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Has anyone ever experienced this

Has anyone ever had a close family membor, who is more like a life mentor than an Aunt? Mine recently went ballistic for no reason. My Aunt J and I have been close for my entire life, and out of nowhere we got into an email fight over me calling her teenagers "children". (for the purposes of the wedding, they are children/minors/underage/whatever) 

She lives 2000 miles away, too far to visit and resolve this in person, like I would prefer. When I call her she either rushes me off the phone or ignores my calls. I know she has her own life stresses right now with her children and marriage... but I just don't understand her reaction to our string of emails.  /rant over

The copy/paste of the emails will be long. I can post.. but need a few minutes to edit out names/email addresses.
www.nurseyk.weebly.com

Re: Has anyone ever experienced this

  • edited December 2011
    Ok so that string of emails is well over 1500 words.

    Cliff notes: my aunt is cheesed that I called her teenagers "children." I spent time to write her a long email with details regarding the rehearsal, where to fly into, the need for a car, hotel prices, etc... and I told her about FI's crappy job situation (very personal IMHO). I'm cheesed that her response was "please refer to my children as adults," like she didn't even give a fck about the rest of the email.

    I put her emails in hot pink, and left mine in black to help differentiate them. If you actually read all this, I owe you more than brownies.... probably my first born child.

    From: My Auntie (life mentor)
    To: Me
    Subject: Hi There
    Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:16:38 -0400

    Hi K 
    I hope you are doing well!  I want to share with you that Fav-teen-cousin-A, myself and possibly Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G will be coming.  We will require one hotel room in Tucson.  Also, for the dinners, rehearsal and wedding – it is best to have three adult meals as Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G now eats off of the adult menu.  Fav-teen-cousin-A is my height and I suspect will grow more by March.  Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G, if she comes will wear a white dress, appropriate for her age, as discussed.  I will have to wait and to determine the cost of the airline tickets if Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G comes, as she came with me last time and technically it is Fav-teen-cousin-A’s turn.  
     I hope you have a blessed day…hope this information helps! Love, Auntie



    From: Me [mailto:Me] 
    Sent: Thursday, July 28, 2011 4:34 PM
    To: My Auntie (life mentor)
    Subject: HI!!!!!!!!!!

     Hi Auntie!
     
    This is long.. bear with me....
     
    So good to hear from you! I am really looking forward to seeing you guys before the wedding so we can spend some quality time together. Just an FYI, tucson is about $20 more to fly into, but 2 hours away from Phx. Totally worth it to fly into Tucson, as opposed to Phoenix, in my mind. It just depends on when you are flying in, how long you are planning on staying in AZ and if you are going back to my parent's house after the wedding. 
     
    FI and I have encountered a tough time in the middle of wedding planning - he may be laid off by the end of the year. We are doing everything possible to cut wedding costs, anticipating his unemployment, and possible need to sell his house and move. Please keep us in our prayers. We are devastated and overwhelmed with stress regarding this. 
     
    Some info for you....
     
    Regarding hotel: 
    I am in the process of deciding whether to book a block of hotel rooms at the resort where the wedding is. They have quoted me a really good price, 25% off the regular room rate. They have quoted me $200/night per room for a block of 5 rooms for that Friday and Saturday night, normally $269. I have to decide if I want to book the block of rooms there. The problem is that if not all the rooms that I block off are rented, then I pay the difference... which we can't do. I need your opinion here, since you are my #1 favorite Aunt and out of town guest! :) How much are you willing to pay for a hotel room? Does quality matter? How far are you willing to drive if I can find cheaper rooms at other hotels? Would you rather arrange your own accomodations?
     
    Regarding Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G:
    How old is Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G? I was thinking of how fun it might be to set up Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G and Carly as pen pals, since Carly is the other flower girl that is Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G's age. :) Thoughts?
     
    Regarding children:
     FI and I have decided that except for the children involved in the wedding party, this will be an adult only event. The kids involved will be: Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G (8?), Fav-teen-cousin-A (10?), Adn (6), Astn (3), Cly (7), and Lly (3). If requested by anyone, we can help find childcare for the evening. The reason being is that there is no discounted rate for kids in our package. We are trying to make this wedding affordable for ourselves, and this seems to be a great idea, especially because a lot of the families with children are local and have regular babsitters/elders that could help. What are your thoughts? 
     
    Regarding the rehearsal:
    The rehearsal is in Tucson at the Westin, on Friday March 9th at 4:00pm, sharp. The rehearsal dinner will be a catered event and will be held at our house. Not sure what the theme will be yet... It will be a more casual thing than a formal dinner. We'll have a friend DJ it (for free), and will be making our own cake for this. Our house is about 30 min from the rehearsal/hotel, so those involved will need to find transportation.... which would also be good in the case that the hotel you end up staying at is not at the resort where the wedding will be.
     
     
    Re: Fav-teen-cousin-A! 
    My little buddy! I can't wait to see him! FI has not yet set up the tuxedo rental for the guys/fathers. As much as FI jokes that he is going to wear a yellow Pittsburgh Steelers suit, it's going to be black/formal. When we have that set up, I will get you the information to look into for A. All of the rental places have children's tux rentals, so that should be easy. I have some ideas on how Fav-teen-cousin-A can help... I am thinking that as our parents arrive, they could be escorted to the front row. Mr. Rentfrow, especially being in a wheelchair, will need assistance (although we will have a caregiver for him for the day for his personal potty needs). Also, as guests arrive he could help at the sign in table and collect cards, ask people to sign our guest book/calendar/thumb print poster. Lastly, after the bridal party pictures are done and before FI and I have our own pictures, I need someone to collect the 5 bridesmaid bouquets and bring them to the coordinator before everyone elseenter the reception hall. (I am using the bridesmaid bouquets as center pieces for the table to save money. Great idea, right?!!!!)
     
    I know this is long... thank you for reading my novel! Feel free to check out our website: www.nurseyk.weebly.com/">www.nurseyk.weebly.com
     
    I'm sorry I was in bad form when you called me on my birthday... I am in better spirits now, even with all this stress. I will be around this weekend if you would like to talk more. 
     
    Love, 
    K



    From: My Auntie (life mentor)
    To: Me
    Subject: RE: HI!!!!!!!!!!
    Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 17:49:07 -0400

    Hi K, 
    At the time of your wedding, Fav-teen-cousin-A will be 14 and Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G will be almost twelve.  Thanks for offering pen pals, but Fav-cousin-sweetlil-G struggles to keep up with her one pen pal.  Both of my children have hit puberty…..I have one teenager and
    one about on the brink.  Please count my two children as adults.
     Love, Auntie




    From: Me
    To: My Auntie (life mentor)
    Subject: RE: HI!!!!!!!!!!
    Date: Thu, 28 Jul 2011 23:15:41 +0000Auntie,
    What I was trying to say is that there is no 'kids rate' or 'kids dinner.' According to the hotel, they are all adults. Meaning, they will get adult meals.


    This where I tried calling her twice in 2 weeks, the first time I got rushed off the phone, the second time she didn't answer or call back.

    From: Me [mailto:Me] 
    Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 1:59 PM
    To: My Auntie (life mentor)
    Subject: RE: HI!!!!!!!!!! Auntie,
     
    From my perception, I feel like I offended you somehow. 
     
    Three weeks ago I spent a bit of time writing to you what's going on in our lives, how the wedding is going, and how I am so excited to see Fav-teen-cousin-A and how I can use him in our wedding. Your response to my email was quite short and made me feel like you had no abolutely response for the questions I asked, lack of care or compassion, inability to respond, not sure what it was. I called to talk to you about it and you rushed me to end the phone call. 
     
    I understand you are busy... I am very busy as well planning our wedding, working full time, in grad school full time, and also dealing with what life is throwing at us. I am sad that I tried to reach out to you, and got nada.
     
    I never heard back from you like you said. All of this being said, I feel like you're upset with me, maybe for calling your children "kids?" I'm not sure what's up... but the vibe I got from you was cold.
     
    Please accept my apology. 
    - K



    On Aug 12, 2011, at 5:01 AM, Auntie wrote:

     Hi K,

    I feel I have shown plenty of care and compassion over the course of your lifetime and I really
    wish that would be remembered as well.  I have tried to be a good Aunt to you K,  given our distance and such.  Yes, you have been offensive and it would probably be best at this point if we would talk on the phone,  because YOU asked.    The email below is a bit accusatory… without stepping back to look to look objectively at the full picture.    
    I feel uncomfortable addressing this with you because I do not  think it will help you at this time I want for you to enjoy this part of your life.  Therefore, it would be best, in my humble opinion, that the matter be droppedI love you very much and I always will.  Enjoy this time because you don’t get this precious time back.  There is no rewind button. Many Blessings to you and FI,Auntie


    From: Me [mailto:Me]
    Sent: Friday, August 12, 2011 11:35 AM
    To: Auntie
    Subject: Re: HI!!!!!!!!!! Auntie,In defense of myself, I did not accuse you of anything, and I did not say that care/compassion has been lacking over the course of my lifetime. That is quite a broad and exaggerated statement to make, especially because the issue at hand here is about the original email. Just one email! Your first paragraph said would be best if this was discussed over the phone. The second paragraph said you wish the matter to be dropped. To discuss or not to discuss? Which is it? Again, like in my last email, I apologize.  - K






    From: My Auntie (life mentor)
    To: Me
    Subject: RE: HI!!!!!!!!!!
    Date: Fri, 12 Aug 2011 15:57:37 -0400

    K,
     
    I love you and and
    want many blessings for you.  I am unable to continue this conversation right now.  When I feel like the time is right,
    then we’ll chat Again, I love you. 

     

    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    First, I just wanted to mention that I think you accidentally left some names in the
    Re: Fav-teencousin-A paragraph.

    Second, I don't think you did anything wrong and were not accusatory at all. Her children are CHILDREN, they are 14 and under. At first I took it as she thought you were not inviting her children because they are not "adults"..and after reading more it seemed like she took you calling them children as a derogatory statement.

    You ARE inviting all of her children, correct? Or am I reading it wrong. If you are inviting all of them, she is really really off base somewhere. They are not adults, and you were not being rude.

    If you aren't inviting some of her children, then maybe she is offended and feels that she should get certain privileges as your favorite aunt.

    Weddings make people go crazy sometimes. Maybe there is another issue she is upset about, and she is being passive aggressive about it? I really don't know. The whole situation is extremely bizarre.
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  • snorwo3snorwo3
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    Well, you don't want my opinion. lol. My next email would be "F you" 

    But seriously, I don't know what her problem is and why she's blowing up over it. All I can think of is a lot of people get offended over "adults-only" weddings. I got kinda lost in your email, I'm sorry! Are all of her children invited to the wedding? Or just some? Or none?

    If you're inviting any of her children, she probably feels that all should be invited. I kinda agree since she's from out of town. If all of her children are invited (I couldn't tell) and she's mad that you simply called them children, it sounds like something more is the matter. Either that, or she's kinda crazy LOL.

    I'm anxious to see what the other ladies say because I am admittedly unsympathetic to people who act like your aunt did here and would have burned my bridge with her if she refused to even talk. 
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  • snorwo3snorwo3
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    double-post, computer issues
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  • edited December 2011
    She needs to GTFO herself. Her children are just that. A teenager does not an adult make. If it were me, I'd not-so-kindly tell her that anyone she wants to bring, she can pay for.
  • edited December 2011

    The rule of thumb: it is an adult only wedding except the children in the wedding party (and their sibs, because that wouldn't be fair). There are 3 FGs, 1 RB, 1 usher, plus 2 others invited because their older sibs are one of the above.

    Meaning: Since A and G are in the wedding party, Auntie can also bring her 3rd kis (who is not mentioned in the emails).

    I don't know what the EFFF her problem is. I quit trying to contact her. I feel like I put in my diligence to call her and mend things.

    At any rate... wedding planning is bringing me and my sis closer. A year ago I would have laughed if someone had suggested taht would happen. So that's good.

    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    WTF is with my family being all crazy and FI's family being the sane ones?!?!!!!
    /rant over

    Confession: this makes us happy that his family is here and my crazy ones are far far away.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    Your aunt has a serious issue if her true issue is that you called her CHILDREN children. 

    Maybe she is offended that you got her kids' ages wrong?  I am grasping as straws because even that is ridiculous. 

    It sounds like something else is going on or she has gone off the deep end.  You have tried to be an adult in this situation.  While she may consider her children adults, she is definitely not acting like one. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Is she related to your mom or your dad?

    ETA:  Wondering if your mom has been talking to her. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this:
    Is she related to your mom or your dad? ETA:  Wondering if your mom has been talking to her. 
    Posted by TheMutleys
    Yep she is my mom's youngest sister. There are 9 sibs in my moms family. Auntie = youngest. Mom = 3rd oldest. The apple(s) didn't fall far from the tree either = grandma was nutso, too.

    EDITED

    I think she did complain to my mom... because when my mom and I had that big fight a few weeks back, my mom berated me for even emaililng her, saying that I shouldn't even talk to her if I was goign to expect her to have to pay for all this. Don't even get me started on my mom... I'm still not speaking to her.
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011

    Deleted - double post.

    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • SKP82SKP82
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited December 2011
    Wow.  This whole thing sounds super childish on her part.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  I have gone through similar issues with my aunt and uncle and have since decided that they're not worthy of being in my life.

    I'm not saying that's what you should do, but if this kind of behavior continues, you may want to consider it.

    *hugs*
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  • csousa1csousa1
    Sixth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    That is so bizarre. She needs to stop acting like a child herself.

    First of all, it seems that she REALLY cares about her kids being teens/preteens versus "kids" - seeing as she mentioned age-related thing in her first email, before you ever brought it up. Why that may be is beyond me.

    Second, could she have thought her children (scuse me, TEENAGERS), were going to be more involved in the wedding? I see in your first email you list ideas for A's involvement, but maybe your aunt thought that he would be an official usher or ringbearer? If so, she is in the wrong for assuming, not you.

    Third, maybe she is reacting to something with your financial stuff going on. Does she love FI? Is she worried that he won't provide for you as much as he "should"? Could she think that you should be postponing the wedding due to the recent life events you both are going through? It's possible that something along these lines is bothering her and that's why she doesn't want to bring it up with you now. Still wrong though.

    The thing that would bug me the most is her refusal to talk to you about it. Honestly, that is petty and makes it seem like she is just holding it over your head to have the upper hand. I would be so pissed about an aunt of mine doing that to me (and, like you, I have one that is a life mentor), that I would tell her I would speak about it now or not at all, because I am no longer a child that needs to have information kept from me for my own good. I can understand why you might not want to go there and blow it up, though.
    I'm sorry you are dealing with this BS on top of everything else. I'm sending hugs and vibes and hoping it all works out nicely for you!
  • ravenrayravenray
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    Wow.  That is all I have to say.  I got to the end of the email and I was like what?
    BTW I am going to be taking a rain check on that first born. 

    I really have no idea why she has her panties in a knot.  Honest, I would ignore her.  When she wants to be an adult then you guys can talk but I really can't see why she blew up at you.  Also it sounds manipulative...  Has she been this way before or is this new?  Also I am sorry you are dealing with this.  This sucks! :(
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this:
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this : Yep she is my mom's youngest sister. There are 9 sibs in my moms family. Auntie = youngest. Mom = 3rd oldest. The apple(s) didn't fall far from the tree either = grandma was nutso, too.

    EDITED I think she did complain to my mom... because when my mom and I had that big fight a few weeks back, my mom berated me for even emaililng her, saying that I shouldn't even talk to her if I was goign to expect her to have to pay for all this. Don't even get me started on my mom... I'm still not speaking to her.
    Posted by NurseyK
    I know about mom drama.  I'm not really talking to mine either.  We can be evil daughters together!!!!  (And 10 times more sane and emotionally healthy.)

    I am thinking that they shared stories at some point.  Your mom b!tched about the wedding dress drama.  Your aunt is crazy cakes.  They validated each other.  It's a lovely cycle. 

    Another theory is that your aunt somehow thought that you were going to pay for her hotel.  Her original email says something about needing one hotel room. 

    I have way too much experience with crazy.


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  • sparkles88sparkles88
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    I have to agree with PPs. At first, I thought she might be upset because you weren't inviting her kids. That is obviously not the case. I don't think she has much ground to stand on for being so upset. Maybe she thinks they are "mature for their age?"
  • cu97tigercu97tiger
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
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    edited December 2011
    The only thing I can see from reading this is that she thought only some of her kids were invited, which, if I was coming from 2,000 miles away and was one of your favorite aunts/mentors, might cheese me off, too. However, that could have been easily rectified through a 30-second conversation.

    The kids ages being wrong she needs to get over... when I went away to college, it felt like all my cousins stayed the same age. Five years later, I'd go back and think I'm going to see my 12-year-old cousin Jimmy, then Jimmy comes rolling up in his souped up Camaro because he's 17. Whoops.

    Unfortunately, at this point, there is nothing that you can do. Try not to let it bother you, and focus on the happy things that are going on!
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  • edited December 2011


    Wait... where is ahstillwell? I need to hear "and not a fck was given that day!"

    Seriously though... I'm not going to be part of her games. This is my engagement, not her place to play one up on me.

    to answer your question csousa - she has never met FI, and knows nothing of our situation or much about him. In fact... I'm pretty sure she doesn't know he is also a father, that we live together, that I have a new job. That is how little we talk anymore.


    Auntie has always been childish and whiny at family reunions... and has been known to be manipulative in that same manner. Nothing new there. I happen to know she has her own issues with life/kids/marriage right now... but she doesn't know I know (my mom has a big mouth). Maybe that is what drove her to the brink of insane rudeness? It's not an excuse... I would understand if she said something like "I am happy for you, but i have too much in my life right now to give you time. Can we talk in a month or two?" as opposed to her responses.

    Thanks for reading my looooooong litany of emails. You all are the best! I feel better knowing that I'm not the crazy one here.

    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    Wow... She is being ridiculous and immature. Just stick to your guns, if they aren't invited, they aren't invited. She can be upset if she wants to, that's her problem. If you want your relationship to heal though, maybe invite the kids because it's not like they'd be running all over the place... my family gets butthurt if we invite some kids and not others, so maybe that's the issue? Hopefully she grows up!

    *edited* wait, if she is known to be kinda immature and selfish and whiny at family functions, then just tell her they aren't invited and she can deal with it herself or not come! her problem!
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this:
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this : I know about mom drama.  I'm not really talking to mine either.  We can be evil daughters together!!!!  (And 10 times more sane and emotionally healthy.) I am thinking that they shared stories at some point.  Your mom b!tched about the wedding dress drama.  Your aunt is crazy cakes.  They validated each other.  It's a lovely cycle.  Posted by TheMutleys

    Holy hello yes. Let's keep each other sane and healthy. This whole thing is giving me a backbone... and making me consider therapy. Good thing NEY is free. :)


    Another theory is that your aunt somehow thought that you were going to pay for her hotel.  Her original email says something about needing one hotel room.  I have way too much experience with crazy.

    Perhaps... but I never offered to pay for anyone's hotel rooms.  I know my mom wants to help her out with the hotel and my dad doesn't. When I heard that fight start I drove away fast... wouldn't you? However... if Auntie would call me... I could tell her that I have a block of 5 rooms booked for $90 a night. BUT since she is being a beeeyotch about it, she can just figure it out when she is over herself. (GEE I hope there is one left.)

    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this:
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this : Holy hello yes. Let's keep each other sane and healthy. This whole thing is giving me a backbone... and making me consider therapy. Good thing NEY is free. :)

    Perhaps... but I never offered to pay for anyone's hotel rooms.  I know my mom wants to help her out with the hotel and my dad doesn't. When I heard that fight start I drove away fast... wouldn't you? However... if Auntie would call me... I could tell her that I have a block of 5 rooms booked for $90 a night. BUT since she is being a beeeyotch about it, she can just figure it out when she is over herself. (GEE I hope there is one left.)
    Posted by NurseyK
    My backbone started growing before our wedding.  Once I had G, I really couldn't believe the crap my mom pulled for most of my life.  It put being a parent into a whole new perspective, and I truly do respect her less now.  Sad, but true.  She is ridiculously unhappy and I am ridiculously happy.  Jealousy is really bad for any relationship.

    I definitely didn't think that you ever offered to pay for her hotel.  I was grasping at straws as to what she could possibly be mad about.

    I am truly sorry that she cannot be supportive during this time in her life.  It really sucks when people turn something happy into something to fight about.
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  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    edited December 2011
    You scan me a copy of the driver's license that shows that those kids don't need my happy ass to haul them around anymore and I'll be happy to refer to them as adults T_T.

  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011



    Ugh. This is why I'm glad I don't have a relationship with any of my aunts and uncles.

    Bllllaaahhh...I HATE confrontation. And I feel like your aunt it being a biitch!!




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  • misikesmisikes
    100 Comments
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Has anyone ever experienced this:
    You scan me a copy of the driver's license that shows that those kids don't need my happy ass to haul them around anymore and I'll be happy to refer to them as adults T_T.
    Posted by ahstillwell
    This. Very much this.

    1. Adults can drink beer.
    2. Adults can rent cars.
    3. Adults can go to strip clubs.
    4. Adults can take out loans.
    5. Adults can lease an apartment.

    I could go on, but...

    6. Adults can buy porn.
    7. Adults can blow their money at casinos.
    8. Adults can get married without parental consent.

    A 14-year-old can none of those things do.
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  • SKP82SKP82
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    edited December 2011
    Can I just add that I am in love with Mutley's emoticons?  They crack me up every time!
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  • Hazel_BHazel_B
    2500 Comments
    member
    edited December 2011
    Nursey, this just sounds awful. FWIW, I didn't see any issues with what you have said. If you did say something that offended your aunt, then I think she should have picked up the phone to call you and ask if she was understanding correctly.

    Just stand your ground.
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