Not Engaged Yet

N(my)WR: Hurt feelings

Maybe you ladies might understand this, and I just want opinions, really. I know that it's a silly thing to fret over, but it has kind of been bugging me. Sorry it's so long!

I have been friends with a guy named Michael for going on 7 years now. We met through a church group (ugh) and spent years in the same town, hanging out, ya know. Friend stuff. I wrote him letters every day when he was in boot camp, we are very similar people, and we have leaned on each other for a long time when we've had life problems. We've never been involved with each other, always been friends with each others SO, it's a rare but truly JUST a friendship. Of course, as people begin to grow up and move, you lose contact, right? Over the last 3 years we have called and texted each other maybe once a month, kept up with what we were doing, and still confided major problems with each other. Drifting apart was both of our faults, and I am in no way angry about it.

I've been married and divorced. Even though I knew he couldn't come, I invited him, obviously as an extension of friendship. When finally left abusive ex, he listened to me on the phone for hours and gave advice. I've met his FI, we've had some good conversations, and never once has Michael said 'My FI is jealous, unsure, not cool with it, WHATEVER, we probably shouldn't talk' or anything of that nature. I a hundred and ten percent would have been okay with that.

NOW. Buildup over. They've been engaged, this I have known. They are getting married next month and not once has Michael mentioned it to me. I do not know if this is because they had planned on not inviting me and he didn't want my feelings to get hurt, or he's trying to put distance between us because he's getting married and I'm a girl, I'm just not really sure. It's a silly thing to worry over, and I'm still wondering if I should maybe call him on wedding day and say 'Hey, good luck, congrats' because I truly mean it, or if this would just make him feel bad for whatever reason. I've way overthought this and my BF has told me many times to just let it go. It's not gnawing at me, it's not keeping me up at night, I'm just wondering. Am I right to have my feelings a little hurt by someone I thought, even after drifting, was still a pretty good friend? Or is my definition of friend too loose now?
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Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings

  • In Response to Re:NmyWR: Hurt feelings:[QUOTE]Maybe you ladies might understand this, and I just want opinions, really. I know that it's a silly thing to fret over, but it has kind of been bugging me. Sorry it's so long!I have been friends with a guy named Michael for going on 7 years now. We met through a church group ugh and spent years in the same town, hanging out, ya know. Friend stuff. I wrote him letters every day when he was in boot camp, we are very similar people, and we have leaned on each other for a long time when we've had life problems. We've never been involved with each other, always been friends with each others SO, it's a rare but truly JUST a friendship. Of course, as people begin to grow up and move, you lose contact, right? Over the last 3 years we have called and texted each other maybe once a month, kept up with what we were doing, and still confided major problems with each other. Drifting apart was both of our faults, and I am in no way angry about it.I've been married and divorced. Even though I knew he couldn't come, I invited him, obviously as an extension of friendship. When finally left abusive ex, he listened to me on the phone for hours and gave advice. I've met his FI, we've had some good conversations, and never once has Michael said 'My FI is jealous, unsure, not cool with it, WHATEVER, we probably shouldn't talk' or anything of that nature. I a hundred and ten percent would have been okay with that.NOW. Buildup over. They've been engaged, this I have known. They are getting married next month and not once has Michael mentioned it to me. I do not know if this is because they had planned on not inviting me and he didn't want my feelings to get hurt, or he's trying to put distance between us because he's getting married and I'm a girl, I'm just not really sure. It's a silly thing to worry over, and I'm still wondering if I should maybe call him on wedding day and say 'Hey, good luck, congrats' because I truly mean it, or if this would just make him feel bad for whatever reason. I've way overthought this and my BF has told me many times to just let it go. It's not gnawing at me, it's not keeping me up at night, I'm just wondering. Am I right to have my feelings a little hurt by someone I thought, even after drifting, was still a pretty good friend? Or is my definition of friend too loose now? Posted by kmbryant2413[/QUOTE]

    There could be many reasons why you weren't invited to the wedding. As you probably know, tough decisions have to be made about the guest list.

    I'd stop worrying about it. it's ok to feel a little hurt by not being invited, but there have to be better things for you to think about. Call him on his wedding day and wish him good luck and much happiness.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:99e83991-a664-4172-91a5-1c76178fbc5d">Re:NmyWR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:NmyWR: Hurt feelings: There could be many reasons why you weren't invited to the wedding. As you probably know, tough decisions have to be made about the guest list. I'd stop worrying about it. it's ok to feel a little hurt by not being invited, but there have to be better things for you to think about. Call him on his wedding day and wish him good luck and much happiness.
    Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks, and I know all about guest list restrictions. Haha. Thank you for the advice!</div>
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  • I agree with the PP, it may be a guest list issue, so no worries.

    It's better that it happened that way, then how it happened to me.

    co-worker: oh I'm getting engaged, you're invited, want to help me with wedding invites?
    Me: sure!  (mind you, I'll give my last dollar to a friend if they need it, and she knows it)
    co-worker: oh sorry, I can't invite you but thanks for helping me with everything but if someone doesn't rsvp, I'll let you know and you can come then
    Me: thanks but no thanks?

    I really didn't know how to respond any other way.

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • Ditto what Tiger said,. Try not to dwell on it and call him to wish him a happy wedding day and marriage. It will show you're a good friend, and if he doesn't acknowledge you for it well IMO it's better off you know what kind of person he is instead of wondering if he is a good friend or not.

    Buddy, wow, that is so messed up. It's extremely rude to go back on an invitation even if it's just a verbal one.
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  • Thank you buddy and steign, I appreciate it. I'll call him next month, and in the mean time just call to catch up again. Thanks guys!

    Buddy - That's super fudged up. Eff that noise, I would have pooped on her desk. Then again, I'm Irish and a little brash. >.>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:4b4007a6-956f-48b5-917c-0c8a3af713e4">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ditto what Tiger said,. Try not to dwell on it and call him to wish him a happy wedding day and marriage. It will show you're a good friend, and if he doesn't acknowledge you for it well IMO it's better off you know what kind of person he is instead of wondering if he is a good friend or not. Buddy, wow, that is so messed up. It's extremely rude to go back on an invitation even if it's just a verbal one.
    Posted by steign[/QUOTE]

    Oh trust me I know.  The other day my friend told her she got engaged my co worker goes "oh are we invited to the wedding?"  My friend goes "nope" and the look on her face was amazing.

    I really wish I participated on this board earlier in life because I've been the brunt of many etiquette snafus.  My favorite was being de-bridesmaided because the groom said I was too fat.  That felt AMAZING!

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • I agree with the PPs. It's ok to feel a little hurt but there could be any number of reasons why you weren't invited - maybe they are having a really small wedding.

    I think it's a little weird to call him on his wedding day. I think a congrats call afterwards would be better.


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:726350f1-4e0b-4c1a-849e-b4c60a786287">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with the PPs. It's ok to feel a little hurt but there could be any number of reasons why you weren't invited - maybe they are having a really small wedding.<strong> I think it's a little weird to call him on his wedding day. I think a congrats call afterwards would be better.</strong>
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think I will do this instead, you're right. I hardly answered the phone my wedding day (I was far too busy!) and since we have drifted, it would just be better. Or maybe a good luck the day before. I'll leave that day to them. Thank you! :)</div>
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:fb0348e4-da0e-4ed7-8295-d937108394db">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : Oh trust me I know.  The other day my friend told her she got engaged my co worker goes "oh are we invited to the wedding?"  My friend goes "nope" and the look on her face was amazing. I really wish I participated on this board earlier in life because I've been the brunt of many etiquette snafus.<strong>  My favorite was being de-bridesmaided because the groom said I was too fat. </strong> That felt AMAZING!
    Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

    WTF?! That is horrible! What a jerk!


  • I also didn't want to put this in etiquette because I lurk that board and them bitches be mean sometimes. I didn't need people yelling at me when it's clear my feelings were only a little hurt. So thanks for letting me rant and giving advice. I feel much better :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:8b66b62b-41f8-4964-b66c-fc7229538028">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : WTF?! That is horrible! What a jerk!
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    Yeah he's an awesome H.  I haven't seen her since she got married.  He likes to keep her under control.  But hey, if that's happiness to her then cheers!

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • kmbryant2413kmbryant2413 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:1342853c-1526-4563-9783-1535a121248f">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : Yeah he's an awesome H.  I haven't seen her since she got married.  He likes to keep her under control.  <strong>But hey, if that's happiness to her then cheers!</strong>
    Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is how I feel about half of the BSC brides on the other TK boards. Someone else has to deal with them for the rest of their lives. Hooray! Lol</div><div>
    </div><div>edit: clarity</div>
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  • OMG Buddy that is so awful!!! I don't get how people can be so mean and rude.

    It sucks to not be invited, PP's gave good advice.  I would just call to congratulate him a few days after.

    Anniversary

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:455e5e5f-9d93-43ef-b370-af058b24840a">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]OMG Buddy that is so awful!!! I don't get how people can be so mean and rude. It sucks to not be invited, PP's gave good advice.  I would just call to congratulate him a few days after.
    Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

    Also, I forgot to add he picked all the bridesmaids (it was his friend's wives).  They were all literally Brazillian models so even if I weighed 102 on my 5'11" frame, I'd still look fat compared to them. 

    Yes, she had bridesmaids shd didn't even know. 

    In regards to the OP, in addition to calling him, I don't know if this is etiquette appropriate, but also send a card to both of them. 

     Wedding Countdown Ticker




    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:fb0348e4-da0e-4ed7-8295-d937108394db">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : Oh trust me I know.  The other day my friend told her she got engaged my co worker goes "oh are we invited to the wedding?"  My friend goes "nope" and the look on her face was amazing<strong>. I really wish I participated on this board earlier in life because I've been the brunt of many etiquette snafus.  My favorite was being de-bridesmaided because the groom said I was too fat.  That felt AMAZING!</strong>
    Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

    Same here. I realize now after being in 2 different weddings how much I was taken advantage of. I was also assigned "duties" as a MOH and paid hundreds of dollars for shoes, getting my hair/makeup done, etc. because it was "required".

    I want to bunch this guy in the face. That is just so effed up.
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  • Wow, Buddy, that's ridiculous.

    (I have nothing to add to the OP, so I'm just going to derail this further, sorry KMB)

    I once knew a girl who came in to get a dress with her then FI.  It turned out that they had signed a pre-nup saying that if she ever gained weight, it was grounds for divorce, and it was her fault.  WTF?  Indeed.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:52930030-8cc4-440f-b1b3-f7a88343c977">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow, Buddy, that's ridiculous. (I have nothing to add to the OP, so I'm just going to derail this further, sorry KMB) I once knew a girl who came in to get a dress with her then FI.  It turned out that they had signed a pre-nup saying that if she ever gained weight, it was grounds for divorce, and it was her fault.  WTF?  Indeed.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    This sounds like major control issues.  The guy was probably disgusting looking.

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:c9e79b7d-a846-42b3-ac02-359b1b808572">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : Also, I forgot to add he picked all the bridesmaids (it was his friend's wives).  They were all literally Brazillian models so even if I weighed 102 on my 5'11" frame, I'd still look fat compared to them.  Yes, she had bridesmaids shd didn't even know.  In regards to the OP, in addition to calling him, I don't know if this is etiquette appropriate, but also send a card to both of them. 
    Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

    I know it's a little off-topic, but I have to hear more about this. Is this guy crazy controlling? No way in hell my H would have picked my BMs.

    OP, tell me if I'm wrong, but I read more that just some slightly hurt feelings at not being invited. Do you feel like he's become less of a friend since being engaged? I really hope it isn't so, but there are some men (and some men's wives) who have problems with female friends. Definitely at least try to stay in contact like you usually do and send a nice card.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:0d3c927f-ea96-4308-b85f-c84d419307fc">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : This sounds like major control issues.  The guy was probably disgusting looking.
    Posted by buddysmom80[/QUOTE]

    <div>Nope.  From what I remember, he was relatively attractive.  Not my type, but not completely unfortunate looking.</div>
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  • Wow it's sad that there are woment who will tolerate that kind of BS from a guy.  I know I couldn't.

    Anniversary

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:efa794b2-c9da-40a0-85ff-a0df3de646bb">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings : I know it's a little off-topic, but I have to hear more about this. Is this guy crazy controlling? No way in hell my H would have picked my BMs. OP, tell me if I'm wrong, but I read more that just some slightly hurt feelings at not being invited. Do you feel like he's become less of a friend since being engaged? I really hope it isn't so, but there are some men (and some men's wives) who have problems with female friends. Definitely at least try to stay in contact like you usually do and send a nice card.
    Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

    <div>No, not since he's been engaged. The last time he was in town he went well out of his way to make sure that I met his FI and we all get along splendidly. Boy do I ever understand that some men (and their wives) that have issues with opposite sex friends. I do miss being closer friends with him, but at this point I think it's more curiosity at why he hasn't even SAID anything to me rather than me being butthurt about not being invited. Yeah. I would label it now as curiosity, but it won't put a damper on our friendship at all. I'm going to give him a call today (we've just texted a few times the past month) and actually talk to him, maybe he'll bring it up on his own? Who knows :)</div><div>
    </div><div>I feel much better now, ladies. Thank you. Carry on with the off topic :)</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:efa794b2-c9da-40a0-85ff-a0df3de646bb">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings :<strong> I know it's a little off-topic, but I have to hear more about this. Is this guy crazy controlling?</strong> No way in hell my H would have picked my BMs. OP, tell me if I'm wrong, but I read more that just some slightly hurt feelings at not being invited. Do you feel like he's become less of a friend since being engaged? I really hope it isn't so, but there are some men (and some men's wives) who have problems with female friends. Definitely at least try to stay in contact like you usually do and send a nice card.
    Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

    The guy was majorly over controlling.  They met on myspace, and hung out a few times.  One night (maybe like their third date) we all went out together and she and I were talking to a (male) friend of ours.  He completely flipped on her and was like "DON'T EVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN!"

    After that, he wouldn't let her hang out together and we used to hang out every night after I'd get out of work (at a bar, but whatever it's besides the point).  The only time we hung out was when he went to Reno to see his daughter.

    They moved in with her parents for a while and the fights were so bad her step father gave them $20,000 towards a new house.  They bought the house (he picked it) and the house is definetly all his design.  My friend likes the whole damask look, and he liked the industrial look so it looks very loft-like.

    When she got engaged she was like "you're definetly going to be my BM".  We were friends since HS.  When she told him, he was like "oh no, all my GM's wives are going to be in the wedding and she doesn't have the same figure" my friend goes "wtf is that suppossed to mean?"  He said to her "she's too fat".  A little blunt, but he got his point across.

    Anywho, after the wedding, she sent me this BSC thank you note saying that even though I wasn't in the wedding, I should've assumed the roles of a bridesmaid and I used her for open bar and appetizers. 

    I haven't heard from her since.

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • How horrible! What she did to you was bad, but I feel like there's some Stockholm syndrome going there, too.
  • Bitches be cray.
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  • buddysmom80buddysmom80 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_nmywr-hurt-feelings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:26c0521a-821a-41c6-9870-b47ec1fd8489Post:b2815709-a6a1-4a1f-bfdf-3fa3ed8f3e59">Re: N(my)WR: Hurt feelings</a>:
    [QUOTE]How horrible! What she did to you was bad, but I feel like there's some Stockholm syndrome going there, too.
    Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

    Yeah the thank you note came out of nowhere. 

    Looking back, I was in a really crappy relationship and had no self confidence and was like "Oh her F is right, I am too fat to be standing up there".  If she did this now I'd be like "bltch you cray"

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    image 59 Invited
    image 36 Yes
    image 2 No
    image 21 Unknown
  • In case anyone comes back to this, my update:

    Michael called me this weekend profusely apologizing that he forgot to send me an invite, and that there was a big mess up with the invites themselves so they only went out a few weeks ago. He invited SO and I, and we got to have a good long talk and catch up.

    So all in all, I'm satisfied and now feel silly for being as upset as I was over the whole mess. Thank you for your help ladies!! :)
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    'Next time, just fart.' - BriSox81
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