Vow Renewal Ceremony...what to do and not do

DanniM82

Okay so my husband and I were married about a year and a half ago very quickly and it was a civil ceremony.  It was just me, my husband and the judge. We were pretty young when we did this and still relatively young (in 20s).  We received no gifts (I am not saying that we should have since we did not have a reception), there were no pictures, no parties, no honeymoon and no rings...basically as nontraditional as you can get.  It was very complicated why we did it this way (fear of family members interfering, pressure...all that bull) but of course a year and a half later we totally regret it.  Sometimes you don't realize how much you affect people until you already committed the act. Well we want to have a vow renewal ceremony and have the wedding that we never did.  I feel strange about doing this and I just wanted some thoughts and opinions from others...like should I have bridesmaids?  Should we receive gifts (we would never ask people)? Should we cut a cake??? Those sorts of things.  I really feel like we missed out and if we could do it all over again believe me we would...it has gone as far as us talking about divorce just to get remarried in the future (crazy I know).  It has been driving me crazy!  I would appreciate any insights or opinions, thanks all :-) 

nmurphy80

Wow....this thread is somewhat old...but i'm hoping Danni that you are still looking on here, planning and not paying attention to a large majority of the posts on here. I was APALLED to see what, especially, in the beginning folks are saying to you. I wonder...if instead of just admitting that you didn't like the way you did it...if you would of said "My husband is in the military, we married at JOP to be married before he was deployed and now we'd like to have the wedding we never did." I see that all the time and people seem supportive. But just because you admitted you didn't do it the right way doesn't mean you have any less of a right of have the wedding you would like.

I myself am in somewhat of the same position. Our first wedding was absolutley lovely. However since our families paid for it it was mostly everything they wanted and pretty much none of our friends were there. We have debated over the past few years having something else where our friends could attend. Both of us felt that our original nuptials were not very romantic...more stressful if anything...and recently we've both had very bad medical news in our families that we've been dealing with and it's made us feel closer. We also felt we were a bit too young at the time we got married. We have both grown so much. Now we have been married 5 years. I wanted to do a renewal last year and started planning something at our local Ren Faire so all of our friends could be there and share the day with us, however it quickly became all about planning to accomodate our friends and we quickly decided that we didn't want that. We wanted something small, intimate and just for us where it was just for us to re-affirm how we feel about one another.

It sounds lke you are looking for something different. If you want to do something to include family and friends I would suggest renting a hall or if you could host it at someones house and have the "ceremony" where you renew your vows and then a reception following. If you do this I would say whatever you did not have the first time around would be OK. I'm a little confused to if you had guests and gifts ect the first time around. If it literally was just you and your hubby and you had no party or gifts or anything the first time around I say go all out. You could send out invites that specify "We request your attendance at our renewal of vows ceremony and reception. Since we were not able to share our wedding day with friends and family, we now invite you to come and celebrate with us as renew our vows and celebrate our marriage." I would say no pre wedding stuff, as in a shower or bachelorette parties ect. But if you would like attendants, a gown, a cake, and if you recieved no gifts the first time around I say go for it. If you did and you just want people to come to the party you could always say the same thing as above and just specify "We ask that you bring no gifts, we only ask for your presence to share in this joyous day with us."

Seriously.,..get with it people. It's modern times now. There is no rule that says you have to renew your vows during a milestone or even on your anniversary! There are VERY few rules anymore. Don't believe me? Look it up!

Back to you Danni Since my hubby and I are looking for something intimate we were thinking of doing it during our yearly anniversary trip and would actually renew during on our anniversary. So we have been looking at both New Orleans and Las Vegas. Both have places (especially Vegas) that offers vow renewal packages from anywhere from $99 - $900. The ones we are looking at in both places cost around $300 to $500 and include transportation to and from site, minister to renew our vows and complete ceremony, champagne toast (some give you flutes to keep), small 6" cake, bouquet for me, butonniere for him, photos (anywhere from 36 to 100 on a disc), and video of service. They have all different kinds of packages really! We had also thought about going back to the Poconos (that should be somewhat close to you too). We went there for our first anniversary and they also offer a special vow renewal package where they supply all the stuff I mentioned above! Even though we are doing something intimate my husband and I also fully intend to embrace the whole expierience. We planned on me definatly getting a dress (I have been looking at tea length wedding dress all have been under $100) and a birdcage veil and he will get a new suit. We were also even tossing around the idea of resetting my engagement ring and getting him a new wedding band!

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_vow-renewal-ceremonywhat-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:beff53c8-2111-4b08-b443-30ddef576050Post:2763b875-729a-4aba-a5c7-6627cd194914">Re: Vow Renewal Ceremony...what to do and not do</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow....this thread is somewhat old...but i'm hoping Danni that you are still looking on here, planning and not paying attention to a large majority of the posts on here. I was APALLED to see what, especially, in the beginning folks are saying to you. I wonder...if instead of just admitting that you didn't like the way you did it...<strong>if you would of said "My husband is in the military, we married at JOP to be married before he was deployed and now we'd like to have the wedding we never did." I see that all the time and people seem supportive.</strong> <font color="#ff0000"><em>No, it wouldn't change my answer at all.  People choose HOW and WHEN they get married.  No one HAS to get married.  Bt they do.  And as grown-ups, they should learn that you live with the consequences of the decisions you make.

</em></font><strong>But just because you admitted you didn't do it the right way</strong>   <em><font color="#ff0000">How utterly and completely insulting to people who choose to have a JOP wedding.  They didn't get married the "right" way?  How dare you?

</font></em>doesn't mean you have any less of a right of have the wedding you would like. I myself am in somewhat of the same position. Our first wedding was absolutley lovely. However since our families paid for it it was mostly everything they wanted and pretty much none of our friends were there. We have debated over the past few years having something else where our friends could attend. Both of us felt that our original nuptials were not very romantic...more stressful if anything...and recently we've both had very bad medical news in our families that we've been dealing with and it's made us feel closer. <strong>We also felt we were a bit too young at the time we got married.  </strong><font color="#ff0000"><em>Then why did you get married?  That's just a lame reason to have a regret party now.

</em></font>e have both grown so much. Now we have been married 5 years. I wanted to do a renewal last year and started planning something at our local Ren Faire so all of our friends could be there and share the day with us, however it quickly became all about planning to accomodate our friends and we quickly decided that we didn't want that. We wanted something small, intimate and just for us where it was just for us to re-affirm how we feel about one another. It sounds lke you are looking for something different. If you want to do something to include family and friends I would suggest renting a hall or if you could host it at someones house and have the "ceremony" where you renew your vows and then a reception following. If you do this I would say whatever you did not have the first time around would be OK. I'm a little confused to if you had guests and gifts ect the first time around. If it literally was just you and your hubby and you had no party or gifts or anything the first time around I say go all out. You could send out invites that specify "We request your attendance at our renewal of vows ceremony and reception. Since we were not able to share our wedding day with friends and family, we now invite you to come and celebrate with us as renew our vows and celebrate our marriage."   They can celebrate the marriage with an anniversary party instead of a do-over "vow ceremony".

I would say no pre wedding stuff, as in a shower or bachelorette parties ect. But if you would like attendants, a gown, a cake, and if you recieved no gifts the first time around I say go for it. If you did and you just want people to come to the party you could always say the same thing as above and just specify <strong>"We ask that you bring no gifts,</strong> <strong>we only ask for your presence to share in this joyous day with us.</strong>    <em><font color="#ff0000">Actually, It is poor etiquette to EVER mention gifts, whether it's for the wedding or the regret party.

</font></em><strong> Seriously.,..get with it people. It's modern times now.</strong> <em> <font color="#ff0000">And that means what?  That having a do-over is okay becuse it's 2011?  Rubbish.

</font></em>There is no rule that says you have to renew your vows during a milestone or even on your anniversary! <strong>There are VERY few rules anymore. Don't believe me?   Look it up!</strong>   <em><font color="#ff0000">Look it up?  Where does one look for that?

</font></em>Back to you Danni :) Since my hubby and I are looking for something intimate we were thinking of doing it during our yearly anniversary trip and would actually renew during on our anniversary. So we have been looking at both New Orleans and Las Vegas. Both have places (especially Vegas) that offers vow renewal packages from anywhere from $99 - $900. The ones we are looking at in both places cost around $300 to $500 and include transportation to and from site, minister to renew our vows and complete ceremony, champagne toast (some give you flutes to keep), small 6" cake, bouquet for me, butonniere for him, photos (anywhere from 36 to 100 on a disc), and video of service. They have all different kinds of packages really! We had also thought about going back to the Poconos (that should be somewhat close to you too). We went there for our first anniversary and they also offer a special vow renewal package where they supply all the stuff I mentioned above! Even though we are doing something intimate my husband and I also fully intend to embrace the whole expierience. We planned on me definatly getting a dress (I have been looking at tea length wedding dress all have been under $100) and a birdcage veil and he will get a new suit. We were also even tossing around the idea of resetting my engagement ring and getting him a new wedding band!
Posted by nmurphy80[/QUOTE]

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_vow-renewal-ceremonywhat-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:beff53c8-2111-4b08-b443-30ddef576050Post:49033811-b8e7-4df2-979f-c62dfcd86a3e">Re: Vow Renewal Ceremony...what to do and not do</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Vow Renewal Ceremony...what to do and not do : You didn't have the money then for a wedding industry wedding (WIW).  You still don't really have the money for a WIW.  Your family won't be contributing to help you throw a WIW.  You're just as married now with the wedding you had instead of the WIW. <strong>And yet, you seem to want to spend money that you don't really have on a ceremony that you don't at all need.   Color me confused.
</strong>Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

Ditto.  I join Trix in the land of confused.

nmurphy80

Fabulous. Nice to know it wouldn't change your answer...my point was this is something that I have heard a lot of and seems widely accepted. Yes, most people are not forced to get married. I say "most" because there are some circumstances where they do and cannot afford the time to save up for the big wedding day they might of wanted initially. But yes you are right, most are not forced. So what's the big deal about saying, heck I went to the JOP....wish I would of done the wedding differently, OK lets do it now. What's so crazy about that? I didn't know there was some sort of rule book on when, where and how people could celebrate their marriage.

Oh yes...i'm trying to insult people who had a JOP wedding. Please! Feel free to pick a part my grammar and spelling next just for the sake of argument. I'm sure there is plenty to point out. Obviously, I meant the right thing...FOR HER. If she went to the JOP and was happy with it then it would of been the right thing...but since she went and not regrets it that would seem to me it was not the right thing FOR HER. Way to take a fragment and act like i'm insulting everyone who went to the JOP. In fact, you know...you may actually read on further about how I felt having the whole crowd at my own wedding was overwhelming and for my vow renewal i'm choosing to have it be just my husband and I. I'll put this out there. Any person who gets married in any way whatsoever is doing it THE RIGHT WAY as long as they come out of it smiling, happy and feeling like they had the wedding they wanted. If they look back and do not feel that way...it wasn't right. And really...as a side note, how dare you try and make it sound like i'm being narrow minded? Take a look at your own posts! The whole problem I had with this thread was how judgmental a lot of people seem, not everyone mind you, but some. Hey, you want to tell her she's being financially irresponsible? Fine...You want to tell her that you think having bridesmaids or a cake is wrong? Then fine....but really who are YOU to sit there and say no one gets a "do over". You have to accept your wedding and have that be that and you're not being an adult if you want to renew your vows and have the reception you never had. That is the most judgmental thing i've heard by far! And speaking of judgmental...I LOOOOVE where you ask why did I get married when I did and state it's a lame reason for a regret party. Obviously you were too busy thinking up your awesome "laaame regret party" responses but since you missed it in my original post,I had a lovely wedding. I liked my wedding. I had a nice large wedding with all my family present. I am not having a regret party.....I am going on a awesome vacation with my husband where we are going to renew our vows to express our appreciation for each other from a perspective we would of never had back then.

I know it's poor etiquette to mention gifts at all. But really lets be honest here, if we paid attention to everything that's bad etiquette to you, she wouldn't be doing this in the first place. She would be at home...bemoaning her wedding but accepting it because she's an adult and everyone knows adults do not have lame regret parties. It was just my opinion that being up front and clear about not receiving gifts seems much more welcome than people sitting around wondering "Well they are already married....am I expected to bring a gift??"

You can call it rubbish and you are entitled to your opinion. It may seem like a bitter, overly snobbish, judgmental and practically ancient one but hey it takes all kinds. Since i'm doing a vow renewal i've been reading up on it a lot and there is article after article of how popular they have become. And yes that is what I meant about looking it up. If it's so unheard of, why are there so many places accommodating them? Most destination places have vow renewal packages starting with a very relaxed, casual celebration for just the bride and groom ranging all the way to what they consider a "recreation"...exactly what Danni was looking for. And you know...I may not be looking in the right section but none of them was called the "Lame Regret Party" package. All of the articles and places I have researched mention specifically that it has become much more common to see people doing this and not during milestone anniversaries or even on their anniversary date. It's to celebrate their love and commitment to each other, which isn't that what this is supposed to be about? I got married in 2005 and came back on this site to help plan my renewal...which is also how I came upon this thread. Soooo you just sit around on a wedding website after you're married and troll the message boards to to spread this awesome wedding wisdom? Hmmmmmm. Yea. What was that about being adult and not being lame again?