Is this normal? Kinda Long

Mariemoosh

So BF and I are committed, and have been for 6 years. We are not pushing 30 by any means, so there is no rush except for a previous issue I have posted about(realtions before marriage). Well we have had our serious discussions about marriage, kids and timeline, that was last year.

Well, we had a more recent discussion about the subject, and in his brain it always leads back to money$$$! He has not asked because he feels he doesn't have enough money for a big wedding. I have never once mentioned having a big wedding, or even talked wedding plans. I just have my guidelines that I would like  to not live together till marriage. 

Currently remodeling a house sooo, obviously things need to get rolling. So when we talked about it all he could say was "I don't know, I don't know why I haven't yet, its just expensive and I don't want to go to the courthouse." 

It makes me want to scream, but I don't. The whole conversation just revolves around money and not marriage. He just already feels married, but without the sleeping together. I do not even know where to begin or where to go from here. 

I offered to skip all the fuss go on vacation and  a possible move in next summer, but he won't go for it. We are at a standstill and am so confused. 

P.S BF is a saver, and by any means not poor and has savings, but it's not like I'm trying to get him to spend it all.  

jelique7

It sounds like he might be stringing you along. If you know finances are not the "true" issue and he cannot come up with another reasonable answer I would start to be concerned that he has no plan of marrying you at all. It seems to me that you timeline was not that set in stone if that was last year and he still has no idea. I would have a serious sit down talk with him and not finish until you get to the bottom of it.

Mariemoosh

Yeah it would sound like that. The boy is a saver and had lots of money before buying a house but after of course its less. In any case I know he wants to marry me but he has the personality that can only focus on the money thing. I truly know that if I said were getting married next year, let's go buy a ring and make plans he would totally go for it. Unfortunately, I don't want that scenario, I want him to be a man, which I explained to him.

jelique7

Well maybe he is just  not ready. If you think he would go for that plan then tell him you want to be married by XXX date (obviously it would be a reasonable date). If he says no then I think you have your answer.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_this-normal-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:17c3fdf0-ac31-4947-aa44-43f79aa9c1daPost:39eddeef-8bc4-4b7c-bece-acedd3971e0d">Re: Is this normal? Kinda Long</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah it would sound like that. The boy is a saver and had lots of money before buying a house but after of course its less. In any case I know he wants to marry me but he has the personality that can only focus on the money thing. I truly know that if I said were getting married next year, let's go buy a ring and make plans he would totally go for it. Unfortunately, I don't want that scenario,<strong> I want him to be a man, which I explained to him.
</strong>Posted by Mariemoosh[/QUOTE]

You're going to hate hearing this, but you really can't expect something of someone that isn't part of who they are. If he isn't the type to go and decide that right now and go buy a ring, you can't expect that of him. He likely  just won't do it that way. He'll probably do it his way.

About your beliefs (I'm guessing that's about not living together before marriage? or not sleeping together before marriage or something like that?) and this new house, if you're going to compromise your beliefs for him I do see a problem there. First of all, I don't think it's good to compromise something you believe strongly in. If it matters that much to you, you stick to it no matter how life turns out. So, if you don't want to live together before marriage but BF does and is buying a house, you decide which is more important to you. Also, I'm assuming he knows this about your beliefs, so it doesn't seem respectful to me to brush aside your beliefs like that.

run21

A friend of mine's now husband didn't want to propose until he thought he was financially stable enough. They were together for YEARS (I think 12?) before he finally proposed. Some people have an inflated idea of "stable". Does he think he should be able to support you both? Is he working towards that, maybe?

The perfect time to get married is kind of like the perfect time to have a baby - there isn't a perfect time. There's just a time where you look at each other and say, "Well, whatever comes next, good or bad, we're in it together, so let's do it!"

(Disclaimer: I'm a big fan of financial independence so if there are any 17 year olds living with their parents without a pot to p*Ss in or a window to throw it out of, don't take what I just said as a blanket endorsement of getting married.)

dwest2201

Years ago I would have said that he is leading you on, but he sounds a lot like my FI.  Different people have different ideas of how much money they "need" to have to feel comfortable.  FI prefers his bank account to never go below a certain amount (about a month worth of my salary) which is great and all, but he stresses when it goes below that.  I have very little in my account ever... and it's something that I got used to after seperating from my ex and going it alone without child support.  FI also worries about having money for the future, I think about this and try to plan for it... but I don't stress over it.  We have very different opinions on money but we balance each other nicely and it works well for us... I'm there to remind him that even though we had to pay out 2K last week that we now have a new pipe, water heater and possibly new carpet after the adjuster comes out today and that as long as we have a roof over our heads and each other it will all be alright!  And he's there to say we need to do this or that for the future, etc and not get a new car until we need to.  If your worried that he's stringing you along or isn't ready then maybe he isn't.  If you honestly feel that it is just a money thing then relax and see what happens over the next couple months, trust your gut.

Another thought, maybe he's trying to throw you off too... my FI was stressing about money and telling me he was trying to save for a ring right before I moved in.  I told him I didn't even ened a ring and that something less expensive (moisanite or ruby) would be fine since he felt that there HAD to be a ring.  He surprised me with an awesome 3 stone diamond ring 2 weeks after I moved in!

Ana_2985

This would be a big problem for me.  I am so, so grateful that my FI and I agree on how to save and spend money.  We are always responsible.  We never put anything on credit cards that we can't buy with cash (except cars and college).  We always have enough money in our savings for all of our bill plus extra for emergencies.  We're also saving for house.

However, we also agree that is okay to spend money.  We're students and we don't make a lot of money, but we decided to take a trip to Europe last year.  Was it expensive?  Yes?  Did it put us into debt?  Nope.  My point is, it IS possible to find a balance between spending and saving.  What's the point of saving money if you're not enjoying it at some point?

I hate seeing couples who disagree on saving and spending.  Unless you plan to keep completely separate finances even after you are married (which is fine) I imagine it will continue to cause problems throughout your lives.  I see friends who have BFs similar to yours.  They're not bad people, they are just "savers".  Because he's "frugal", he gets to decide when they have enough money for a house, a ring, a wedding, new cars, everything.  He convinced her that she could only go to grad school at an online may-or-may-not-be-accredited "university" because it was cheaper.

I'm not saying your BF is that bad, I just think that finances are a really important issue in most relationships. I really think that you should focus on finding a compromise on how you and your BF spend and save money before you even consider marrying him.  People always say financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce, don't they?

catemeg

I agree with Ana - they say that financial problems are one of the main issues in relationships that don't work out, even more frequently than infidelity.  This is not a 'black and white' situation - there's no one correct way to handle money, but there is certainly a wrong way.  He's not wrong for wanting to save more before getting married, and you're not wrong for realizing that a wedding doesn't have to be crazy expensive and that you have enough to feel comfortable financially to get married.

If I were you, I would put together a rough budget for a wedding that would be reasonable (I am not suggesting you start picking vendors and venues, but more that you get an idea for how much you would feel comfortable as a wedding budget - TK has a wedding budget calculator that can help you with this).  Put together how much you think that YOU will be able to save and contribute, and what if anything you think your family would be able to contribute (be on the conservative side).  Then print it out, and sit down and have a conversation.  Remind him how you feel about moving in together before marriage, and ask him if he respects that still.  If he does, then ask him how he sees this playing out - does he see you getting married within 2 years?  Ask him what he needs to feel ready to get married - is it a certain number in the bank?  Then show him the hypothetical budget, and discuss how much you each feel comfortable spending on a wedding. 

If he's been dreaming of a big wedding and can't afford one yet, then you need to take that into consideration, also.  But you can still have a big wedding on a budget.  If you can give him an idea of how much it will cost specifically, then it might make the idea more approachable for him and less overwhelming.

Mariemoosh

Thanks for the answers. Firstly, I feel in no way that he is stringing me along, he is waiting for me and has never pushed me to let go of my beliefs. He literally told me a budget for a wedding 10 grand, which I don't know where he pulled from. I just really didn't want to do this whole semi-planning thing when we are not engaged. I guess I am just a little upset at this whole scenario. I know he will take care of me and he would buy me the moon if I asked him to, I think I just didn't feel it was time to get married yet. But there we are almost done with the house, and I'm just ready to move it along.

Also I have no one to talk to so, it really helps to discuss these issues on here. Which leads me to my other point is that I don't think I even know enough people to have a big wedding.

heyimbren

You can have a really, truly beautiful wedding for 10 grand. Honestly, you can have a nice wedding for any amount of money. But 10 grand is perfectly reasonable.

Okay, so... I'm not really sure what the situation is to be honest. What advice are you looking for? Are you ready to get married or not yet? Because this quote gives me the impression that perhaps you're a little confused yourself?

[QUOTE] I think I just didn't feel it was time to get married yet. But there we are almost done with the house, and I'm just ready to move it along. [/QUOTE]

Is it just the money thing that's a problem then? Nothing more to do with your beliefs ?

EDIT: Okay, I found your old post on the beliefs thing. Soo is this no longer an issue then? I'm just asking because you mentioned in your OP. I'm just trying to get a better feel of the problem you perceive here.

Ana_2985

Okay I think you have two problems then.

1) The finances which I already addressed.  And

2) Why do you need to move in with him as soon as the house is finished?  You said that you don't think now is the right time to get married but you feel rushed because the house is almost complete.  That's really silly.  You live apart now right?  So keep living apart once the house is done and get married when the time IS right.  Then move in together.  Lots of people have houses or apartments "together" but don't move-in with each other until after they are married.

Mariemoosh

Yeah I think that last post was a little scrambled. I am referring to the past when we were not ready to get married. But now we have the house, which I am fine with living apart for now. I guess i just wanted some perspective on the situation. I don't want to discuss it any further, I just want him to step it up. I am not even looking to move in right now, but I certainly don't want to wait another three years so he can save 30 grand for a nice cushion.

I don't even know what I'm looking for on here. I guess it just helps to write it out.

yankeeGurl3621

 I would normally say yes that maybe he is avoiding something or is scared but my promised had a similar problem and he FINALLY admitted after 3 YEARS that he thought that he needed $$$ because he wanted to give me the wedding I deserve. Men especially feel pressured to show they're love with gifts and he may feel insecure and for him to admit that can be hard. So he comes off harsh what I did is when I brought up MY wedding plans i showed my guy that even engagement rings can be bought on a budget! (Check out Black Diamonds!!!) He then was more willing to watch wedding shows about having a wedding on a budget (although he won't admit it) so maybe if the problems $$ just bring up in a casual way, a wedding on a Budget. Then if he is still weird then maybe it's something else.

 Good Luck!!!

never2late4happilyeverafter

Seems like you need to ask yourself some very tough quesitons...

(1) What is it that YOU want?
(2) Why do you want to marry this man?
(3) How long are you willing to wait to marry him?
     ... and if the answer is anything less than "how ever long it takes him to be ready for marriage and everything that comes with it", you're in trouble...

You both need to be ready for everything a marraige entails.  It's not jus the pretty ring, the gorgeous dress, flowers designed to your liking, family and friends dancing until dawn with the best DJ/band in town playing.  It's about balancing checkbooks, cleaning a home, putting gas in the car, getting groceries, balancing time with friends, family, each other and time alone... it's not 50/50 no matter what anyone tells you.

There will be days he'll need you to give 90% of the effort to keep the "family" going... running the kids all over town, taking care of an ill pet, visiting his family even when he can't... And there will be days you need him to give 90%...

If he's not ready for that, and you push him into it, you're in big trouble.  If he pushes you before you're ready, he's in big trouble.  If you're not willing to wait for him, cut it off now...  BUT....

If you truly want to share your life with this man, raise children with him, share in the task of taking care of his elderly parents when the time comes, and are confident you can trust your life to him, then sit back, relax, and just wait... as hard as that may be.  Enjoy the days you have together and try not to stress about "when" he's going to propose and why he hasn't already.  It will happen... it won't matter when... and when it does happen, you feel absolutely on top of the world knowing he is ready to tackle all the things you are... together.