To wait, or not to wait...

bakes218

My BF and I have been talking about the future a lot. Basically we see ourselves getting engaged in the next 6 months and married in the next year after that, give or take. That would put a wedding about May or June of 2011. We just found out that BF's Brother will be deploying in 6 months and we are not sure when he will be back. BF wants to wait till he gets back to get married. With not even knowing when he will be back, this would mean we couldn't really plan much and would be just waiting. Wedding may  not be until January 2012 or later. I think we should get married before he goes. That would be this September or October. BF is apprehensive and thinks that is rushed. I know how important it is for him to have his brother there but I still think we should do it before he goes.

Any advice?

Narwhal

If your boyfriend thinks that it's too soon, it's too soon.  It kind of sucks, but he has to be 100% for it.

KD+BC

I agree with Narwhal. If he had already proposed and you were discussing a really short engagement, that would be one thing. Since he hasn't even proposed yet, he might feel like you are just trying to speed things up. It sucks but you will most likely have to wait until your bf's brother is back.

zaneopal

I agree with Narwhal. You both have to be in it, and if he feels getting married in September is too soon, you should respect that.

I'm not too sure how this all works, but I do know that my good friend's fiance was able to get a reasonably long leave (about a month) from his tour of duty...I think he'd been on duty for at least 6 months at the time.

Would it be possible to schedule the wedding around your BF's brother's leave? I'm sure a few months into his tour he'd be able to find out when he'd be eligible.

katanne9

IMO, definitely wait.

This is something that shouldn't be rushed into, but thoroughly enjoyed. He may harbor some resentment if he isn't ready.

bakes218

I know rushing is a bad idea. I think we have just been together so long I am just so ready to start our lives together. Zaneopal - I will ask BF about his brother's leave. That is a good idea. Katanne - BF and I talked about the whole resentment thing tonight. You kind of hit the nail on the head. I think we just need to really think for the next few weeks about what we really want and what is really important to us. I think BF is going to talk to his brother about how he would feel about not being a part of the wedding. I will keep you all posted.

loopy82

I'm not trying to be rude, I just wanted to point out that you said you guys see yourselves getting engaged in 6 months. BF's bro will leave in 6 months. You are planning on a year long engagement. Most deployments are 1 year (less if he is AF.) IDK - but judging by timelines given I think it sounds like you can work things out just fine.

You could try to plan something for his leave, but IMO, from growing up in a military family, leave times can change and aren't set in stone. Just sayin...

All in all, good luck with getting a plan figured out that works out for you and your BF (and his bro.)

Button5807

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_wait-not-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2df997c2-98aa-4a15-bc43-dcc849b4edebPost:bce3b26d-ff01-4bdb-9add-3f36428e719c">Re: To wait, or not to wait...</a>:
[QUOTE]You could try to plan something for his leave, but IMO, from growing up in a military family, leave times can change and aren't set in stone. Just sayin... [/QUOTE]
<strong>
THIS</strong>

My cousin had to pull major strings and calling about a dozen HUGE favors when they changed his leave because he almost missed his OWN wedding.

We've tried to plan things around leave for my brother but w/o fail he's never able to make it. I'll just wait until he's out of the service.

**Mutley**

You answered your own question.  Your bf is apprehensive.  It would be a different story if you were already engaged and had started planning.  You know that rushing is a bad idea.

I would step back and let the situation unfold.  I would not recommend rushing a military couple into a wedding/marriage because of a deployment, so why would a couple where neither one is deploying rush because of a deployment. 

Plus a lot of deployment dates are not set until much closer to the actual deployment.  Leave blocks can change at the last minute.  The date of deployment can change up until the second he is actually on the bus (and sometimes those buses even turn around.)

What branch is his brother in?  He should know going into his deployment the approximate length - 6, 9 or 12 months. 

bakes218

His brother is in the Army and it is his first deployment. I think we are all a little unsure of how it is going to work. We talked this morning and he doesn't want to rush although he also doesn't want to wait till maybe 2012. His brother is going to be coming home this weekend and they are going to talk more about it. I think he is worried about his brother's feelings and he doesn't want his brother to feel left out. Which is sweet and I love him for that.

Thank you all so much for the great advice. I am going to just let this unfold (thanks Mutley).

**Mutley**

I just want to emphasize that while not wanting his brother to feel left out is great, it is NOT a reason to rush a marriage.  I know that the two of you have been talking about getting married and had some sort of time frame.     

I really would tell your boyfriend that you love him and want him to feel comfortable with how everything goes.  Let him know that you support him.  Let him know that you will wait until 2012 to marry him if that is how his brother will be able to attend.  Reassure him that he does NOT have to rush because of outside forces. 

If his brother is in the Army, the deployment will likely be a year long.  This could even change mid-deployment - shorter or longer.  He will get R&R.  Since he is low in the rank structure, I am not sure how much say he will get as to when he takes it.  (I know with higher ups in the USMC, they can often chose a time to take R&R.) 

I am very against moving up marriages because of deployments (unless a wedding was already planned and the change is just a couple of months.)     

bakes218

I totally agree. If having his brother there is important then I am willing to adjust our plans and timeline. I think he would consider not having his brother there if it was OK with his brother. I will let the two of them talk and work that out. You make a good point about the R&R. His brother is actually a 2nd Lieutenant (Reserves) so I think he may have more flexibility. I just want it to be the right time and not feel like we are rushing. I am so thankful for all of your advice.