Not Engaged Yet

Buying a house before getting engaged/married

Hi ladies,

I've had something that's been troubling me lately and I wasn't sure where to ask for advice about this, but I thought this board might be a good place for some advice. My boyfriend and I  have been together around 5 years, living together for about 3.5 years. Right now my boyfriend really wants to buy a house. I think he's probably in the right place for this financially, but I don't honestly think I am (still paying big student loans and not making too much money though I do have a steady job).

I'm pretty uncomfortable about the prospect of buying a house. I mean, it seems exciting, but I'm worried about the implications of doing this before moving our relationship to the next level. I spoke to my boyfriend about it, at length, and explained all the reasons I was uncomfortable (money, concerns about what happens if we break up) and my boyfriend's bottom line was that he's ready to buy a house but not ready to get engaged yet, he doesn't know when he might ever be ready to get engaged and to allieviate my concerns I will be left off of all paperwork related to the house (mortgage, deed, etc). He insists that he's finanically capable of taking care of it all himself, if I were not around, and that he's going to go ahead and buy the house even if I don't really want to.

I just feel nervous about making a large financial decision without knowing if we're making a definite commitment to one another, and I worry about my rights if I make contributions to this house (I'm planning on paying 1/2 of the mortgage and helping put up money for closing costs--but not the down payment). If we break up at some point, I will have no invested right in this property despite my considerable contributions and sweat equity put into the property. I will also be ineligible for any of the tax breaks for homeowners despite acting as homeowner in nearly every way.

My boyfriend insists on going ahead with this because he's financially ready and he worries that if he waits until we get engaged that the housing market won't be in the same place (and because he doesn't know how many years it will be until he is ready to get married). All of this is a large source of concern for me. He sprung the house buying thing on me suddenly (I thought we were going to renew this lease for at least another year), and I haven't  been sleeping nights worrying over whether I need to just go along with it, or move out or try to find someone to talk to my boyfriend about this. I feel totally lost and I'm ready for whatever advice you guys might have. Thanks.

Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:a168ba8f-18c4-418a-87ee-cea9cb9391a3">Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi ladies, I've had something that's been troubling me lately and I wasn't sure where to ask for advice about this, but I thought this board might be a good place for some advice. My boyfriend and I  have been together around 5 years, living together for about 3.5 years. Right now my boyfriend really wants to buy a house. I think he's probably in the right place for this financially, but I don't honestly think I am (still paying big student loans and not making too much money though I do have a steady job). I'm pretty uncomfortable about the prospect of buying a house. I mean, it seems exciting, but I'm worried about the implications of doing this before moving our relationship to the next level. I spoke to my boyfriend about it, at length, and explained all the reasons I was uncomfortable (money, concerns about what happens if we break up) and my boyfriend's bottom line was that he's ready to buy a house but not ready to get engaged yet, he doesn't know when he might ever be ready to get engaged and to allieviate my concerns I will be left off of all paperwork related to the house (mortgage, deed, etc). He insists that he's finanically capable of taking care of it all himself, if I were not around, and that he's going to go ahead and buy the house even if I don't really want to. I just feel nervous about making a large financial decision without knowing if we're making a definite commitment to one another, and I worry about my rights if I make contributions to this house (I'm planning on paying 1/2 of the mortgage and helping put up money for closing costs--but not the down payment). If we break up at some point, I will have no invested right in this property despite my considerable contributions and sweat equity put into the property. I will also be ineligible for any of the tax breaks for homeowners despite acting as homeowner in nearly every way. My boyfriend insists on going ahead with this because he's financially ready and he worries that if he waits until we get engaged that the housing market won't be in the same place (and because he doesn't know how many years it will be until he is ready to get married). All of this is a large source of concern for me. He sprung the house buying thing on me suddenly (I thought we were going to renew this lease for at least another year), and I haven't  been sleeping nights worrying over whether I need to just go along with it, or move out or try to find someone to talk to my boyfriend about this. I feel totally lost and I'm ready for whatever advice you guys might have. Thanks.
    Posted by ilovemynerdboy[/QUOTE]

    I own a home, my boyfriend lives in it.  My name only is on the mortgage, taxes, etc.  I am the ONLY ONE who pays the mortgage.  He pays all utilities (it evens out, oil is expensive in Connecticut).  He did not contribute funds towards the down payment (since it would've been considered a "gift" if it was in my account under 60 days) nor towards closing costs.

    If you want your hands clean 100% of this if you do break up, don't contribute towards closing costs.  Every state has programs that will let you borrow towards closing costs. 

    if I were you, stay out of the transaction 100%.  If it doesn't work out, it's his loss technically since there is nothing in your name and you can walk away from the whole deal hands clean.

    Good news is though, if you decide on marrying this guy, which from what your post says is that he doesn't want to, and decide to upgrade to a nicer/bigger house, you can apply for your own mortgage being a first time homebuyer and would only have to put 3% down on the home if you qualify for an FHA mortgage.

    Trust me, EVERYONE that knew I was buying a house said "don't put BF's name on the mortgage"

    Everyone is going to have an opinion, but legally, it would be in your best interest to stay out of the whole transaction.  It's a risk you're going to have to take being in a relationship.

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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    We have lived together in a house 'we' bought for the last two and a half years, but my name is the only one on any paperwork concerning the house and I paid the down payment before we combined finances a little over a year ago. We were fine buying a house together (our combined finances pay for the mortgage now) because we already had a ring and knew we'd be getting married within a couple of years and beginning to have children by 2015. I don't know that I would buy a house with a guy who may never be ready for engagement -- it seems like if you're wanting to lay down roots somewhere by buying a house, you should be ready to move forward in life by heading toward engagement and marriage.

    I'd be really wary of being financially involved in this transaction.

  • I've said it a million times before and I'll say it again.  I don't think it's EVER a good idea to buy property with someone you are not married to.

    Period.
  • FI and I bought a condo right before we got engaged.  I did think it was kind of crazy, but I also knew that we were about to get engaged.  That being said, if it makes you uncomfortable, don't do it.  I have a friend who bought a house on her own, and then her boyfriend moved in.  Because there IS a lot of sweat equity involved and she didnt want him to feel like he couldn't invest in the house and make it his own, she had the house appraised on his move in, and they decided that if they ever broke up, they'd get the house reappraised and split in half the difference between the first and second appraisals.  That way, he could still invest (time and money) into upgrades and making it his home too, but not be "out" any money since he didn't own it.
  • H and I lived together after we got engaged. But we're talking renting an apartment, so I can't totally comment like the PP.

    My main concern here is his lack of emotion where you're concerned. If he's saying, "I"m doing this with or without you," then don't you really have your answer as to his true feelings? I can't imagine anyone saying that to their GF of 5 years. Good luck.
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:a168ba8f-18c4-418a-87ee-cea9cb9391a3">Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi ladies, I've had something that's been troubling me lately and I wasn't sure where to ask for advice about this, but I thought this board might be a good place for some advice. <strong>My boyfriend and I  have been together around 5 years, living together for about 3.5 years</strong>. Right now my boyfriend really wants to buy a house. I think he's probably in the right place for this financially, but I don't honestly think I am (still paying big student loans and not making too much money though I do have a steady job). I'm pretty uncomfortable about the prospect of buying a house. I mean, it seems exciting, but <strong>I'm worried about the implications of doing this before moving our relationship to the next level</strong>. I spoke to my boyfriend about it, at length, and explained all the reasons I was uncomfortable (money, concerns about what happens if we break up) and <strong>my boyfriend's bottom line was that he's ready to buy a house but not ready to get engaged yet, he doesn't know when he might ever be ready to get engaged </strong>and to allieviate my concerns I will be left off of all paperwork related to the house (mortgage, deed, etc). He insists that he's finanically capable of taking care of it all himself, if I were not around, and that<strong> he's going to go ahead and buy the house even if I don't really want to</strong>. I just feel nervous about making a large financial decision without knowing if we're making a definite commitment to one another, and I worry about my rights if I make contributions to this house (I'm planning on paying 1/2 of the mortgage and helping put up money for closing costs--but not the down payment). If we break up at some point, I will have no invested right in this property despite my considerable contributions and sweat equity put into the property. I will also be ineligible for any of the tax breaks for homeowners despite acting as homeowner in nearly every way. <strong>My boyfriend insists on going ahead with this because he's financially ready and he worries that if he waits until we get engaged that the housing market won't be in the same place (and because he doesn't know how many years it will be until he is ready to get married).</strong> All of this is a large source of concern for me. He sprung the house buying thing on me suddenly (I thought we were going to renew this lease for at least another year), and I haven't  been sleeping nights worrying over whether I need to just go along with it, or move out or try to find someone to talk to my boyfriend about this. I feel totally lost and I'm ready for whatever advice you guys might have. Thanks.
    Posted by ilovemynerdboy[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Most of what I bolded feels like red flags.  You don't want to make this purchase, so you aren't.  He still wants to do it.  I really think it's one thing to have owned a house before you have your SO, but to buy one with zero regard to their feelings on the matter seems ridiculous to me.</div><div>
    </div><div>I think you have your answer on his feelings about getting married/engaged to you, if not in general.  He's ready to make a commitment to a house and not to you, and to me that would basically be a deal breaker.  There's a significant difference between "I am in a place financially to purchase this house on my own, and I know that we will be moving forward in our relationship soon" and "I'm purchasing this house with or without you, and I might never marry you."  And your BF seems to be on page 2.

    </div>
    I french with my man
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:20d70fd0-6917-4bf9-8aed-dc5d5f4ef77c">Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Buying a house before getting engaged/married : Most of what I bolded feels like red flags.  You don't want to make this purchase, so you aren't.  He still wants to do it.  I really think it's one thing to have owned a house before you have your SO, but to buy one with zero regard to their feelings on the matter seems ridiculous to me. I think you have your answer on his feelings about getting married/engaged to you, if not in general.  He's ready to make a commitment to a house and not to you, and to me that would basically be a deal breaker.  There's a significant difference between "I am in a place financially to purchase this house on my own, and I know that we will be moving forward in our relationship soon" and "I'm purchasing this house with or without you, and I might never marry you."  And your BF seems to be on page 2.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    I agree with all of this,  as someone who is buying a house together with their SO and we aren't married or engaged yet.  We agreed the timing was right and we had the money to buy. We also knew this was just one of many steps in our lives together.  We know we are getting married and a proposal is happening soon.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  We even discussed how many bedrooms we wanted/needed & how many kids we wanted to have.  Personally I couldn't go into buying a home with someone who wasn't ready to have those kind of conversations or sure he wanted to take those next steps with me.

    Anniversary

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:20d70fd0-6917-4bf9-8aed-dc5d5f4ef77c">Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Buying a house before getting engaged/married : Most of what I bolded feels like red flags.  You don't want to make this purchase, so you aren't.  He still wants to do it.  I really think it's one thing to have owned a house before you have your SO, <strong>but to buy one with <u>zero regard to their feelings on the matter seems ridiculous to me. I think you have your answer on his feelings about getting married/engaged to you</u>, if not in general.  He's ready to make a commitment to a house and not to you, and to me that would basically be a deal breaker. </strong> There's a significant difference between "I am in a place financially to purchase this house on my own, and I know that we will be moving forward in our relationship soon" and "I'm purchasing this house with or without you, and I might never marry you."  And your BF seems to be on page 2.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    Peek said it much better than I did. He's not thinking of you in the whole big picture, and that's the problem.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:3b7d5799-1408-4fd0-b087-f351398f2182">Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married : I agree with all of this,  as someone who is buying a house together with their SO and we aren't married or engaged yet.  We agreed the timing was right and we had the money to buy. We also knew this was just one of many steps in our lives together.  We know we are getting married and a proposal is happening soon.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  We even discussed how many bedrooms we wanted/needed & how many kids we wanted to have.  Personally I couldn't go into buying a home with someone who wasn't ready to have those kind of conversations or sure he wanted to take those next steps with me.
    Posted by danser55[/QUOTE]

    And I agree with all of this lol.  To the OP, the guy doesn't have his heart into starting a life with you together, you may want to re-think the relationship if you're on two different pages.

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  • I think Smooch and Peek hit on some very important points. His lack of consideration for your concerns sounds like a red flag.

    However, if you do choose to move forward, don't contribute to closing costs or any other purchasing costs. Pay rent to your BF. Maybe the same amount of rent you pay now for wherever you live. If things don't work out, you've lost no more than if you continued to rent your current place.
  • I understand where you are both coming from.  Since you aren't married or engaged, it's wise for both of you to consider finances separately with a purchase this large.

    I understand where he's coming from wanting to buy now.  Prices are low, but are recovering in many areas, interest rates are low, so it really is a good time to buy.  So while it sucks that he's wanting to make this choice now when you aren't ready, and he's not ready for a marriage commitment...from a strictly financial/investment perspective, I can understand him not wanting to miss the opportunity to buy in this market.

    However, I definitely understand that since you don't have a commitment, and he's admitted that he may never want to make one, that you should consider this 100% his purchase.  This means that I would not put any money towards a down payment or closing costs.  I'd also suggest not splitting the mortgage 50/50, but this is something you need to talk about more specifically to your situation (what do you contribute now, is there a large difference in your incomes, etc).

    As for your relationship, I don't see this specific thing being a red flag.  However, if he cuts you out of the buying process (ie, not caring if you like the house or not because you aren't the one buying it), then that would be a red flag because it shows that marriage or not, he doesn't value your role in his future. 
    Anniversary
  • house aside....
    look at the bigger issue.
    your BF of 5 years isn't "ready" to get engaged to you- how long is that going to take?
    I know that sounds harsh but in reality will he every be ready ? Maybe someday... but if not you're going to be filling the role of house wife and paying his mortgage off.
    I'd look more into why he can't make the commitment to you that he is willing to do with a loan officer.
  • edited January 2013
    OP - I'm going to share my personal story in hopes that it will help you with your own decision here.

    I decided to purchase a condo on my own a year into my relationship with FI (Then BF). I paid for everything on my own and he did not move in with me. Here we are 5 years later and He has proposed and we will be getting married in June.

    FI has never put any money towards my condo and I never expected him to. He contributes to some bills that we both feel we benefit from (internet, etc.). I pay the HOA fees, the mortgage and any repairs on the property myself. WHEN we are married, we will add his name on the deed and all, but until then it is my property and mine alone.

    If your BF wants to purchase property, I would support him in that. HOWEVER, i'd make sure that he does not expect you to invest any money. If you'd still like to live together, the two of you need to agree, in writing, to some sort of rental terms. Anything you pay him as "rent" should technically be considered income on his taxes. I know this takes some of the "romance" out of living together, but it is your best protection...and it prevents either of you from looking at the property as joint.

    As far as your relationship goes, obviously you may have some other issues that need discussing if you're feeling he's moving forward in life without moving forward in the relationship. For me, I never begrudged FI for not wanting to get married when I purchased my place...or for not living with me. We made choices that protected our individual finances and our relationship...and I think it worked out well.

    Good luck with everything and feel free to ask more questions if you have them!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:f0daf5b2-9de5-4d87-8ae8-46fd0c31a0fd">Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]house aside.... look at the bigger issue. your BF of 5 years isn't "ready" to get engaged to you- how long is that going to take? I know that sounds harsh but in reality will he every be ready ? Maybe someday... but if not you're going to be filling the role of house wife and paying his mortgage off. I'd look more into why he can't make the commitment to you that he is willing to do with a loan officer.
    Posted by Marho1984[/QUOTE]


    I really hope you're a troll. Your statement here is inflammatory and catty. You don't know anything about them. They might still be very young, for all we know. I have friends who were together for ten years before getting married. They waited until it was right for both of them. There isn't some magical cutoff date.
  • **FYI-I just posted this post about a minute ago from a different account. It was old, and I honestly didn't remember having it, but I suppose it was signed in on my desktop which I haven't used in a while...weird, but I thought I should clarify and repost. Don't want to seem troll-y or weird.**


    OP here. Sorry I disappeared after posting, but I did come back...! I'm not really sure what to say except to thank you all for your advice. I'm really struggling with what to do here because bf is very excited about buying and I feel like expressing my desire not to be involved in the process would make our relationship difficult and seem like I'm not supportive of his wants. 

    I would love to support bf in this and I would love to be ready to buy a house together, but like many of you have echoed it can get SO messy if we go forward with this and things don't work out. I honestly think 100% that I want to spend the rest of my life with bf, but whenever I try to talk to him about where he sees us in 5 years, 10 years etc, he gets really antsy and says he doesn't even know if he sees us together 5 years from now. Honestly, I don't mean to sound BSC but it hurts me to think that bf is ready to make a 30+ year commitment to a mortgage, but he can't even imagine us together 5 years from now. 

    I should mention that even though I think bf is in a good place financially I don't think he'd be able to afford the house 100% without my contribution. I make much less than bf does, but I have contributed significantly to our rental costs for the last 3+ years and I worryt hat bf doesn't understand that purchasing a house requires a significant amount of initial expenses and could incur surprise expenses along the way. I know that he would need me to pay a significant amount of "rent" and I worry that if I don't give half of the cost of repair when something breaks that he might do somethng irresponsible, like put it on a credit card.

    Ugh, this all sounds so bad. I love bf, but he's not amazing with money (I'm not either, but I've always had less so I've been very conservative with non-necessity spending). And it is a constant worry for me that he's not really as invested in this relationship as I expect. I try to talk to him about it every so often, but he never responds well and sometimes I think I just stop trying to talk about it because I'm afraid of what he's going to say. I don't *need* to get engaged anytime soon, and I certainly don't want to push bf in any way, but I want to know that he at least thinks of our future as an actual possiblity. I feel like everytime I ask him any questions about the future his answer is always "we'll see." Part of me doesn't know if that kind of answer is good enough anymore, especially when he's about to make a huge financial investment that will definitely impact me.
  • Dreamergirl8812Dreamergirl8812 your closet member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I've been with my fiance for 6 years and we've been engaged for 5 months. 2 years ago he bought us a condo. I moved in with him but he did the entire thing by himself except for asking my opinion at times.

    He pays the mortgage and I pay the HOA and the cable bill. We had not discussed marriage (although apparently he was already thinking about the proposal), so we made sure to keep the finances separate. If we had broken up, I would have had to find a new place but it otherwise would not have been messy (except for the emotional toll of course). He's also an amazing guy so I know that if we broke up he would never kick me out or anything.

    You need to protect yourself. Financial problems are the #1 reason for divorce. It's a red flag that he expects you to pay half of the mortgage of HIS house. And if he can afford the entire thing it seems like he would want to take care of you to some degree.



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  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re:Buying a house before getting engaged/married:[QUOTE]FYII just posted this post about a minute ago from a different account. It was old, and I honestly didn't remember having it, but I suppose it was signed in on my desktop which I haven't used in a while...weird, but I thought I should clarify and repost. Don't want to seem trolly or weird.OP here. Sorry I disappeared after posting, but I did come back...! I'm not really sure what to say except to thank you all for your advice. I'm really struggling with what to do here because bf is very excited about buying and I feel like expressing my desire not to be involved in the process would make our relationship difficult and seem like I'm not supportive of his wants.nbsp;I would love to support bf in this and I would love to be ready to buy a house together, but like many of you have echoed it can get SO messy if we go forward with this and things don't work out. I honestly think 100 that I want to spend the rest of my life with bf, but whenever I try to talk to him about where he sees us in 5 years, 10 years etc, he gets really antsy and says he doesn't even know if he sees us together 5 years from now. Honestly, I don't mean to sound BSC but it hurts me to think that bf is ready to make a 30 year commitment to a mortgage, but he can't even imagine us together 5 years from now.nbsp;I should mention that even though I think bf is in a good place financially I don't think he'd be able to afford the house 100 without my contribution. I make much less than bf does, but I have contributed significantly to our rental costs for the last 3 years and I worryt hat bf doesn't understand that purchasing a house requires a significant amount of initial expenses and could incur surprise expenses along the way. I know that he would need me to pay a significant amount of "rent" and I worry that if I don't give half of the cost of repair when something breaks that he might do somethng irresponsible, like put it on a credit card.Ugh, this all sounds so bad. I love bf, but he's not amazing with money I'm not either, but I've always had less so I've been very conservative with nonnecessity spending. And it is a constant worry for me that he's not really as invested in this relationship as I expect. I try to talk to him about it every so often, but he never responds well and sometimes I think I just stop trying to talk about it because I'm afraid of what he's going to say. I don't need to get engaged anytime soon, and I certainly don't want to push bf in any way, but I want to know that he at least thinks of our future as an actual possiblity. I feel like everytime I ask him any questions about the future his answer is always "we'll see." Part of me doesn't know if that kind of answer is good enough anymore, especially when he's about to make a huge financial investment that will definitely impact me. Posted by ilovemynerdboy[/QUOTE]

    I can't bold it because I'm on my phone, but why do you want to be with someone who doesn't even know if he see himself with you in 5 years? Of course him saying that hurts you! I wouldn't be able to be with someone who can't see a future with me.



  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_buying-a-house-before-getting-engagedmarried?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2e7b97c2-f955-4bd6-8096-4f9d6a8c3aa5Post:917185d8-7fda-4434-82b4-099fba66932e">Re: Buying a house before getting engaged/married</a>:
    [QUOTE]**FYI-I just posted this post about a minute ago from a different account. It was old, and I honestly didn't remember having it, but I suppose it was signed in on my desktop which I haven't used in a while...weird, but I thought I should clarify and repost. Don't want to seem troll-y or weird.** OP here. Sorry I disappeared after posting, but I did come back...! I'm not really sure what to say except to thank you all for your advice. I'm really struggling with what to do here because <strong>bf is very excited about buying and I feel like expressing my desire not to be involved in the process would make our relationship difficult and seem like I'm not supportive of his wants</strong>.  I would love to support bf in this and I would love to be ready to buy a house together, but like many of you have echoed it can get SO messy if we go forward with this and things don't work out. I honestly think 100% that I want to spend the rest of my life with bf, but whenever I try to talk to him about where he sees us in 5 years, 10 years etc<strong>, he gets really antsy and says he doesn't even know if he sees us together 5 years from now.</strong> Honestly, I don't mean to sound BSC but it hurts me to think that bf is ready to make a 30+ year commitment to a mortgage, but he can't even imagine us together 5 years from now.  I should mention that even though I think bf is in a good place financially<strong> I don't think he'd be able to afford the house 100% without my contribution.</strong> I make much less than bf does, but I have contributed significantly to our rental costs for the last 3+ years and I worryt hat bf doesn't understand that purchasing a house requires a significant amount of initial expenses and could incur surprise expenses along the way. I <strong>know that he would need me to pay a significant amount of "rent" and I worry that if I don't give half of the cost of repair when something breaks that he might do somethng irresponsible, like put it on a credit card.</strong> Ugh, this all sounds so bad. I love bf, but he's not amazing with money (I'm not either, but I've always had less so I've been very conservative with non-necessity spending). <strong>And it is a constant worry for me that he's not really as invested in this relationship as I expect. I try to talk to him about it every so often, but he never responds well and sometimes I think I just stop trying to talk about it because I'm afraid of what he's going to say</strong>. I don't *need* to get engaged anytime soon, and I certainly don't want to push bf in any way, but I want to know that he at least thinks of our future as an actual possiblity. I feel like everytime I ask him any questions about the future his answer is always "we'll see." Part of me doesn't know if that kind of answer is good enough anymore, especially when he's about to make a huge financial investment that will definitely impact me.
    Posted by ilovemynerdboy[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>1.  I'm concerned that you can't have an open and honest conversation with your BF.  You've been together 5 years.   Unless you're both 15, which I highly doubt since he's buying a house, you should know how to communicate with each other well.  You should be able to tell him your concerns without it coming across as unsupportive.</div><div>
    </div><div>2. I'd be pissed as hell if my BF started telling me he didn't know if we'd be together in 5 years.  At some point one of you needs to make a decision.</div><div>
    </div><div>3.  If he doesn't know if he sees you together in 5 years and he can't afford the house without you, he probably needs to rethink this purchase.  What happens if you two break up right after he closes?  What happens if you break up a year after?  Where does the rest of that money come from?  I'm a firm believer that if you're going to make a purchase just for you, you need to be able to afford it by yourself.</div><div>
    </div><div>4. Again, I'm seeing a serious communication issue.  I went through that last bolded bit in my last relationship.  It sucks to feel like you have to repress your thoughts/feelings because you don't know how he's going to respond.  But at the end of the day, if you don't express those thoughts/feelings, they will build up and eventually it will do serious damage to your relationship, if not undermine it completely.  I was constantly afraid to say "exBF, I'm concerned that you're not being financially responsible" or "I'm worried that your drinking is getting out of hand" or "You're a slob and I can't take it anymore and I need you to help me around the house" because I didn't want him to leave.  Turned out that when I finally ditched him, my life basically exploded with happiness.  You should never have to worry about telling your SO how you feel about things.</div>
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  • I bought my condo 3.5 years ago when I was just dating a now-ex boyfriend. I had started looking to buy something the year before (we weren't dating then), and a property I had looked at became available and I couldn't pass it up. I went to him for advice on what he thought I should do (I'd be living their alone, we were nowhere near the step of moving in - although I did ask just in case). He wasn't much help, honestly - which I thought he would be. I didn't think it was selfish of me to buy my own place and not consider our future, and  we broke up 4 months later.

    However, my current BF bought his house when he was dating an ex (it was actually her idea). Her name was on nothing for the home, it was all him. So when they broke up, he still lived there and she just moved her things out. I have never asked what really sparked his interest in buying a place, since it was the girls idea... but it happened (and this was 8 years ago).

    Now I'm in a predicament where I am not engaged, and my BF says he wants to live together before we were to get engaged. Yes, I can sell my place and move with him - but until I have the absoulte commitment that where we're going is marriage - I am hesitant. Do I not think it won't work between us after we move in? Not at all, but in the case of "you never know", I'd like to not have to start over finding a place to live when I already own my own. So, that is where we stand.

    So... for you, let him buy the home, but don't contribute anything but rent to him. That way, if something were to happen, you can move out cleanly and not really owe your boyfriend anything. He may be looking at the future, but we know that how a guy looks at the future is different than how a girl sees it. It sucks to think negatively on your relationship, but it also protects you.
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