Young Love

PaarT · January 2013

Me and my boyfriend are still in high school, but I have every intent on marrying him and I've been obsessed with weddings since I was little but now I have a reason to be. My dad saw me looking at wedding stuff earlier and freaked out not knowing this is a normal thing for me, but he thinks me and my boyfriend are too serious for our age and he doesn't want me getting hurt. I get where he's coming from, but he's always telling me he's "uncomfortable with how serious we are" and I need to "live my life, and not try to grow up too fast," and I get it, but I've always been mature for my age so I want to grow up and when you know, you know, right? So it's been an issue for me when he says things like that. Especially because we've said we're getting married right when we get out of high school but I'm really into the tradition al father's blessing, which I'm afraid he won't give us that young...

I guess I'm just wondering what to do to either get him off my back or convince him I'm mature enough to know what I want and to trust my boyfriend to not hurt me (my dad already LOVES him). But I'm the youngest in my family, so I think I have that whole "daddy's little girl" thing working against me.

Vintagelove4 · January 2013

I can see both sides here. My now FI and I did start dating middle of my senior year of highschool, but we waited. Believe me, things change a ton once you start living on your own. Your perspective on a lot of things change and you do as well.

It's fun to dream of a wedding but take your time. Wait a few years after highschool to figure out if you two are still the same people you are now. I've changed a lot since then and I'm glad we didn't jump in too soon. I mean at five months into dating he had bought the ring. We are now a few weeks away from our two year dating anniversary and we got engaged this Christmas. He graduates college in the spring.

Trust me OP, it's well worth the wait. I mean planning a wedding, a day, is one thing but a wedding is the start of a marriage and that is something to last a lifetime. Try to focus on your relationship for now and build a strong one.

ravenray · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:24aaab2c-7d45-4b2c-86ee-eecdaacb5e55">Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Me and my boyfriend are still in high school, but I have every intent on marrying him and I've been obsessed with weddings since I was little but now I have a reason to be. My dad saw me looking at wedding stuff earlier and freaked out not knowing this is a normal thing for me, but he thinks me and my boyfriend are too serious for our age and he doesn't want me getting hurt. I get where he's coming from, but he's always telling me he's "uncomfortable with how serious we are" and I need to "live my life, and not try to grow up too fast," and I get it, but I've always been mature for my age so I want to grow up and when you know, you know , right? So it's been an issue for me when he says things like that. Especially because we've said we're getting married right when we get out of high school but I'm really into the tradition al father's blessing, which I'm afraid he won't give us that young... I guess I'm just wondering what to do to either get him off my back or convince him I'm mature enough to know what I want and to trust my boyfriend to not hurt me (my dad already LOVES him). But I'm the youngest in my family, so I think I have that whole "daddy's little girl" thing working against me.
Posted by PaarT[/QUOTE]
The bolded part will get you laughed at. You shouldn't have to tell someone that you are mature; your actions should show it. Plus just because you are mature for your age doesn’t mean you are ready for marriage.
I wouldn't get married right of out high school. You are young so take your time, go to college, get a job, and learn a few things about the world before jumping into marriage. I was dating my husband in high school, but we didn't get married right out of high school. Instead we went to college, I lived abroad, we both worked, and we experienced life together and apart. I am not saying you have to wait until you are out of college but give yourselves time to grow up a little. High school isn't like the real world and even college isn't like the real world. So slow your roll. Enjoy your relationship how it is right now, don’t try to blaze through to something that will come in the future. As to the question of your father, he has some valid concerns. Trust me, you don't want to grow up too fast. I was just like you in wanting to grow up but now that I am grown up I wish I wasn't sometimes. How do you answer him when he says you are too serious? Don't ignore his concerns, address them with him. I wouldn't worry about getting his blessing right now. When the time does come for your proposal and he says no, that would be the time to ask him why and talk about his fears. Dad's often want the best for you and are trying to protect you.

bethsmiles · January 2013

Ugh...I hate the phrase "when you know, you know" there is so much more to building a life together than that.

Whether are not you are mature there is NO reason to get married right out of high school. Go to college, live in the real world. So much changes after high school. You start discovering who you really are and what you want out of life. I'm not saying you will for sure get hurt or that you and your BF will break-up. Some couples meet in high-school and it lasts but if he is 'the one' he will still be there after college, when you both have jobs, and are financially stable/independent.

IMO, what you should do to get your dad off your back is to make the decision to wait until after you finish college (or some sort of high education) to get engaged. That will convince him that not only are you mature enough to know what you want but you are mature enough to understand that sometimes what you want isn't the best thing right now. The best way to convince someone you are mature is to make mature decisions.

embreen · January 2013

if your telling someone your mature, your not mature, you say you "want to grow up" getting married does not make you 'grown up' you should grow up and really know yourself before you even THINK of getting married. your still in high school and if you really think that you will marry him theres no need to rush it. your going to have alot of issues to contend with once your married that (no offense) but people your age arent thinking of. things such as you wont have health insurance (if your on your parents insurance that will end) you will have to file your own taxes, your finacial aid staus will change for colleges (if your going). On top of that you will be completely fiancially on your own, something that is EXTREMELY difficult when your both going to school, if thats your plan. You will probably have to drop out of college and work which means you will make less yearly than those with a college degree, the job market sucks. When i was in high shcool i was convined i was going to marry my boyfriend then, we dated all through high school and then broke up in the middle of my freshman (his sophmore) year of college. Five years later im so glad tht happend cause i met my now fiance. I think at your age it is rushing it, your only young once, enjoy it. You dont need a shotgun wedding dont go for one. When you get married you want everyone to support it and behind this wonderful thing tht your doing with your life and getting married right of high school without a shotgun hanging over your head isbasically saying "look at me i need attention and want to cause drama". obviously your father isnt comfortable with this and you should seriously take his feeling into consideration since he has a perspective on this that you are not old enough or could possibly have since your in the situation. your going to do what your going to do and your going to have to live with your decisions but the fact that your even going outside of yourself to ask if whether or notthis s something you should be doing, you should by NO MEANS be doing it

tuarceatha · January 2013

I think there is no rush.
I think if you are into wedding planning, study event planning once you get out of high school.
I think you should not spend too much time thinking about getting married until the next election.

freebread03 · January 2013

Previous posters are so right. You are way too young to get married--that doesn't mean you're too young to have a serious relationship or be very very serious about your boyfriend, just too young to make a lifetime committment. Both of you will change so much over the next 10 years--I know I did. Go to college, make new friends, study abroad, go on spring break trips with your girlfriends, work crummy internships...do all of that, and get settled into life after college, and THEN decide if you want to get married. You can do all of this WITH your boyfriend--who knows, maybe the two of you will grow together. And if you do, then you will not have missed out on anything that being married would have gotten you. If you grow apart, then you won't be young and divorced and in college.

I'm 28 and have been engaged to FI (who is turning 30 next month) for over 1.5 years. I'm someone who people always said was mature for my age, and have done a lot of things years before a lot of my peers (well, those I went to high school with-it seems to even up when you go to college since people have self selected and end up being like-minded), including grad school, home ownership, even my level at my job. But I will tell you this-none of this means I'm ready to get married. I have the rest of my life to be married--as much as I love FI, and as much as I know we will be together forever and all that jazz, I see no rush to get married. Getting married won't change our relationship or how we interact, so there's no rush to get there.

PaarT · January 2013

Another factor is that both of our families are really religious, so Marriage is a Holy Sacrament which will help you grow in your faith. And we both really love children, but they're out of the question until marriage.
Another issue is, last night I told him something my parents said and he made a comment about "obviously I don't love him enough to marry without my father's blessing," to which I hung up on him, because traditional weddings are VERY important to me and I know when my sister got married my dad was very upset by the fact her husband didn't ask (they're now divorced.) So I really think it makes a difference.

thejucheidea · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:1d3be9d6-0e63-42e3-808c-92b97f7bb2c6">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Another factor is that both of our families are really religious, so Marriage is a Holy Sacrament which will help you grow in your faith.
Posted by PaarT[/QUOTE]
Yeah, one of my friends was like that. She got married early so they could grow into their marriage together as a religious family unit. A couple of months ago, after six years of marriage, he cheated on her and left her then had her kicked out of their home. After the divorce, she's now gone back and listed all of the horrible things he did to her over the course of their marriage that she states she tolerated because of the thought of maintaining their Christian marriage. Very healthy.

Maybe your early, religious marriage would work out, but maybe you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons (we can live together, we can have sex, we can [insert whatever here that your religion prohibits]) and it'll end up biting you in the ass. Take some time to grow up (as growing up, even if you claim maturity, requires the actual ticking of a clock) then reevaluate your relationship in a few years. It could be that he's the guy for you, but it's equally possible that he's not and you'll be saddling yourself with a divorce or unhappy marriage that you stay in for the excuse of maintaining religion.

bethsmiles · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:1d3be9d6-0e63-42e3-808c-92b97f7bb2c6">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Another factor is that both of our families are really religious, so Marriage is a Holy Sacrament which will help you grow in your faith. And we both really love children, but they're out of the question until marriage. Another issue is, last night I told him something my parents said and he made a comment about "obviously I don't love him enough to marry without my father's blessing," to which I hung up on him, because traditional weddings are VERY important to me and I know when my sister got married my dad was very upset by the fact her husband didn't ask (they're now divorced.) So I really think it makes a difference.
Posted by PaarT[/QUOTE]

How exactly are you going to support yourselves and a child right out of high school?

tuarceatha · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:1d3be9d6-0e63-42e3-808c-92b97f7bb2c6">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Another factor is that both of our families are really religious, so Marriage is a Holy Sacrament which will help you grow in your faith. And we both really love children, but they're out of the question until marriage. Another issue is, last night I told him something my parents said and he made a comment about "obviously I don't love him enough to marry without my father's blessing," to which I hung up on him, because traditional weddings are VERY important to me and I know when my sister got married my dad was very upset by the fact her husband didn't ask (they're now divorced.) So I really think it makes a difference.
Posted by PaarT[/QUOTE]

Bless your heart. You are dating a teenager.

Lots of things feed into a couples' decision to divorce, just like lots of things feed into a successful marriage. I can understand wanting family support when picking a mate. But I think the point here is to get married and have kids when you know a bit more about yourself and the world around you. There is no need to rush.

steign · January 2013

Please do not say you are 'mature for your age'. You are in highschool. No one will take this seriously.

Just do yourself a favor and wait. You will not be the same person you are now in 10 or even 5 years. You have so much of life left to experience and if you love your BF he will be there once you go to college, graduate, move out and start paying rent and your own bills.

Swazzle · January 2013

Your BF sounds incredibly immature, which is understandable considering he's still in high school. You should worry about graduating and then going to college and becoming an adult. Take the time to learn about yourself, get a job, pay your own bills, etc.

Also, in case you weren't aware, weddings cost money. A place to live with your husband and furnishing for said home once you're married all costs money. Babies cost money. How do you expect to pay for all of these things?

I'm seriously not even going to touch on the whole "I need to get married now so I can have sex and make babies" thing. My head and/or computer might explode if I do.

leia1979 · January 2013

I can understand where you're coming from. I thought I was going to marry my first boyfriend that I dated at age 18. I am so glad I didn't.

Please wait. I know you won't believe us, but you will change so much over the next few years. Go to college and start your career before you get married. There is plenty of time, even if you want a ton of kids. Enjoy being young and single, because you'll never have this experience again.

I do have friends who are married and have been together since high school. However, they finished college and started their careers first.

lmwilber · January 2013

OP, I understand where you are coming from, I do. And all of these ladies are have some really good advice: Talk to your dad about his concerns, wait until after college (or some sort of post grad job training), have some money squired away etc. If this he's the one, then he will be the one in 2-3 years. I know that sounds like a LIFE TIME away, but its really not. One of the reasons that couples who marry young end up divorced is that life outside of HS is HARD, lasting relationships are HARD and I'm sorry to say- sometimes love isn't enough. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you yearn for them, lust after them, and KNOW down to the tips of your toes that you LOVE this person, sometimes that's not enough.

I strongly recommend that you and your BF have a solid life plan in place that addresses: post HS schooling, money (how you'll earn it, how you'll budget it, how you'll divide accounts, how you'll plan long term and short term savings, etc) living arrangements (where will you live, rent/buy, who's going to do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work, shopping) how will you get heath insurance, How you'll handle kids (day care or have a SAHP, are you both the same faith, if not what faith will you raise the kids in, is your place of residence in a good school district, if not can you afford a private school) etc in place before you even think about asking for your fathers blessing. Talking about this things with your BF will also help you guys out in the long run too.

ravenray · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:1d3be9d6-0e63-42e3-808c-92b97f7bb2c6">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Another factor is that both of our families are really religious, so Marriage is a Holy Sacrament which will help you grow in your faith. And we both really love children, but they're out of the question until marriage. Another issue is, last night I told him something my parents said and he made a comment about "obviously I don't love him enough to marry without my father's blessing," to which I hung up on him, because traditional weddings are VERY important to me and I know when my sister got married my dad was very upset by the fact her husband didn't ask (they're now divorced.) So I really think it makes a difference.
Posted by PaarT[/QUOTE]
I am very religious but I still managed to wait 3 years before I got married. You can do it too. Seriously, it is not worth it to get married just so you can have sex and babies. Plus how do you expect to support babies without a job? If you don't have sometime lined up and not just a minimum wage job either then how are you going to cope? Does he plan on getting a job or a degree? These are all important things you have to think about and have plans for before you get married. The bolded part shows just how mature you and your BF are, which is not very BTW. Both are passive aggressive actions that do not help the relationship in any way. Please slow your roll.

loves2shop4shoes · January 2013

When you know you know...hmmm, ok. Maybe I agree with that.

But just because you "know" doesn't mean that you need to get married now. If he's the one now, he'll be the one in 5 years, 10 years, 40 years. Why do you need to get married now. I'm mature for my age too...or so I've always been told. My mother always called me her "little old lady." And I got married at 24. And even that is SUPER young.

I'm sorry, but there is absolutely ZERO justification for you getting married for getting married when you can't even legally drink the champagne at the toast.

If you really love each other, commit to staying together. And dream together. Go to college. Grow up. Learn about the world. Live on your own. Pay your own bills. Travel. If he's really the one, he should want that for you before you get married. And frankly, a mature person would want that for him/herself.

Also, I "knew" I wanted to marry my boyfriend at 18. Then we broke up when I was 19.

Not saying that WILL happen to you, but give yourselves time to grow up. You may grow apart. And it’s good not to have to go through a divorce if that happens.

Elle1036 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:1d3be9d6-0e63-42e3-808c-92b97f7bb2c6">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]Another factor is that both of our families are really religious, so Marriage is a Holy Sacrament which will help you grow in your faith. And we both really love children, but they're out of the question until marriage. Another issue is, last night I told him something my parents said and he made a comment about "obviously I don't love him enough to marry without my father's blessing," to which I hung up on him, because traditional weddings are VERY important to me and I know when my sister got married my dad was very upset by the fact her husband didn't ask (they're now divorced.) So I really think it makes a difference.
Posted by PaarT[/QUOTE]

F*ck. I'm going to end up divorced.

melmac86 · January 2013

I only clicked this, because I thought there was a poll and I was hoping to click more things. Darnit.

beanbot2002 · January 2013

"I'm mature for my age."
I actually loled to the point that coworkers had to ask what was wrong.

Sweetheart, give yourself some time!
Where the hell is Little Bunny Foo Foo when I need him??

leia1979 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_young-love?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3fd44329-2b44-477c-847d-c0b00ca64458Post:e42c5e6b-2c56-4b11-acd3-fed0be595d52">Re: Young Love</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Young Love : F*ck. I'm going to end up divorced.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

Me, too. We can form our own first wives club.

melmac86 · January 2013

I don't know why the poll wasn't showing up for me before, but it sure is now. These options are ridiculous.

CrystaH11 · January 2013

My fiance and I started dating at 15. We are now 23, graduated college a year ago, and we are getting married in 2014. As someone who started out with young love, here is my advice, and it's something you should really consider. You are young, and alot changes between where you are now, and when you get out into the real world. My FI and I loved eachother dearly when we were 16 and 17, but at the same time we weren't going to just get married right out of highschool before we even experienced the world. We went to the colleges we always wanted to, and continued a long distance relationship. We knew that if after college and having our own experiences we still wanted to be together, so we're on our way to getting married.

I personally learned so much about myself and what I wanted during college when I left home and didn't have my FI constantly there. I always told him that if he'd have asked me right after highschool I would have told him no, because we both needed to grow and see what life was about before we decided to marry the one person we'd been with. No, we didn't date other people in college, but learning about what you want in your future on your own without the pressure of the other being there all the time is so important.

Things change a lot after you get out of highschool, where everything is a tight-knit little bubble and everything is easier under your parents roof. Experience the real world for a little bit before you finally settle on marriage. I'm not saying you will change your mind, obviously my FI and I didn't. But we did grow on our own, which has made our relationship so much stronger.

jemmini6 · January 2013

When I was in high school, I was told I was "mature for my age", and I suppose I was compared to other high school students. But being a mature 17 year old is still not anywhere close to being mature enough to handle marriage.

I've known a few people that got married young, none of them are still married. I also know two other couples who started dating in high school, and stayed together, but waited to get married until their mid-20's and they are some of the happiest people I know.

So while no one is saying that you and your BF aren't meant to be and you'll 100% break up, we're just saying if it's right, it will definitely be worth the wait to know you are capable of the long haul.

And if you get married just so you can have sex...then you probably deserve every bit of heartbreak that your failed marriage will bring you, because that sh*t is dumb.

embreen · January 2013

I am also wondering how you plan on supporting a family right out of high school? You really shouldnt be so desperate to have children at 17/18, more times than not you will end up not happy and resentful in th end. Why are you in such a rush to grow up?? Enjoy being young and carefree

LifeisSweeter · January 2013

The bit I have to chime in is, you haven't been through true struggles at that point to know that you'll be together for "better or worse". Wait a few years and see how you handle financial hardships, cancer in your family, health scares of your own, arguments among the potential in-laws, etc.

I may be 30 and never married, but I've finally found the person who will stand with me through those tough scenarios. But if it hadn't been for purchasing a house with my jerk of an ex-bf at the tender age of 23 (and subsquently suffering for 6+ years). I wouldn't have found this guy and known he was the right one for me.

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