FTP, issue with FMIL

ashleyromero1987

Sorry to introduce myself this way, but I've GOT to get this off my chest.

Wee bit of back story:

I've been on this site for over a year cause I was MOH for my best friend (wedding was called off) but today is my first time being on the message boards, and I feel like I can come to you ladies about my frustration.

My BF and I (23 and 24, respectfully) will make 5 years in Feb. We had the same apartment for about three and a half years, but it was bought out by a big Realtor company. We had two months to buy our place at $20,000 over market price, pay $300 more a month, or move. We elected to move, and had no choice but stay with his mom for a few months. She and I get along great, she refers to me as her FDIL, we're very open to one another.

BUT! We've been here about a month, and it's wearing me thin. For instance, I love taking care of my BF, cooking and cleaning and having coffee ready for him before work...I don't get to do anything anymore. She is totally momma hen-ing him! Yesterday I got home from work ready to do laundry, but she went into our bedroom and bathroom while i was gone, got all of our clothes, and washed Every. Single. Thing. She tells him what to do with our money. Plus, when he isn't around, she spends that time telling me I need to go back to school for what she thinks would be a good career, and that I need to give up on photography (my current career) cause she doesn't think it's practical. Also, she reserved the apartment next door to her for us, and made herself a key already. This is literally like Everybody Loves Raymond, without a hint of the humor. He keeps telling me to tell her something about it, but I don't feel it's appropriate cause she's not my mom. He has a huge problem with being treated like a kid, also, but won't bring it up.

I'm going nuts. We have at LEAST two more months to go

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ftp-issue-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3eecd1db-206d-4dd6-8a4d-6671840d6be1Post:4d7398c4-d194-4e54-8944-e3366957581e">FTP, issue with FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry to introduce myself this way, but I've GOT to get this off my chest. Wee bit of back story: I've been on this site for over a year cause I was MOH for my best friend (wedding was called off) but today is my first time being on the message boards, and I feel like I can come to you ladies about my frustration. My BF and I (23 and 24, respectfully) will make 5 years in Feb. We had the same apartment for about three and a half years, but it was bought out by a big Realtor company. We had two months to buy our place at $20,000 over market price, pay $300 more a month, or move. We elected to move, and had no choice but stay with his mom for a few months. She and I get along great, she refers to me as her FDIL, we're very open to one another. BUT! We've been here about a month, and it's wearing me thin. For instance, I love taking care of my BF, cooking and cleaning and having coffee ready for him before work...I don't get to do anything anymore. She is totally momma hen-ing him! Yesterday I got home from work ready to do laundry, and went into our bedroom and bathroom, got all of our clothes, and washed Every. Single. Thing. She tells him what to do with our money. Plus, when he isn't around, she spends that time telling me I need to go back to school for what she thinks would be a good career, and that I need to give up on photography (my current career) cause she doesn't think it's practical. Also, she reserved the apartment next door to her for us, and made herself a key already. This is literally like Everybody Loves Raymond, without a hint of the humor. He keeps telling me to tell her something about it, but I don't feel it's appropriate cause she's not my mom. <strong>He has a huge problem with being treated like a kid, also, but won't bring it up.</strong> I'm going nuts. We have at LEAST two more months to go :(
Posted by ashleyromero1987[/QUOTE]

He needs to bring it up.  He needs to talk to her about boundaries.  Politely, because she is housing you at the moment.

Politely decline the close apartment.  Come up with a good excuse.

calindi

Yikes!  I just spent 4 days with my BF's family and 5 days with mine, and that was enough for me!  We plan to live with my parents for 3 months shortly after getting married, but we'll have our own wing and a strict set of rules on who gets to do what (i.e. stay the hell out of our bedroom).

I can totally understand why this is frustrating.  And it sounds like he understands, too, but doesn't want to stand up to Mommy Dearest.  But guess what?  It's his mother, he's got to dictate the rules of the relationship.  Otherwise it becomes a tug-of-war between Mom and Girlfriend, and no one wins then.  I get that he doesn't want to rock the boat, but a straightforward heart-to-heart with his Mom can spare everyone some discomfort.  I'm sure she's just trying to make the best of the situation and is totally well intentioned, but it's understandably starting to smother you.

Have him tell his Mom that he really appreciates all she's doing to help, but that you'd like to set up some boundaries that you can all live by so you both can get more of a sense of independence.  Perhaps you can do your own laundry, and have the kitchen to cook dinner twice a week?  He needs to tell her that he loves her and appreciates her help, but he's an adult in a relationship and she needs to give you both some space.

As far as the career advice, nod and smile.  Families don't change their minds on this stuff.  So stand up for yourself when necessary with a polite, "You know, I really appreciate that you're trying to look out for me, but I love my career, have been able to support myself with my earnings, and it hurts my feelings when you suggest I give it up."

SenoritaCupcake

You're right, it's not your place. He needs to man-up and talk to her himself.
 Although keep in mind, while she shouldn't be telling you your career isn't satisfactory, you can't stop her from taking care of her son while he's under her roof.

kdwyer4

Agree with PP...its his mother, he needs to discuss it with her. I'm sure she means well but this could quickly turn into an eve larger issue. I cant even immagine how she will be if you two have children...

ashleyromero1987

Thank you for the input. I'm not impolite to her, I actually enjoy spending time with her when these topics aren't brought up. She's helped us out tons, and I'm grateful. I just hate that this is causing a rift, even if only on my part. He's such a momma's boy, he'll never say anything. I'll probably just have to put up with it.

coastiegrl25

Oh definitely politely decline on the next door apartment, there is no good outcome for this.  You need to have a sit down talk with him, and tell him he needs to be the one to speak with HIS mother.  It is something that is bothering you, and him and it will not get any better until the situation is addressed.

ashleyromero1987

I didn't get to read the rest of the posts before replying, let me try again lol

I really love her, she's fantastic, and it's totally mutual. I just don't want this time with her to cause further issues. She further dislikes that he and I don't want children.

Calindi, thank you! that's some pretty sound advice, and you've got some solid ideas. I think it'll help out, if I could find a way to get him to approach her lol.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ftp-issue-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3eecd1db-206d-4dd6-8a4d-6671840d6be1Post:3f2a4faf-42a5-4c83-bae9-91e0e9d028c9">Re: FTP, issue with FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the input. I'm not impolite to her, I actually enjoy spending time with her when these topics aren't brought up. She's helped us out tons, and I'm grateful. I just hate that this is causing a rift, even if only on my part. He's such a momma's boy, he'll never say anything. I'll probably just have to put up with it.
Posted by ashleyromero1987[/QUOTE]

I don't think you should "have to" put up with it. If he won't talk to her about it, I'd see that as a red flag. What is he going to do years from now when you guys are looking at more serious changes and issues in your lives? If it bothers him, he should talk to her. I can understand picking your battles, but I see it as a problem if he'll <u>never</u> say anything.

ashleyromero1987

Agreed!!! I can' see this spiraling down if we go through with it. Same complex? Maybe. Next door? All I can think is she'll hear us having sex and arguing and what not. Makes me feel less like an independent adult and more like living in mom's apartment above the garage.

ashleyromero1987

BTW, forgive me, i'm totally new to the bulletin thing, and not sure how to reply straight to another person's post or anything.

He and I already know we're getting married as soon as we have the funds. He considers us "unofficially engaged", and believes in taking that step as self sufficient adult, IE when not living with mommy.

you're right, Bren, he needs to bring it up. i don't want him to feel like he has to choose between us, but i also feel that if something doesn't happen soon, that's what it's going to come to.

Wrkn925

Ashley, tell him you two are a couple.  During your life together you will encounter problems you need to work through.
In order for you two to grow, he needs to stand beside you.  And he can do this without offending his mother.

ie:
BF: Mom, don't worry about our laundry, we will take care of that.  You're busy.
Mom: No, I don't mind at all, I like helping my baby!
BF: No, it's our responsibility.  We're already putting you out enough.

OR

BF: If I get out of habit, I'll wash my jeans with white socks and have blue socks.  Do you really want that?

Just change the subject when she picks on your career choice.  Is photography panning out well for you?  If so, then tell her it is working out for you.

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ftp-issue-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3eecd1db-206d-4dd6-8a4d-6671840d6be1Post:8f15ad68-b0a4-4d53-bf3f-0656e638a64b">Re: FTP, issue with FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]BTW, forgive me, i'm totally new to the bulletin thing, and not sure how to reply straight to another person's post or anything. He and I already know we're getting married as soon as we have the funds. He considers us "<strong>unofficially engaged", </strong>and believes in taking that step as self sufficient adult, IE when not living with mommy. you're right, Bren, he needs to bring it up. i don't want him to feel like he has to choose between us, but i also feel that if something doesn't happen soon, that's what it's going to come to.
Posted by ashleyromero1987[/QUOTE]


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ashleyromero1987

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ftp-issue-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3eecd1db-206d-4dd6-8a4d-6671840d6be1Post:594ccb43-09fb-4b56-9975-92438e677d24">Re: FTP, issue with FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Ashley, tell him you two are a couple.  During your life together you will encounter problems you need to work through. In order for you two to grow, he needs to stand beside you.  And he can do this without offending his mother. ie: BF: Mom, don't worry about our laundry, we will take care of that.  You're busy. Mom: No, I don't mind at all, I like helping my baby! BF: No, it's our responsibility.  We're already putting you out enough. OR BF: If I get out of habit, I'll wash my jeans with white socks and have blue socks.  Do you really want that? Just change the subject when she picks on your career choice.  Is photography panning out well for you?  If so, then tell her it is working out for you.
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>AH! I found the "quote button" *does victory dance*</div><div>Photography does me very well, I'm on the road to having my own studio, and I have an intense passion for it. There's no way I'm walking away from it.</div><div>
</div><div>I love your idea for dialogue. Of course when I tell her I can get something, she insists she's "got it", almost while pushing me out of the way. The way you laid it out actually seems right up his ally, I'll bring it up when he gets home from work. Thank you!!</div>

Wrkn925

When you open the dialogue, it needs to be polite and firm, with no way for her to back out of it.  Tell him to put his game face on. Practice with him.

loves2shop4shoes

You don't have a FMIL problem.  You have a BF problem.  Tell him to grow a pair and set boundaries with his mother.  I get that you're living with her and don't want to rock the boat, but there MUST be boundaries.  You're adults and charging into your bedroom with a mop and a dustpan just isn't appropriate.

Oh, and move out...ASAP.

SenoritaCupcake

Wrkn925: Haha!! That quote makes my life everytime.

niknik15

I am going to take a different approach here. When she starts bringing up the photography, I don't think you should just ignore it and go on. My grandma is exactly like this on some things.

She started with the 'when are you two getting married thing' and I tried to ignore it at first, but it took me sitting down with her and having a conversation. Such as why do you feel this way? I understand that you feel XXX, but right now this is where we are, etc. I guess she needed to feel like she was completely heard before she gave it up.

It may also help to show her some photography websites and how much stuff like that costs nowadays.

I understand the fact that your boyfriend needs to stand up to his mom, but aren't there some things that you can sort out with her too? Especially if you two have such a good relationship? Although I do feel like it is his place to say 'stay out of our room!'

Maybe you should also have a feely talk with her about these subjects like above for the photography. Such as I feel like I am doing nothing to contribute when you do all of this stuff for us. It makes me feel better and more like a part of the family if I do contribute.

jeanacorina

Living under the same roof with parents is usually pretty tense. I know everyone says "You need to have HIM talk to her," but I tried that route with my MIL and she was actually really confused and hurt that *I* didn't talk to her myself. My husband is a horrible middle-man, we now know.

First bit of advice: save your pennies and move out ASAP. And not next door! I really value my personal space, and when an ex-boyfriend's mom was doing my laundry without my permission, I was MORTIFIED. Just buckle down, do what you've got to do, and put a couple of miles between you two and your boyfriend's mom. For the sake of your thongs!

Second bit of advice: be honest about how you feel in regards to her comments on your career. Tell her you love it, and it's your dream-job, and you have some very acheivable goals and wouldn't dream of giving it up. If she presses, tell her it hurts your feelings and that you are living based upon priorities you and your BF have agreed upon and are happy with. If she continues, well..... ignore her. Not much else you can do after politely explaining that another career isn't what you want.

jeanacorina

Oh, I have a third thing, too:

When I first met MIL, and I would ask if I should bring anything to dinner or if she needed help setting the table or something, she'd always say no... and I felt really awkward. Over time, she's realized (from talking to me and to DH about my family and upbrining), that I actually feel better and more welcome if I DO bring something or help set the table or stir the sauce or just.... anything. So, she seems to be making an effort to include me and ask me for things. She never wanted me to feel out of place, but I had a different idea of how things should be than she did. She honestly thought I'd feel more welcome if I didn't have to do anything.

To be honest, I still wish she'd tell me how to help in the kitchen now and then! I feel really lost... but at least now I can bring a casserole or cookies or something. I feel much better. She even asks her family what I can bring to big get-togethers like Christmas and Thanksgiving, because she knows I'll want to. Very thoughtful of her.

calindi

Holy crud, not to threadjack, but you've been married 7 months now Jeana?!

Where does time go?!

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ftp-issue-fmil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3eecd1db-206d-4dd6-8a4d-6671840d6be1Post:7cbb872f-daf3-4a65-960e-8eb0b47261f2">Re: FTP, issue with FMIL</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, I have a third thing, too: When I first met MIL, and I would ask if I should bring anything to dinner or if she needed help setting the table or something, she'd always say no... and I felt really awkward. Over time, she's realized (from talking to me and to DH about my family and upbrining), that I actually feel better and more welcome if I DO bring something or help set the table or stir the sauce or just.... anything. So, she seems to be making an effort to include me and ask me for things. She never wanted me to feel out of place, but I had a different idea of how things should be than she did. She honestly thought I'd feel more welcome if I didn't have to do anything. To be honest, I still wish she'd tell me how to help in the kitchen now and then! I feel really lost... but at least now I can bring a casserole or cookies or something. I feel much better. She even asks her family what I can bring to big get-togethers like Christmas and Thanksgiving, because she knows I'll want to. Very thoughtful of her. :)
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Jeana, this has been happening to me, too! I always bring something, side dish, wine, or flowers for the table at least. To me, this is good manners, and I'm happy to do it. BF's mom always seems surprised and doesn't quite know how to react. I mean, she's very appreciative, but I can tell she doesn't expect it, and it throws her off a little. Thanks for saying this! I'll bet her thoughts are similar to your MIL's, but I didn't quite realize it. BF's mom is like June Cleaver--always, always cooking, feeding, sending us home with containers of leftovers, and she does all the housework even though she works full-time. It's just how she rolls. :)

</div>

ravenray

The girls all gave very good advice!  I say move out and maybe you should talk to her.  I understand the whole his mom, his problem but I don't see anything wrong with saying, "can I do my own laundry?"  Lol.  I would hate that.  Besides sometimes women communicate better than men do.  If he is a mom's boy he might cave without knowing what he is agreeing too?  Just a thought.  Good Luck!

ashleyromero1987

Indeed, you ladies have a ton of good advice, thank for your input. BF and I talked about it last night when he got home from work, and decided we'd both talk to her, and we did. Sooo, everything is smashing Today I did our dishes and laundry, and she and i baked banana bread and watch a movie together. Hopefully things keep going on this track. 
I feel i should clarify on a couple of things:

We moved in with her because she needed our help as much as we needed hers. She has a 9 year old living with her (she's a single mom) and she had just lost her job. I take care of the little one as much as my job will allow, and BF and I are helping pay the bills while saving up to move out.

As far as being "unofficially engaged" goes, we were going to get engaged before we lost our place, then buying the ring had to be put on hold till we got our sh*t straight. He is vehemently against becoming engaged and announcing it the family w/o the e-ring. At the time we're just brainstorming things for a wedding, and we'll make up our minds on said "things" when the time is appropriate.

ETA: For fear of the concept being misconstrued, I feel I should elaborate: being unofficially engaged is not something one of us forced upon the other, we just like it better that way for now. We played around last night with Bluenile.com, he showed me the wedding ring he likes for himself, and went to sleep. Simple and plane, no one is being held hostage lol.

[Deleted User]

1. You aren't engaged... She's not your FMIL... She's your BF's mother... We (ie. My BF & I and our respective families) have been doing that FIL crap for a while now... and with the way things are going lately I just wanna smack everyone in the head and tell them to stop insinuating something that has yet to happen because it's makes our lives more difficult!

2. Tell your BF to grow a set of balls and talk to his mother! If he doesnt like to be treated like a kid then he should stop acting like one!!

Wrkn925

Lyz,
1.) My BFs mother calls me her someday-FDIL.  It's cute as hell, but does nothing to shorten my title.  I don't get it, but I take it as a pet name. 

2.) They did talk.  Didn't you see the post above?  Everything's peachy keen!




Seriously OP, I'm glad things are working out.  I'm glad you two talked to his mom together.  Good for you two for showing strength in your relationship and working through issues. 

BUT, if you keep using 'unnofficially engaged', the kitten in the picture above is done.  Can you live with that??  Do you like to see kittens die?