How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry)

kelley198721

Hi ladies, hope y'all are having a good Monday so far. As good as it can be anyway, I'm stuck at work

So I'm having a bit of a crisis of insecurity and being clingy and whatnot. Let me explain. My BF is in school right now studying criminal justice and he plans to apply for the police academy later this year. In the meantime, he works night shifts at a grocery store, meaning he doesn't get off until 10 or 10:30 at night.

Before I started my new job, this was not a problem because I used to work at the same grocery store that he did and our schedules were very similar.

However, I started my new marketing job in November and now my work schedule is 8:30 to 5:00 pm, M-F. I have to go to bed around 11 or 11:30 pm in order to be able to wake up in the morning.

This semester, BF's class schedule is busier and his work schedule has also gotten more busy. Because of this, I only see him about twice a week and I usually only see him when he gets off work at night and he comes over to my place to spend the night. When he comes over, we are both usually awake for about an hour and a half to two hours before he or I, or both of us, start to fall asleep.

This is frustrating to me because I feel like the only time we talk nowadays is on the phone, when he's driving to work or home from work. And we'll text each other throughout the day.

I just miss him and I want to spend some proper time with him. Have an actual date night. Anyway, last night he was over and I may have gone a little BSC. I was whiny, insecure and upset for no reason. I was determined to spend some time with him so I kept him up until 2:30 am...and now I'm regretting it because I'm pretty tired. I know,  didn't think that one through.

Anyway, I have this huge fear of being clingy (due to my mother who is the ultimate stage 5 clinger with my dad) and my dad has a habit of falling asleep in his recliner and my mother will try to keep him awake. So when I was trying to keep BF awake last night, I had this moment of "Oh my God...I've turned into my mother!!" and I was absolutely horrified and I got upset and it turned into BF trying to calm me down and reassure me over and over again that I'm not clingy and I'm not my mother.

But that's not the only BSC moment I had...soon after that conversation or maybe before, can't remember which, I said something like "well it's ridiculous that my mother is clingy because she's married and gets to see my dad every day. I only see you like maybe twice a week.....honey, you said that if things keep going like they're going, you would love for me to be your wife...do you still feel that way, do you still want to get married someday?"

I know, I know! But in my defense, we had already discussed marriage and he was the one that brought it up. His reaction last night was something like "Yes, I did mean that, but maybe we shouldn't talk about it for a while...we've been talking about it a lot lately and maybe we need to slow down a little bit. Let's not talk about it for a while, until I bring it up after some time has passed." I nodded and promised that I would not mention marriage until he did. Anyway. I've gotten off track here.

So does anyone have any tips on how to deal with opposite work schedules? I know that when he does become a cop, it'll only get worse...so I need tips on how to deal with that. And how not to be BSC, insecure, whiny, etc? When I left for work this morning, I was able to see last night much more clearly and now I'm just mortified over the way I acted. Sigh.

[Deleted User]

Hummingbird125

I had to deal with something like this for a few months after BF and I first moved in together. I had a 9-6 job, but coupled with a long commute, it meant I had to be up around 6:30am and didn't get home until around 7:30. BF worked 3pm-11, so we'd only get to hang out for about an hour or so until I had to go to sleep every night. Obviously we still got to hang out on weekends all the time, so it wasn't as tough as your situation, but it still wasn't the idealized version of what I thought living together would be like. 

I know it's tough, but I think times like this really prepare you for the future. You can't always control how much time you have to spend together, so you need to make the most of what time you do have. In the future, one of you might need to  or travel for business, or work weekends, and you should be secure enough in your relationship to withstand that.

My suggestion is to make the most of the time you have. Try to play a game together, or just hang out and talk. If you just watch a movie or TV, it may make your together time feel even shorter than it is. Try to plan out longer "dates" in adavnce. When you know you're both going to be off on the same day, or have a whole evening to spend together, have a bunch of plans already made so that you don't waste hours figuring out what you'd like to do.

Do not let your frustration make you pressure your BF into talking about marriage. I know you feel like hearing him talk about those things will make you feel better - but it really won't change anything, so I don't think there's much of a point. Honestly, even if he proposed to you rightthissecond - you'd still have opposite schedules and you'd still need to learn how to keep your relationship strong despite that.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-opposite-work-schedules-kind-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:18fffd60-ae7a-4546-9940-a8c5b0ca75daPost:203dd866-a3ac-4ece-b4f4-85c133c17ac0">Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]My BF works in theatre and I'm an elementary school teacher so I completely get the opposite schedules.  He goes to work aorund 11 am then gets home around 10/10:30 pm, and I have to be up by 5 am for school...so I'm going to bed as he gets home. Although this is kind of archaic,<strong> I try to make sure that there's easily-made dinner available and nothing for him to do when he gets home so we can spend time together instead of on random work or tidying</strong>.  I sometimes even take a nap when I get back from work (around 4) then work out so I've had a bit of rest and then get some energy.  He's normally pretty tired when he gets home too, so we get about an hour of solid together-time before going to bed if I've prepared well.  It sounds like a lot of work, and sometimes it is, but it's worth it. We've been together for 5 1/2 years now, have a house together and all, and he's still not quite on the marriage train, much to my frustration.  I share your fears about being able to spend time together in the future, but I try to be positive since the days off we share together are so wonderful.  If you're really concerned about whether he'll make that step up for a proposal, all I can tell you is what I did this past New Years.  <strong>I told my BF that by this Christmas, he needs to be seriously looking for a ring or getting ready to propose because I'm not waiting my whole life for an engagement, even though I love him entirely.</strong> Don't despair - he sounds worth it!  While his work schedule will be busy, you'll make the best of the time off :)
Posted by gitane16[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I would like to advise against both bolded things.  Firstly, you aren't his mother, you're his partner, so work aside, he should be participating in housework.  Secondly, an ultimatum is never a good idea.</div><div>
</div><div>Look at your schedules, hard.  He should have some days off, and there is time available that you can spend together.  The school thing is only temporary, so that's honestly something you just need to deal with right now.  What you're both doing is building a better future together, and these are sacrifices that you're making right now.</div><div>
</div><div>When he isn't working at dinner time, make dinner together.  Go grocery shopping together and find something you haven't tried before and have fun with it.  One of my favorite "date nights" is "Chopped Night".  We go to the grocery store, each of us picks out 4 ingredients the other must use (we alternate who has entree and who has dessert), and then figure out what you're going to make and get whatever else you might need.  We ALWAYS end up cooking it together, despite the fact that the goal starts out as the other person is supposed to make their course individually.  (Last time we had pan-roasted duck for dinner, and goat cheese ice cream for dessert)</div><div>
</div><div>When he does become a cop, you do the same thing.  You sit down, look at your schedules and figure out where there's time for each other.  If you have to schedule it, schedule it.  There's nothing wrong with that.  </div><div>
</div><div>And if he's not ready for marriage and you decide that you can't wait any longer, you need to be prepared to walk away.  Giving him an ultimatum is honestly the worst idea ever.  If he proposes, you'll always wonder if it was just because you threatened to walk away, and if he doesn't propose and you're not ready to walk away, there are a whole set of extra issues that come with that. Wait for him to bring it up, and when he does, ask him what the timeline is that he has in mind.  If it passes and still nothing, have another conversation.</div>

kelley198721

I like everyone's advice so far but I guess I should clarify. We are not living together, we each have our own apartment. So the housework thing is a moot point. He only comes over to spend the night and that's pretty much it, so no need for him to help with housework lol.

As for the waiting for the proposal, we've only been dating for about 6 months and even though we have discussed marriage when he brought up the idea of living together. I told him no on living together for two reasons. Firstly, my family would disown me. Secondly, I've never wanted to live with a man before I married him. Personally, I feel that if you live together before marriage, then nothing changes after you get married except your last name. And I want marriage to be a completely new and exciting experience. But that's just a personal choice, I have nothing against other couples living together, it's just a matter of what works for each couple.

The point is, I'm not even ready for a proposal until we've been dating for at least a year, which will be this September. However, I will admit that hearing him talk about marriage does make me feel happy and excited for our future and it makes me feel better, like Hummingbird said. But I definitely do NOT want to pressure him or make him feel like I'm pressuring him so from now on, I'm keeping my mouth shut about marriage.

And last night, he did say that he missed me too and he's gonna start requesting some weekends off here and there, because lately he's been working EVERY weekend. And luckily this week, he has today and Thursday off! So today after I get off work, we are going to cook dinner together at my place . Then on Thursday night, we are having our belated Valentine's Day dinner at a restaurant. Meanwhile, I will do my damnedest to be patient and work with his schedule. I love him so very much and I know that if we can just get through him finishing school and the police academy then we can make it

Peekaboo, I like your idea of sitting down and scheduling time. I may start asking him to sit down with me when he gets his schedule for the week and just planning a date

buddysmom80

Before bf and I moved in, we saw each other twice a week.  His schedule at work is that he has Thursdays and Sundays off and I have a normal M-F schedule.  His job is stressful, so he was always tired (still is lol) so we would hang out Friday night but be in bed by 8pm and Saturday night when he got home from work and then I would head back home Sunday morning so that he could have some down time to himself.  It sucked because back then I wanted to spend every day with him but it's what his schedule permitted and we made the best of it. 

Like Peek said, these are the sacrifices you make to make yourselves successful in the long run, so enjoy your time together and make the time together the best time you have that week.

Also, ultimatums are no bueno so whoever suggested that wasn't giving real great advice IMHO.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-opposite-work-schedules-kind-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:18fffd60-ae7a-4546-9940-a8c5b0ca75daPost:098b8ca2-b48c-4893-af45-ce6e47fddd0a">Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]I like everyone's advice so far but I guess I should clarify. We are not living together, we each have our own apartment. So the housework thing is a moot point. <strong>He only comes over to spend the night and that's pretty much it, so no need for him to help with housework lol.</strong> As for the waiting for the proposal, we've only been dating for about 6 months and even though we have discussed marriage when he brought up the idea of living together. I told him no on living together for two reasons. Firstly, <strong>my family would disown me</strong>. Secondly, I've never wanted to live with a man before I married him. Personally, I feel that if you live together before marriage, then nothing changes after you get married except your last name. And I want marriage to be a completely new and exciting experience. But that's just a personal choice, I have nothing against other couples living together, it's just a matter of what works for each couple. The point is, I'm not even ready for a proposal until we've been dating for at least a year, which will be this September. However, I will admit that hearing him talk about marriage does make me feel happy and excited for our future and it makes me feel better, like Hummingbird said. But I definitely do NOT want to pressure him or make him feel like I'm pressuring him so from now on, I'm keeping my mouth shut about marriage. And last night, he did say that he missed me too and he's gonna start requesting some weekends off here and there, because lately he's been working EVERY weekend. And luckily this week, he has today and Thursday off! So today after I get off work, we are going to cook dinner together at my place :). Then on Thursday night, we are having our belated Valentine's Day dinner at a restaurant. Meanwhile, I will do my damnedest to be patient and work with his schedule. I love him so very much and I know that if we can just get through him finishing school and the police academy then we can make it :) <strong>Peekaboo,</strong> I like your idea of sitting down and scheduling time. I may start asking him to sit down with me when he gets his schedule for the week and just planning a date :)
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]

<div>First, please call me Peek.  :)</div><div>
</div><div>Second, I'm going to have to disagree with you on the housework thing.  BF and I do not live together, but that doesn't mean I don't help out when I stay at his place and he doesn't help out when he stays here.  We actually schedule when to clean his bathroom (he has his own at his place, I share) based on when I'm going to be there.  That's something we've done since we started dating - if we're going to share space at all, then we're both responsible for keeping it clean.  I help him clean up his room/fold laundry/whatever, and he does the same for me.  I've learned from more than one bad relationship that if you can't clean together, you're probably going to have some more issues, and the ability to share housework is kind of a big deal for me.  I dated a guy who expected me to work 40+ hour weeks, have dinner ready for him when he got home at midnight, and still keep his apartment clean.  Never again.</div><div>
</div><div>Third, while I'm glad you have your own ideas about living together before marriage, it bothers me a little bit that your family's reaction is the first thing you jumped to.  Part of being ready for marriage and a serious relationship that leads to marriage is your ability to tell your family "I respect your beliefs, but these are mine" as well as the ability to set boundaries with your family.  Again, I'm glad you clarified that you also don't feel like living together before marriage is a good thing, but I wanted to bring it up because it seemed that your family's beliefs are your first struggling point.  So, not judging, but food for thought.</div>

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-opposite-work-schedules-kind-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:18fffd60-ae7a-4546-9940-a8c5b0ca75daPost:012f5ea3-911f-4f6c-9ef1-3ea2949af1ef">Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry) : First, please call me Peek.  :) Second, I'm going to have to disagree with you on the housework thing.  BF and I do not live together, but that doesn't mean I don't help out when I stay at his place and he doesn't help out when he stays here.  We actually schedule when to clean his bathroom (he has his own at his place, I share) based on when I'm going to be there.  That's something we've done since we started dating - if we're going to share space at all, then we're both responsible for keeping it clean.  I help him clean up his room/fold laundry/whatever, and he does the same for me.  I've learned from more than one bad relationship that if you can't clean together, you're probably going to have some more issues, and the ability to share housework is kind of a big deal for me.  I dated a guy who expected me to work 40+ hour weeks, have dinner ready for him when he got home at midnight, and still keep his apartment clean.  Never again. Third, while I'm glad you have your own ideas about living together before marriage, it bothers me a little bit that your family's reaction is the first thing you jumped to.  Part of being ready for marriage and a serious relationship that leads to marriage is your ability to tell your family "I respect your beliefs, but these are mine" as well as the ability to set boundaries with your family.  Again, I'm glad you clarified that you also don't feel like living together before marriage is a good thing, but I wanted to bring it up because it seemed that your family's beliefs are your first struggling point.  So, not judging, but food for thought.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Will do, Peek :)

I hadn't considered that. He does spend the night at least twice a week but he doesn't really use my bathroom. After I leave to go to work, he will go back to sleep for a while then get up and go to his place to take a shower. (We live in the same apartment complex). However, he DOES make my bed for me every morning which I find funny because I am bad about making up my bed. And he is diligent about making up his so when he started spending the night and leaving my place in the morning, he makes up my bed now. Without me asking. I didn't even have to say anything! It didn't even occur to me to make up my bed honestly. Like I said, I'm bad about that habit lol.

Anyway, he keeps his apartment fairly clean as well. We are actually about the same as far as cleaning standards.

However, on February 28th, he is moving out of his apartment and into a friend's house. He'll be renting the basement from them. So we will no longer be in the same apartment complex. Which makes me sad because I won't lie, it has been very convenient for us to be neighbors.

Anyway, when he moves, he asked me if it was okay for him to spend the night more often at my place. And he also asked me for a drawer and told me that I could leave a drawer of my things at his place if I wanted to. I said yes, of course.  So in about two weeks, he will start fully using my bathroom, taking showers, leaving his clothes and toothbrush at my place. And I'll start doing the same at his place.

So I guess we will start talking about doing housework...just not sure how to approach the topic. Like "Hey, you wanna help me clean?" Lol just kidding...how did you broach the housework topic with your BF?

Oh and as for the living together thing and my family's reaction. You are right on that point, actually. If it weren't for my family's reaction, I would be very very tempted to move in with him. I love the idea of getting to see him every day and coming home to him at night. So if my family weren't an issue, I might seriously consider it. But at the same time, I feel that I would probably regret moving in with him, simply because I didn't have enough discipline to stick to my beliefs. It's hard to say actually...if my family weren't involved, just how tempting would it be to move in with him? Hmm.

I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. My lease isn't up until later this year so obviously we couldn't move in together until the end of this year. And at this point, I'm not willing to fight with my family over something that I'm not even sure that I want to do.

Hummingbird125

Hey Kelley,

As far as bringing up the cleaning situation, in my experience it will really depend on how clean/responsible you each are. BF and I never had a discussion about cleaning or came up with a plan. When a room is messy, one of us will end up saying "Hey - we need to clean." And then we do. We've also settled into a routine of BF filling the dishwasher (because I HATE touching dirty dishes), and me emptying it. We never made a plan to do it that way, it just kinda happened. Depending on what you guys are like you may need to/want to say "Should we take turns cleaning the bathroom once a week?" etc., or you may both just figure it out as you go along.

ETA: For the record - before we lived together, we each lived with roommates. BF had two roommates and I had one. Neither of us did much cleaning at the other's apt., aside from putting things away that we had used. 

peekaboo2011

As far as housework goes, it just kind of happened naturally.  He was like "OMG your hair is everywhere!!" and I was like "Well, here let's clean the bathroom."  And now we try to do it once every two weeks.  Sometimes it's longer, but I always help - usually I do the sink and toilet, and he does the shower and floor.  I also clean mirrors and the toothbrush (we use an electric at his place), both of which he hates to do, and I hate cleaning the shower and floor (I cannot stand the smell of bleach without a window open, and there are no windows in his bathroom).

As far as moving in goes, think about it.  Hard.  That's a decision that's hard to reverse, and after my last relationship, I'd honestly have an insanely difficult time getting married without living with someone first.  There is SO much you can't know about someone until you live with them, and I am close to having the market cornered on "Little Shite That Annoys The Fark out of Me".  You need to decide what you believe in before you guys have that conversation, but I am a strong advocate for it.  BF and I are moving in together Aug 2014, and he knows that we wouldn't have even considered it if we weren't moving in the direction of getting engaged/married.  We're waiting though for several reasons - I just signed a lease last month, for the first time.  We wanted me to have my own place for a lease cycle before we moved in together, and that was, for me, a money thing.  I wanted to make sure that I could fully support myself, and we wanted our relationship to grow when I wasn't living with my parents (it was a rough year).  In addition, we wanted time to get used to the idea of living together.  We're each other's second serious relationship, and wanted to make sure that we're really ready to make that commitment.  For us, it's apartment, ring, wedding, house, kids.  

His parents are far more traditional than mine are.  And you know what? They're ecstatic that we're planning on moving in that direction.  These are the same parents who apparently flipped out when they found out he and his last girlfriend were having sex.  

If you decide that what YOU want is to live with him before marriage, then sit down and have an adult conversation with your parents.  "Mom and Dad, I know that you raised me to believe x, but BF and I are moving in that direction, and we've decided that we'd like to live together before marriage to ensure that we're 100% compatible before we make the permanent commitment of marriage."  If you can have a calm, rational, adult conversation with them about what you and your BF want in your relationship, I'd be willing to bet that they'd be calm and rational about it as well.  It's not that you're going against your beliefs, it's that you're choosing what you want for you.

To add to that, you mentioned that you want marriage to be a completely new experience.  Even if you live together before you're married, it still will be.  Because you'll be married for the first time EVER.  Another woman on this board was talking about how her relationship has changed since they got married, not in a bad way, but because they're married now. If she pops in, she can explain it.  Tiger?

[Deleted User]

I'd like to clarify from my first post about the readily-available meals.  When my BF comes home at 11 pm, there really isn't time for us to have a lovely evening making dinner together.  Having a home together, we do all chores and housework evenly (preferably during a time other than our few hours together in the evenings).  I offerred this as a suggestion for the nights when there is little time together, as it is something my BF appreciates (and I do when he does the same for me).  He is usually the cook on weekends, and since I get home around 4 (as mentioned), I have the time to make something for dinner that we can enjoy together later in the evening.  I'm definitely not his mother!  It's a give-and-take thing without question.

As to what I told him at New Years, I specifically didn't write ultimatum for a reason.  We've both discussed marriage, and he needed to know it was something I was not going to give up, and that I have a timeline in mind.  I was simply sharing with the OP how I won't be compromising what I want in life if he isn't ready to move forward.

nwwoodsybride

My BF and I don't live together and we live about 45-50 mins away from each other. This issue came up for us a few months back.

We took some time to talk and work through and find a win win. It didn't work for me to not connect as much as I needed. It didn't work for him financially to drive that much  He wanted to afford a good life for us and save money so we could get married. I didn't mind going a few days not seeing him when he was working for 'us'. In fact it made me feel incredible loved.

We switched from having 5-6 days of hanging out to 2 days hanging out relaxing and more intentional dates where we connected, talked about the future, or took a class together. So even though we spend less time together it's more quality time. Typically Wednesdays we talk about 'the future', go out on a date, and go to our premarital class. On Sundays we have church and take an economics class together, and any other time we spend together is chill time.

On days we aren't hanging out it's all him. We focus on our own stuff. I don't even expect to hear from him but I've noticed over time he checks in through out the day and he tells me he misses me. So if we do go a few days without seeing eachother I feel at peace and I still can look forward to dates.

This was really helpful because I've dated some really non commital guys who made me feel clingy wanting to see them twice week. Once I realized that by talking to my BF I could get my needs met, I calmed way the heck down. And when he's focused on my needs I can look out for his and give him a 'day off'.

beanbot2002

So, el senor and I have opposite schedules. It's tough, and we live together. I work a typical 9-5, while he works 4:30pm-midnight. By the time I come home from work, he's gone; and by the time he gets home, I'm asleep. Every Saturday morning, Bean and I head out to the barn before el senor has woken up. So, we see each other Saturday afternoon/evening, and Sunday during the day. Obviously we see each other during the week, but it's just a few passing moments. A kiss goodbye in the morning, a kiss goodnight when he comes in.

Like I said, it's tough, but we make it work. You just have to make the most of every minute you do get together. Right now it's what's best for our family, finacially.

Please do not take the advice of a PP to issue an ultimatum. It's the worst stinking pile of cow poop I've read in a long time. You guys have been together for a relatively short amount of time. Just breathe. Building a life together is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A long, exhausting, at times-frustrating, marathon. But it's a wonderful one. Take your time, enjoy the now, and remove all pressure you're placing on yourself and BF.

kelley198721

Thanks everyone, for the advice. I will definitely try to make the most of the time that we do have together. Last night, I was able to have a proper date night and today I feel so much better. Now I can go the rest of the week without seeing him and actually stay calm about it lol.

We have talked and we've agreed to work on our schedules a bit and also to make our time together feel more like quality time, as PPs have suggested.

As for moving in, I will think about it and consider it. However, that can wait for a while because even if we wanted to move in together, it couldn't happen until the end of this year so I have time.

And I like what the PP said about how it's a marathon, not a sprint. You're absolutely right and this actually helps me. Now when I'm missing my BF or wishing I spent more time with him, I just need to focus on the time that we will have together and how great it will be

Oh Peek, I would be interested in your friend's perspective on how marriage is completely different, even if you live together beforehand. That might be a tipping point as far as deciding to move in with him...hmm.

I think that's about it for now. Thanks ladies, your feedback has really helped me

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-opposite-work-schedules-kind-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:18fffd60-ae7a-4546-9940-a8c5b0ca75daPost:cb718168-77ae-4ee1-b5a0-01d0600e87e9">Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks everyone, for the advice. I will definitely try to make the most of the time that we do have together. Last night, I was able to have a proper date night and today I feel so much better. Now I can go the rest of the week without seeing him and actually stay calm about it lol. We have talked and we've agreed to work on our schedules a bit and also to make our time together feel more like quality time, as PPs have suggested. As for moving in, I will think about it and consider it. However, that can wait for a while because even if we wanted to move in together, it couldn't happen until the end of this year so I have time. And I like what the PP said about how it's a marathon, not a sprint. You're absolutely right and this actually helps me. Now when I'm missing my BF or wishing I spent more time with him, I just need to focus on the time that we will have together and how great it will be :) <strong>Oh Peek, I would be interested in your friend's perspective on how marriage is completely different, even if you live together beforehand. </strong>That might be a tipping point as far as deciding to move in with him...hmm. I think that's about it for now. Thanks ladies, your feedback has really helped me :)
Posted by kelley198721[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Hi Kelley,</div><div>My husband and I lived together for 1.5 years officially (another 1.5 years before that unofficially) before we got engaged. So we were living together for just short of four years before we got married. I won't say that things COMPLETELY changed after we got married, but there is definitely something different and special about looking across the dinner table at your husband versus your boyfriend or fiance.</div><div>
</div><div>I won't go so far as to say I think someone NEEDS to live with someone else before getting married, I just think that some of the issues that get ironed out while you are dating or engaged will get pushed back to when you get married. I think there's an adjustment period after you get married while you wrestle with what's 'mine' and 'ours.' I know my DH and I did, even though we'd been together for so long.</div><div>
</div><div>In short, I wouldn't worry that living together before marriage is going to 'ruin' that special feeling of being married. It will make some things easier, but it will also make some things harder (relationships with conservative family, for example). I would urge you strongly not to compromise your beliefs. You are in the VERY early stages of a relationship. It's still the honeymoon period, and I'm not exagerating when I say that that period can last YEARS. My DH and I are STILL learning things about each other. I'd say it took us 1.5-2 years to really be 100% authentic with each other all the time. So if you DO consider moving in with him, I'd suggest waiting at least another year, to be sure that it's more than just puppy love, and before you modify your beliefs for a fledgling relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>I hope that helped!</div><div>
</div>

kelley198721

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_how-to-deal-with-opposite-work-schedules-kind-of-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:18fffd60-ae7a-4546-9940-a8c5b0ca75daPost:fe4b99b9-a68f-4587-9ac8-cb60c68cedcf">Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to Deal with Opposite Work Schedules? (Kind of long, sorry) : Hi Kelley, My husband and I lived together for 1.5 years officially (another 1.5 years before that unofficially) before we got engaged. So we were living together for just short of four years before we got married. I won't say that things COMPLETELY changed after we got married, but there is definitely something different and special about looking across the dinner table at your husband versus your boyfriend or fiance. I won't go so far as to say I think someone NEEDS to live with someone else before getting married, I just think that some of the issues that get ironed out while you are dating or engaged will get pushed back to when you get married. I think there's an adjustment period after you get married while you wrestle with what's 'mine' and 'ours.' I know my DH and I did, even though we'd been together for so long. In short, I wouldn't worry that living together before marriage is going to 'ruin' that special feeling of being married. It will make some things easier, but it will also make some things harder (relationships with conservative family, for example). I would urge you strongly not to compromise your beliefs. You are in the VERY early stages of a relationship. It's still the honeymoon period, and I'm not exagerating when I say that that period can last YEARS. My DH and I are STILL learning things about each other. I'd say it took us 1.5-2 years to really be 100% authentic with each other all the time. So if you DO consider moving in with him, I'd suggest waiting at least another year, to be sure that it's more than just puppy love, and before you modify your beliefs for a fledgling relationship. I hope that helped!
Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

Hmm, you bring up a lot of good points. You're right about it making it hard for relationships with my family and I really don't think I'll ever be willing to challenge my family on this issue, even if I could personally get past my own beliefs about living with him before marriage.

And of course you're right, about it being the early stages. Which is why when we briefly discussed the idea of moving in together, we agreed to wait at least a year before even seriously considering it.

And despite the fact that we are in love with each other and see us lasting a very long time, we still want to be careful and do the smart thing, which is continue dating for at least a year or longer, before we take any major steps further with our relationship.

But reading your perspective really helped and it's all great advice, which I plan to be following, for sure. :) Thanks again!

Shiroyasha

I understand what the feeling is like. My BF works 3 different shifts over a span of his employer's contracts, if they last that long.  Right now he's on graveyards from 11pm to 7am. If the job lasts more than two weeks, he'll move to swing shift which is 3pm to 11pm.  My schedule varies day to day, but it never coincides with his, which makes things difficult.  

Despite being difficult, not seeing each other all the time can benefit the relationship.  When BF is gone a lot, it makes what time we get to spend together seem much more special.  It also makes me want to throttle him a lot less.  What we both worked on was making time for each other, even when there seemed like there was none.  We would either stay up an hour or two later or get up an hour or two earlier here and there.  If there was spare time to be had by either of us, you can be darned sure we used it.  

I don't think you need to live with someone before marriage, but I think people should try anyway.  You never know what might happen.  Living with someone is a completely different ball game that takes tons of patience and lots of learning how to cohabitate with someone.  I know people that despite loving each other so very much, they could never live together without one wanting to maim the other.