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I'm a cranky bird.

So Andrew is worried that his parents might "perceive him as being lazy."

Then maybe he should stop playing civilization and start looking for a job, hm?

He says he's going to Denver to speak with the people he interviewed with last month at 1...so that will at least be good. But what about the 6 hours he wasted on the computer dominating a fake China (or whatever?)

I'll talk to him in a couple days about this if it doesn't get better. He specifically asked me to "let him do it on his own..." before we moved. So we'll see...

I love Andrew so so much, but he's kinda just fallen into all of his jobs. He's never had to find a job. It's hard work. Awful, sad, deflating, hard, hard work...

So back to loving Andrew- I really, really do...but this will be an interesting time for our relationship. I can't be with someone who isn't going to work his arse off to support my future family. I've always been upfront with this, so it won't be a big surprise and I don't think it's unfair to ask.

I've already updated my resume- why can't he update his three page (!!!) resume?

Oh- and you may be thinking, "but Deanna...come on...his mom has cancer. He's supporting her and helping her around the house right now." Nope- that's not happening either.

End of Cranky Rant.
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Re: I'm a cranky bird.

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    edited December 2011
    Yipes.
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    edited December 2011
    I totally get it, and I think you have every right to be worried/upset. I think talking to him, like you said, may be a good idea. Maybe because you're not married and don't have a family yet he isn't thinking about the need to support a family? Some guys just have trouble breaking the individual train of thought.

    And as for the not helping his mom around the house and everything..that is not really excusable. That absolutely needs addressed IMO.

    *HUGS!*
    5/27/12
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    edited December 2011
    Honestly, if you knew all of this going in, why did you move across states with him?
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    edited December 2011
    Lunar - I totally hear you on the whole needing him to "be a contributing member of this relationship and our future" thing. BF and I had that conversation a long time ago. I have learned that guys tend to take changes (like moves and new jobs) a lot slower that women and that the more you push, the more they resist. I like to call it the Peter Pan Syndrome...they just don't want to grow up until absolutely necessary.

    Thankfully BF went back to school and will be out and on a great career path in less than a year now. I can honestly look back and say I didn't push, which i'm glad about. I did let him know what I needed before even considering marriage, and I do think it's important to be honest about the roles you see each other having in said future marriage - but aside from that, patience is key. (Not easy, but key!)

    I hope he gets out of his rut soon! Until then, feel free to vent as much as necessary. And hey - now that you're actually here we should get together for coffee or something sometime soon!
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:e1b86710-ac94-4160-8f6c-e65a8daced49">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, if you knew all of this going in, why did you move across states with him?
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

    Because I'm really hopeful, very much in love, and mildly dumb. ;)

    I just asked him, "When are you going to update your resume?" And he said, "Today- before I go into Denver."

    I'm not mad- just a bit cranky. He always gets everything done that I ask him too and I don't mind asking. But I'm beginning to hate Civilization. I think he will get a job- he just operates a lot differently then I do.
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:30fa15a6-88f7-4053-84d2-1b549b54a54a">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]And hey - now that you're actually here we should get together for coffee or something sometime soon!
    Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

    ::claps:: I agree! Are there any movies that you want to see that are out?
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    Ollie08Ollie08 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    :::Hugs::: Sorry you have to deal with this. Hopefully he'll settle in and start to feel back to normal and get out there.

    I agree with giving him a few more days and then giving him a good kick in the pants. He needs to get motivated and he sounds a little like he's avoiding the stress of looking for a job and taking care of mom by burying his head in the sand (or video games). I hope things turn around for you!

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    edited December 2011
    Andrew sounds like my BF, pre-break up. He was doing stuff (mainly working a craptastic retail job that was going NOWHERE), and didn't seem to take it seriously. I think you need to have a serious (but not shrill) talk with Andrew about both of your expectations.
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
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    edited December 2011
    I do have to admit though- his mom is appearing not to need much assistance. However, on Wednesday- she is getting her port removed and a week after that- radiation will start. That might change everything.

    In the meantime, I have been doing the dishes and helping in any way that I can. Sons just behave a lot differently then daughters, I think. For the most part, I believe that daughters/women are natural caregivers- and sons/men aren't as good. ::shrugs:: It's a big generalization though, I know.
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:5de13a36-87cc-4f5f-8a13-026f9e0d919b">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Andrew sounds like my BF, pre-break up. He was doing stuff (mainly working a craptastic retail job that was going NOWHERE), and didn't seem to take it seriously.<strong> I think you need to have a serious (but not shrill) talk with Andrew about both of your expectations.
    </strong>Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

    Agreed. In fact, we're going to sit down with his entire family and have a discussion about expectations. I think his parents are also expecting him to be looking for a job while we are living rent-free under their roof. Only seems fair.

    And maybe to cut him some slack- he hasn't really had any downtime to play a few hours of videogames for over a week- since he started packing. We've been spending time with his family, cooking, ect. He "recharges his battery by having some alone time"

    So maybe after today he'll be all set to go. I'll keep you updated. :)
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    edited December 2011
    Agree with what has been said...

    You should be able to talk to him. If he knows that you have boundaries, he will probably try to please you within them. (IE: I need you to get a job in the next month so we can move out, and get life started!)

    I dunno.

    Men never respond well to harsh criticism and bribes. Best of luck... hugs.... feel ffree to vent away whenever you need :)
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:51b87e7e-1a6b-40d3-b2f4-2a221f6303df">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : ::claps:: I agree! Are there any movies that you want to see that are out?
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    The only thing i've seen in the theater in months is Kung Fu Panda 2...which I HIGHLY recommend! (I think it was just as good as the first!!)

    Anyway...i'm game for anything, as long as it's not scary because i'm a total wimp! haha. Any good chick flicks or funnies out right now? Anyone else have a recommendation?

    I only work 1/2 days on Fridays and have no solid plans for this coming Saturday...so PM me with what would work for you and we'll find a place to meet in the middle. BETH - any interest in a movie with Lunar and me? I have yet to meet you too!
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I was thinking Friday, because Andrew's parents want to have a leftover night. Boo. I hate leftovers.

    Who wants to fly out to CO to meet? LOL

    Maybe Midnight in Paris? I don't like Owen Wilson- but it looks like it has good reviews.
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    Hazel_BHazel_B member
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    edited December 2011
    Lunar, that sucks.

    I'm learning a whole new perspective on relationships reading Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice. It's by the same author as the Men are from Mars and Women are from venus. I'm just a couple chapters in but I've learned a lot about how hormones make us different. Apparently, men reduce their stress by sitting around whereas that same activity makes stress worse for women. Also, testosterone essentially causes the whole, must not plan anything and do everything in a emergency. To be honest, I hate learning that this behaviour is NORMAL for men because it drives me insane but I'm working on it. 

    Might be a good book to read so you can figure out ways to cope and not drive yourself crazy.
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    When I asked him about his resume- he sounded pretty jovial and not at all defensive. I will take this as a good sign.

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    edited December 2011
    Lunar - YGPM
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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:9d14be0d-9520-448f-b43f-e1ea47591bca">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : Agreed. In fact, we're going to sit down with his entire family and have a discussion about expectations. I think his parents are also expecting him to be looking for a job while we are living rent-free under their roof. Only seems fair. And maybe to cut him some slack- he hasn't really had any downtime to play a few hours of videogames for over a week- since he started packing. We've been spending time with his family, cooking, ect. <strong>He "recharges his battery by having some alone time" </strong>So maybe after today he'll be all set to go. I'll keep you updated. :)
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    I totally understand this. This is me, too. Classic introvert.

    I think he probably just needs time to adjust to the move, and it's got to be hard dealing with his mom being sick.

    Nursey is absolutely right that men don't respond well to bribes or harsh criticism, let alone threats or cajoling. He does sounds like he needs a kick in the pants, after maybe a little more time adjusting. However, you can't really outwardly kick a dude in the pants, usually, and expect good results. (I mean figuratively speaking; a literal kick would probably be even worse. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />)

    He's said he needs you to let him do it on his own, and I think that's valid. I think if after another week or so, he's still not making progress, you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Use "I feel" statements. Once he knows how you feel, give him a chance to make some strides. He'll do much better in the long run if he feels he's taking intiative on his own and for himself as well as you.

    I would also suggest counseling if he's open to it. It's tough having a parent struggling with cancer. I know that, being unemployed, it might be tough to make that happen in terms of money or insurance covering it.

    That's the best advice I can think of right now. HUGS and good luck.
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:1f526b73-1335-480e-b28e-017c17d109ec">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lunar - YGPM
    Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

    Right back at ya!
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
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    edited December 2011
    You guys have some kick butt advice! I'm so glad to have you all in my life! And I'm glad you also understand Andrew's prespective as well and don't say, "Kick him to the curb, silly girl!" He's still very much worth my time.

    I have faith in him- he just works on a very different timeline then me.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:55163710-1455-47f3-83e3-96239cd13a13">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : Right back at ya!
    Posted by lunarsongbird[/QUOTE]

    and back to you!
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    IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    First Comment First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    HAHA... Sorry, I find this amusing though.... SO is more like you, Lunar, while I am like Andrew. :-P I HAVE to do things in my own timeframe, and it's a little on the slower pace (work related) than SO. It drives him to madness lol.

    Give him some adjusting time, and talk to him... you know me, communication is my big thing....

    :) *hugs* And I would TOTALLY fly out to CO if I could!!
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-cranky-bird?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d5e8dde-ef95-4438-a7a4-d522f58d2b9cPost:cbb26d24-6578-4f37-b399-efcac0ac806a">Re: I'm a cranky bird.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm a cranky bird. : and back to you!
    Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

    Tag. You're It.

    Oh- I forgot to tell you ladies some good news!

    Javier is letting me use sick days for the three days I missed while moving! Yay!
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh- and the other good thing is that Andrew went out to open a checking account and told me he would bring me back lunch. Win!
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry you're cranky today.  Perhaps he just needs some time to adjust after the move? 
    Daisypath Vacation tickers 4 Leaf Clover
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    edited December 2011
    Sorry you are cranky.  Perhaps give him the benefit of doubt for a week, see what progress he makes, and the steps he takes towards finding a job.  I can't speak for the CO job market or the industry he is in, times are hard so it may take awhile for something to stick.  If after a week on his own, he isn't being aggressive enough I would really press on him about expectations and his progress.  I hope things do work out for  a job for him soon.   

    Anniversary

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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yup, I think you ladies are right- some adjustment time is in order.

    In the meantime- I'm gonna continue my adjustment time, which includes applying for jobs, working from home (which isn't actually as cool as I thought it was going to be...with his parents home), hanging out with Allusive (!! YAY! And Beth?? Hm?), and I joined a few meetup groups!

    What do you all do when you need to "rechange your battery?"
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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    How do all you ladies meet up? That sounds fun!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Allusive, Beth and I happen to be in Colorado on the Front Range, so it's a drivable distance.

    There are quite a few ladies from Boston.

    And I can't remember if anyone else from NEY is from Arkansas.

    We've talked about a vacation where we would meetup before. And I know in the past- some people have gone to other's weddings.

    The girls on here are just as much of my friends as any I have "IRL."

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    laceesethlaceeseth member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Stink. No one is ever from Arkansas. *sigh*
    Wedding Countdown Ticker "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day." -The Notebook
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    edited December 2011
    First, let him zone a little. After all the sorting, boxing, showing up at the house, etc he is just regrouping. Most women regroup by talking/doing/etc. Most men I know just retreat into Sim city, Farmville, Angry Birds, or whatever is on a computer. If after a week or two after the move he's not doing anything simply ask him his timeline and start the conversation there. Second, he's home. He's used to just sliding into the household and they are acting like the family unit they have been before you were around. Hopefully as his family needs it he'll step up. Honestly sometimes it makes it easier on the parents when you fall into the old roles at first then adjust to being the grownups. It's a lot of adjustments for you. I'm actually in Denver/Golden CO despite the profile and if you need a cheap night out or hike or to visit the Botanic Gardens just let me know :-) Give yourself a couple of weeks to just breathe, make checklists, get to know the family dynamics, and get to love our awesome state. -from a CA transplant
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