Too Harsh?? Long.. *Updated*

coastiegrl25

Some of you may remember the problems I am having with my Mother. This past Wednesday was the last time I've talked to her. We were chit-chatting and I asked when she was going to be off next and she replied the next day but I'm going to go to the deer woods to go hunting (which is something she never ever does, she won't shoot anything.) I replied, "Oh I thought that maybe we could spend some time together" well she said that she wanted to go at least once, so I said that It seems like she could go another time when I wasn't down from Jersey, she said nothing and said she had to go take a shower and go to bed. This is the last I've heard from her until a text today.

Now, here is the conversation..mom is in red, I am in blue..
'what are you doing" I didnt respond since I was at the dentist
"well I guess you aren't going to talk to me now, I love you"
"Oh?! You're ready to talk to me now? After 5 days? And I'm supposed to just feel like talking to u after u obviously put me on the back burner.  I'm obviously not that important to you anymore and I get that.  I love you, but you're hurting me.  I'm only down here a short period of time. And u can't sacrifice a little time from him for me.  So when u decide u actually want to work on our relationship let me know."

So was I too harsh in my reply? She hasn't replied back at all and this was a couple of hours ago.  I am trying sooo hard to save my relationship with her, and have been so nice and patient. Ugh, I just really don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for "listening"

loopy82

I don't think it was too harsh. But then again I don't have a relationship with my mom were we tippy toe around what we say either. Sometimes you need to be harsh with some people to get through to them.

HeartOverMind

No, I don't think you were harsh at all.  Maybe your mom will get a wake-up call from what you said.  You were very mature and voiced your concern and hurt in a respectful manner.

I'm really sorry that your mom treats you like that. I hope you two can work it out.

calindi

I dunno, I feel like it was a little harsh.  I also choose not to communicate via texts or email for more than a simple exchange, like:
"Where are we meeting?" 
"Joe's Coffee Shop"
"Okay, at 8pm?" 
"Yep"

It helps people from misinterpreting tones and twisting words around.  I'd call your Mom and actually talk to her.

heyimbren

Yeah, I agree with Cate. It wasn't a terrible text, but it's the kind of text I'd send when I was mad at someone and trying to contain my anger. But doing a bad job at it, and I regret that later.

bethsmiles

Honestly, it sounds like an immature response to me. Obviously you're upset but I don't that was the best way to handle it. I think you should call her and let her know why you responded that way. IDK. I hate texting. Its the worst way to communicate with someone, especially when you are trying to work on the relationship. I wouldn've just texted back, "I'm at the dentist, I'll call you when I"m done."

I'm not say that your emotions are out of place I just don't think that text is going to help anything.

HeartOverMind

I agree with PPs that you should have a real conversation with your mom, but as far as the text goes I thought it was fine. Your mom is acting like she doesn't want to spend time with you and that would kill me if my mom did that to me. I would be so angry and upset. So considering all the emotions you were probably feeling, that text was pretty tame.

coastiegrl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_harsh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3e1d3a8c-fea6-4e1c-87e4-aaac95f834adPost:d2a68d56-140f-4830-943d-371f6a247baa">Re: Too Harsh?? Long..</a>:
[QUOTE]I dunno, I feel like it was a little harsh.  I also choose not to communicate via texts or email for more than a simple exchange, like: "Where are we meeting?"  "Joe's Coffee Shop" "Okay, at 8pm?"  "Yep" It helps people from misinterpreting tones and twisting words around.  I'd call your Mom and actually talk to her.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I know what you're saying, and I should and probably will.  Sometimes with me it's better for it to be text so that I have to really think about what I say first. When I talk on the phone sometimes I just get carried away and say things that are more hurtful than the text.  I'm just so tired of being the one to always call her and be the bigger person. This has to end though, I'm just not used to not having my mom there to always talk to about everything or her not wanting to. Thanks for the advice ladies. I really appreciate it.  I can't really talk to anyone around here about it because everyone is so mad at her it just fuels the fire and doesn't give me another way to look at it. 

sapphirebaby926

Uh, yeah I think that was a little harsh honestly. If it were me I would have picked up the phone and called her rather than send a nasty text.

calindi

Write a letter if you're having a hard time communicating what you need to say.  Or write down bullet points, and use them as a guide when you're talking to her. 

But it's a cop out saying that it's better to communicate via text - there's no good reason to communicate about an issue over texts or emails.  It makes problems a lot worse, and allows people to twist words around and interpret things with worse intentions then they were meant to have.

She's blown you off, sure, and deserved to be confronted about it.  But what you did was rather passive aggressive - you waited until she contacted you, stewing over the fact that she hadn't talked to you in 5 days, and then blew up at her.  She did reach out to you, to be fair, it just wasn't when you originally wanted or in the way you wanted.  If her not talking to you had been an issue during those 5 days, you should have picked up the phone and called her.  By waiting until she contacted you to then get mad at her, you were being passive aggressive.  I have no patience for passive aggressive behavior.

leia1979

I agree with Sapphire. Texts should be more for straight info, since you lose all the nonverbal cues. I think you need to have an acutal conversation with your mom. Face to face would be best, if possible.

loves2shop4shoes

I don't think it was too harsh, but I don't think it was particularly productive.  

I don't get along with my mom super well, so I sort of revert back to "You did X.  It made me feel like Y because ABC.  I hope that you won't do it again."

coastiegrl25

Thanks ladies. I will call her, and yes Calindi I was being passive aggresive.  She is the only person in the world that has me acting that way. I  usually never take the passive aggresive route in any situation but her.  Thanks for making me re-evaluate the situation and what I was doing. I just kind of acted out in an "in the moment" thing and now idk how to fix it.  I guess to apologize for the "how" I did it, but I will not apologize for what I said. 

calindi

Glad you're going to talk to her about it!  I think you're absolutely right - you can tell her that it isn't fair how you approached her about it, but you were frustrated and lashed out and regret that.  No need to apologize for being upset - you aren't sorry you're mad at her, and you have every reason to be upset!

I completely understand - we all have our passive-aggressive moments, but it's important to recognize it and deal with it in a more mature way.  Trust me, the one person who can make me passive aggressive is my grandmother, and in her case I don't care enough to fix the relationship, so it's more passive ignorance.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_harsh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3e1d3a8c-fea6-4e1c-87e4-aaac95f834adPost:5d91daba-8707-414c-b5cd-032b09593020">Too Harsh?? Long..</a>:
[QUOTE]Some of you may remember the problems I am having with my Mother. This past Wednesday was the last time I've talked to her. We were chit-chatting and I asked when she was going to be off next and she replied the next day but I'm going to go to the deer woods to go hunting (which is something she never ever does, she won't shoot anything.) I replied, "Oh I thought that maybe we could spend some time together" well she said that she wanted to go at least once, so I said that It seems like she could go another time when I wasn't down from Jersey, she said nothing and said she had to go take a shower and go to bed.

<strong>This whole conversation is passive aggressive. It's like you're trying to trap her into saying she has other plans so you can be hurt by that and make it all her fault. What do you expect? She's a grown woman who is entitled to make plans for herself and not want to change them at the last minute to accommodate you.

It would have been healthier to simply say BEFORE YOU PLANNED YOUR TRIP:  "I'd like to spend some time with you. What does your schedule look like?" and then try to find a time that worked well for BOTH of you.
</strong>
This is the last I've heard from her until a text today. Now, here is the conversation..mom is in red, I am in blue.. 'what are you doing" I didnt respond since I was at the dentist "well I guess you aren't going to talk to me now, I love you" "Oh?! You're ready to talk to me now? After 5 days? And I'm supposed to just feel like talking to u after u obviously put me on the back burner.  I'm obviously not that important to you anymore and I get that.  I love you, but you're hurting me.  I'm only down here a short period of time. And u can't sacrifice a little time from him for me.  So when u decide u actually want to work on our relationship let me know." So was I too harsh in my reply? She hasn't replied back at all and this was a couple of hours ago.  I am trying sooo hard to save my relationship with her, and have been so nice and patient. Ugh, I just really don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for "listening"

<strong>Again, you waited for her to act and then jumped all over her about it. A better way to handle the situation is simply to ask for what you want from her, ask what she wants from you, and then together discuss ways you can both feel happy with how much time you spend on the phone or together. Sometimes all it takes is clear communication and advanced planning.

I really think you could benefit from working together on establishing healthy boundaries. Here is a couple link to explain what I mean:

<a href="http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/" rel="nofollow">http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/</a>

And a popular book that talks about this in more depth:

<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454" rel="nofollow">http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454</a>

HTH!


</strong>
Posted by coastiegrl25[/QUOTE]

coastiegrl25

Ugh, Desert. Thanks for the links I read the link and will be ordering the book.  From what you said, I did do that but didn't realize it.  Like sub-conciously wanting her to change her plans to be with me.  That was me being self-ish.  It doesn't help that I cant stand the guy she cheated with and left my dad for. I was wanting her to forget about him and want to spend some time with me.  Which I feel she should want to do instead of me asking her to do it.  I have a lot of things to think about now, and I really appreciate it. I am trying sooo hard to fight for our relationship and I TRULY thank ya'll for opening my eyes to all of this so that I don't hinder our relationship any further. 

coastiegrl25

I have no idea why my posts are being centered. Weird.  Oh and I tried to call her and she didn't answer...maybe she will call back shortly and I can update about how it went. 

desertsun

Good for you, Coastie, for being open to learning new and more constuctive ways of dealing with your mom. I think that's an important step, and you should be proud of yourself!

I know it must be very painful to have such a tough situation with your mom. I'm sorry.

I'm really glad however that you feel like you can get the support and advice you need here.

I hope you and your mom can find a way to heal and improve your relationship.

*hugs*

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_harsh-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3e1d3a8c-fea6-4e1c-87e4-aaac95f834adPost:f71ff7db-2071-413c-9192-ec561cfb98ac">Re: Too Harsh?? Long..</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, it sounds like an immature response to me. Obviously you're upset but I don't that was the best way to handle it. I think you should call her and let her know why you responded that way. IDK. I hate texting. Its the worst way to communicate with someone, especially when you are trying to work on the relationship. I wouldn've just texted back, "I'm at the dentist, I'll call you when I"m done." I'm not say that your emotions are out of place I just don't think that text is going to help anything.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

This.

It wasn't totally over the top but it was a bit immature for sure. Understandable that you would be upset because you perceived she was blowing you off; especially when you have limited time there. I would mostly likely be irritated too. Texting is definitely not the way to have that conversation - I agree with just texting back and saying I apologize, I'm at the dentist and I'll call you when I'm done.

I hope you guys did end up talking! Please keep us updated, I know how hard it is to have a strained relationship with a parent.  :) GL

Blue & White

I text my mom all the time...but I usually talk to her occasionally as well.  However, I'd never send a text like that to her.  And not just because it's in gross text-speak (my mom uses text-speak more than I do...)

I'm glad you're going to talk to her about it, but make sure you realize that she doesn't have to drop everything to see you either.  It'd be nice, but it's not required.

coastiegrl25

I did talk to her last night.  I called twice and she finally answered.  She apologized first hand for making me the feel the way she did. I apologized for sending the text the way I did, but not for what I said. She said she completly understands the reason I feel the way I do. Then she said she promises she is going to try and start spending time with me and that this time she means it.  I hope she does, she has made this promised this before and with the same result. So the little girl in me wants to believe her, and the grown up me is still very cautious. She asked if I wanted to do anything Friday so I guess we will see where it goes from there.

Thanks for all the advice. It really helped me out a lot.

calindi

Don't start out skeptical - just realize the limitations of the relationship and work around them.  If you want to spend time with your Mom, then make a point to schedule it.  Don't keep hoping she'll turn into something she's not - if she's never been good at taking the initiative, then it's not likely she'll start.  But once you're spending time with her, it won't matter so much who asked who.

Trust me, we all have disfunctional relationships with at least someone in our family.  You have to realize the limitations of that person and realize what you want out of the relationship and what is within your control.  You can only do what is within your control - don't start out expecting her to fail or building up your expectations that she'll change completely.  Approach the situation realistically and maturely, and take the steps necessary to build the relationship on your own terms.

Good luck!