Did any of you get cold feet before the proposal?

prodigalgirl

First, let me say that I love my boyfriend.  I want to marry my boyfriend.  I can't imagine life without him. 

BUT

Now that I know he's ring shopping, I've found myself getting nervous.  I was married once before.  After several years of marriage, I found out that my ex had been cheating on me the entire time we were together (think Tiger Woods style)... even while we were dating and engaged. 

I went through counseling and a recovery program for partners of sex addicts and really healed a lot.  Eventually, I dated someone else, but saw some red flags I remembered from my relationship with XH and I ended it.  I took some time by myself and then I met BF.  I love him, my parents love him and my kids love him.  He's completely different than my XH in every way and I have absolutely no gut feeling that he's even slightly unfaithful (I had MAJOR gut feelings with XH, but he manipulated me into thinking I was BSC and too jealous).

And yet, now that I know BF is shopping for the ring, it's making this commitment so real and I find that I have butterflies in my stomach!

I know it's normal to get cold feet before a wedding, but what about the proposal?

jilly2121

I kind of went through something very similar with an ex bf of mine who I lived with. He cheated the entire time we were together and when I found out I thought my heart was literally breaking and my world was over. Needless to say that ended.  

Fast forward 4 years and I met the man of my dreams. When we started ring shopping I started panicking a little, questioning if this was the right thing, I think the bf even freaked out a little bit too. It's a hard feeling to explain, not neccesarily cold feet but more questionning everything. After getting cheated on, anyone can attest that trusting anyone again is a very hard thing and that is something that I personally had to work on with the current bf. I know he would never cheat on me but sometimes I started thinking what if he does.

I've settled down and after the initial shock of ring shopping and the ring purchase,  I know this is the right thing. Marriage is something I have never taken lightly, coming from divorced parents (2 times) I didn't even want to get married. The ring just makes the commitment more real and serious (at least for me it does).
 
So yes I think what you are feeling is normal...

deburnin

BF is my first ever BF and shortly after going ring shopping for the first time I wondered if it was "right." I felt a little bit of panic at the thought of commitment, but it didn't really have anything to do with BF. I don't have and never have had any wish to "shop around" for a guy so who knows where it came from. 

I talked to BF about it and he said while he wasn't feeling exactly the same thing, he was definitely nervous and ring shopping was a massive step for him.

loves2shop4shoes

I would say that what you're experiencing is perfectly normal, especially for someone who's gotten seriously burned before.  All of the men in my life have used and abandoned me (in one form or the other).  They all treated me like an object.  My longest relationship prior to FI was an extremely abusive one.

FI is nothing like all of those who came before him.  He is sweet, caring, understanding, affectionate, smart, funny, honest, faithful, trustworthy, and a GENUINELY good person.  While I know this in my head and in my heart, it's hard NOT to get terrified that he could change and hurt me.  I mean, forever is a LONG time...and EVERYONE changes.  When you marry someone, you just have to trust that your spouse will change in ways that you can handle as a couple.

EDIT:  I also had a moment of fear cross my mind when he was buying my engagement ring.  I realized that he was making a huge investment in me.  I asked him repeatedly if he was "sure" about me.  It was hard for me to accept that someone could love me so much that he'd save up thousands of dollars to buy me a beautiful ring to propose with.

As a matter of fact, when I realized FI was proposing (during his little speech), for a split second, my mind freaked out and then reigned in my crazy.  His proposal was so beautiful, it brought up a lot of emotions for me.  He looked me in the eye the entire time and I could tell he really meant it all; it's quite a profound moment to have the man you love telling you how much he loves you and asking you to spend the rest of your lives together, no matter what.

The point is, if you're serious enough to get engaged, you'd be a fool not to have these concerns.  The people that are going to have the most difficulty staying happily married are those that go into marriage thinking "Everything is perfect.  He's perfect and it will stay that way forever."

Narwhal

BF hasn't proposed, but sometimes I get nervous thinking about it coming soon (read: the next 2 months or so).  Not because I don't want to marry him and I have no doubts that I will say yes, but the act of being engaged is kind of scary to me.  I think it's everyone else that I'm getting fluttery about.  If it were just BF and I and we were the only ones around and we were the only ones who had a say in anything, I would be just fine.  But thinking about announcing it... even having to get everyone together causes concern for me for some reason.

notquiteblushing

I think being nervous is normal, especially in your circumstances.  I think now is a good time to think everything through on your own.  Good luck.

leia1979

I feel that a little, too. I'm still going to say yes, but I'm the kind of person who doesn't like commiting to long-term things. I always worry I might change my mind at some point down the road.

prodigalgirl

I really appreciate your responses!!  It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one thinking like that!!

Thanks, ladies!

MLekathLEEN

I wouldn't say I had"cold feet" necessarily. I would call it more of a "holy sh!t were really doing this" type thing. Excited but still a bit nervous about the unknown, which is totally normal.

GL!

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-of-cold-feet-before-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1582fd44-6918-4f86-bffa-aef72c9c0f51Post:7caf46c4-e5d7-48c1-bec0-dc3920e002b2">Re: Did any of you get cold feet before the proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't say I had"cold feet" necessarily. I would call it more of a "holy sh!t were really doing this" type thing. Excited but still a bit nervous about the unknown, which is totally normal. GL!
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

i think i just discovered a message in my inbox from you with your old s/n...  uh, my bad.

also...  since my BF has been bringing up rings and we've gone in to look at them and kind of map out how we want to do it, i've been having the same feeling...  like...  omg, this is IT/i have no idea what i'm doing ...  scary/exciting...  kind of like the same feeling i get when i'm going up the first sloooooooow hill on the titan ride at six flags... 

or maybe that doesn't make sense and i should go back into my lurkey-hole.

oh well.  :)

leia1979

I think many people have that reaction, Lindsay.

Strangely enough, we were both super-calm during ring shopping and were both surprised by that. I think for me, it's not real until the actual proposal. Right now it's just shopping, and I'm an expert at shopping!

StarGazingHiker

I agree with everyone... I think it is a common reaction. When my bf and I went ring shopping the first time, I was so nervous that my hands were shaking so badly, I could barely hold my hand still long enough to see how the rings looked...

 It's slightly scary because it is such a huge step. You're agreeing to spend the rest of your life with this one person, that's a huge and scary idea. So take some time and get used to the idea and think about what you want.

Good luck!

musikbx

Here's a nifty article about pre-engagement anxiety, and "cold feet":

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/brides-and-grooms-cold-feet

Edited to add my opinion:

I think it's a normal thing that people don't usually discuss. It is a natural thing to feel anxiety before ANY life changing event, engagement and marriage are no different. In other words, you're not alone. I guess the difference lies in the type of anxiety you are having. It's one thing to be anxious about your new life as a Mrs., it's another thing to be worried about red flag issues. You don't seem to be expressing any concerns about HIM per se, just the engagement/marriage.

  

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_did-of-cold-feet-before-proposal?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1582fd44-6918-4f86-bffa-aef72c9c0f51Post:85ea3282-9ea7-471e-9105-fa87fb2084b9">Re: Did any of you get cold feet before the proposal?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's a nifty article about pre-engagement anxiety, and "cold feet": <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/brides-and-grooms-cold-feet" rel="nofollow">http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/brides-and-grooms-cold-feet</a>
Posted by musikbx[/QUOTE]

thanks for this!

jess9802

I wandered over to this board and saw this post.

I went through the same thing when my now-FI and I began to discuss getting married last February. We were even talking about getting married this past July. Up to that point, I'd been happy and in love, but there was something about knowing that he was going to propose that triggered an awful lot of anxiety. I had no idea how to deal with the anxiety and nerves, and it just mushroomed out of control. It all came to a head a few days after he proposed in early March, and we ended up temporarily calling it all off. DRAMA! Fortunately, we came to our senses, decided that a four-month engagement was not necessary, and he gave me the emotional space to work through the change from "just dating" to "engaged and about to be married." It took some time, and I have my moments, but I've just now been able to get excited about the thought of getting married and a wedding, and the anxiety has pretty much gone away.

One resource I found tremendously helpful was The Conscious Bride. The author, Sheryl Paul, also has a website: http://conscious-transitions.com. Reading that book and the site made me feel so much better about what I was experiencing, because it is normal, it's not talked about openly, and if you don't understand what you're experiencing, you can sabotage your relationship.

Good luck to you!