Conflicted

Athsea

FI and I have been secretly engaged for a few months now. We got engaged pretty early into the relationship, and we're not financially ready for a wedding or marriage yet anyway, so we kept it quiet. It's been lovely having a secret between us for awhile, but this was mostly his idea, since he wanted to "do it right" with a ring and a spectacle and everything, and his proposal was spontaneous (and very, very sweet). He's a bit of a prideful man, and feels he has to prove himself worthy of me to my family and friends since he doesn't have much to offer financially.  Where he got this idea, I don't know. My family loves him, and treats him like one of the family.

My dilemma is, I don't like lying by omission  to my parents. I know they won't look askance because there isn't a ring on my finger yet. He wants to wait until he's secure in the promotion he's about to get, and has something substantial and shiny on my finger. I love that he wants to do something that special, but we're engaged now, not when he puts a piece of jewelry on my hand. I understand not making it public, but it's important for me to be honest with my family.

We had an argument this weekend when I brought this up. He's upset because if I tell my parents, he feels the surprise is ruined. My mother, I love her, but I doubt she can keep this to herself. It's important to him that people know when the time is right, and I admit I'm looking forward to the "right" proposal he claims to have planned. If my mother could be trusted, he'd feel a little better about telling my parents. I don't want everyone to know if it means so much to him to do a big reveal. He grudgingly told me it was okay to tell my folks, but I know he only said it to make me happy. What do I do?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

redheadtmk

You can comprimise by letting your mother (parents) know that you have discussed marriage in the future and what your tentative plans/timeline are with out saying  you are engaged. That way you are honoring his wish to do the big proposal with a ring, and you can be honest with your parents about what your plans are with your FI. It sounds like being honest with them about the plans is more important to you than whether or not you actually use the word "engaged".

bethsmiles

If you aren't financially ready for wedding or a marriage and you feel like you have to keep this a secret from people right now I guess I don't understand why you are engaged. I would never hide something like this from my friends and family. Getting engaged should be happy and exciting news not a secret only you and your BF or FI or whatever know about. How is your family going to feel when they find out you've been lying to them this whole time? And why do your parents need to be surprised? I seriously doubt they will care if your engagement is a surprise or not.

It seems obvious that the lying makes you uncomfortable and you should never be forced to lie to people you care about. I would tell him that either you and him are engaged now and you are going to tell people or you are engaged when he does his "right" proposal and you will tell people then but you don't like the lying/secrecy so it needs to come to an end.

SeaTea02

If you aren't ready financially ready for a marriage and are almost ashamed of your decisions, you probably shouldn't be engaged.  

AudgiePodge

It's okay to be engaged without a ring, but if you aren't telling anybody you are until you get one, I don't see that as being engaged.

jeanacorina

Not telling the people closest to you that you're engaged is kind of crappy. I get that your guy has some pride issues... that's not all that odd in itself. But seriously? This should be a happy time to share with the people you love. Not a dirty little secret. It's almost like he's regretting his spontaneity and has decided he'd rather do a proposal.

I mean, two people can know they're going to marry each other one day without being engaged. Or they can be engaged without a ring. They can even have a long engagement, I won't judge! But honestly... what is the point if you can't even share it with your family? This really makes me sad. I feel like he's robbing you of that happiness of calling your folks and saying "We're engaged!" The ring and proposal is nice and all... but you apparently already got a proposal. I feel bad that you didn't get to shout it from the rooftops right then and there.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_conflicted?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:44b774b8-e43f-4257-b648-46b7374bfc2ePost:b00e0446-19f1-497c-b8a9-e2a97cc7786d">Conflicted</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I have been secretly engaged for a few months now. We got engaged pretty early into the relationship, and we're not financially ready for a wedding or marriage yet anyway, so we kept it quiet. It's been lovely having a secret between us for awhile, but this was mostly his idea, since he wanted to "do it right" with a ring and a spectacle and everything, and his proposal was spontaneous (and very, very sweet). He's a bit of a prideful man, and feels he has to prove himself worthy of me to my family and friends since he doesn't have much to offer financially.  Where he got this idea, I don't know. My family loves him, and treats him like one of the family. My dilemma is, I don't like lying by omission  to my parents. I know they won't look askance because there isn't a ring on my finger yet. He wants to wait until he's secure in the promotion he's about to get, and has something substantial and shiny on my finger. I love that he wants to do something that special, but we're engaged now, not when he puts a piece of jewelry on my hand. I understand not making it public, but it's important for me to be honest with my family. We had an argument this weekend when I brought this up. He's upset because if I tell my parents, he feels the surprise is ruined. My mother, I love her, but I doubt she can keep this to herself. It's important to him that people know when the time is right, and I admit I'm looking forward to the "right" proposal he claims to have planned. If my mother could be trusted, he'd feel a little better about telling my parents. I don't want everyone to know if it means so much to him to do a big reveal. He grudgingly told me it was okay to tell my folks, but I know he only said it to make me happy. What do I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Posted by Athsea[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Honestly, I think the best solution is to decide that you are not secretly engaged. </div><div>
</div><div>I really do not understand why people say they are engaged, but then they are planning a proposal. Why do people need a proposal if they're already engaged? It just doesn't make sense to me. </div><div>
</div><div>This way, if you intend to marry one day, but you aren't a point where you're ready to plan a wedding and you are waiting for a proposal and a ring...you can be seriously dating, but not engaged, and therefore not lying to anyone. </div><div>
</div><div>Taking a little step back doesn't say anything about you, your BF, or your relationship that is in any way negative. It just means you did something impulsively, and it felt right, but the timing was just a little off, and it makes more sense logistically to just remove that label for a little while.</div><div>
</div><div>If you find yourself unwilling to let go of the "secret engagement," that might be a problem. It's understandable to be slightly resistant b/c you don't want to feel like you're reversing the progression of your relationship. But I personally think it's a sign of a strong and mature relationship and people to be able to say, You know, that felt really good in the moment, and we do want to be at that point, but it just doesn't make the most sense financially/logistically to be at that point right now. </div><div>
</div><div>If you are more resistant than just that bit of initial reluctance, to me, that would indicate feeling a need for that "label" to feel secure in your relationship. And really, what good is a label? No good at all. You need to feel secure b/c you ARE secure not b/c of a meaningless label.</div><div>
</div><div>I'm not saying you are for a fact insecure. I'm just saying you may want to consider the possibility IF you're unwilling or unable to let go of the idea of being secretly engaged. This applies to both you and your BF.</div><div>
</div><div>Do you guys need to be more open with each other to feel more secure? Do you need to be more honest about the really deep things? Do you need to talk in more depth about future plans? Or do you just need a little more time to really settle in to your relationship?</div><div>
</div><div>Just stuff to think about. </div><div>
</div><div>GL and please keep us updated!</div><div>
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desertsun

And a round of applause for anyone who made it through that superlong post. My apologies. I try to be concise but apparently am failing at that today!

PaigeMcC

Desert FTW!! You said everything in my head...but better than I ever could;)

jeanacorina

I read it, Desert. If there's one thing I know, it's that you can be lengthy as long as it's interesting and easy to read. Good job.

PlayOn20

Ditto to Desert's response. I think that many people confuse wanting to be more than "boyfriend and girlfriend" with being engaged. IMHO, you get engaged because you are ready to marry that person and would like to begin planning the celebration that goes alongside the marriage, and make your intentions public. If you are not ready to get married, you shouldn't be engaged. If you are not financially ready to be married, you aren't financially ready to be engaged. You do not need a ring to be engaged- but you do need to be ready to make the committment involved in marriage  and understand that engagement is intended as a time preceeding a marriage.