometimes I'd dish it back to the person. I had a lot of problems at home, but not really at school. Because of what I went through at home I'd go to school pretending to be happy and friendly, and you know what, it really worked. If I pretended to be upbeat I  ended up truly being happy. I think people were drawn to that.

Because I was comfortable with myself and my group of friends, I stood up for the people getting bullied. I hope I helped them, I think I helped them. If someone was ever sitting alone at lunch I'd sit with them. I'd be their partner in gym or class activities, smile at them in the halls and say hello. I tried to make friends with them. I moved around a lot when I was younger and knew what it was like to sit alone at lunch and panic when the teacher said we'd be doing a partner activity. I just hope I made their days a little happier and they didn't think of me as some annoying girl trying to be their friend.

PaigeMcC

*group hug*

 Thanks for trusting us enough to sharing your stories ladies.  It means a lot to me. And I'm sorry that any of us ever had to experience that.

Hazel_B

Reading this thread has really made me think. I was never the main target of bullying, but I certainly wasn't exempt either. The person who terrified me the most in elementary/middle school is now a doctor, which really bothers me.

I think a lot can be done about bullying and I think it can be worked on at a really young age, particularly with girls. As a kindergarten teacher my mother was able to predict who the bullies were going to be.

jaycee7389

*hugs* to everyone

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bullying?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1166bf3c-c6e2-4105-a40b-0fea58b6fcabPost:02b9df02-94d3-41b4-bf8c-65d4531bcff2">Re: Bullying.</a>:
[QUOTE]Reading this thread has really made me think. I was never the main target of bullying, but I certainly wasn't exempt either. <strong>The person who terrified me the most in elementary/middle school is now a doctor</strong>, which really bothers me. I think a lot can be done about bullying and I think it can be worked on at a really young age, particularly with girls. As a kindergarten teacher my mother was able to predict who the bullies were going to be.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

that would really bother me too. i remember when all of the bullying was going on for me i kept telling myself that none of those girls would every get anywhere in life being the way there are..and surprise surprise 2 of them dropped out of school and the other 2 didn't go much further. karma..

Peaseblossom55

I find it sad that these girls felt they had no way out but suicide or no one to talk to or confide in about their problems.  I wonder too if it the way kids are being raised, or if we are more aware of it because of the media than in years past. Also with  technoloy there are many other ways to bully facebook, text.

I was bullied badly in 7th grade, by a few girls here and there and teased by some boys.  I had a horrible haircut in 7th grade and was in my ugly duckling phase.  I did tell some to my parents, I did actually speak a lot to my middle school guidance counselor to vent and get help.  It was of help next yr 8th grade me moved me to honors classes, kids were much nicer I was never teased by them,  I was so much happier and had so many more friends by the time high school came around i found theater geeks, choir geeks, cheerleading...

It makes you wonder how these bullies can do that to other people, lack of

 empathy perhaps and or the only way they feel better about someone else is putting someone else down.  

bourgehm

Hugs.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

Beads921

One thing I forgot to add:

I have no qualms about sharing what I've been through, because I think the more we share our stories, the more likely it is that action will be taken, thus preventing more kids from having to experience being victims of bullying (or at least help them feel that they are not alone). Last year, in an online social work course, we were presented with a scenario about bullying in a group message board discussion. I don't remember the assignment, but I remember taking it to a personal level, and posting some of my story for my group to read. One of the group members happened to be the mother of a grade 7 girl, who was experiencing being bullied at the time. Apparently she shared what I wrote with her daughter, and I think it may have been one of the first times her daughter realized she wasn't alone, and that it wouldn't last forever. That was a pretty cool thing for me to learn and to be able to do, from (and for) a complete stranger. 

Sparrow87

Bullying is a special kind of torture, I'm sorry to everyone who's had to endure it.  And my thoughts go to those who still do, and the families of those young ladies who were bullied to death. 

leia1979

Tafft, I just want to give you a great big hug. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that.

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories. I'm so glad you were able to make it through the tough times.

ravenray

Oh girls I am so sorry for all of you who went through that.  I am so glad that you are happy healthy girls today.

I too have been bullied. Not nearly to the extent of some of you girls but still enough to mess me up.  When I was 12 I was molested by my cousin for a few months.  I finally got him to stop and that was right around the time I started going to school (up to this point I had been homeschooled).  High School was not fun, I was the misfit.  Too tall, clumsy, weird, easy to poke fun at because it really upset me, nerdy, answering all the questions in class me just didn't fit in anywhere in my high school.  My parents were overprotective so everything I tried to do was screened by them.  As hard as I tried no one liked me.  Lots of people didn't talk to me(my high school held 150 total), my "best-friend" betrayed.  When she no longer decided that I was worth talking to, very few people would talk to me.  She also was a "man stealer" in the sense that once she knew who my crush was she went for him (and he never liked me anyways so that was hard) I was very depressed.  I wrote sad poetry, hurt myself and contemplated death though I was too much of a chicken to try suicide.  Because of the molestation I felt worthless.  Why would I have worth?  Clearly no one stood up for me about my cousin so why should I be worth anything.  I was having problems with my parents, though I was going to Hell and was lonely.  Around 16 things got better, I didn't have to spend all my time on campus and I made some older friends.  But I still carry the idea of worthlessness to this day.  Luckily my BF is helping me work out of it, but I still don't think that I am pretty or worth much of anything.  It is going to be a long road but it gives me hope that you girls went through so much more and came out on top.  *Hugs*

bethsmiles

All of these stories make me so sad! When I was really little I was often the target of bullying. I never had any experience with girls bullying me but boys often picked on me when I was little. There was a boy at the day care I went to and he terrorized me so badly that I had nightmares about him and called him "mean Ryan".

Thankfully, I never had any problems with bullying in school. Bullying was really not a problem at my high school. I'm sure it happened to some degree, it happens everywhere, but it was rare to see someone being bullied and people did step in to stop it.

I've had so little experience with bullying (and the experience I did have was so long ago) that I really have no ideas on how it should be dealt with but I'm so appalled by the things I hear in the news about bullying. Something needs to be done because kids shouldn't be resorting to suicide because they are being bullied so badly in school and nothing is being done about it.

calindi

Hi, I popped in this morning!

That's really sad to hear about those girls.  And I'm very sorry to hear all your stories.  I have my own - in summary, I was taunted so relentlessly by a group of bullies for an entire school year when I was in 6th grade about my physical appearance (I got boobs a lot quicker than my peers) that I wore baggy clothes, walked hunched over to hide my chest, and started doing poorly in classes.  It culminated with 30 boys pinning me against a wall and trying to lift my shirt to "see if I stuffed my bra with Charmin or Bounty".  I was so incredibly scared and panicked, but I'll forever be grateful for how I responded - I kicked one boy in the nuts and punched another in the face and broke his nose.  The rest of the boys ran off and I ran to the principal's office sobbing.  I wanted to go home, and he wouldn't let me because he was afraid of my parents getting upset by it so he wanted me to go to the nurse and calm down first.  And I knew that instinctively what he was afraid of was a law suit, so at the tender age of 11, I slammed my fists on his desk and said, "Either you call my mother or I call my lawyer."  Tee hee, but it worked!  I went home, we didn't sue anyone but we did file charges against the boy whose nose I broke for sexual assault because his Dad was a major ambulance-chasing attorney in my town who would have gone after me for assault otherwise for punching his son (who was the one holding me against the wall, so he had it coming).

Anyway, I think I made it through because I had fantastic parents and home was an escape.  With Facebook and texting, these kids are never alone now.  The tormenting follows them home, and rather than these kids getting distracted in the evenings and the bullying dissipating, it's a way for it to magnify and get bigger and gain momentum overnight.  The only solution is good parenting, and lacking that, the only way to limit the impact are observant and involved teachers.

ADTonk

I haven't finished reading everyone's stories, but Tafft & Sassy.. wow.  I can't imagine going through.  I was bullied in middle school by an exboyfriend and his friends.  They called me "amish girl" because I wore a black bandana headband thing (they were in style then) and told people that I had small boobs (in 8th grade), and constantly said things to me or about me in front of a ton of other people.

I don't know how much is parenting and how much is just the way you were made, but I have always promised myself that when I had children, I would do all that I can to make sure that they have empathy.  I think a lot of these people lack empathy and self esteem, so they go around putting others down to make themselves feel better.  It's sick and it makes me sick to think about it. 

kellylove22

I don't know how our society should address bullying. It's so pervasive, and in many cases not obvious to school officials or parents, that it can be hard to pinpoint and end. I do think parents play a huge role here in teaching their children that there are many different kinds of people in this world and that we need to appreciate others for the different things we can learn from them, rather than picking on people who aren't exactly like them (and that you can't be an asshat if you don't get what you want). Schools can teach similar lessons, but it just doesn't resonate with kids the same way parents reinforcing the message over years would.

I was bullied pretty badly and ostracized throughout middle school and high school because I moved to a new school and refused to do some girl's homework. There were only 8 girls in my graduating class and we all sat at a single lunch table in our very small school. After refusing to do someone's homework they would change tables every time I tried to sit with them, and would then spread vicious rumors about me and occassionally name call to my face. It wasn't all bad all the time, I had one remaining friend and she and I abandoned the lunchroom and hung out in our favorite teacher's classrooms while the teachers ate lunch there. I think they knew what was going on, and indulged me even if I was violating some school rule. At least, I fondly look back to those lunches and the things I learned and movies I got to watch during those times.  

I hate to admit this, but I still think of many of the things they said when I look into the mirror (about 10 years after they started) and I still in many ways don't feel good about myself, and am afraid to put myself out there.

I've never considered suicide for those reasons, but bullying has deeply affected the way I feel about myself and how willing I am to approach new people. I'd never wish on my worst enemies what these girls have done to me, and from the fact that almost all of them try to add me on facebook every few months, I doubt they even realize that they are generally awful human beings.