Likely Another Dumb Guestlist Question

Hazel_B

So, I'm working hard to compromise about kids at the wedding. I'm getting used to the idea despite some of my reservations. Currently, we are in agreement about inviting kids within that family, which has added about 20 people to the list.
 
I asked if we could compromise and limit the children to family members only...so, no kids for friends, co-workers, etc.  FI is of the view that it is rude to not invite all children if there are kids there. I think it is okay to be equal at different levels on the guestlist but not throughout.

Am I being rude or is FI being uber inclusive?

Wrkn925

You can make a cut-off, it just needs to be clear.
 
Example, invite adult FIRST cousins with their children.  This could be the cut off for degree of relation.

This way, it would include nieces and nephews, or anyone of closer relation.  But you don't have to worry about your coworker bringing her kids you've never met.

Hazel_B

I've tried to tell him that we need to set rules and be consistent for the entire guestlist. He just thinks I'm being crazy and asks what we would tell people if they question our decisions. Ummm, how about that we have a budget?

I think I need to show him a detailed budget so that he can see what we are working with. I don't think he understands how much stuff gets included in a budget. He just sees the big final number and thinks that is plenty of money.

desertsun

In theory, I agree with a very clear, consistent cut off.

But sometimes, in practice, that just doesn't work.

For example, we decided not to invite any of my 30 first cousins, b/c only 2 of them had ever met my H in nearly 4 years of dating, and I hadn't seen most of them in 10 years. It was really important to my H and I to keep things as small and intimate as possible. BUT, there was one cousin and her husband that actually bothers to stay in touch, had met H several times, and they're awesome. Their kids are good buddies with my niece and nephew who were going to be FG and RB. So we thought we'd invite just that cousin and her family b//c we actually keep in touch and b/c their kids could keep FB and RB entertained. We also invited more distant cousins on my H's side, b/c his extended family is really small compared to mine. I had more people there in aunts and uncles than he did in cousins. So that's what made sense for us given our families.

We did not invite children of friends. BUT my boss wrote her 18 month old son in on her RSVP. And she's my boss, so I felt I couldn't really say, "I'm sorry, it's adults only" ESP since I know her and I know she would have been offended seeing my nieces and nephew and cousins. 

You know what? It turned out fine.

People get so wrapped up in what other people think when it comes to weddings that it can become nearly impossible to enjoy the process. Just...right now, learn that you won't be able to make everyone happy. You'll do your best, but you can't worry about every single little detail. The most important thing is for planning and the day itself to be happy and enjoyable for you, while of course maintaining a good alance with being a host. But it IS a balance, and you will do yourself no favors by allowing it to tip too far toward accomodating every.single.guest. You know? Do what you can, and don't worry about the rest.

HTH.

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_likely-another-dumb-guestlist-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46245df6-ba02-481a-9034-84e6e25196f1Post:8a7ebc3d-ecbf-43c6-98ef-58b2e59f5ac8">Re: Likely Another Dumb Guestlist Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I've tried to tell him that we need to set <strong>rules</strong> and be <strong>consistent </strong>for the entire guestlist. He just thinks I'm being crazy and asks what we would tell people if they question our decisions. Ummm, how about that we have a budget? I think I need to show him a detailed budget so that he can see what we are working with. I don't think he understands how much stuff gets included in a budget. He just sees the big final number and thinks that is plenty of money.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

Yes.  Those are the key to being fair and covering your ass.

Tell him 'because we said so'. E will give you the same advice.

[Deleted User]

I think it is fine to cut off the kiddos at a certain point. Just make sure the rules are clear between you and FI so you both are on the same page.  I would word invites to aunts/siblings/etc. to "Mr. & Mrs. ______ & Family" and word all others just to "Mr. & Mrs. ____". Most people should be able to figure that one out.

jeanacorina

a) Just be as consistent as you can. It's okay not to invite children of coworkers or friends while still including children of immediate family and maybe cousins if that's how you want to go.

b) read desert's post, because she's absolutely right- it's about balance and you can't ever control every single little thing. Someone whose kid you didn't invite will bring them anyway, it just happens. Go with it.

c) Show your FI the detailed budget. Break it down into price per-person. He should be just as aware of it as you are, especially if he's in on decisions that will affect the budget.

jeanacorina

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_likely-another-dumb-guestlist-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46245df6-ba02-481a-9034-84e6e25196f1Post:8a7ebc3d-ecbf-43c6-98ef-58b2e59f5ac8">Re: Likely Another Dumb Guestlist Question</a>:
[QUOTE]He just thinks I'm being crazy and asks what we would tell people if they question our decisions.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

People are unlikely to question your decisions unless they are either your parents/close family or are just plain rude.

We played up the intimacy of our venue- "we'd love to invite everyone, but we just can't because our wedding location is small and we can only accomodate so many people."

I don't even remember answering that question myself at all. I told my mom to handle questions from my side of the family. We discussed it with MIL as well. We told them we wanted a small wedding and thus had a small venue. It worked out fine. Think about why you want to limit children, and just come up with a polite response just in case it ever does come up. But I doubt anyone will bring it up directly to you.

Beads921

I agree with all PPs. Set a rigid cut off, but know there might be a few exceptions. If people ask why they can't bring their kids, be honest with them. I don't think you're being rude, you're being sensible. Show your FI the budget, I'm sure he'll agree once he sees it on paper.

Hazel_B

Thanks everyone!

jeana - I wish I had the small intimate wedding reason. We plan on having an outdoor wedding at my parents farm. So, unlimited space technically. However, the rentals make it more expensive than other full service venues. I'm just starting to see how much these rentals are adding up to.

jeanacorina

You can certainly say that due to budget, you just can't accomodate all the people you'd like to... or something. That's just off the top of my heavily-medicated brain. It needs some polishing, but that's the idea.

Hazel_B

Thanks so much everyone!

I'm currently working on getting quotes on how much portable toilets will be for the wedding. I figure it is important that I have a good idea on the cost of that essential in the budget because, to be honest, I had no clue how much they cost.  Thus far we are looking at a minimum of $650 + 13% tax for one of those fancy trailers. I can definitely think of prettier things to spend my money on.

niknik15

I am looking at having mine at my parent's house too. What are you planning to do if it rains? I was fine with spending money on the porter potties, my thing was the tent! I couldn't believe how much they wanted just to rent one of those things.

Hazel_B

niknik - We are definitely going to have to have a tent. Considering the possibility of rain and that fact that people were passing out due to the heat at my cousin's wedding.  Although seeing the costs of things makes me wonder if we should reconsider this as an option.

niknik15

Hazel - I am thinking the same thing. I thought it would be awesome to have it at my parent's house considering there are no restrictions on food or alcohol and there was plenty of space. Then I started looking at tents, bathrooms, tables, and chairs. I think things started getting out of control and I am just going to settle on a random place.

Unless you want to split buying a really big tent with me? Then we could both use it and then sell it to someone else?

Hazel_B

Sounds like a great idea niknik, but shipping it from Canada to Texas is likely just as bad.

jeanacorina

Maybe you should compare those costs with a more inclusive venue and see what the differences are, Hazel. It may be comparable in price and probably easier for you to do a venue that will provide most of the necessities for you. Just look around- don't settle on anything yet. It never hurts to have more information for comparison's sake.

calindi

Yipes, toilets are pricey!

I definitely agree that you might want to look around to see how much it would cost to host it at a more traditional venue that's accostomed to hosting weddings.  It might end up saving you some money in the long run, and some headaches in the short run!

And if you do host it at home, be sure to look into liability and insurance - since it's your parents' property, any injuries that people sustain or if anyone gets in a car accident on their way home, could be considered their fault.  Not sure how that works in Canada, but here you'd probably want to look into beefing up the home owners' insurance before the event, or get a rider on your policy to cover that event.  Anyway, just something to look into!

Hazel_B

Cate - Thanks for reminding me about insurance.

Jeana - Yeah, I'm definitely going to put some calls out to some oridinary venues. Right now I'm looking at $6000 and no one has eaten or drank anything yet!

jeanacorina

Oh, dear! That's almost as much as my venue cost WITH food. You could always do a DW in Baton Rouge- I'll hook you up!

niknik15

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_likely-another-dumb-guestlist-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46245df6-ba02-481a-9034-84e6e25196f1Post:f9e24d95-82c0-4dc2-bcaf-a66a4dad72d2">Re: Likely Another Dumb Guestlist Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like a great idea niknik, but shipping it from Canada to Texas is likely just as bad.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

I was planning on coming to your wedding anyways, so I'll just bring it with me when I come :)

Hazel_B

niknik - Sounds like a plan.

Oh, I put the budget in front of FI and he is starting to rethink things as well. So, who knows where we will end up.