:( In need of some encouragement

Wh15k3yG1rl

Ugh I am feeling totally down on myself! My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years now. About 2 weeks ago, I was in a high school friend's wedding that had been with her BF for about 10 months!!! Now, another one of the girl's that was a bridesmaid just got engaged to her BF that has not been together for as long as BF and I have. We talk about it all the time and we've talked about what we see our wedding looking like and what not, but I feel like talking is as far as it will ever get!!

I try to tell myself that we are both still in school (Even though the 2nd couple mentioned above is also still in school) and that now is just not the time, but it's just not working!! I know he will propose eventually...but it's the EVENTUALLY that I just can't wait until! I think even if he proposed tomorrow it would still feel like forever Please tell me it will get better (even if you have to lie!!! haha)!?

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-of-encouragement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3f42e1d2-539a-47a6-bc00-66fdbf980835Post:bca221a7-22f1-4c31-9b41-dadbadece45e">:( In need of some encouragement</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh :( I am feeling totally down on myself! My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years now. About 2 weeks ago, I was in a high school friend's wedding that had been with her BF for about 10 months!!! Now, another one of the girl's that was a bridesmaid just got engaged to her BF that has not been together for as long as BF and I have. :( We talk about it all the time and we've talked about what we see our wedding looking like and what not, but I feel like talking is as far as it will ever get!! :( I try to tell myself that we are both still in school (Even though the 2nd couple mentioned above is also still in school) and that now is just not the time, but it's just not working!! I know he will propose eventually...but it's the EVENTUALLY that I just can't wait until! I think <strong>even if he proposed tomorrow it would still feel like forever</strong> :( Please tell me it will get better (even if you have to lie!!! haha)!?
Posted by Wh15k3yG1rl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Huh?</div><div>
</div><div>Ok, listen.  Although I have never experienced what you're feeling, I can understand that it must be frustrating to be in a serious, long-term relationship and watch others (who have been together not nearly as long) get married before you.</div><div>
</div><div>Stop worrying about it though.  Seriously...stop.  The ONLY thing you can do is talk about a general timeline with your BF.  Ask him where he sees your relationship in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years.  If his timeline is REALLY different than yours, you have to ask yourself if that's something you can live with.  If it's a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker.  If it's not, relax and enjoy your relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I just got engaged in August and I don't feel like my relationship with FI has changed now that it's "official".  I mean, I have a beautiful sparkly rock on my hand that gives me constant shiny-ball syndrome.  I get to call him my "fiance".  We're in the VERY early stages of planning a wedding.  My brother now gives him the stink eye for taking the "baby" out of his "baby sister".  But the way we interact is no different really.  I LOVED being with him before we were engaged.  Talking about how great he was brought tears to my eyes BEFORE we were engaged.  </div><div>
</div><div>Know what I'm getting at?</div><div>
</div><div>Your lives together have already begun...so don't worry about "forever" starting.  It ready has.</div><div>
</div>

SopChick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-of-encouragement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3f42e1d2-539a-47a6-bc00-66fdbf980835Post:bca221a7-22f1-4c31-9b41-dadbadece45e">:( In need of some encouragement</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh :( I am feeling totally down on myself! My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years now. About 2 weeks ago, I was in a high school friend's wedding that had been with her BF for about 10 months!!! Now, another one of the girl's that was a bridesmaid just got engaged to her BF that has not been together for as long as BF and I have. :( We talk about it all the time and we've talked about what we see our wedding looking like and what not, but I feel like talking is as far as it will ever get!! :( I try to tell myself that we are both still in school (Even though the 2nd couple mentioned above is also still in school) and that now is just not the time, but it's just not working!! I know he will propose eventually...but it's the EVENTUALLY that I just can't wait until! I think even if he proposed tomorrow it would still feel like forever :( Please tell me it will get better (even if you have to lie!!! haha)!?
Posted by Wh15k3yG1rl[/QUOTE]

First let me say that I feel the frustration. BF and I have been together for 9 1/2 years. I'm not sure how old you are, but judging from the "both still in school" I'm going to guess early-mid 20s.

Now, here are my tips to help with the wait:

1.) Make sure you live in your current relationship, not the future. You are still together right now, so be true to where you are NOW. (It can also help to lay off the wedding talk for a little while)

2.) Learning not to measure your relationship by someone else's will make a big difference. It doesn't matter if they have been together for only 10 months, you have no idea (even if she's your best friend) how solid or superficial their relationship is.

3.) Think about the marriage more than the wedding. The wedding is just a kick-ass party, and one day out of the many you will hopefully spend together. The marriage will take more work than planning that one day, so make sure you have a solid foundation. Communication is big, as well as; What are you going to do about finances? Who's going to handle paying bills? Do you plan to have kids, how many? How do you plan to raise them? (discipline, school, someone stay home or have a baby-sitter, etc).

4.) Sit down and talk. Rather than talking about the wedding, talk about why you are waiting. The actual tangible reasons: We're both in school, we want a house first, we want to save X number of dollars before we enter into marriage, etc.

All that being said, you will more than likely still feel that jealous/envious feeling when someone who has been dating for a shorter time gets engaged/married. (See post by GreenPepperBurger below) All you can do is go back to your answers in #4 above, remember #1, and be patient.

I'm sorry for the novel - good on you if you read it all! These are all things that have really helped me when I get into that impatient phase, so I hope they can be of some help to you! Good luck!

bethsmiles

I get that the waiting sucks and it can be hard to watch all of your friends get to go through the whole engagement process and whatnot before you. BUT you need to focus on YOUR relationship. You and your BF are doing what is best for you and in the long run you will be glad you waited.

My BF and I are still in school too and we are waiting until we are at least done with our undergraduate degree to get married. So at least another almost 2 years. A lot of my friends are getting married who haven't even known their FI as long as I have been dating my BF. But I'm happy for them just like I know they will be happy for me when its my turn. Remember, its not a race. Your time will come and until then enjoy your relationship as it is now. These are good times too and one day you will look back and wonder why you wanted to rush through them.

SeaTea02

I am in a similar situation. I have been with my BF for over 5 years. We talk about getting married, we should be engaged in the next few months, we are waiting until we finish school to get married, and we know about when that date would be. I have sooo many friends who have gotten married to guys they barely knew and some have children with those husbands.

It is hard not to be jealous that they get to be married to the person they love, but I try to remind myself that you can't compare relationships. Just because they got married sooner does not indicate their marriages will be better or last longer, and just because we waited it does not mean our marriage will be any better.

Focus on you and making your relationship the best it can be. Don't look in windows. The grass is always greener... and all those other idioms.

zipis1

You have to tell yourself to stop thinking about it. Every time a thought pops into your head, yell "NO!" at yourself and find something to distract you. This is what I had to do, and after a while the physically painful anxiousness and impatience subsided and I eventually became content with the wait.

You are with your BF now. You love him and he loves you. Your lives have already started together and each day should be enjoyed and cherished, something that's hard to do if you don't get ahold of the jealousy.

heyimbren

Patience is a virtue, and I truly believe that any life experiences that help you develop character are well worth it in the long run.

Just keep remind yourslef, as PP said, that the benefits of waiting outweigh the costs.