Beginning a LDR

Ember01

Hello ladies! Anyone have any tips on making a long-distance relationship work?

sawahleee

Depends on how serious you guys are about making it work.

How far apart are you?

Ember01

We will be about 4-5 hours away from each other. And, we both want it to to work.

CA2MT4EveR

Communication (as with any relationship) is KEY!  You also have to trust eachother.  I think it is different for people depending on their past relationships, but you need to find time to spend together, even if it is only webcam/phone calls, etc.

rickylee244

Agree with PP - Communication is the most important thing

Relationship with FI began with 4 months of long distance (Him in bermuda, me in PA).  And we forged our communation and our relationship through Skype, with phone calls and webcam.  If either of you is not willing to spend time each week to just talk, then things will be really hard.  Also, we used to play games online with each other.  Helped us "do" something together without being together.

bajediva

welcome to the story of my life! :-) there is a lot that depends on what stage you are at in the relationship when the distance happens, what is going on in your individual lives, and what your future plans are. the same way there is no generic answer to what makes a regular relationship work, there is no one prescription for LDRs. but, there are some basic things that my BF and i focus on that i think would enhance any relationship.

like communication: you can't take this for granted, especially if there is a time difference. it may have to actually be scheduled when you will talk, and how (phone, skype, e-mail etc). snail mail has also been good for us. it's so exciting to actually get something personal in the mail, and love letters are real treasures and keepsakes.

the little things count: a quick text in the middle of the day to let your partner know they are on your mind, send a youtube video of the song you heard on the radio that made you think of them.

plan trips: it's a costly venture, both financially and logistically, but it helps to make the sacrifice and alternate making trips to see each other whenever possible. it's good to always have a trip coming up, even if it's months away - it gives you something to always look forward to :-)

have an end game: the only thing worse than an LDR is an open-ended LDR, where there is no plan for when the distance is going to end. IMO, the LDR set-up cannot be indefinite. the kind of effort it requires would be senseless to me if i didn't know we were both actively working on being together.

& 2 other friends i kno in LDRs and i have decided to make the effort to go out together more. to quote one of them: "when we go out with singles, it looks bad; when we go out with couples, it feels bad!"

P.S., sry my reply's so long...

PaigeMcC

Long distance is HARD! But if you're both willing to make it work then it can.  BF and I were long distance for about 2 years!!! It was a crazy long time but we were determined to make it work.  I agree with PP - communication is key!  Rickylee made great points - she's a smart lady! I'd take her advice and if you're both willing and dedicated to making it work then go for it!

Ember01

Thanks! I know it's going to be difficult. But, we've been together for years, so we have a solid relationship base. Playing online games is a good idea! I appreciate the friendly words of advice.

sawahleee

Wow that's far =( but not impossible ... My BF and I are 2 hours apart and these are a couple things we do to keep our relationship strong while not smothering one another at the same time:

- We invested in some webcams.. some are as cheap as 20 bucks! A little laggy but doable - for a long time we were just talking on the phone everyday but after a while it gets old and you just want to  SEE each other.
- PLAN to see each other (physically)! It gives you something to look forward to, count down to, and anticpate.
- Do NOT smother each other with texts and phone calls. Easier said than done. When you know every step they take when they take it, there's really nothing to look forward to when you call them at the end of the day... and trust me when this becomes a habit, it gets very annoying when you are actually busy and need to get stuff done.   
- Be empathetic and understanding. When he's busy and you're not, let him get his stuff done. You'll appreciate it when the roles are reversed.
- Make sure that both of you go out with your friends when you guys are apart. You'll go crazy if you become a hermit only seeking fresh air when the BF is visiting.  This means that you two HAVE to trust each other and there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
---- Even better! My BF and I make plans to hang out with our friends at the same time. That way neither of us are at home sulking and lonely.

Good Luck! And if I think of anything else I'll be sure to check back

Ember01

I think the jealousy part might be the hardest for me. We are both already super busy with our careers, and we are lucky to see each other once a week at this point, but we will have to schedule in visits so they do happen. I really appreciate all the kind words and great advice!

sawahleee

The jealousy part is hardest for me too. I completely trust my BF when he is out with friends (even of that involves other women). I just get so jealous that his friends get to see him more than I do!

Just keep telling yourself what doesn't kill you makes you stronger .... Look at the light at the end of the tunnel - when you will be reunited indefinitely!!!

bethsmiles

I just got done doing a LDR. It sucked and was hard but communication is KEY! we talked on the phone every day, texted, e-mailed, used facebook. And we visited whenever we could. Both of you have to keep up the lines of communication, you can't just rely on one person to do it.

We were 9 - 10 hours apart so 4-5 shouldn't be too bad on long weekends you could make the trip. Trust is very key as well. If you don't trust each other now it will not work.
Every couple is different but if you are both committed and put in the effort then it will be fine.

How long will you be doing long distance for?

E_SquaredPA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_beginning-ldr?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:40558671-25da-4408-82a3-eed1744acbe2Post:5a4d58b7-0bb1-40ab-bac5-5b25890c181a">Beginning a LDR</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello ladies! Anyone have any tips on making a long-distance relationship work?[/QUOTE]

Video chat! Skype might be the best invention ever, its so much better than just plain old phone calls.

More seriously though, my SO and I are about 4 hours apart and the biggest fight we have is about whose turn it is to drive for whatever weekend. I doubt you'll literally have to make a schedule up (nothing wrong with it if you do), but make sure theres some balance between who drives to the other person. Especially because the cost of gas, tolls, etc really adds up quickly, its important to maintain a balance with the back and forth visits that you'll inevitably be making. It can become an issue if one person thinks they're doing more than a fair share of driving to the other person--no one wants to feel like they're the only one making an effort in the relationship.

Good luck though, LDRs can be a pain, but sometimes a little anticipation can be a good thing too ;)

zaneopal

It's rough, like PPs have said.

For us, phone calls aren't possible, as he's in Spain and I'm in Virginia, and as we're both students, neither of us can afford an international plan on our cell phones. So we make do with Skype as much as possible, though we haven't managed to video chat in quite some time, due to the time difference. It ends up being after 10 PM his time when we talk, and he wants to keep quiet in his house out of respect for his host family.

What I like to do is send him mail every so often, and he sends me some. Post cards, actual cards, whatever. Everyone likes getting snail mail that isn't a bill or junk mail.

Since you guys are closer to each other, definitely plan trips, like a long weekend once a month or so. One of my roommates is in an LDR with her boyfriend as well, though he's only 2 1/2 hours away. But one weekend per month, she drives up to visit him, and another weekend he comes down here. You should definitely try and work out a similar arrangement, and plan to stay the whole weekend (i.e. leave after work Friday afternoon and come back Sunday night).

Pr!nc!pal_Dann!e

Have a timeline of how long the relationship will be long distance. I don't know if I just don't believe in magic, but long distance relationships are difficult to maintain no matter how much you love each other, stay faithful, and communicate properly if there is no definitive timeframe of when it will no longer be long distance. Also you are going to ahve to be honest with yourself as to whether or not you can handle this type of relationship. It is not easy. you will need to decide if you can handle it (emotionally, physically - for traveling, and financially - for traveling).

Pamela*

I'm in an LDR, Alaska to Louisiana...so a weekend drive is not possible.  We do have an end date (next december)...but it's been a year so far and it's not easy. (we were together 2 years before the LDR) We see each other once a month and on my school breaks.  We talk every night which is nice, but sometimes you run out of things to talk about and frankly it gets a bit boring. I think the important thing is keeping the romance alive. sending them little gifts, cards, postcards etc makes me feel closer to him. That way i'm thinking about when he'll get the surprise, what he'll think of it etc. Then he gets it and we have a laugh and a good time. There's also websites like hoochymail.com i think, that you fill in the blanks and it sends erotic emails...hilarious! We laughed for about a week after that one!

I have dealt with jealousy (although i have no real reason to be jealous) sometimes the what-ifs creep in. I've found the best way to make myself feel more secure is to do something cute and unexpected for my bf. That way i have a boost of "yes, he is lucky to have me...i'm a pretty awesome gf", especially after the inevitable thank you phone call (or better yet return gift), plus it adds something to talk about involving each other and not just your now separate lives. Calling and crying and doubting and overanalyzing never helps...because at the end of the conversation you just think "great. now he's got a psycho gf to deal with on top of no sex!" which does NOT make you feel more secure believe me!

Soon2BJeter

I don't have any advice at all for you, but I'm glad I found this post!  I'm also in a LDR - Missouri to Lousiana, about an 11-hour drive.   It is most definitly difficult at times but we both always try to keep our thoughts on the future that we will have.  When one of us gets down, we remind each other of how amazing it will be when we are finally TOGETHER.  I just know that the pain of being so far apart will definitly be worth it in the end!