Not Engaged Yet

Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long

My cousin got engaged recently which prompted discussion about weddings and naturally engagement rings yesterday at a family gathering. My boyfriend and I continued the conversation later on and he seems to have a very strange view regarding the ring. I know exactly what I would want and we have looked at styles many times together. However, after we look at them (talk about split personality) he says I should not be picking my ring because it is "a gift from him" and I should have no say in it  because it must be something HE likes, not something I like. He also thinks its "ridiculous" to spend the amount it would cost to purchase my ring even though he could COMFORTABLY afford something costing 3x the price. My take is that he thinks it will make him look like an idiot if he spends money on a piece of jewelery - but I dont know why he thinks this way. I love him and want to marry him and would rather NO ring than something I dont like and will not be comfortable wearing. Its not the money that is bothering me, as I would gladly accept anything if he had the view that this was the best he could afford and he would get me what I wanted if he could. It is the fact that it is important to me and because it isnt important to him, It doesnt matter. This is EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING!! I dont know how to get him to see that  if something is important to me, he has to respect that and should Want to give me what I want even if HE places little importance on it.

Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long

  • edited December 2011
    BF thinks the same thing as your BF.

    And I agree with him.  The ring is a gift from him (especially if he wants to do it himself) and if he doesn't want you to have a say in it, that's kind of just how it goes.  I'm sure when it comes time for him to start shopping for it, he will try to find one that you will like.  Just trust him with this. You'll love whatever he gets you because you're marrying the man you love.  And he should not spend more than he is comfortable with spending.

    Sorry friend. :)
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:dfbe7f76-d515-4a8b-a246-65a973a03200">Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My cousin got engaged recently which prompted discussion about weddings and naturally engagement rings yesterday at a family gathering. My boyfriend and I continued the conversation later on and he seems to have a very strange view regarding the ring. I know exactly what I would want and we have looked at styles many times together. However, after we look at them (talk about split personality) he says I should not be picking my ring because it is "a gift from him" and I should have no say in it  because it must be something HE likes, not something I like. He also thinks its "ridiculous" to spend the amount it would cost to purchase my ring even though he could COMFORTABLY afford something costing 3x the price. My take is that he thinks it will make him look like an idiot if he spends money on a piece of jewelery - but I dont know why he thinks this way. I love him and want to marry him and would rather NO ring than something I dont like and will not be comfortable wearing. Its not the money that is bothering me, as I would gladly accept anything if he had the view that this was the best he could afford and he would get me what I wanted if he could. It is the fact that it is important to me and because it isnt important to him, It doesnt matter. This is EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING!! I dont know how to get him to see that  if something is important to me, he has to respect that and should Want to give me what I want even if HE places little importance on it.
    Posted by stef0819[/QUOTE]


    I think you are being ridiculous.

    My FI also insisted that I have nothing to do with the ring because it was a gift from him. It was a little difficult for me to entirely take myself out of the equation of choosing, but I did because I knew he would get something that I would like. And he did. The ring he gave me is perfect, but it means the most to me because he went out of his way to get me something special just from him.

    You have shown him what you like. If he KNOWS you, he should be able to make a decision that will make you both happy. If he feels this strongly about it, he SHOULD get to make the decision because it's a gift from him. You should be able to trust him.

    I would rather wear no ring at all than a ring I bullied my DH into buying for me. I would never be able to look at it and know it came from his heart.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:dfbe7f76-d515-4a8b-a246-65a973a03200">Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My cousin got engaged recently which prompted discussion about weddings and naturally engagement rings yesterday at a family gathering. My boyfriend and I continued the conversation later on and he seems to have a very strange view regarding the ring. I know exactly what I would want and we have looked at styles many times together. However, after we look at them (talk about split personality) he says I should not be picking my ring because it is "a gift from him" and <strong>I should have no say in it  because it must be something HE likes, not something I like.</strong> He also thinks its "ridiculous" to spend the amount it would cost to purchase my ring even though he could COMFORTABLY afford something costing 3x the price. My take is that he thinks it will make him look like an idiot if he spends money on a piece of jewelery - but I dont know why he thinks this way. I love him and want to marry him and would rather NO ring than something I dont like and will not be comfortable wearing. Its not the money that is bothering me, as I would gladly accept anything if he had the view that this was the best he could afford and he would get me what I wanted if he could. It is the fact that it is important to me and because it isnt important to him, It doesnt matter. This is EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING!! I dont know how to get him to see that  if something is important to me, he has to respect that and should Want to give me what I want even if HE places little importance on it.
    Posted by stef0819[/QUOTE]

    Um, <em>what</em>?!?

    1) Yes, your ering is a gift from him and he should have the final say on it, if that's his wish. However, you should be able to give him a general style or shape that you like, and he should respect your tastes. Should he necessarily pick out the exact ring you want? No, not necessarily. Should he completely disregard your tastes and wishes? No, he shouldn't.

    You need to sit down and have a discussion about what's important to you and what you both want. Maybe he wants to feel like he picked out the ring, and you selecting a ring and him buying it doesn't meet that criteria for him. You guys should be able to strike some sort of compromise.

    On a personal note...I had a ring in mind that I wanted, and FI and I went to look at it. FI then took the style of ring I wanted, went to a private jeweler, and had them make a custom ring in a similar style without me knowing, only with a nicer diamond and higher quality gold than the one I had liked had. In the end, he picked out a ring that he had designed, but I liked the style of. Essentially, we're both a part of the ring. Perhaps that's the sort of sentiment you could bring up to your FI?

    2) As for the cost...believe me, there are a lot of people that look at spending a lot of money on a piece of jewelry as ridiculous. You both need to sit down and talk together about what a reasonable price to spend on a quality ring would be. Perhaps he doesn't want to go overboard on the ring because he's saving for other things (wedding, house, travel, etc.)? You won't know where he stands until you actually sit down and have that conversation with him.

    ps. Riddle me this, because it's the first thing that popped to mind when I read the bolded phrase...if he's willing to tell you that it's all about what he wants and not about you when it comes to a piece of jewelry that <em>you</em> will be wearing for the rest of your life, what else will he take that stance on - where you live? How you raise your children? Whether or not you have another child? etc.

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  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think it's a shame that you feel like your BF doesn't care about what you want.  I'm sure if you've discussed marriage and you're at the point where rings have been discussed then he cares about your feelings and what you want.  If not then get out of there quick!

    I'm also sure that when the time does come to get a ring he will take your opinions into consideration BUT he's right in a way...it is a gift from him so he can get what he likes.  For now I would just sit tight and enjoy the ride.  He will give you what he feels comfortable buying and until then you can offer suggestions but in the end it's his decision.

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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Agree with Narwhal. If you really want another ring, maybe you could get it as an anniversary gift later. But if you really want a piece of jewelry, buy it yourself. If you a life-long commitment with someone you love, wear whatever he buys, then get a wedding band you like and rock that out. I do think he should try to follow your taste as much as possible (not buy a bright yellow gold ring if you never wear yellow gold, etc) but you two just need to discuss that.
  • edited December 2011
    I agree with what Oceana said - I think it's ridiculous that he thinks it'd be perfectly okay to get you a ring that you hated just because HE liked it. Well he's not the one who will be wearing it and he should take in your opinions when picking a ring out so that you'll both be happy.
  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    Oceana I agree with you, I think he does want to feel as though he was the one who picked it out for me. We have looked at many styles of rings together and its not like I have said, `this is it- i want this one or none at all`. I just looked at the general style of ring I like. YES sapphire baby I AM WEARING IT , not him. I dont know why he thinks getting a nice ring is `giving in`or going to make him look bad. And as for the money issue, we have sat down and talked about a reasonable cost, and yes I think spending more than you can afford is stupid, however the ones which we have looked at are within the budget. Maybe he is just trying to stray me off path so I am surprised
  • edited December 2011
    I think that it is perfectly acceptable for him to want you to have no say and get it as a gift from him to you... I personally prefer it that way, but I'm not a big jewelry person and don't have strong opinions about these things as someone else might."

    HOWEVER, I think that the fact that he looked at rings with you then said that is odd.  He seems like he thought taking you was a good idea then you picked something that he didn't like for whatever reason and he changed his mind.

    Talk to him (CALMLY) about why he changed his mind about taking you to look at rings to you having no say and it being something that he likes.  Explain that you aren't "mad" that you just feel confused by his actions.  Tell him (and mean it) that you are okay with him picking it out as long as you can have a couple vetos... general things like no yellow gold and no heart shaped or princess cut stone etc.  Then tell him you trust that he will get something great that represents his love for you and you are looking forward to being surprised!


    As for the cost issue.  You should talk to him regarding this matter ASAP.  Money issues are the biggest concerns for couple.  Talk about why he wants to spend less... it could be something great like he wants to save for a house for your two or it could be something like a dirty little secret that he has a bunch of debt that you didn't know about or a gambling addiction. '

    Bottom line is...
    Y'all need to sit down and talk !!
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think it's just bad gift-giving if the giver doesn't give a crap about how the receiver will feel about the gift.

    Isn't the whole point to show consideration? Esp when it's something the receives will wear and look at every day?

    I think every couple gets to decide for themselves how they want to handle the engagement ring. The girl not having anything to do with the selection works for some people, but that doesn't mean that works for everyone.

    You both need to be willing to compromise to reach the middle ground. There is a solution out there that you can both live with. You just have to talk it out. It helps if you can both stay calm and just discuss WHY you feel the way you do. It sounds to me like you're maybe talking over each other instead of TO each other right now. 



  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    I actually disagree with people, you have to wear the ring, and if he can't figure out what you want to wear it seems you have a bigger problem.  The cost is totally up to him, but within the range he should chose something he knows you would like.

    My FI hates my ring, he keeps telling people he could have gotten a bigger one but that I wanted this one.  In the end he doesn't care because I love it, and thats part of being in a relationship, dealing with things that you disagree with.  

    He should make sure you like the ring he gets you, and if he won't, there seems to be a bigger problem
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:e6751cff-7e9b-4a1b-87d6-8ef85a189eb1">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE] He should make sure you like the ring he gets you, and if he won't, there seems to be a bigger problem
    Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

    Yes. Bigger problems on both sides. He should give her enough respect to pick out something she won't hate. SHe should give him enough respect that he is giving her a GIFT and should be able to choose it as well.

    What if, for some reason, he DOESN"T get you the ring you want. Do you want to leave him over not getting "your ring".

    The pendulum swings both ways.
  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:d8331bbc-0b96-404f-abd8-68bcd9aa528e">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE] What if, for some reason, he DOESN"T get you the ring you want. Do you want to leave him over not getting "your ring". The pendulum swings both ways.
    Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

    But why would he want her to have a gift she doesn't like? Just because you don't like the actual gift doesn't mean you don't appreciate the thought that went into the gift.
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ana - I agree with you. But, shouldn't he be able to pick out the ring he wants too? Maybe she will love it. My FI had 100% control over what ring he chose, but he also said that if I hated it we would go pick out a new one together. It was a risk we took.

    I'm just saying, if he loves her and he has already gone out to look at the rings she likes, I doubt he is going to deliberately chose one he knows she will dislike. I also think the OP is exaggerating her case a bit.

    Either way, I think the ring is being blown totally out of porportion. And since the ring is a gift, I do think that the guy, if he so desires, has the right to say he wants it to be a surprise and chose it., as he has been savings for it and is paying for it.
  • edited December 2011
    His gift? His choice. His money? His budget.

    Caveat: It concerns me that he thinks it's more important for HIM to like the ring than for you to like it.  I'd have serious concerns about being with someone with such clear disregard for my tastes and opinions.  While it IS his choice, he should have enough love and respect for you to try and get you something that BOTH of you like.
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:0ced957f-e2f1-4970-ac3c-c3401b1fb022">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]It concerns me that he thinks it's more important for HIM to like the ring than for you to like it.  I'd have serious concerns about being with someone with such clear disregard for my tastes and opinions.  While it IS his choice, he should have enough love and respect for you to try and get you something that BOTH of you like.
    Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

    This!! This is what I was trying to say, but once again Noelle puts it much more elegantly than I do. haha

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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:964c3ec0-0195-44be-827f-deae80652bb5">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ana - I agree with you. But, shouldn't he be able to pick out the ring he wants too? Maybe she will love it. My FI had 100% control over what ring he chose, but he also said that if I hated it we would go pick out a new one together. It was a risk we took. I'm just saying, if he loves her and he has already gone out to look at the rings she likes, I doubt he is going to deliberately chose one he knows she will dislike. I also think the OP is exaggerating her case a bit. Either way, I think the ring is being blown totally out of porportion. And since the ring is a gift, I do think that the guy, if he so desires, has the right to say he wants it to be a surprise and chose it., as he has been savings for it and is paying for it.
    Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

    Yes,  I agree with most this.  The wording of the OP just sounded like he wasn't considering her opinion at all.

    I guess I just don't think the engagement (or the ring) should be something only HE gets a say in.  I'm a big fan of having an equal say in all parts of our relationship.
  • LoveBugBabyLoveBugBaby member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    There's nothing wrong with discussing what you like with him, but I cannot figure out why so many girls want to pick out their rings specifically.  FI had always said he loved classic solitaires, and I always agreed with him but said I'd love a solitaire but with diamonds on the band as well.  The last time I even talked to him about rings was over 2 years ago.  When he finally proposed this past Fall (I had absolutely NO clue he was) it was the best surprise to see he actually listened to me and got me a beautiful ring that I LOVE.   I had nothing to do with picking it out and I think it made it more special to me that he took the time to pick the perfect one out on his OWN. It is a gift from him, so I don't think picking it out yourself really makes it a gift...  just my opinion, but trust him that he'll pick something out you'll love regardless.
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ana - I think we are on the same page.

    I just have a hard time believe that the OP and her BF have gone to look at rings "many times together" and he will disregard what she wants.

    I want to know if the bolded part is a DIRECT quote from her BF. Bc I think it's the OP blowing things out of proportion.

    "should not be picking my ring because it is "a gift from him" and I should have no say in it  because it must be something HE likes, not something I like"

    He may very well have said "the ring should be something I like" - which it should be something he likes as well.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:dfbe7f76-d515-4a8b-a246-65a973a03200">Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]My cousin got engaged recently which prompted discussion about weddings and naturally engagement rings yesterday at a family gathering. My boyfriend and I continued the conversation later on and he seems to have a very strange view regarding the ring. I know exactly what I would want and we have looked at styles many times together. However, after we look at them (talk about split personality) he says I should not be picking my ring because it is "a gift from him" and<strong> I should have no say in it  because it must be something HE likes, not something I like.</strong> He also thinks its "ridiculous" to spend the amount it would cost to purchase my ring e<strong>ven though he could COMFORTABLY afford something costing 3x the price. </strong>My take is that he thinks it will make him look like an idiot if he spends money on a piece of jewelery - but I dont know why he thinks this way. I love him and want to marry him and would rather NO ring than something I dont like and will not be comfortable wearing. Its not the money that is bothering me, as I would gladly accept anything if he had the view that this was the best he could afford and he would get me what I wanted if he could. It is the fact that it is important to me and because it isnt important to him, It doesnt matter. This is EXTREMELY FRUSTRATING!! I dont know how to get him to see that  if something is important to me, he has to respect that and should Want to give me what I want even if HE places little importance on it.
    Posted by stef0819[/QUOTE]

    It is a gift from him, but you should point out to him that when we buy people gifts we aren't getting for ourselves. You don't buy him a Christmas present you would like, you get something you know he will love.

    As for the price, you don't get a say in that. He gets to spend whatever he wants (high or low) and you get to be excited because took the time to pick out a beautiful ring to give to you.

    Its possible he will still get you a ring that you like and you may not even think its something you want until he gives it to you. The ring isn't the most important part of the proposal its the promise and love that comes with it. Be willing to keep an open mind...I think you sound like all you care about is the ring, its just a piece of jewelry. Do you really think he will pick something so horrible you couldn't stand to wear it even though you know what it symbolizes?
  • edited December 2011
    Is there any chance he was kidding around? As in, in order to keep you from staring at engagement rings online 24/7 he made a comment about how he wants to pick it out and he can handle it? Obviously, I wasn't there, but think back to his tone of voice before you freak out.

    Before we got engaged, my Fiance used to tell me he wanted to pick it out all by himself (side note: he has bought me a lot of jewelry in the past, all of which I loved). He looked and looked for months before coming right out and saying "I have no idea what to pick. Nothing looks good enough or pretty enough. You do it."

    Which was fine. And yet, totally stressful because all of a sudden, everything I thought I liked I was second guessing! And I wished he had just picked something, anything out so I could stop going to jewelry stores and getting flustered and annoyed by sales people.

    So, maybe you're just freaking out (a little bit) and he didn't mean it the way he sounded. Or maybe, once he actually does start the hunt he'll realize that doing this "ALL BY HIMSELF" is not the way to go and it's actually a lot harder than he thought it was.

    Either way, good luck!
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  • Ana_2985Ana_2985 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:4e500623-53c3-4d82-84d0-ca841204b10c">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]There's nothing wrong with discussing what you like with him, but I cannot figure out why so many girls want to pick out their rings specifically.  FI had always said he loved classic solitaires, and I always agreed with him but said I'd love a solitaire but with diamonds on the band as well.  The last time I even talked to him about rings was over 2 years ago.  When he finally proposed this past Fall (I had absolutely NO clue he was) it was the best surprise to see he actually listened to me and got me a beautiful ring that I LOVE.   I had nothing to do with picking it out and I think it made it more special to me that he took the time to pick the perfect one out on his OWN. It is a gift from him, so I don't think picking it out yourself really makes it a gift...  just my opinion, but trust him that he'll pick something out you'll love regardless.
    Posted by LindsyLove[/QUOTE]

    So all gifts need to be surprises?  I've never heard that before.

    I don't understand why so many people care about what other people are doing.  It's okay to be different.  Just because something worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everything.  There doesn't have to be a right way and a wrong way, as long as both people in the relationship agree on it.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:4e500623-53c3-4d82-84d0-ca841204b10c">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]There's nothing wrong with discussing what you like with him, <strong>but I cannot figure out why so many girls want to pick out their rings specifically.</strong>  FI had always said he loved classic solitaires, and I always agreed with him but said I'd love a solitaire but with diamonds on the band as well.  The last time I even talked to him about rings was over 2 years ago.  When he finally proposed this past Fall (I had absolutely NO clue he was) it was the best surprise to see he actually listened to me and got me a beautiful ring that I LOVE.   I had nothing to do with picking it out and I think it made it more special to me that he took the time to pick the perfect one out on his OWN. It is a gift from him, so I don't think picking it out yourself really makes it a gift...  just my opinion, but trust him that he'll pick something out you'll love regardless.
    Posted by LindsyLove[/QUOTE]

    Because I'm the one who has to wear it - it's the same reason I don't like getting clothes or shoes as gifts. Just because I like a certain style doesn't mean I like everything that is made in that style. Does that make any sense?
  • edited December 2011
    I don't know what the whole conversation was, but it just sounds like one of those stupid things people say that they don't really mean the way it sounds.

    You have showed him what you like. Let him go from there. FI did the same thing with me (although he didn't say it would be something he likes and not me). We looked and looked and looked all over the place at settings and stones and everything.

    Then, he told me to let him choose by himself.

    The ring he got me isn't what I expected, but he did a great job and I DO love it.

    You've given him the information he needs to choose something for you. Let him do it. I really don't think he MEANT that he won't take your taste into account. If he did, that's just a whole other problem. But the fact that he already HAS your input tells me he's concerned about it.

    Of course, I don't think what the ring costs is any of your business unless you're sharing a bank account. If you don't have a joint account, then you really can't dictate what he should and shouldn't be comfortable spending. I mean, what are we talking here? $60? $600? $6,000? My ring was just under $1,000 and it's not about to just fall apart or anything, and it certainly doesn't look cheap.
  • edited December 2011
    My BF has similar views. He told me that he wants to pick out the ring himself without any help from me. At first, I was kind of put off by this but for me, I think it was more of a control thing. When discussed it more, he explained about wanting to really surprise me and that I should trust him to know me well enough to know what I like. Then he said if he picked something that I really didn't like, we would go shopping together to exchange it (after he propsed). However, I really think that I would love anything he picked out for me since I know he has been doing a lot of research and putting a lot of thought into it.

    Do you think your BF would be willing to have the same idea on if you really don't like the ring, to go shopping together after the proposal? It might be a good compromise for you guys.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_engagement-ring-disagreement-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1f52a315-318e-4fb1-a2fc-3ad38241545dPost:fd2df2cb-bf5c-4f87-a12b-d1545ccaf494">Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Engagement Ring Disagreement- very long : So all gifts need to be surprises?  I've never heard that before. I don't understand why so many people care about what other people are doing.  It's okay to be different.  Just because something worked for you doesn't mean it will work for everything.  There doesn't have to be a right way and a wrong way, as long as both people in the relationship agree on it.
    Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

     Your right - every couple is different.  It so happened my fiance wanted to look at rings with me.  We took the easy way and went on blue nile...he just wanted to make sure I was happy.  A suprise would have been nice and I trusted his taste, but in the long run it made him feel less stressed about buying a big purchase.
  • edited December 2011
    It is about mutual respect.

    Does he respect you enough to pick out a ring he thinks you will love?
    Do you respect him enough to trust his instincts? 

    I think that a red flag comes up when a couple cannot compromise about purchasing a ring.  At the end of the day, it IS a piece of jewelry.  There will be many decisions that will need to be made throughout the course of a marriage.  And most of them are more important than an engagement ring.  It is about give and take.  Sometimes you need to give more, sometimes you need to take more.  The trick is figuring out what battles are important to you and what battles are important to your spouse.   
  • klm03013klm03013 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This happened to a friend of mine. Turns out he went out and got the exact ring she wanted and was trying to throw her off the trail so she would be even more surprised and happy when she got it. Maybe he is doing the same thing with you?
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