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Pre-Marital Counseling

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Re: Pre-Marital Counseling

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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One thing our pastor does as part of the pre-marital counseling is have the couple draw up a chores list. A lot of guys have the mentality that they will do the yard work, car maintenance etc while the women does most of the indoor stuff. Once it is all written out they are surprised at how much more stuff the women is doing and more often. That mentality is more the exception than the rule but I think actually writing out each chore and how often it will be done helps some people, both guys and girls, realize how much each is doing.
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    paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-marital-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:326eb2db-0594-4a8c-81e9-d8d6f4d8cca3Post:71e0045c-cece-4de2-81b4-73f054a29513">Re: Pre-Marital Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]One thing our pastor does as part of the pre-marital counseling is have the couple draw up a chores list. A lot of guys have the mentality that they will do the yard work, car maintenance etc while the women does most of the indoor stuff. Once it is all written out they are surprised at how much more stuff the women is doing and more often. That mentality is more the exception than the rule but I think actually writing out each chore and how often it will be done helps some people, both guys and girls, realize how much each is doing.
    Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

    Amen to this! Besides agreeing on finances I've been told the secret to a happy marriage is - a housekeeper! So far, so good for us. A happy relationship anyway.
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    edited December 2011
    I believe that pre-marital counseling is a must.  I think that financial counceling will be the most important form of counseling that we will go through, once we get to that stage.

    I didn't even think about reading books! Angie, I will have to check out Love Dare for when I get married....if I don't forget about it before then (I don't even have a clue how far away my marriage is).
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    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Here's a fun fact...it's nearly impossible (from the quick 10 minute amazon search I did at work...) to find pre-marital counseling books that are NOT based from a religious standpoint.  Not that FI and I don't believe in God, we just don't believe in religion.  It seems as though these books are trying to tell you that if you don't go to church, you're marriage is doomed for failure.  (of course that's not true, but just how it seems if you are looking for a book....in 10 min,lol)
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    BF and I really want to do pre-martial counseling.  We feel its really important, especially since we are so young. We don't have a church that we go to here so I'm not sure where we will go for it but its really important to both of us.

    My parents put me into therapy when I was in 5th grade but I don't remember very much of it. I'm really looking forward to doing pre-martial counseling though.


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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh, I forgot to say that BF and I both LOVE Fireproof :) I think it's a great movie, and he loves to watch it with me as well :) I've heard good things about the Love Dare book too, let me know how it goes!
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    edited December 2011
    First thing: EVERYONE should AT LEAST get a book and do some at-home "counseling." EVERYONE. No exceptions. DH and I were together for SIX YEARS before our wedding day. We knew each other very, very well. We generally have great communication (we do argue, but it's generally constructive). I cannot imagine a reason someone should not do some form of premarital counseling, because best-case it will only strengthen your relationship and give you valuable tools for getting through the good and bad times, and worst-case it may show you that you're just not ready or maybe not as compatible as you thought. That is still a win in my opinion.

    Again, with emphasis: EVERYONE should do SOME KIND of premarital counseling, even if it's just a book you read together. Heck, it's one thing I think you can and maybe SHOULD do even before getting engaged! If you are in a serious relationship, it is a GOOD IDEA.

    DH and I read a few chapters from a book Kat suggested to me: Before You Say "I Do" (that's a link!), we also had a mini-counseling session with the minister the night of our wedding rehearsal. I would have liked to meet with him earlier and probably more than once, but it didn't work out that way. He was a family friend. He had a few interesting suggestions to make and basically asked a lot of the questions we found in that book and had already discussed.

    The book is written by a pastor, but I didn't find it preachy. It's broken into sections based on talking to your future spouse, your pastor-person, your family, etc. Those sections are broken up into topics. It's a very easy book to either read from front to back, or to do like we did and skim through until we found things we knew we might need to clarify or really discuss in-depth.

    I suggested this book to a friend of mine who is not religious at all, and she and her then- FI, now- husband really liked it.

    I think financial counseling sounds awesome, and is something I'd like to do with DH. We haven't yet, but we do sometimes disagree about money-in-pocket NOW vs. money-in-bank for LATER. I also like the chore list idea. I think that gets overlooked a lot. It seems so college-roommate, but I might just use it anyway. Cool
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I dunno if someone recommended this book already, but my friend told me to buy "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" for a non-religious pre-marriage book.  So there's a secular option for you girls who don't want a religious aspect to the counseling!

    image

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_pre-marital-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:326eb2db-0594-4a8c-81e9-d8d6f4d8cca3Post:4e37e9fd-c7c8-4746-b6d3-cd314c2e8d0e">Re: Pre-Marital Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dunno if someone recommended this book already, but my friend told me to buy "Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts" for a non-religious pre-marriage book.  So there's a secular option for you girls who don't want a religious aspect to the counseling!
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]


    FI and i are reading this right now.  i really like it!
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    edited December 2011
    Sounds like you're using the same program our pastor is...Prepare & Enrich? I am agnostic (recently, used to consider myself athiest) but I believe very much in what the bible says about marriage, apparently.
    Fiance is athiest but we're still getting something out of every session :)

    I haven't mentioned anything to fiance yet, but I'd like to do the Love Dare when he deploys 4 months after we're married.

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    edited December 2011
    I think pre-marital counseling is good so long as the person doing it actually says or does things that will help you as a couple. My experience with pre-marital counseling was not good. The pastor required us to do it and it was miserable for me - I am not a religious person and as soon as he found out about that he spent the remaining sessions preaching to me about how I need to be Christian and didn't discuss anything regarding our actual relationship or things that could make it better. I admit I was skeptical going into it but I decided that if it was something I was going to have to do it I would go in with an open mind and be honest with the pastor which backfired on me.

    All that being said I do think pre-marital counseling is a good thing and any couple should go through it before getting married.
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