new to board - so frustrated with bf

lindsayloowhoo

hey guys, new here fyi

so heres the scoop, bf and i have been together for 3 1/2 years now (we met when i was 16, yeah, i know were young). we have talked about marriage before, and both know that we want to get married and spend our lives together.

we are both still in school, though he only has a year left while i still have 3 (hes extremely intelligent and college is a breeze for him - not so much for me, i struggle with school) but we both agree that the smart thing to do is wait until we both have our degrees to be wed (my parents will continue to pay for my schooling so long as i remain single and at home, once i get married thats it)

only problem is that ive been feeling restless for quite a while now. i dont doubt our love or our relationship, i just feel like im ready to move on to the next step...  its like everything we do is in the same regressive rut... weve been together so long that i feel like its really time for something more. however, every time we consider even the smallest options theres always some kind of downside

if we moved in together, i would no longer have money for college, an we would barely scrape  by on our minimal salaries without adding a 10,000 a year expense in the mix. (same goes for getting married)

weve considered going on a vacation, just us, to get some time away from the world. problem here is my family. i come from an extremely traditional southern church of christ family (im sure they still think that ethan and i havent made love)
if we went on a vacation, i would never hear the end of it, and it would create even more turmoil among us than there is already (there are some sensitive issues because i am not a religious/spiritual person like they are - i believe in science)

basically im just frustrated as can be at the situation... we always stick to the same routine, school, work, home to sit on the couch and watch tv, maybe the occasional movie date... were not even married and i feel like old people are more exciting than we are...

ive tried to talk to him about this, but he does not feel the same frustrations i do... hes so concentrated on graduating, on the now...

help!

mmhepb

Lindsay, first, welcome to NEY.  This is a great place to come and find other ladies that are experiencing the same things you are, which will help. 

I come from a conservative Christian family, and am somewhat conservative (and completely Christian) myself.  I know it's hard to balance your wants with the expected reputation you are to uphold for your family and church.  You have to decide which is more important to you.  

I do travel with my FI, we just always have someone else with us.  You could consider going with another couple, possibly from your church, and have girls' and guys' rooms, but during the rest of the time split off as couples.  

FWIW, you can believe in science and religion.  I am a Christian, with complete faith in Christ, but I am also a science major.  I have just have faith that there is so much that God is able to do that my brain cannot comprehend.

DanieKA

Welcome. You and your boyfriend are young, but it seems like you guys have a good plan going. I know you want to get to it, but your boyfriend is right to be focusing on school. It will make the start of your marriage so much easier and stronger if you both finish school and find jobs, as opposed to both being in school and taking on debt you don't have to. Think about that. It is an amazing gift to have your parents fund your education and in this economy having a college degree is almost like having a high school diploma ...AKA, you absolutely need it if you want to have any kind of chance to find something right now. At least without years and years of experience in any given industry. 

I hate to burst your bubble, but the high of actually saying "I do" and getting married won't make your relationship suddenly exciting. If I've heard anything from married friends it's that the relationship you had before you were married, is the relationship you have after. There is a period of excitement and a renewed honeymoon phase, but if you are essentially a couch and movie couple, you will be a couch and movie couple after you are mr. and mrs. the vows won't make you guys daredevils or adventurers in and of itself. 

Your boyfriend seems to have the right idea about all this. He's committed to you and your future, but he knows that certain things will be easier to do now, while you both are still somewhat under the wings of your parents and have the support of family as opposed to jumping right in and making things harder for yourself. 

I know it's hard to be patient, but remember, you aren't waiting to start your life with him. You have already started your life with him. Enjoy that!

As far as vacations go, I know it's hard to go against your parents, and it makes it difficult because they do support you at this moment (you live at home, go to school full time which they pay for. I assume you don't pay for rent or food or utilities, which is a blessing and a gift), however, I would try and explain to them that you and your BF are trying to do the right thing, waiting a few years to get married so you both can graduate and have a good foundation to start a marriage and a weekend trip to the beach or a cabin or wherever isn't going to affect anything. That you need time away to just bond and promise them you won't come back pregnant! Hahahaha!

Seriously, try to be as patient as possible and remember that your life with him is happening now and the more you look forward the more you are missing. Stay in school! Being an adult and fully independent will become a lot less glamorous when you have 10 bills that come in the mail each month and you don't have a college degree and can't get a decent job to pay them.  

Good luck!

polkadot111

Hello, and welcome to NEY!  I'm glad you're here.

First off, have you talked to your mom about how you're feeling? I know you don't want to talk too much and lose your college money (it sounds like, at least), but talking to her about this is important. Don't just asking, "Can I go out of town with bf?" And then when she says no, you complain. Instead, maybe tell your mom you need to talk to her and schedule a lunch or something. That way you're both in the same place and can talk. Just tell her you understand how she feels, but that you need some space. You're not 14 anymore, and you can make your own decisions.

Second, I am pretty conservative and so is FI. He's been out of college for a year, and I'm just about finished up.  We haven't had sex yet, but we do go on trips together sometimes. I dont' live at home though during the school year (i live in an apartment at school). We honestly just don't tell our parents the details. I'll just tell my mom, "Jeff and I are going up to ____ for the weekend. I'll call you Monday." I know I can make my own decisions, and weekends away are wonderful. Now, she doesn't ask for the details, and I don't tell her. Works for us.

bethsmiles

Try doing some new things either with or without your BF. Take a new class at the gym, go on a date you guys have never been on. It sounds like you are bored because you guys do the same things all the time. After marriage there is no "next step" so you need to learn how to keep your relationship interesting without needing to move forward to whatever the next perceived step is.

My BF and I have been together 2 1/2 years and we've both agreed to wait to get married until we are done with school. Sometimes I feel like my relationship is in a rut and I've found that getting out and doing something I haven't done before makes it easier to wait to get married.

AudgiePodge

Beth is correct. If you're bored now, marriage is not going to be any different. Marriage doesn't magically make everything better and not boring. No matter which stage of the relationship you're in, it's going to take work. Go try new things. I really recommend getting some hobbies of your own, that are just yours. "Me time" is a wonderful thing.

ravenray

I totally understand your position.  I am young too.  I still live at home and my parents won’t even let my BF in my room with the door open because of the "appearance of evil."  So I understand your frustration.  When the BF and I go on vaction, we go to places where I have relatives or friends so that we can stay with them. Not only does this save money but then my parents will let us go.  Yes you might have to put up with not sleeping in the same room but your parents will let you go.   That sucks but sometimes that is how life is. 
About feeling in a rut, I am pretty sure getting married wont change anything.  You should take charge.  I have a very college driven BF too, sometimes he doesn't want to do anything because of what he needs to get done.  The best thing is to plan something in advance, that way he knows so he can get his homework done.  Plan a nice dinner, make him dinner, and go take a class together.  One of the ways that BF and I connect during school is we take classes together.  That may not be possible for you but you can always take a local class, like ceramics, art, or a hiking class.  Go hiking, swimming, fishing, something different and fun.   GL

Beads921

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_new-board-frustrated-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:38f03b1e-b22e-438e-971b-660b8f3f065fPost:2b1d1481-e4d6-4745-b5cb-f38253e785d4">Re: new to board - so frustrated with bf</a>:
[QUOTE]Beth is correct. If you're bored now, marriage is not going to be any different. Marriage doesn't magically make everything better and not boring. No matter which stage of the relationship you're in, it's going to take work. Go try new things. I really recommend getting some hobbies of your own, that are just yours.<strong> "Me time" is a wonderful thing.</strong>
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

<div>This is so true. And unfortunately it's a lesson I didn't learn right away, which resulted in a few tense months with BF. I'm a much happier person now that I have things I like to do on my own, and it makes for much better dinnertime conversation with BF. Don't get me wrong, we still do tons of stuff together, and we're also getting better at finding new things to do. It just takes stepping out of your comfort zone every so often. Also, everything everyone else has said about marriage seems spot-on to me as well. I obviously can't speak from personal experience, but I believe that if you think marriage is going to change things, you're in for a real surprise when you do get married. </div><div>
</div><div>Anyway, as well as picking up new hobbies of your own, you could try sharing hobbies you already have. BF likes the outdoors and hiking, so now we go together sometimes. It's something new and exciting we can do together, and there's endless places we can explore. I like to skate, so in the winter we go to local outdoor rinks together. The possibilities here are endless though.</div><div>
</div><div>Something else BF and I do, because we're both crafty, is to restore old windows into picture frames. He's a hobby photographer, and I paint (among other crafty things, like scrap booking and jewelry making), so we have endless amounts of stuff to be framed. And restoring the windows is a fun thing to do together. You can find them at salvage places.</div><div>
</div><div>If you do want to go away somewhere, I would really consider a day trip (it will cause way less Mom-drama). Pick a touristy town somewhere within a few hours drive that you've never been to before, get up early, and go spend the day. Or even drive to a different beach for the day. Things like that are always fun. Better yet, take lots of pictures and then start scrap booking (as a new hobby, if you don't do it already).</div><div>
</div><div>Basically, you just need to open your mind a little bit. Both you and your BF. And also accept that getting married a) isn't going to happen right away, and b) won't fix anything anyway. </div><div>
</div><div>Edit: BF and I also met when we were 16. We're 21 now though. We've both changed A LOT as people over the past almost 5 years (I can't believe I've known him that long), and as a result our relationship has changed a lot too. Relationships take work. There is no 'magic bullet' to pull you from a rut. You need to work on it together.</div><div>
</div>

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_new-board-frustrated-bf?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:38f03b1e-b22e-438e-971b-660b8f3f065fPost:01c39a77-ad19-4398-9203-6ca45dfe6c57">Re: new to board - so frustrated with bf</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: new to board - so frustrated with bf : This is so true. And unfortunately it's a lesson I didn't learn right away, which resulted in a few tense months with BF. I'm a much happier person now that I have things I like to do on my own, and it makes for much better dinnertime conversation with BF. Don't get me wrong, we still do tons of stuff together, and we're also getting better at finding new things to do. It just takes stepping out of your comfort zone every so often. Also, everything everyone else has said about marriage seems spot-on to me as well. I obviously can't speak from personal experience, but I believe that if you think marriage is going to change things, you're in for a real surprise when you do get married.  Anyway, as well as picking up new hobbies of your own, you could try sharing hobbies you already have. BF likes the outdoors and hiking, so now we go together sometimes. It's something new and exciting we can do together, and there's endless places we can explore. I like to skate, so in the winter we go to local outdoor rinks together. The possibilities here are endless though. <strong>Something else BF and I do, because we're both crafty, is to restore old windows into picture frames. He's a hobby photographer, and I paint (among other crafty things, like scrap booking and jewelry making), so we have endless amounts of stuff to be framed. And restoring the windows is a fun thing to do together. You can find them at salvage places</strong>. If you do want to go away somewhere, I would really consider a day trip (it will cause way less Mom-drama). Pick a touristy town somewhere within a few hours drive that you've never been to before, get up early, and go spend the day. Or even drive to a different beach for the day. Things like that are always fun. Better yet, take lots of pictures and then start scrap booking (as a new hobby, if you don't do it already). Basically, you just need to open your mind a little bit. Both you and your BF. And also accept that getting married a) isn't going to happen right away, and b) won't fix anything anyway. 
Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]
This is such a cool idea Beads!  Will you AW some for me?  I might be interested in doing this.

Elle1036

Dude, stop considering marriage.  Just stop.  If you guys feel the need to do something now, get engaged, but make sure it's a fairly long engagement.

Here's the thing:  your life is going to be so, SO different after you finish college and start living on your own.  You'll likely be a different person all together.  You'll barely even be able to remember what life was like you when you had a part-time minimum wage job, a full-time school schedule, and a bedroom at your parents' house.

I don't necessarily mean that your BF isn't the one for you, but if he is, he still will be once you guys have grown up a little bit.

Good luck!

peekaboo2011

First, hi.  Second, breathe.  Third, never say you believe in science.  That phrasing drives me BSC - you can agree with a theory, not believe in it.

Fourth, your relationship.  I agree with everyone else who has told you to get some hobbies.  Me time is great, and does a lot for your relationship.  But I'm also going to caution you against jumping into an engagement too.  You're VERY young.  You are going to change a LOT over the next three years of school.  Honestly, engagement should be one of the last things on your mind right now.  If you're struggling with school, you should be focusing on that.  Once you get to a place where you are more financially stable and you've got some experience, then start thinking about it.  I have no idea what to tell you about your family though.  I'm sorry.

Why am I telling you this?  Because I just broke off my engagement.  BF and I have been together 3.5 years, I just graduated college and he just graduated from his masters program.  Our issues are with communication, not boredom.  But the fact of the matter is that a ring is not a band-aid.  You may be anxious to get to the next step, but that next step never makes things more exciting.  It complicates things after a few weeks.  He and I are working through things, and going to counseling because we still want to get married, but we recognize that right now is NOT a good time to add that in.

My point is that I really think you need to wait.  Tell your BF how you're feeling.  Tell him what you want, and try to come up with a compromise.  I know this may bring up some controversy, but what about promise rings? If you're that anxious, it's a step in the right direction without you having to worry about everything that comes with an engagement.

ETA:  If you two want to move in together, well, welcome to the wonderful world of student loans.  Consider yourself lucky your parents are paying for your education because student loans are a fact of life for a lot of people.  You have to make sacrifices.  And, really, if you're only paying 10 grand a year for school, you are damned lucky to begin with.

lunarsongbird

Do you have any relationships with the women in your nursing home? They will give you the most remarkable advice...many of them have been through so much- they will have incredible perspectives.

And they'll probably tell you just to relax and enjoy this time....what they wouldn't give to go back to college again. Focus on your neonatology. Focus on yourself. And let your boyfriend focus on himself and his schooling- this is the only time he will get to truly focus on himself. After he's married to you- and there are children on the way- his time will be your time.

Just savor this time together. It's special.

Come up with silly date ideas- you can find some ideas on www.lovingyou.com.

Savor...You'll never get this time of your life back. All will come in time.

jaycee7389

The first thing that really jumped out at me is the fact that your parents are paying for college, and you are considering throwing that away. I had to pay 100% on my own/loans after scholarships, and I will be paying it off for a long time. It is an unimaginable gift to not have to worry about paying for school, and I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to wait it out until you finish school.

If you need me to put it into perspective, depending on the cost of your university, the money you would save by waiting will ALLOW you to pay for your wedding, buy a house, car, etc. Luckily for us, BF had his college education paid for, and there is no way we could afford our home and business if we both had college debt.

And as for the comment about wanting to take the next step, a lot of us on here understand that completely. BF and I live together, work together/own a business together, have combined finances, and do everything as a unit..but we are NEY, because we want to wait until the time is right. Marriage and engagement are not things to rush into or to use as a crutch in your relationship. The girls on here who ARE engaged and planning a wedding can probably tell you it can be a huge headache and stressful at times, so if your relationship isn't completely solid I wouldn't count on an engagement to fix it.

Beads921

Raven, we only have 1 done, and then 2 in various stages of completion, hopefully to be finished this summer ('scuse the majorly crap-tastic photography, I just took these quickly right now):

In progress 1 - This one has been sanded down, and the glass is out. The glass is half-cleaned, and waiting to be finished. Once the glass is finished, the frame will be re-painted a solid colour and the glass put back in. I'm going to hang a series of paintings in it (which are also only half-done). It will probably hang in our bedroom, since the paintings match the colours/theme we already have in there.

Finished - Pretend it's not sideways...It is a portrait window. We didn't take the glass out of this one, and I wish we had. I want to take the glass out and clean it around the edges to get all the old paint off, and then re-sand and re-paint the frame. Since it was the first, we wanted it to look somewhat 'authentic', hence the crackle, but I actually really don't like it, and I'd rather paint it light grey to better match the shot that's in it. Live and learn. I hope to re-do this one (properly) before we start the final one (below).

In progress 2 (complete with kitten) - This frame hasn't been touched yet, but it rocks cause it's landscape instead of portrait. We have a picture printed for it and everything (which will have to be matted because it's not the exact right size). The frame will be bright white when it's done. No idea where we'll hang it yet though!

SKP82

You can't get married until you start capitalizing and punctuating properly.

Everyone knows that.

monkeysip

As PPs said, getting married won't get you out of a rut.

My fiance and I have been together since we were 16... and that was 8 1/2 years ago.  Our wedding isn't for another 2 years because we're both broke.  We've been waiting to get married until we both have real jobs (and that won't happen until I'm done with grad school).  

We're also Christians who are waiting until marriage.  If anyone understands the desire to get married it is us.  More than anything, we're just so tired of only seeing each other once or twice a week.  More than anything, we just want to be able to go home, eat dinner together, and fall asleep next to each other every night. 

But we both know that marriage won't magically fix our lives or solve all of our problems.  Marriage is a gift... and it does mean that we'll be able to face every problem together... but it won't get you out of a "rut".  I would be worried about this "rut" you're talking about.  Is it a problem in your relationship, or perhaps something you're unhappy with in your life?  Either way, marriage won't fix it.

Just be patient and focus on your life and relationship now.  Does it need some work?  Do you need to refocus things or change your plans (like your schooling or career?). 

BTW, we do go on trips alone together once in a while.  It's never been a big problem with our families because they're probably not quite as conservative as yours.  Maybe it would be better to just be honest with your family, and not pretend to believe in something you don't.  I know you want to keep receiving their support, but at the same time, it's not really worth any dishonesty.  It seems like your family will eventually figure out that you don't really agree with their morals.   

Good luck and I hope you can receive more peace on this issue.

And as a PP said, you can still believe in science and religion

ravenray

Those look so cool Beads!  I will def PM you if I ever get the gumption to do it!

polkadot111

Those frames rock!! Sounds sort of easy too. What a wonderful project! I think when I'm garage sale-ing next week, I'll pick up some cheap ones. Thanks for the great idea!!!

PaigeMcC

Beads those are WICKED!

Moving on...

OP marriage won't solve anything.  If you're bored find something new to do.  Take up a hobby, start a class, whatev...something to spice it up. 

As for your family I think you need to talk to them.  There should be no reason why two adults that are in a long-term relationship cannot go on a vacation.  I think you need to level with them and tell them your thoughts. 

loves2shop4shoes

If you're bored now, you'll be bored after marriage.

Also, you're not ready for marriage if you're still financially dependent upon your parents.  My mother didn't approve of FI and I moving in together because we were "living in sin"...but guess what?  She had zero control over it because I'm financially independent.

If you don't want your parents to control your life as though you're still a child, you need to support yourself like an adult does.  This way, when you want to do something they disapprove of, their disapproval doesn't affect your ability to pay bills.