How to drop the hint?

missescool08

I'm not sure if I fit in here or not, but where else would I ask this? haha!

My boyfriend and I are planning to get engaged in November, I know how weird is that! He let it slip one night after one too many beers that he wanted to marry me, and he wished he could ask then but didn't have a ring, and he was going to ask in November, too funny! I already knew it was coming, but never said anything.

We've been together since Nov 09, so not yet a year. We met in November, he met my 2 boys (2 and 3) right before Christmas, and soon after moved in. He is nothing short of amazing and is the only father my kids have in their life. He has stepped up like no other and he makes me so unbelievably proud! I have always taken everyday for what it's worth and NEVER pressured him into anything, which seemed to have worked! LOL

I have a ring in mind I want, THIS RING:
http://www.moissaniteco.com/tiffany-ribbon-inspired-round-moissanite-engagement-ring-p-8046.html

It's moissanite and I LOVE it, it's my dream ring! He knows I do not under any circumstances want a real diamond, but I showed him this ring last night and he said it was "hideous" how do I let him know this is it? What if he already has a ring picked out (I don't think he does) or what if he's planning to use an antique??

Can I just be blunt? Part of me want to let him pick out the ring but I'm scared I won't like it! I want NOTHING to do with the engagement and want a complete suprise, but really really want this ring! Advice?

noelle24

You can't have it both ways.  Either you want input on the ring or you want a complete surprise.  If you've already shown him a picture of this ring, then why don't the two of you sit down and look at pictures of ring styles to find something you BOTH like.  It doesn't mean you have to pick out THE ring together, but it will help him learn your style.

Honestly, I wouldn't want something on my finger that my FI thought was hideous.  The ring is a symbol of the committment BOTH of you are making, and therefore you should be (at least in part) a reflection of what he likes as well.

On other things... well, I'll play nice today.

catemeg

If he's blunt enough to tell you when he's going to propose, you can be blunt enough to tell him what styles you like.

Better yet, go shopping together.  I wouldn't want to wear a ring my guy hated, even if I loved it.  There's a lot that can be done with moissanite in other settings, and you can even do another type of stone (sapphire, ruby, emerald, etc.) in just about any setting.  I'd want to pick something out that we both loved.

loves2shop4shoes

I agree with PPs.  I wouldn't want a ring that my SO thought was hideous.  Go shopping together so you can find some ring styles that you both like.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that he's asking you to marry him and that the two of your want to spend your lives together.  Don't lose perspective over a piece of rock.

missescool08

On other things? I guess I don't get it, you don't have to be nice I can take the heat! 


We have talked about it, he wanted to get a solitaire but I asked him not to, which was really my only MAJOR request....

GreenPepperBurger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_drop-hint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3deb40c7-2141-4e41-8cbb-4f8e18c363a1Post:58aa1ab8-b609-43e4-ab65-a9cd5e75fbe3">Re: How to drop the hint?</a>:
[QUOTE]You can't have it both ways.  Either you want input on the ring or you want a complete surprise.  If you've already shown him a picture of this ring, then why don't the two of you sit down and look at pictures of ring styles to find something you BOTH like.  It doesn't mean you have to pick out THE ring together, but it will help him learn your style. Honestly, I wouldn't want something on my finger that my FI thought was hideous.  The ring is a symbol of the committment BOTH of you are making, and therefore you should be (at least in part) a reflection of what he likes as well. <strong>On other things... well, I'll play nice today.</strong>
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

This.

missescool08

I have no idea what yall are talking about? Just say it? It's kind of like a game of "Ohhh I have a secret, but I'm not telling!"

catemeg

I believe you're getting the side-eye for moving in a boyfriend into the house with your two young children after a month of dating.  It's great that he's turned into such a great father-figure and is good with your boys, but it seems sort of risky after only a month of dating.  How well can you truly know him after that short period of time?

My boyfriend's mother moved in her boyfriend after 3 weeks of dating when my boyfriend was 7 years old.  That man verbally abused my boyfriend for years, and beat the crap out of him whenever his mother wasn't around.  Because she was so desperate for love, she overlooked our own child's needs.  We don't know you, and we don't know your boyfriend, but this happens far too often.  I think there's a fair bit of skepticism about moving a near stranger into a home with your children.

missescool08

Ohhh, you could have just said that! Well, sometimes you just know. He wasn't a complete stranger, we had many mutual friends. His mother works with adults who are mentally handicapped, his sister is a special education teacher. They are kind people, who have opened their arms to us from day 1.

That said, It's not been a month now, it's been nine plus. I wouldn't move some complete stanger who I knew nothing about in with my kids, and I'm well aware things like this happen, but you also have many stories of people who have wonderful loving step parents. I didn't just run off and make him my babysitter the first month, I'm a stay at home mom, so I was here constantly and my parents live right next door.

There is not one person in our "real life" who has questioned us for a minute, including my sons biological fathers family. If anyone would have something to say about it, it would be them! He is the kindest person I have ever met.

jeanacorina

Yes, I think the side-eye is about the speed of your relationship when kids are involved.

Anyway, about the ring. Have you told him what you like IN GENERAL? You've said you don't want a diamond. Have you tried on rings to see what looks good on you? Round or square stones? Solitaire or sidestones? You may change your mind once you see it on your hand.

I spent a lot of time showing my husband ring styles I wanted. And I found THE ring. But guess what? He didn't get me THE ring. He chose a ring for me that met all the basic requirements: yellow gold, square stone, small side stones (not taking away from the focus of the center stone).

The only thing he didn't listen to was that I didn't want a high setting. Oh, well. My ring is gorgeous. I might not have picked it for myself if I had to think about it, but if you spun me around in a jewelry store and said "QUICK! Pick a ring!" this is probably the one I would have gone for in a snap. It's everything I wanted in one, but not at all what I expected (heck, I expected a moissanite and I got a diamond!).

You will love the ring he gives you because it's from him. Because he's asking you to marry him and giving you a gift.

As long as you give him some guidelines on what you like, and as long as he listens, you won't hate your ring. You'll be thrilled that he took initiative to find something for you himself.

Then again, maybe he already picked a ring. Maybe he's making payments. Maybe he has a certain budget. Do you know these things?

I gave my husband a maximum, because I knew he felt like the size and price of the ring said something about him as a man. Whoopie-do. I told him "If you spend over $1,000 on whatever it is, I will physically harm you and we will take it back and get something more reasonable."

He spent just about exactly $1,000. lol

catemeg

About the ring, have you tried any on?  What I thought I loved is not at all what I liked on my finger.  Also look at it with wedding bands because ultimately that's the goal - if the ring doesn't work with any wedding bands, then you're not going to be wearing it beyond the engagement period, which seems like a waste.

Even if he won't go ring shopping with you (which I highly recommend) then you should go by yourself.  Then you both should sit down and look at styles online or in a magazine.  Talk to him about how he wants to pick it out - buy it together, pick it out together but he buys it, pick out a few styles which he chooses between, you having some input on styles and general types, or no input at all (which clearly is not how you prefer it).

missescool08

I guess I am over reacting! I know he knows the basics: white gold, moissanite, vintage looking...I know he at least knows that much! lol

As far as budget, no I don't know, but I have let him know over 1,500 is unacceptable to me. He has been saving money, but that is nothing off for him, I imagine I will know something is up because he just can't keep a secret very well! lol

He said something about his grandpa wanting to buy the ring, because that's what he did for his brother when he got married, which sounds weird to me, but whatever I guess!

missescool08

The problem with trying things on, is that moissanite is not just like a diamond, and trying on quality moissanite around here is pretty much not going to happen. We live in a small town. I guess it couldn't hurt to try on the diamonds though. I like the idea of making a list of options, I will have to mention that to him! Even if he didn't pick one of those exact rings it would give him a clear idea of what I like..I know I don't awnt anything over 1 carat center  stone, I wear a size 4.5 ring and it would look too bulky I think!

deburnin

BF and I went looking at rings the other day. I don't want to know what he's getting and he's even said I don't get to choose "the one." I found one I want to try on and he asked if he took me to see it if I would stop looking at rings and let him pick it out. lol We're going to look at it later this week. 

Looking at rings together doesn't mean you'll have any idea what he's going to end up getting you. Heck he could say he absolutely hates the ring you like just to throw you off! I could see my BF doing something like that.

jeanacorina

Try on diamonds. It's not really the stone itself you're looking at. It's the size, cut, setting, and so on.

It will really help you guys clarify what you want.

Edit- I forgot to say, TRY ON EVERYTHING... even things you don't think you'd like. You'd be surprised! The same goes for wedding gown shopping when you get there. Just try on everything.

its apelila

I worked with a local independent jeweler to build my moissanite E-ring.  She ordered in several stones from Moissanite.com for me to see and compare before purchasing.  My FI told me he wanted me to love my ring since I would be the one wearing it all the time, but it was important for me that he like it as well.  Fortunately, he does!

catemeg

Exactly what Jeana says - it's about finding out what style you like, not the exact ring.  I thought I really wanted something criss-crossing (I like the symbolism of two lives crossing) and saw rings online that I loved but I really hated it on my finger.  Especially when paired with a wedding band.  I also very quickly realized that the pretty designs that are more of a "cathedral" setting (aka raised up from the band) were totally not my style - I needed something much more low profile.  That's not something I could have gotten from pictures, and definitely not something that would be affected by diamonds vs. moisonnite.  To be honest, most of the rings I tried on didn't even have center stones in them yet.

[Deleted User]

My FI and I never really talked specifics about rings.  If I saw a ring in an ad when he was over (on TV or in a print ad), I'd make a comment about it, telling him if I liked it or not.  We would talk in general about jewelry because I don't wear a lot of jewelry due to my sensitive skin and I'm allergic to nickel.

I found out in March that he was saving for a ring (don't know when he started saving for it, one of my bridesmaids asked him point blank, without my knowledge, if he was saving for a ring and he admitted to her that he was - she in turn made sure I knew what he had said).  Money has been really tight for both of us for quite some time and I had hinted several times that I didn't need a ring (but that's been something I've felt for a long time, I didn't care if I had a ring or not).  He told me (after we got engaged) that it was important to him that I have a ring.

FI picked out my ring all by himself (he showed it to my mom after he got it - the only thing he asked her before he got it was what size to get).  He told me that he saw the ring online then went into the store to see it in person.  He then went home to do some research to make sure there would be no nickel (he got me a sterling silver ring) and then went back to the store again to buy it.  He said he chose the ruby center stone because it was my birth stone and chose the heart setting so that I would always have his heart with me (cheesy, I know, but I love it).

run21

Curious - how old are you?

Buy yourself the moissanite. Marry the man. Done.

joiner521

Shut up and be thankful. I was blessed with 2 carats. Soe people get cubic zurconion.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_drop-hint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3deb40c7-2141-4e41-8cbb-4f8e18c363a1Post:d479d907-7925-405d-8885-8ba2519ce8f5">Re: How to drop the hint?</a>:
[QUOTE]Exactly what Jeana says - it's about finding out what style you like, not the exact ring.  I thought I really wanted something criss-crossing (I like the symbolism of two lives crossing) and saw rings online that I loved but I really hated it on my finger.  Especially when paired with a wedding band.  I also very quickly realized that the pretty designs that are more of <strong>a "cathedral" setting (aka raised up from the band) were totally not my style - I needed something much more low profile.</strong>  That's not something I could have gotten from pictures, and definitely not something that would be affected by diamonds vs. moisonnite.  To be honest, most of the rings I tried on didn't even have center stones in them yet.
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

Just want to clarify here -- as I understand, cathedral doesn't NECESSARILY refer to how high the setting is off the band. It refers to having additional structure to the side of the setting head/basket. The heads/baskets themselves are not ALWAYS higher than those in a non-cathedral setting.

The additional structure can help protect prongs and center stones from wear and tear.




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OP -- to answer your question -- just tell him! "I just want you to know that this is my favorite." That's all you have to say. I'm sure if he gets you something different, you will still love it.

misskrysbaby

With my fiancé, we talked about it for about 2-3 months, I just told him the kind of band I liked, the shape of diamond, a general price range. He would send me links of rings and asked if I liked this setting or that band. And then, he went and built the ring himself, taking from my comments on what I liked, and also incorporating some things he wanted to see on me.

The best thing you can do is just try different types of stones, settings, everything and let him know what you like. Most likely he's wanting to pick the ring himself, so just be patient. After you tell him what you like, the only other thing you can do is wait. I know it's hard but you can't pressure him with showing him twenty different rings, all kinds of settings and whatnot, trying to get him to propose. You can only let him know so much and then, you just have to let him take the wheel. Good luck!

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_drop-hint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3deb40c7-2141-4e41-8cbb-4f8e18c363a1Post:4d397fcf-5806-4f44-9088-c07e05bf235e">Re: How to drop the hint?</a>:
[QUOTE]Shut up and be thankful. I was blessed with 2 carats. Soe people get cubic zurconion.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

<div>Wow, someone is being an asshat today.  If you can't give constructive feedback, or spell properly then don't bother responding.  kthx.</div>

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_drop-hint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3deb40c7-2141-4e41-8cbb-4f8e18c363a1Post:4d397fcf-5806-4f44-9088-c07e05bf235e">Re: How to drop the hint?</a>:
[QUOTE]Shut up and be thankful. I was blessed with 2 carats. Soe people get cubic zurconion.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]


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PaigeMcC

BAHAHAHA @Oceana.

Acrosthec

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_drop-hint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3deb40c7-2141-4e41-8cbb-4f8e18c363a1Post:4d397fcf-5806-4f44-9088-c07e05bf235e">Re: How to drop the hint?</a>:
[QUOTE]Shut up and be thankful. I was blessed with 2 carats. Soe people get cubic zurconion.
Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

Aren't you the one who wanted to fly to NY to see a Cartier ring, or am I confusing you with someone else?  Glad that seems to have worked out for you.  Regardless, this is not helpful advice to the OP, and is downright rude.  Grow up.


OP, the other posters have given you great advice, and I hope you take it to heart.  Figure out what styles you like best, and share that with your BF.  I'm sure whatever he picks you will love as long as he understands what you like (and he should).  He may have balked at the ring you showed him because he's already making payments on a different ring, you never know.

I also wanted to echo Cate's advice about trying on different styles with wedding bands.  I adore my heirloom ring, but it was my grandmother's engagement ring AND wedding band because they just didn't have the money for both.  I'm having my uncle use another heirloom ring to custom-make a wedding band, but it's taking longer than expected.  As it is, the earliest I will get to see it/try it on is 3 days before our wedding.  At worst, it may not be done even by then and I may just not have a wedding band the day of our wedding (and use my e-ring instead).  Trying on styles to make sure they fit with bands is possibly the only thing I regret about getting an heirloom ring.

GL!

catemeg

Acro, I'd love to see your ring.  I just stalked your bio hoping for a pic, but I can't seem to find one.  I love heirloom rings!

Acrosthec

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_drop-hint?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3deb40c7-2141-4e41-8cbb-4f8e18c363a1Post:1b5b39ce-a425-4280-9886-a69faab591e8">Re: How to drop the hint?</a>:
[QUOTE]Acro, I'd love to see your ring.  I just stalked your bio hoping for a pic, but I can't seem to find one.  I love heirloom rings!
Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

Sorry for the temporary AW threadjack, OP.  Here you go, Cate!  My ring is from 1941.  It's yellow gold that was dipped and made to look white.  When these were taken, the yellow was coming through.  It's been re-dipped for the wedding, obviously.  :-)  Let's see...the setting is called a "miracle square" and the center diamond is .1 carat, I color, with visible flaws.  But really, see what I mean when I tell other posters that you'll never know until you see it on your hand?  I can't imagine something too much bigger on my hand without it coming off as costume jewelry, but also not a jewelry person and wear VERY little to begin with.


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catemeg

Acro, that is really stunning!  Very classy, and the fact that it's your grandmother's makes it that much more meaningful.

To speak to our dear favorite troll joiner, and to agree with Acro's point, I might be in the minority, but I'm actually kind of disappointed by the size of the diamond I'll be getting.  I'd prefer something much smaller.  We will be using my great-grandmother's diamond, though the setting is not at all something I'd like - it's three bands bonded together so it's super thick, with a "sunbeam" like design with smaller diamonds around the center stone.  Definitely too much for me.  The center stone is 1.5 carats I've found out - yipes!  If I had my choice, I'd honestly have chosen .75 carats.  But I really like the meaning of the stone - it was my great-grandmother's ring for her 56 years of marriage, and she offered it to my father when he told her that he was going to propose to my mother, but my Dad said she wore it every day and he wasn't going to take it from her.  She passed away a week after my parents got engaged, so it has been in my mother's jewelry box for the 30 years she's been with my father.  Two very wonderful marriages (and conveniently skipped my grandmother, who has been married 4 times... so far...) and I look forward to wearing it for many more years!

mandi921vh

I think in today's world most engagements are not out of the blue. My Fiance and I talked about marriage a lot before we were engaged, it is a big decision and it should be discussed. I always thought I would want my Fiance to surprise me with a ring he picked out himself but about a year before we were engaged he accidently left his computer screen open when he left and when I went to use it there was an engagement ring he had been looking at on the screen. It was horrifically ugly. I love my Fiance dearly but he is not very good at picking out jewelry. Over the next few months I looked at rings online and then together we eventually went to the jeweler to get my size and try on various rings. We picked out the ring together, I think it's important we both like the ring, after all it represents our love, and I will be wearing it forever! I knew the proposal was coming I just didn't know when. When my Fiance did propose it was very romantic and I was totally caught off guard, I thought he was waiting a few more months.