Still Waiting

mktimmerman2008

I am glad to see that there is a whole community of people who "arne't engaged yet." I was beginning to feel that I was the only engagement hungry girlfriend out there. 
My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years.  We have talked often about marriage, a wedding, etc.  Two years ago we even went into a jewelry store to look at rings.  You can imagine my excitement.  A year later, I found out that he thought it would "just be fun."  I was crushed. 

THis past September, he wanted me to show him what I liked and didn't like.  He has given me his timeline (within a year from this past August).  Well, as I understood hat to be within the year of 2010. Well 2010 has come and gone.  After another discussion I mentioned that I would like to be engaged before spring break.    I leave on Friday for Key West.  No ring... no sign of one to come. 

I feel like he is completely disregarding what I want and strictly following his own timeline.  I know he wants to get married, and I know that I should be patient and just let it happen. However, I feel like the longer he takes the more irritated, furious, grumpy, and irrational I become.  Would it have been that hard to consider what I wanted when planning an engagement?    I do not want to give him an ultimatum, so I am not going to say anything again about getting engaged. I also think each time I bring it up, he pushes it back.   But how do I keep my cool/sanity as my irritation grows and grows.  I don't know what to do. ADVICE PLEASE! 

peekaboo2011

You need to sit down and have a serious discussion with him.  An engagement is a mutual decision to get married.  Maybe there's something that's holding him back?  Maybe he's had it in his head that there is a certain time and place that he wants to propose and nothing you can say will change that.  FI decided three years ago exactly when and where he was going to propose, and so nothing I said about pushing things back had any effect on him.  

Tell him you aren't trying to push him, but you want to understand what his feelings are.  Try to stay in the moment of your relationship.  If you hold on to too much anger/frustration, it won't help things.

Hope that helps.  Also, are you from Nebraska by chance?  I know it says Indiana, but I have a bunch of friends named Timmerman who live in Nebraska.  :-)

mookow86

I agree that you need to have a talk with him. If you can't communicate now, how will you suddenly communicate marvelously when married? Tell him your timeline and explain it, and listen to his timeline as well without freaking out. I'm guessing that he's going to tell you he's going to propose by August of this year (based on what you said). Then you just have to wait it out. Enjoy the last few months of your dating relationship. Develop hobbies and interests. Post on this board; there's certainly lots of non wedding related talk to take your mind off of waiting.

Ember01

Agreed. You need to talk to him and tell him your feelings. If he isn't ready, you can't force him. When a man is told what he needs to do (i.e. propose), they tend to become like caged animals. They will do anything to get out of the situation. Just calmly explain how you feel, and rediscuss a timeline. It sounds like you had a miscommunication last time you talked timeline.

As my FI told me, the proposal is what the man dreams about his entire life, whereas the wedding is what the woman dreams about. Let him take his time and do it the way he wants to. He'll feel like a "stud" when he does his dream proposal.

Good luck! And remember, you love him and just enjoy being in a relationship with him. If you love him now, you'll still love him in 2 years, if your married or not.

cu97tiger

Yep, talk to him. I've felt how you feel now several times over the past year. Every time, I've sat down and talked to my BF about how I was feeling, and even if he didn't say what I wanted to hear, I felt better knowing what he was thinking, and knowing that he has heard ... and remembered... the things that I've said in the past.

Communication is the key. And living in the moment. Once you're engaged, you'll have people to call, budgets to stick to, etc, etc. Now is the time when you can just enjoy your time together with no other pressures. Enjoy it!

bourgehm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_still-waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46fce50b-1363-4af8-baa1-15fdc5433aadPost:5353425e-34fb-4653-ae95-cfaa4215bcb9">Still Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]I am glad to see that there is a whole community of people who "arne't engaged yet." I was beginning to feel that I was the only engagement hungry girlfriend out there.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years.  We have talked often about marriage, a wedding, etc.  Two years ago we even went into a jewelry store to look at rings.  You can imagine my excitement.  A year later, I found out that he thought it would "just be fun."  I was crushed.  THis past September, he wanted me to show him what I liked and didn't like.  He has given me his timeline (within a year from this past August).  Well, as I understood hat to be within the year of 2010. Well 2010 has come and gone.  After another discussion I mentioned that I would like to be engaged before spring break.    I leave on Friday for Key West.  No ring... no sign of one to come.  I feel like he is completely disregarding what I want and strictly following his own timeline.  I know he wants to get married, and I know that I should be patient and just let it happen. However, I feel like the longer he takes the more irritated, furious, grumpy, and irrational I become.  Would it have been that hard to consider what I wanted when planning an engagement?    I do not want to give him an ultimatum, so I am not going to say anything again about getting engaged. I also think each time I bring it up, he pushes it back.   But how do I keep my cool/sanity as my irritation grows and grows.  I don't know what to do. ADVICE PLEASE! 
Posted by mktimmerman2008[/QUOTE]

You need to calm down. CALM IT. First you need to chat with him. You're getting all irritated, furious, grumpy etc just because you don't have a ring yet. That just is not right. He probably wants ot do it on his own time. And with you saying, "I WANT A RING BY SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" doesnt' help the situation. Maybe he's just not quite ready yet to be engaged. Maybe he's just taking his sweet time.  Talk about marriage more with him and listen to HIS timeline. Since it sounds like he's the one proposing to you, then it's all in his hands.  Chill out.

bethsmiles

I don't understand why when he said with in a year from August, you took that to mean before 2011. I actually disagree with the PPs, you guys talked he told you when he would do it by and just because you can't wait a few months doesn't mean he should abandon whatever his plan is. If August comes and goes then I would have a talk with him. For right now just enjoy your relationship, the engagement will come soon enough.

lmwilber

BF and I have been together for just about 8 yrs, so I understand how you feel. He also did the looking at rings 'for fun' thing with me, about 6 months into our relationship, and even told his parents about it. I know it hurts, I know you are upset, and I know you want a ring on your finger. But do you want the ring, or what the ring symbolizes? I know plenty a girl who rushed into a bad marriage b/c she wanted a ring and pretty princess day. For a long time I thought a ring meant that our relationship was validated. But what really validates a relationship is how much you love each other, how you communicate, and how you compromise.  You have to calm down, and realize that this has to be his decision ( when, where and how).

If you really love him, then just enjoy being with him. If August comes and goes, then sit him down, have a calm rational adult discussion about where he is in this process ( he knows where you are coming from, and frankly this is about the two of you not just you and your feelings). If he's not ready, then you have to decide whether to give it more time, or if he's just not really ever gonna be the one. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM!

Unitl then, whenever you start to get grumpy, take a deep breath and think, 'I'm so lucky to  be  with BF  whom I love because of XY&Z and I don't need a ring to tell me or anyone else that what we have is special.'

PS- Enjoy Key West, its awesome!!

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_still-waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:46fce50b-1363-4af8-baa1-15fdc5433aadPost:6f85d617-d1ee-482d-a95a-d8f0da39f535">Re: Still Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why when he said with in a year from August, you took that to mean before 2011. I actually disagree with the PPs, <strong>you guys talked he told you when he would do it by and just because you can't wait a few months doesn't mean he should abandon whatever his plan is. If August comes and goes then I would have a talk with him. For right now just enjoy your relationship, the engagement will come soon enough.
</strong>Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

I really like the bolded part of Beth's post, it's exactly what I thought of too. What's the real difference between getting engaged now (in March) and August? It's 5 months. You've been together 5 years. 5 months isn't that much longer, especially when you think of the big picture.

If you're going to wait for him to propose to you, then I think you do need to be more flexible with his timeline than yours. If you want to get engaged so badly right now, you could always just propose to him. And I don't think he's totally ignoring what you want either- you discussed a timeline and he shared it with you. I'm sure he wants some time to get ready for it; and those could be any number of reasons, including a surprise, planning, school/work, money, etc.

loves2shop4shoes

Um, hello?  It's called COMPROMISE.  You don't dictate your timeline to him and he doesn't dictate his timeline to you.  You BOTH talk about what you would each like to see and agree on something that makes sense for your relationship.

It sounds like you need to get on the same page.  Have a calm, RATIONAL, non-emotional conversation with him and tell him you'd like to discuss the timeline for your future.  Ask him where he'd like to be in 6 months, 1 year?  2 years?  5 years?  See if this meshes with what you want and come up with a compromise.

If you can't come up with a similar timeline, and it's a deal breaker for you, then you need to leave him.  Don't give ultimatums.  They never work.  They only cause breakups (either immediate or in the long run) and resentment.

There's a BIG difference between discussing timelines RATIONALLY, realizing your priorities are different & this is a deal breaker, and ending things and saying "If you don't propose within X time frame, I'm leaving you."

Good luck.

mktimmerman2008

Thank you so much for your advice.  You're right.  It truly doesn't matter, and when I'm in my "right" mind, i feel that way too.  Sometimes it just takes me a while to snap out of it. It also doesn't help with family members who are always asking "Are you engaged yet?" and a younger sister who had been dating someone for 6 months and is engaged!  (Craziness).  I just need to cool it.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one having these feelings.  I appreciate you helping me! 

Not from Nebraska. Indiana actually.  Sorry!  

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_still-waiting-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:46fce50b-1363-4af8-baa1-15fdc5433aadPost:eba97975-a0bf-4606-a4f3-1cced37883c8">Re: Still Waiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you so much for your advice.  You're right.  It truly doesn't matter, and when I'm in my "right" mind, i feel that way too.  Sometimes it just takes me a while to snap out of it. It also doesn't help with family members who are always asking "Are you engaged yet?" and a younger sister who had been dating someone for 6 months and is engaged!  (Craziness).  I just need to cool it.  It is nice to know that I am not the only one having these feelings.  I appreciate you helping me!  Not from Nebraska. Indiana actually.  Sorry!  
Posted by mktimmerman2008[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I understand.  Sometimes it's difficult to reign in your own crazy.  But keep in mind that it's not a competition to see who among your family or friends gets married first.  Keep the ultimate goal in mind:  to have a happy, successful marriage with the love of your life.

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