Best friend is about to get engaged to psycho - Help

SonaliPop

My best friend *Chrissie has been with her boyfriend for 5 years. Through the process of those 5 years, he has transformed from being a decent guy, to an awful person. All of our friends have been worried that they will carry out their plans of getting engaged but we want to support her.

To give a little example...
On New Years Eve, we all made plans to go out to dinner and hit a few bars and keep the evening low key. He knew we were going and came with us. He proceeded to text her the whole evening from across the table trying to get her to leave. They never go out with her friends, who he never wants to meet or talk to, and she really wanted to stay. The evening ended with him storming out of the restaurant because he wanted to go and play video games (this guy is 26) and he wanted her to break her plans with all of us for the evening and go home with him. Since she didn't want to, he decided he was going to leave her there. They live 2 hours away and he sped off in the parking lot. The rest of us consoled her (understandably, I'd rather be there for her than focus on getting wasted like everybody does every year) for the rest of the night. The next day, I drove her to his condo where her car was. He didn't even come out to see her or apologize. Since then, he insists she is the one who is wrong for not wanting to leave and for not telling him that about the plans for the evening - she told him about it weeks prior and he agreed to it. I could not believe that he left her there, stranded. No one who loves you does that and never apologizes.

He tells her she's fat, controls where she goes and who she is with, and becomes enraged when any one other than him is in the picture. Her family is in very bad shape financially and he constantly tells her she is going to be nothing like they are and that she will never make anything of herself.

He exhibits a lot of controlling and jealous behavior and puts her down in every way possible. I love my friend and am worried that his abuse may become more than just mental and emotional, which are bad enough.

Often times, I ask her if she wants to be with him any more or if she loves him or loves the person he used to be when we were in college, but she never answers...and week after week, hints of an engagement are slipped into every conversation.

I want nothing than for her to be happy with the guy who deserves her, and am scared of what will happen to her. Does anyone have tips for me? I don't want to sit there and bash her partner because I know that won't do anything but make her feel awful about herself. I want to support her, I just don't know the right way to do it. Some of our friends have (seriously) staged an intervention when he has gone off on these anger binges and she always seems like she's ready to come out of it. He constantly tells her about the other women who want him and I try to explain to her that the right guy wouldn't even relay those conversations to her.

All advice is necessary. I want her to feel supported, not badgered and judged by us. I think she is caught between what to do and is scared of having to make decisions. We are all worried for her.

SonaliPop

Er, I meant, ...all advice is APPRECIATED

katanne9

What happens post-intervention when she seems ready to leave him?

SonaliPop

Something or the other has always changed every time she has decided to move on. She decides she needs to stay.

I have never met anybody like him. Every time we are together, he criticizes the way she speaks, her clothes, her looks, everything. I don't know why he is with her unless it is to put her down. I don't understand. It has been a long time since he has done anything loving for her.

Every time he does something enormous she decides to stay and never really gives anyone a straight answer as to why. We all ask her but we leave it alone after a while...I can't imagine how she might feel and I don't want to push her away by making her feel we don't support her.

PaigeMcC

Wow, this is a whole lot of...not goodness.  Okay here's what I've got...

It seems like you've tried to have conversations with her, and feel like at times your succeeding BUT then it turns around on you.  She gets back with him and the cycle starts again - this is what it is, a toxic cycle. 

The only way to help her in this situation is to be honest, not the type of brutal honesty that can seriously hurt or make her feel that you're judging her but the type of honesty that can help her see what you all see.  Make sure she knows that you are not trying to judge her, because the last thing someone needs in a toxic relationship is to be judged by people they love.

When you're talking to her I would use specific examples, like the ones you mentioned here, to illustrate what you see happening.  Remember it's her relationship and in a lot of relationships we see sunshine and rainbows while others see storm clouds.  Try to show her how you see it, how you see her hurting and, as I mentioned before, let her know that you're not judging you just want her to know you're there to help, you support her and you love her.  She might be resistant to this - she's been with this boy (no, he's not a man from what I gather) for 5 years of her life.  That's a long time! And although you may see the bad, she's in love or was in love and that's hard to break.

Remember she may not be open to discussing this but be persistent.  Don't shove it down her throat, let her do the talking.  The key to really making her understand what you're seeing and how you see it affecting her is to get her to talk it to - to see it for herself.  Remind her that she can make her own decisions on who she sees, where she goes and what she does.  Relationships are partnerships, not dictatorships. 

In the end it's really her choice what she does and like it or not sometimes the people we love make bad choices.  Be there for her and be supportive of her.  Let her know how you feel but don't let it be one-sided.  Get a dialogue going and hopefully, although it may take time, you can let her see what you see and get her on the right path to moving on with her life.

Good luck.

PaigeMcC

PS: This guy sounds like a d!ck.  I think he should come hang out with me for a day - we'll see who is calling the shots by the end of that day.

bajediva

I am in a similar position with a best friend of mine. We talk about his awfulness, she agrees it's unhealthy and she needs to leave. Then. She stays. Sometimes she gives a reason, sometimes she doesn't. Now she's preggers.

I love her. But at this point, it is clear to me that while he is a problem, *she* herself is the bigger problem - psychos abound, and once a psycho's nature is revealed, it's up to *you* to do what you need to do to get and keep them out of your life.

I'm all talked out. I too have wondered how to keep the balance between supporting her and pushing her away with how I feel about the situation. I now offer no unsolicited advice, and if I have already stated my position on something she asks, I say 'you already know how I feel about that'. In general, I encourage activities and perspectives that I know will build a more positive self-image for herself, and I no longer talk about him. She's a grown @ss woman, and living my own life is hard enough as it is. I have to accept that nothing will change for her until she is ready to make that change. She knows that I will be here for her when she is.

SonaliPop

Thanks for the help, girls...I will let her do the talking and I won't try to shove it down her throat. It's really hard not to when she is calling me crying so much that she can hardly speak and I need to tell her she needs to just breathe for a few minutes and have a glass of water.

Some of our friends don't talk to him any more and have not for a while. Somehow, after all of these situations, she somehow either believes that it WAS her fault or just lets go of the fact that he has not apologized. If my FH left me in a parking lot on New Years Eve because he was angry that I didn't want to drop everything and let him go play video games with his friend, that would be it.

My Mom has told her very honestly that this sounds like it could get physically abusive soon. We have had family members go through this who have had awful situations with their husbands (now former husbands) and they have had to deal with almost dying before coming to grips with the situation.

I think she isn't leaving him because deep down, she has begun to believe those things he tells her are true. That she won't ever be anything, that she's too fat, she needs new clothes, etc...AKA, no one else will want her.

She is in my bridal party and I know that when it is her turn to get married, I want to be there to support her, but I can't imagine what her future holds with him and what else he may do to her and never feel sorry for. Some of our friends have said they would never stand up in her wedding if she married him.

SonaliPop

Bajediva - you're right. Sometimes, you need to let go and even in the most severe of situations when everybody is trying to shed light on the situation, it is up the person who is in the relationship to realize it for herself. I am just worried about what may happen. I hope your friend works it out and sees that she's worthy of a good person, and that her man is a better father to their child than he is a partner to her.

PaigeMcC

I just showed BF some of this thread and his response was
"Tell him to come visit me.  I'll show him how it feels when you treat someone like that"

BF is 6'5" 250lbs so I think bootcamp with him would be a good (for us/hazardous for him) idea:)

I'm just sayin'...

Ana_2985

I disagree with some of the advice given.

I was in your friend's situation.  I stayed because by the time I realized what was going on I was too scared and embarrassed  to do anything about it.  People like him make it so you feel completely isolated and dependent on them.

I wish I had had friends to tell me that the situation was out of control and that I didn't deserve to be treated that way.  I wish someone had been there to help me figure out how to get myself safely out of the relationship.

You should talk to your friend.  Yes, it will be hard.   Yes, there's a chance she will stay with him and distance herself from you even more.  But IMO it's better to do everything you can to help her than to just sit by and watch.  If it's really as bad as you say it, your friend will realizel sooner or later how much you cared about her.

Good luck to you and your friend.

SonaliPop

I do talk to my friend. Frequently. I don't leave her alone with the situation and talk to her about it.

noelle24

This situation needs to be addressed NOW.  He is ABUSIVE.  Full stop.  It doesn't matter one iota that it hasn't turned physical yet (that you know of).  Sometimes emotional abuse is much harder to recover from.  Your body will heal itself much faster than your self-esteem will.

I *highly* recommend that you research local organizations for women in abusive relationships, and then ask them what is the best course of action for your friend.  Talk to EXPERTS about this, not just an online wedding forum. 

I wish you and your friend all the best.  She deserves so much better than this.

katanne9

You can support your friend WITHOUT supporting this relationship. You need to 100% make her full-aware of her own backtracking. Maybe she's embarassed, maybe she's unaware. But don't be afraid to be completely honest with her - this is a dangerous relationship, and she may not realize that yet.

And ditto Noelle. I would recommend contacting counselors for abused women. This IS abuse.

bethsmiles

That is an abusive relationship. Noelle is 100% right about talking to experts. This could very easily (if it hasn't already) escalate to physical abuse. His power over her is his ability to make her feel alone in the world like she NEEDS him because there is no one else who will help her. Stand by your friend without supporting the relationship. Be honest with her and get her some help she will need it. Its so much harder than people think to get out of an abusive relationship.

SassyBrass

I agree  about finding the local resources of professionals. There's a lot of them out there, and people don't know it.
Abusive or not, sometimes it's hard to picture life without something that's been there for so long. Maybe she isn't happy, but 5 years of a relationship, it's not easy to remember a time without it. The thing to let her know is that it's going to be okay if he's not in the picture. Nobody in a relationship should have to feel like this. Sure, arguments happen in every relationship, but she needs to know the difference between that and what her relationship is.
Not only that, it never hurts to boost your friend's esteem level by saying the opposite of him. Compliment her before he can put her down. And if he does it anyway, speak up against him. Let HIM know it's not okay either. Maybe he'll start to get that he doesn't treat his girlfriend that way.
Sometimes you have to risk her not agreeing with what you say, but know it's for her ultimate good.
When I was in early high school and old friend of ours was living in a very unstable situation at home. After seeing enough, a couple of friends and I called CPS. It took a lot since we knew we'd never be as close friends, but she's alive today, so I'm okay with that. I know you don't want to lose your friend, you just have to let her know that there is a way for her to be happy again.

SonaliPop

Every time he and I are near eachother, we are civil - not friendly. When he makes awful comments, I always make a biting comment in response. I know it kills her that we can't get along and I try to be a good friend by inviting him places and including him, but she doesn't even mention the outings to him because she doesn't want grief from him about them. But I tell him when it's time to shove it in the nicest, most diplomatic way possible.

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_friend-engaged-psycho?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2ae2930a-5137-4e28-bb5a-3d4cec77a1d5Post:c98d0722-2e6d-4832-8720-41f29cebf313">Re: Best friend is about to get engaged to psycho - Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Every time he and I are near eachother, we are civil - not friendly. When he makes awful comments, I always make a biting comment in response. I know it kills her that we can't get along and I try to be a good friend by inviting him places and including him, but she doesn't even mention the outings to him because she doesn't want grief from him about them. But I tell him when it's time to shove it in the nicest, most diplomatic way possible.
Posted by SonaliPop[/QUOTE]

I would be very careful about what you say to him.  If you make it clear to him that you don't like him and don't want your friend to be with him, he is going to do everything he can to keep you and your friend apart.  And then there's very little you can do to help her.

SonaliPop

It's nothing awful. I just use my tone carefully and change the subject, distract the conversation, move on. It isn't unless he is awful that I say something, and that's rare...I am not out to upset anybody. Especially knowing he may take it out on her.

kellylove22

My best friend was in a situation like this for almost 9 years. 9! I can't tell you how many of her friends tried to talk to her, beg her to leave him, yell at her, cry, etc. I think every good/bad thing a friend could try in this situation was tried. Nothing convinced her to leave until he gave her HPV (she never had another sexual partner besides him). She was actually very calm about it, but he claimed she was the one who had contracted it and accused her of cheating (all the while calling her fat/ugly etc). At some point, something finally clicked. She had enough. And believe it or not, this was the rare point where none of us said anything to her. She broke up with him, and he turned into this desperate crying baby. He told her he cheated on her 6 times in those 9 years and begged her to forgive him. Thankfully she didn't and now she's having more fun than she had in all of those years.

It was so hard being her friend for all of this time and hearing the things he'd say about her, her always flaking on me because of him making her leave, etc, but I tried to just listen to her and tell her that she did have value as a person, and that if she ever did want to leave him that she would never be alone. I tried so many times to make her see (and sometimes I even stood up to her bf on her part--that did NOT go over well), and none of the things I tried was working, so I told myself that this was just something she had to do for herself. It's hard to sit back and let her stay with someone who makes her feel so horrible, but sometimes all you can do is be there for her when she needs you.