No ring yet, but it's not OUR fault.

Millykins57

The question was asked, the answer was yes. The money for the ring i like is available, the dress picked out, the place, date, and time are all settled. The only block in the road... my fathers blessing.

My "Fiance" (if i'm even allowed to call him that yet) and I have been planning our wedding for several weeks now. But roughly two weeks ago we went to dinner with my parents and he got the courage to ask my father after our meal. My father, in a nutshell, said that yes, we could get married. Yes, we could move away to school next year, but no, he wouldn't give his permission right now. It "isn't up for discussion."

Since that time my father has made mention to my sister and mother on the topic, but hasn't said anything to me. I'm just confused. Should i wait to get a ring until i have his blessing, which could be january. Or should i go ahead with the planning process and move on without it?

I love my dad very much and the last thing i want to do is "disobey" him. But its hard for me to find a balance between waiting for his blessing and letting him make the calls. Any advice?

PandaBurr

Honestly, parents usually (not always) have a good reason for their decisions. Is there any particular reason why he doesn't want you to get married yet? Are you guys really young?

Also, if you're an adult and fully independent, then it's really only a matter of how much YOU care about having your father's blessing.

PandaBurr

I just read your intro. I really can't stress enough how much you should wait. You've only been dating for 3 months; you're still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship! Especially at your age, so many things can change in your life. I'm going to have to side with your father on this one.

PandaBurr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-yet-but-its-not-fault?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4397a934-43f5-4bf5-a163-d646b42ee812Post:1410ea05-2f7a-46ee-8533-e42babccc45a">No ring yet, but it's not OUR fault.</a>:
[QUOTE]The question was asked, the answer was yes. The money for the ring i like is available, the dress picked out, the place, date, and time are all settled. The only block in the road... my fathers blessing. My "Fiance" (if i'm even allowed to call him that yet) and I have been planning our wedding for several weeks now. But roughly two weeks ago we went to dinner with my parents and he got the courage to ask my father after our meal. My father, in a nutshell, said that yes, we could get married. Yes, we could move away to school next year, but no, he wouldn't give his permission right now. It "isn't up for discussion." Since that time my father has made mention to my sister and mother on the topic, but hasn't said anything to me. I'm just confused. Should i wait to get a ring until i have his blessing, which could be january. Or should i go ahead with the planning process and move on without it? I love my dad very much and the last thing i want to do is "disobey" him. But its hard for me to find a balance between waiting for his blessing and letting him make the calls. Any advice?
Posted by Millykins57[/QUOTE]

JIC

Millykins57

While we've only been dating for 3 months, we have been good friends for almost 3 years. I don't believe either of us would have even thought of being engaged in just 3 months if that weren't the case. Neither of us date people for the sake of dating. We've actually been closer to the idea of "courting" than "dating." No matter what title you put in front of it, we started dating with the intention of marriage. Meaning, a time where he could save up for a ring.

I can certainly see my fathers side of things. But what i don't understand is, if we can get married at the same time, and plan for the same date. Then what difference does it make for him to give us permission now, or later?

mysticl

I'm not inside your dad's head but if I had to guess I would say that maybe he wants to see how this plays out.  He might think the guy is a good choice but have reservations about you only being together 3 months. 

GreenPepperBurger

As a fellow 20 year old, I highly suggest you hold off on getting married. You say you've been friends with your BF/FI for three years - that's great. But it also means you've been friends since you were 17. I was friends with my BF before we started dating (and we started dating at 16), and I didn't think I was ready to marry him after 3 months. Heck, I'm not ready to marry him after four years. I do want to marry him eventually, but at this point in my life, it would be a really foolish thing to do.

Honestly, if your dad has his reservations (and it's most likely stemming from your age/how long you've been togehter), it's probably for a good reason. Just wait. What's wrong with just being together for now? No need to rush.

PandaBurr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-yet-but-its-not-fault?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4397a934-43f5-4bf5-a163-d646b42ee812Post:8dc6cd4a-f5cc-4caa-89f4-372727216289">Re: No ring yet, but it's not OUR fault.</a>:
[QUOTE]While we've only been dating for 3 months, we have been good friends for almost 3 years. I don't believe either of us would have even thought of being engaged in just 3 months if that weren't the case. Neither of us date people for the sake of dating. We've actually been closer to the idea of "courting" than "dating." No matter what title you put in front of it, we started dating with the intention of marriage. Meaning, a time where he could save up for a ring. I can certainly see my fathers side of things. But what i don't understand is, if we can get married at the same time, and plan for the same date. Then what difference does it make for him to give us permission now, or later?
Posted by Millykins57[/QUOTE]

My take on it is that he doesn't want you to get married so soon (not on the date you've chosen). I guess my opinion is why rush it, when you have nothing to lose by waiting?

But, it sounds to me you're pretty set on getting married, so does it really matter what your father thinks, or anybody else for that matter?

heyimbren

i could just repeat what PP have said (because i do agree) but i'm going to elaborate a bit more:

your decision comes down to this:

1)  you can get married, if that is the choice you and your FI make. however, you need to remember the consequences of this decision. you don't *need* your father's blessing to get married- but it will be easier for you if you do have it.

2) you can wait for a while and just enjoy your relationship. i understand the idea of courting and working towards marriage- i even agree with it. but that doesn't mean you need to get married as soon as you and your FI (BF?) decide that is in your future.

so you decide: get married now as you and your FI would like to, and risk your father's disappointment, and probably some severe cut offs in family ties or wait and work on your patience.

bethsmiles

IMO there are a few options here:

1) Ignore your father's reservations about the whole situation and just get married without his blessing risking big drama with your family and possibly hurt relationships. But you are old enough to get married you are old enough to make your own decisions and deal with any consequences.

2) Sit down with your dad and say "dad you have know me all my life, you have always been there for me I know you love me and care about me. I know you don't support this decision to get married can we discuss it? I know its possible that you are seeing some things that I'm not so I'd like to take the time to listen to what you have to say." Then ACTUALLY consider everything he says.

3) Discuss with your FI if 3 months of dating (because dating is different than just being friends) is really long enough to date before getting engaged. Discuss how young you both are and both of your financial situations. Will you be able to support yourself? Think about things you have wanted to do in life, because you will probably have to make some sacrifices. Are you wiling to make them? Are you willing to possibly alienate your family?

BF and I are 20, we want nothing more to get married and if we decided to get married next week both of our families would support us 100%. But we know that its better for us to finish school and get good jobs so that we can support ourselves. Its important that we wait so that if we did grow apart (as many people do in their early 20s) we don't have to deal with an expensive and emotionally tolling divorce. We want to give our marriage the best start we possibly can and to do that we are going to wait...another 4 years. By the time we get married we will have been dating for at least 6 years. Does waiting suck? sometimes. Do I wish we could just get married now? sometimes. Do I hate watching all my friends get married to guys they have been dating less time than my BF and I? sometimes. But is it all going to be worth it in the end? YES!!

KD+BC

My standard response. What will it hurt to wait?

hetshup

Is there some sort of cultural or religious thing that we are missing?

Being friends is NOT the same as dating, the dynamics shift massively. Give yourself some time. 

bhdoucette

I agree with bethsmiles' proposed options 2 & 3. I also want to offer some encouragement to you. I'm in a very similar situation. My fiancé and I decided to get married this coming October about 6 weeks into our relationship. (For a total relationship length of 10 months). I am also only 20. Initially my family really pushed me to postpone the wedding. At one point, I thought I would have to choose between my family and my future husband. But as they got to know my fiancé and saw how much we love & respect one another, their opinions changed. It made for a difficult two months, but you can get through it. If you're truly committed to one another and your family's concerns are nothing more than not wanting to lose you (as it was in my case), take care to make sure their negativity doesn't threaten you two as a unit. Also, I want to offer another piece of advice: seek the counsel of a trusted mentor (ie. a pastor, a professor or teacher, etc.). They should be able to offer you sound advice on how to handle your specific situation while respecting your parents. It's also helpful to have a neutral party weigh in. Be as honest with them as possible, and go from there.

rckstr773

i think maybe you should wait me and my fi have been dating for seven years on the 27th i was 19 and he was 18 when we started dating and we are getting married in september , but we wanted to get school out of the way and get jobs, but just sit down and think it through and just dont rush into anything 

jeanacorina

I think your dad has a good reason for not giving his blessing- he wants you to wait because you're young and haven't been actually dating that long. He may be totally fine with your relationship and really like your BF/FI a lot, but still believe you're moving too fast. I'm guessing he hopes that by not giving his blessing, you'll postpone the wedding until you two have had more time together before getting married.

I would agree with your dad if that's the case.

However, you are the only one who can decide how important your dad's blessing is to you, and how much you respect his opinion. Why don't you go to your dad one-on-one and ask him what's up? Ask for his opinion. Don't go in seeking approval, but go as an adult wanting to talk to another adult about their feelings on the matter.

That doesn't ALWAYS work. I tried that with my parents at your age, and they basically said "Because we're your parents and we say so." Which just plain isn't good enough, you know?

But there's a chance he will give you his honest opinion and reasons for not giving his blessing, and you should be open to hearing that. Then, you can decide to disagree and go ahead with your plans, or to see another way of looking at the situation and wait a while longer.

That's totally up to you. You ARE an adult. A young one who has a lot more to experience in life... but still, legally, you can do what you want. You're the one who has to make this decision. Not your dad, and not anyone here.

[Deleted User]

Everyone here has given you some very good advice and I hope you'll consider it.  I really can't add anything to what everyone said, they've pretty much said it all. 

I can't say anything about the 3 months thing because if my BF had asked me at 3 months, I would have said yes (however, I'm glad didn't, I know now that 3 months wasn't right for us).  There is one difference here - I'm 36.  I've lived life and have seen my hopes and dreams change as I've matured and I'm so grateful that the man of my dreams took this long to find me. 

Please don't think I'm saying you're not mature, because I certainly don't know you personally, all I'm saying is that everyone matures as you get older (well, at least we hope everyone matures ) and life happens.  Give yourselves a chance to get to know each other as a couple, rather than just friends. 

If he really is the guy for you, then it's worth waiting a bit and not rushing into anything.

Millykins57

Thanks for all the advice here! To those more detailed responses: I appreciate the delicate way in which your responses were formed. There are several people around me who treat me like the decision to get married is a silly one. I don't want to sound vain or like i'm bragging about myself but i have always been very mature for my age. I've watched my two older sisters make many mistakes in their life (don't we all?) and would like to think that i've learned from many of them. I graduated highschool at the age of 16 and started college at 17. I've held a steady, well-paid job for almost 3 years now and know what responsibility looks like.

On the downside, patience (when it comes to waiting longer than a week or two) is not one of my strong points. I am a piano teacher and can sit with a child and hear them play the same song and make the same mistakes over and over and over and over again. Yet, when it comes to life decisions that require me to wait longer than a month, it about kills me.

I really love my parents and respect their decisions. Because i fully realize that they love me and care for me and have my best interest in mind. Sometimes though, my father can turn that love into fear and concern. Which in turn makes him treat me like a child. It makes me sad that he would not allow us to sit down as adults and have an adult conversation about this. He didn't even give us the opportunity to explain our reasoning and how we had come to this point. But of course, i forgive him for that.

bhdoucette: I really appreciate your advice. Getting my pastor involved is exactly what i have been intending to do. He is very wise and always gives good counsel. Him and his wife are very good friends of mine and would give me sound advice (while treating me like an adult).

I've been considering a lot of things today and for now am just going to wait. The stress of all this worrying isn't doing any good anyways.  I want to allow my father time to get on board with the idea as opposed to going against his wishes (as my other two sisters have) and hurting him. That really is the last thing i want to do.

Once again, thanks all for the advice! Any more is certainly welcome!

bethsmiles

You sound as if you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope you can work everything out with your dad. Talking to your pastor is really a great idea! GL!

noelle24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-yet-but-its-not-fault?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4397a934-43f5-4bf5-a163-d646b42ee812Post:fe0d74e2-cded-4a25-be31-cb4fc88a1d14">Re: No ring yet, but it's not OUR fault.</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't want to sound vain or like i'm bragging about myself but <strong>i have always been very mature for my age</strong>.Posted by Millykins57[/QUOTE]

This means nothing, really.  You can be mature in the sense that you've worked a steady job, paid bills, etc., but not be ready for marriage.

My concerns are this:

1) You're only 20.  That's still very young to get married.

2) You've only been dating 3 months.  Dating someone is VASTLY different than being friends with them.  Especially at your age, I would recommend dating for at least a year before getting married.

3) If you are mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to sit down and have an ADULT conversation with your father about his concerns.  It sounds like he may have some valid ones. 

jeanacorina

I think waiting and NOT planning a wedding right now, as well as getting your pastor and his wife involved as sort of mediator/mentors is a great choice. Good luck, and let us know if you need any more advice.

I still don't think you should get married just yet, but I respect that you seem level-headed.

katanne9

I change my vote to wait. IMO he has every right to withhold his blessing as you have only been dating for 3 months.

run21

I was like you - graduated from high school early, graduated from college REALLY early, and worked full-time, supporting myself, from the time I was 17. I was almost engaged at 20. I'm 30 now. I have moved several times since then. I've had a few different careers (not just jobs). And I've dated a few guys since then. I am SO glad I waited. I am now with an absolutely amazing man. Even if this is the right guy for you there is no harm in waiting. Spend more time getting to know each other. Spend more time getting to know yourself. At 20, you still don't know where life will take you. (I'm 30 and am still excited to find out!)

You know that cliche about the journey, not the destination? And so it goes with relationships. It's the process - getting to know each other, learning each other's habits and quirks, having fun along the way - that's so important. Not rushing to share a last name.

Good luck!

oceana919

1) I'm sorry, but I stopped reading after I heard "I'm mature for my age". I'm sorry, but every person 20 and under thinks they're more mature than their contemporaries. I was in college at 16, I worked two jobs, I raised two kids that weren't mine. I still had a LOT of maturing to do. You do, too, whether you recognize it or not.

2) You've been dating for 3 months. You are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I don't care how long you've been friends with him - being in a friendship and being in a romantic relationship are two entirely different situations. You need to wait.

3) Your dad has every right to express reservations about his 20 year old daughter getting engaged to a guy she's only been with for 3 months. If he didn't have reservations, I'd be worried.

4) I'm 27 years old. I respect my parent's wishes and opinions, and most the time, I tend to follow them, because I tend to agree with them. However, if I honestly feel something is best for me and it goes against what they feel I should do or wish I would do, I'm still going to follow my best judgement. If you're at a point in your life where a parent has enough control to determine where you move or whether or not you marry someone, you are not in a position to be getting married.

5) Are you financially independent? If not, are you prepared to be? Are you ready to pay your rent, utilities, groceries, transportation, health insurance, car insurance, medical bills, taxes, tuition, etc. without any assistance from either set of parents? Until you both are, you are not ready to be married. The greatest thing you can do for a marriage is to start it out on stable financial footing. All you're doing by doing otherwise is setting yourself up for failure.

hetshup

Op- Quick.

How much is.... Car insurance for a male under the age of 25? How much is avg rent in your area? How much is a carton of milk? How much is a loaf of bread? How much do you make a month? Add it up.

jeanacorina

Hetshup I can't answer those questions. Except the how much I make a month. Everything else, I honestly don't know.

**Mutley**

If you are still concerned with 'disobeying' your father, you are too young to get married.  Done and done. 

oceana919

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-yet-but-its-not-fault?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4397a934-43f5-4bf5-a163-d646b42ee812Post:3f68da20-38f3-43fa-9563-8a03768c2e47">Re: No ring yet, but it's not OUR fault.</a>:
[QUOTE]Op- Quick. How much is.... Car insurance for a male under the age of 25? How much is avg rent in your area? How much is a carton of milk? How much is a loaf of bread? How much do you make a month? Add it up.
Posted by hetshup[/QUOTE]

1) If either one of us was under 25, we would probably know.

2) $1200-1400 for a 2/2 apartment or townhouse

3) $2.39 for organic skim at SuperTarget

4) $3.29 for Italian 5-Grain at Publix (that stuff is like crack, it's amazing)

5) Not even close to what I should be.

**Mutley**

How much is.... Car insurance for a male under the age of 25?
Aut is an old fart, so I do not know.  Haha.
I do know that under 25 is a heck of a lot higher than over the age of 25.

How much is avg rent in your area?
For a house, rent is about $1500-1800.
For an apartment, rent is about $1200.
Our mortgage is significantly lower than either.  Woot!  Woot!

How much is a carton of milk?
$2.49 for a gallon of 1%

How much is a loaf of bread?
Depends on the bread.
Cheapie roll into balls of dough bread - $2.39
Delicious fresh french loaf - $3.99

How much do you make a month?
Baby growers are grossly underpaid.

jeanacorina

OMG I SHOUD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN MARRIED I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH WE PAY FOR MILK AND BREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*cries in a corner*

**Mutley**

Jeana, this just means that your marriage is null and void. 

oceana919