What changes?

PolkaDotBella

So, last night my bf and I went out for drinks with one of my bf's co-workers and his girlfriend. It was the first time us girlfriends had met, so she and I were talking and she wanted to know how long we'd been together. I told her almost 7 years and she wanted to know why we weren't married yet. I told her we weren't in any rush etc etc etc and she said "well I guess it's probably pointless for you guys to get married... nothing will change since you guys have been together for so long and live together."

It got me thinking about how marriage changes a relationship, so to all you married ladies... what changed after you got married? Engaged and dating ladies... what do you think will change?

heyimbren

I think that was a naive comment on her part.

First of all, there are legal changes. I know that isn't very romantic, but it's true.

Second of all, this one I suppose only applies to some people, but to many the ceremony of marriage is extremely meaningful in its symbolism. The idea that you're standing up together and declaring your vows in front of witnesses that you are joining together is very meaningful, IMO.

Also, I think there's more permanence to it. Obviously divorce happens, but in my eyes, it's easier to break up in a relationship than it is to go through a divorce. If I marry someone, it means I'm going to try my very hardest to make things work out for my lifetime.

I think a lot of it comes down to what marriage means to you two as a couple though. If marriage isn't a big deal to someone, then maybe not much would change.

mana8503

I'm only engaged, but honestly?  Harder to break up legally.  Maybe some combining of banking accounts... my name will change... I don't see things changing all that much.  We will already have a house for over a year when we get married, so no big change there.

A week after he proposed, we were getting ready in the morning and I asked him, "do you feel engaged?  do you feel different?"  He was like "no, you have a ring that's it".  I thought I'd feel different, but I'm glad I don't.  We just feel comfortable.  Do we still argue?  yes  Do we annoy each other? pretty much.  But it was just like a outward sign of something we already felt. 

I think the change will be the having kids stage. 

motoLyn

I'm engaged and the only thing that I think that changes is its legal now.  That if we were to split up it would be more complicated trying to split up the things we own.  Other than that, FI will still wake up loving each other every day, our dreams, goals and hope to have a a family is still all the same.  Before FI didn't think marriage was important, he figure he could just live together with the women he loves for the rest of his life and have kids.  He changed his mind after we started dating. 

PaigeMcC

I don't think anything other than my legal name and marriage status will change.  Oh, and the fact that I won't call him my Finance, I'll call him my husband. (yes, I meant Finance.)

Beads921

I think the only thing that will change is the legal stuff. Finances, living space, etc are already basically combined for us (or will be within a couple of years, regardless of marital status). We already see our relationship as permanent, we have goals together, we support one another's individual goals, etc. A break up would be far from simple, considering we live under the same roof and have some shared assets as it is (still simpler than if we were married of course). 

But then again, we're not religious at all, so that aspect is meaningless for us, and I know that's a big part of marriage for many couples. Marriage isn't a top priority for either of us, and the only reason I ever actually want to get married is for the legal reasons. I strongly believe you can have the same commitment, etc without being married.

jeanacorina

My last name changed to match his. I'm on his insurance. I no longer qualify for financial aid aside from student loans. We wear wedding bands.

Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. And I'm glad it hasn't. We continue to grow as individuals and together just like we always have. But our relationship, at its core, is exactly the same as it was before. In my opinion, that's a wonderful thing.


We still disagree sometimes.

We still work those disagreements out.

We still text each other throughout the day just to say hi.

We still sleep on the same sides of the bed.

We still fuss over who's going to make dinner tonight.

We still volunteer every Wednesday night together.

I still steal his sweatpants because they're comfortable.

He still convinces me to stay in bed late on Sunday mornings.

We still have the same holiday traditions.

We still play video games together.

We still want the same things for our future.

We still support each other's goals.

We still laugh and cry together.

He still lets me decorate with a lot of purple.

I still let him buy fantasy and comic book stuff for the office.

We still share a bank account.

We're still on the same car insurance policy.

We still love our cats.

We still hold hands.

We still talk about everything.

We're still each other's best friend.

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:13d1fc2c-935a-4658-8ca2-28a2e9566e81Post:b322f415-5204-4705-8d30-7e3cf3a2a83c">Re: What changes?</a>:
[QUOTE]My last name changed to match his. I'm on his insurance. I no longer qualify for financial aid aside from student loans. We wear wedding bands. Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. And I'm glad it hasn't. We continue to grow as individuals and together just like we always have. But our relationship, at its core, is exactly the same as it was before. In my opinion, that's a wonderful thing. We still disagree sometimes. We still work those disagreements out. We still text each other throughout the day just to say hi. We still sleep on the same sides of the bed. We still fuss over who's going to make dinner tonight. We still volunteer every Wednesday night together. I still steal his sweatpants because they're comfortable. He still convinces me to stay in bed late on Sunday mornings. We still have the same holiday traditions. We still play video games together. We still want the same things for our future. We still support each other's goals. We still laugh and cry together. He still lets me decorate with a lot of purple. I still let him buy fantasy and comic book stuff for the office. We still share a bank account. We're still on the same car insurance policy. We still love our cats. We still hold hands. We still talk about everything. We're still each other's best friend.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]
Aw Jeana that was sweet :)  <3  I like your mariage.
Edit: I also like that you let him buy comic books.  :)  That made me really happy.

Elle1036

I don't expect it to change much for us; just the boring official stuff, like combining insurance and credit, filing joint tax returns, etc.

And we'll have wedding pictures to obnoxiously decorate our house.

Seriously, though, I've considered him my partner and my family for a long time already.  I'm not changing my name, so I don't even have to learn a new signature.

PolkaDotBella

Beads- I definitely believe that you can have the same level of commitment without being married!

Jeana- aww, I love your list!

I really can't see much changing when we get engaged/married...Legally stuff will change and  I'll get a new last name, a shiny ring and bank accounts with both of our names... besides that, not much will change and I'm glad!

Beads921

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:13d1fc2c-935a-4658-8ca2-28a2e9566e81Post:72cb5798-947b-42f0-a2d7-b9959f0a4898">Re: What changes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Beads- I definitely believe that you can have the same level of commitment without being married! Jeana- aww, I love your list! I really can't see much changing when we get engaged/married...Legally stuff will change and  I'll get a new last name, a shiny ring and bank accounts with both of our names... <strong>besides that, not much will change and I'm glad!</strong>
Posted by PolkaDotBella[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. I wouldn't want things to change. </div>

DanieKA

I've asked my friends this and they pretty much agree with previous posters that nothing really changes. Most complained about how much a PITA it was to change their names on everything. I am on the more religious/spiritual side than most friends so that aspect wasn't really a factor in most of the marriages I've seen around me. And all but one of my friends lived with their boyfriends when they became engaged and got married. 

So, nothing but the legal status for most of the people I know. 

peekaboo2011

Jeana, when I grow up, I want to be just like you.

loopy82

Nothing has changed for us. We lived together before we were engaged. 6 months after the wedding I have just fianally changed  my name on my license and my bank account. Other than car insurance we have no joint accounts. I feel absolutely no different now than I did before we were married. Honestly I like my engagement ring better alone than with the wedding band and wish I could wear just that on its own.

desertsun

What Bren said.

The wedding was important for my H and I and our families on that symbolic level.

While I agree that being married hasn't really changed our relationship, I have to say that it definitely adds an extra layer of wonderful. Knowing we made that commitment to spend our lives together. I don't know. It's hard for me to articulate just WHY marriage is so amazing. But for my H and I both, it's just a very happy thing. We still get excited to say "my husband" or "my wife."

I wish I could explain it better. But IMO, being married IS different even if how you interact doesn't change. 

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:13d1fc2c-935a-4658-8ca2-28a2e9566e81Post:69720c95-00a9-48d4-a108-90304f1a4978">Re: What changes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jeana, when I grow up, I want to be just like you. :)
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]


Haha, thanks! It certainly took <em><strong>me</strong></em> long enough to "grow up" and be like me. But I'm very happy, and wouldn't change a thing.

I sort-of agree with the "extra layer of happiness" sentiment, but I dunno... I guess the way Josh and I treated our relationship before marriage was the same as it is now- even though there were days where I was anxious to get engaged and KNOW that we'd be together, honestly... I already knew. I just didn't realize I knew. Does that make sense?

I know that wasn't the point of what Desert was specifically saying... it just led me to think about this. I've mentioned in the past that "deep-down gut feeling that this is really forever" and I had that before I knew I had it.

So, when we got married it was a very nice day and symbolic and all that... but honestly, we'd already committed to each other in a way that the symbolism was really just symbolism.

The next day, we were happy and we called each other "husband" and "wife" but those are just words to us. Under little things like that (not trying to say little things are unimportant by any means), we're still as committed to each other as we ever were- no more and no less. Our relationship is no more or less solid now than it was before we got engaged.

I think that's the best part- I didn't need marriage to really cement anything at all. I found everything I was looking for and more in Josh, and I am still pleasantly surprised at how every experience just demonstrates that we're in everything together.

I love my marriage. And I love my husband. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

jilld82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:13d1fc2c-935a-4658-8ca2-28a2e9566e81Post:b322f415-5204-4705-8d30-7e3cf3a2a83c">Re: What changes?</a>:
[QUOTE]My last name changed to match his. I'm on his insurance. I no longer qualify for financial aid aside from student loans. We wear wedding bands. Other than that, absolutely nothing has changed. And I'm glad it hasn't. We continue to grow as individuals and together just like we always have. But our relationship, at its core, is exactly the same as it was before. In my opinion, that's a wonderful thing. We still disagree sometimes. We still work those disagreements out. We still text each other throughout the day just to say hi. We still sleep on the same sides of the bed. We still fuss over who's going to make dinner tonight. We still volunteer every Wednesday night together. I still steal his sweatpants because they're comfortable. He still convinces me to stay in bed late on Sunday mornings. We still have the same holiday traditions. We still play video games together. We still want the same things for our future. We still support each other's goals. We still laugh and cry together. He still lets me decorate with a lot of purple. I still let him buy fantasy and comic book stuff for the office. We still share a bank account. We're still on the same car insurance policy. We still love our cats. We still hold hands. We still talk about everything. We're still each other's best friend.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

I love this.  I think these things are so sweet.  They are all so simple yet they are the things that make a marriage.  I can't wait to be married.  Thanks for sharing that.

luvdncn90

Nothing to major will change for us besides it being legal, our finances will be combined, we will get a puppy, we will be living together (DUH!), we will no longer have to be lond distance. All that good stuff


I am very excited to get married!!! Hopefully it will be within the next few years.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:13d1fc2c-935a-4658-8ca2-28a2e9566e81Post:f1e641bc-4602-4ba0-956d-8c95c5314f7d">Re: What changes?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What changes? : Haha, thanks! It certainly took me long enough to "grow up" and be like me. But I'm very happy, and wouldn't change a thing. I sort-of agree with the "extra layer of happiness" sentiment, but I dunno... I guess the way Josh and I treated our relationship before marriage was the same as it is now- even though there were days where I was anxious to get engaged and KNOW that we'd be together, honestly... I already knew. I just didn't realize I knew. Does that make sense? I know that wasn't the point of what Desert was specifically saying... it just led me to think about this. I've mentioned in the past that "deep-down gut feeling that this is really forever" and I had that before I knew I had it. So, when we got married it was a very nice day and symbolic and all that... but honestly, we'd already committed to each other in a way that the symbolism was really just symbolism. The next day, we were happy and we called each other "husband" and "wife" but those are just words to us. Under little things like that (not trying to say little things are unimportant by any means), we're still as committed to each other as we ever were- no more and no less. Our relationship is no more or less solid now than it was before we got engaged. I think that's the best part- I didn't need marriage to really cement anything at all. I found everything I was looking for and more in Josh, and I am still pleasantly surprised at how every experience just demonstrates that we're in everything together. I love my marriage. And I love my husband.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Hmmm, this is interesting. It's made me think and helped clarify my thinking. Thanks for being so insightful and articulate, Jeana.</div><div>
</div><div>I guess maybe marriage has changed my relationship. I wanted that official ceremony in front of all our loved ones. People gather together for those big shifts in a person's life -- birth, graduations, weddings, babies, deaths, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>And for some people, maybe they just don't place the same value on those kinds of symbolic events/transitions, so those things don't have the same impact.</div><div>
</div><div>I feel like having that ceremony, making public vows to each other, it DID cement something in our relationship. There's something different to me in saying those things to each other privately and saying them publicly. I don't think it's a trust thing. I don't think it's a question of how valid is your relationship. I think it's just different people value different things.</div><div>
</div><div>I feel like our relationship hasn't changed in what we do. We still have the same routines and behaviors. But they have a different weight. We see each other differently. To us, those words "husband" and "wife" carry more meaning than FI or BF/GF. Again, it's a difference in perspective/values. Some people just place more symbolic value in words and events.</div><div>
</div><div>So, I think that's what I mean about the "layer of happy." Because I feel like we've evolved to a new stage in our relationship, and we're both so happy to be there. Being married IS a big deal to us. It's a symbolic step forward into the future, together. It's a symbolic joining and bond and emotional tie. It HAS made our relationship stronger and better and happier, and we're just going to continue to grow closer and to love each other more. That's what we both want. To grow and change together. That's what marriage means to us. And just having someone who understands that, and wants the same thing, and loves you so damn much, more and more every day...it's beautiful and amazing and I wouldn't change a thing about it.</div><div>
</div><div>So. There you go ladies. A couple different perspectives on marriage for you all to contemplate. One no more right than the other, and equally as happy. :)</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

desertsun

I think we tied for longest posts in this one, Jeana.

Hazel_B

My friend said something similar to Desert after they got married. That there was an added permanence or weight to everything. Each argument they had there was a little extra time taken because they know they aren't walking away.

I'm not sure if it is just in my head or if there is an actual difference, but I feel that we talk to eachother differently somehow. I can't quite put my finger on how, but it feels different to me now. Nothing earth shattering, but a subtle difference. And, that's just being engaged.

[Deleted User]

OP - I think most people (women especially) anticipate a big change after a marriage. The honest truth is, you will still have the same relationship you always had together. Good or bad, a marriage does not change how you behave towards one another. I don't think your BF's coworker's GF should have jumped to conclusions about your relationship. BF and I have been together over 4 years and I know him better than some of my girlfriends know their FI/H. If you and your BF are happy, don't let others make you feel insecure about your relationship just because you are not married yet. There is not set time frame, despite what many people like to believe.  

For me personally, I anticipate some changes because BF and I do not live together...and will not before marriage. It is important to him, and I think it is nice to save some things for marriage. I know that we're not the standard, most people shack up prior to marriage, but for us it is something we wanted to wait for.

niknik15

I felt like we had this conversation a week ago, but then I remembered that I read it on off beat bride. Here is their article if you want to read it.
http://offbeatbride.com/2011/02/waiting-too-long

I feel like there will be a few changes. Just the fact that he can say I want to commit to you for the rest of my life is a big step. I second what Hazel and Desert have to say.

kayely88

I think a lot of what Desert and Jeana said is how I think it'll change. 

Other than that just the legal stuff (changing my name, opening a joint bank account, etc.) and moving in together will be different. We chose not to move in together until after we get married because it just presents an excitement to us. Although we pretty much do live together now. 

jeanacorina

Desert I think it's really interesting that we have that subtle difference in our relationships. Very cool.

And yay for long-ass posts!

PolkaDotBella

Wow Desert and Jeana, you both put the question into such good perspective. I love that there are different views of how it'll change, and yet it's never a bad change! Hooray for happy marriages!

Thank you ladies, I loved hearing (reading?) your perspectives!

heyimbren

Oh, I think Allusive made a really good point. I think some people think that marriage will significantly magically improve their relationship, and that is not the case at all. Marriage doesn't fix things.

I think marriage is also looked at differently from a religious perspective, but I don't know how you feel about that OP. A lot of it is really personal and varies from couple to couple.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:13d1fc2c-935a-4658-8ca2-28a2e9566e81Post:07b2e770-f5aa-4ecd-9f0c-7097cf23c220">Re: What changes?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, I think Allusive made a really good point. I think <strong>some people think that marriage will significantly magically improve their relationship</strong>, and that is not the case at all. Marriage doesn't fix things. I think marriage is also looked at differently from a religious perspective, but I don't know how you feel about that OP. A lot of it is really personal and varies from couple to couple.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>A baby too.</div>

jeanacorina

Well, if we're talking about changes, a BABY is a BFD. That's going to change my marriage, I'm sure.

desertsun

Oooh, yes, some further excellent points here! Good conversation, ladies. 

caitlin.cave

I'm not even engaged yet or anything, so I have no experience with how it changes.  For that matter, I don't know for sure that this boyfriend is the one I'll settle down with because we haven't done it yet, but I sure hope so.

One thing that will be different after I get married is that there will be sex involved.  We've made the decision to wait until after we're married for that (for symbolic reasons), but other than financial stuff, that's all I can think of.

Vowing to be faithful in front of our friends and family is a big deal to us, and we probably wouldn't officially live together until after we ot married, so I guess that would be different too.  (like I said though, most of this is hypothetical.)

I don't know, I really hope it doesn't change much.  At least not in big ways.