Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...

TheMutleys

Also, while I get that this whole situation is shitty, you need to suck it up and put your big girl panties on.  You need to make the tough choices.  You know what moving forward with accepting the money means.  If you go down that path, you have to reside yourself that these things will continue to happen.  And I hate to say it, but they will continue to happen AFTER the wedding if your FI doesn't deal with his family now. 

mmw&lmd

It sucks not having a lot of money to plan a wedding with, I won't argue with that.  It's never fun when you can't have what you want.  But I believe that you will be infinitely happier later on in life if you do not accept this money right now.  Don't give FFIL the control just so you can afford a "slightly" higher budget wedding.  

I don't know anything about your situation other than from this post, but if I was in a financial position where I could not afford to pay for my own wedding without help, I would not be getting married right now.  I'm a firm believer in independence and financial stability as a unit before marriage.  You can take that however you'd like.  

kellyt89

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:1ec0532f-c925-42ce-894f-4cfd01108677">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]The INSTANT anyone tried to hold money over my head and force my hand in regards to money, I would refuse their money outright. Nothing is worth being trod on like that. Not even if it means ending up with a courthouse wedding.
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

1000 times the above.

Also, I might not know all the backstory, but am I the only one that's bothered that the one person who seems to be making a smart financial decision (bside's mom) is getting completely thrown to the wolves here? She obviously decided that she can't afford to contribute, which is unfortunate, but practical if that's the money situtation. If you can't afford something, you don't buy it. Period.

loves2shop4shoes

Oh BSide.  I have a lot to say, and frankly, I'm not sure you're going to like it.

There are a lot of things you need to do.  First, and most importantly, you need to talk to your FI.  I don't care if his family FIRMLY BELIEVES that you should shiit blue elephants, the manner in which they spoke to you is unacceptable.  And any man who allowed his family to treat you that way is questionable in my eyes.

Once you get a MASSIVE apology from your FI, you need to become a UNITED front when it comes to all things wedding.  Explain to him that this is not 1412, you do not come with a goat, and according to the CURRENT social norms, it is downright RUDE to badger people for money for YOUR wedding and to EXPECT a thing from ANYONE.  If I am correct, you are in your mid-to-late 20s.  You're not a baby anymore.  If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it.

If someone OFFERS you money, you can CHOOSE to accept or decline it.  If I were you, I'd get the money FIRST, then plan a budget.  But it'd be a COLD day in hell before I let someone tell me how much was appropriate to spend on ANY aspect of MY wedding, even if they were contributing.  Which brings me to my next point, IF YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR WEDDING, YOU'RE AUTOMATICALLY ALLOWING THEIR COMMENTS/OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS INTO THE MIX.  If you want complete say in how YOUR wedding is going to run, PAY FOR IT.

I know this is hard for you.  I really, really do.  About a year ago, I was torn to shreds when my father promised to pay for my entire wedding and then rescinded the offer after FI and I spent our life savings paying off debt.  We had to start from scratch, at 23 and 25 respectively, and figure out how the hell we were  going to pay for the wedding we wanted.

And you know what?  I'm glad that I don't have to answer to ANYONE.  FI and I saved up every dime that was put into the wedding.  We EARNED that money, and we decided where it went.  Some people don't like that I'm getting married in Maine.  Some people don't like that I'm having a buffet.  You know what I said to them?  "It's a wedding invitation, not a jury summons.  Don't feel obligated to come."

You REALLY need to pay for this yourself, especially because your FFIL is such an asshole.  If you disregard my advice, and allow this nutcase to pay for your wedding, your planning process will be hell and you'll have a lot of unnecssary stress leading up to your wedding.

The decision is yours.

desertsun

I am so very sorry that this has been so stressful and upsetting for you, Bside. Other people are making things more difficult. That's just the reality. It sucks and you're allowed to be upset.

And then, like I said yesterday, you need to take a deep breath and let it all go.

Start back at square one with your FI. As Mutley said, the party stuff? Yes, it's nice to have, but your marriage is what matters most. Again, as long as you end up married, it's all good, right? Are both you and your FI agreed on at least that much?

Is all the drama worth it? Will your FI get on the same page as you and allow you as a couple to establish some boundaries with his family? If so, proceed with planning, and clearly communicate to his parents that you understand where they are coming from, but the reality is what it is, and they need to accept it and not take it out on you. You cannot change your mom's financial reality.

If his family cannot accept that and othe appropriate wedding boundaries, then scrap your plans and start over. Elope. JOP it up. Figure something else out.

It sounds like those are pretty much the options you have. Talk to your FI and pick one.

It is as complicated or as simple as YOU make it.

xmansmommy2010

Bside - {{hugs}}.  I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  Your FFIL acted like a jerk and frankly, your FI did as well for letting that go on until you cried.  You really should sit FI down and let him know that watching you get beaten to the ground, regardless of who is doing the beating, is unacceptable.

And I'm not sure why it matters who in your family is paying for anything.  Your grands are your family as well, correct?  Does he just have something against your mom?  I could tell you not to take his money, but I can see where you're coming from, and as someone paying for everything along with only FI and a fairly comfy budget, my point of view is a tad different.

On another note, can I have FFIL's phone #?  I need him to get my parents on board with this whole bride's family paying thing! :P  Keep your head up.  Things will work out.

And per Liv's suggestion, if you need NEY DIY help, there is a willing, mildly-crafty pair of hands across the Delaware River

bsidebella

Why does some part of me want to call my mom and really ask why?

When I first got engaged, she told me she could not help pay for a wedding. That was when she was unemployed and living in NJ and supporting my brother still. Now that she is living in a different state and is working and not supporting anyone but herself...is it normal for me to feel like this?

I am not letting FFIL or FI get into my head, but it really does hurt that my mother has seemingly no interest in my wedding. We used to be really close and I always pictured shopping for wedding dresses with her. Now she's like a stranger. It's hurtful.

IrishDreamer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:a1589dd4-815f-4c05-b7ee-b657bba60e64">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does some part of me want to call my mom and really ask why? When I first got engaged, she told me she could not help pay for a wedding. That was when she was unemployed and living in NJ and supporting my brother still. Now that she is living in a different state and is working and not supporting anyone but herself...is it normal for me to feel like this? I am not letting FFIL or FI get into my head, but it really does hurt that my mother has seemingly no interest in my wedding. We used to be really close and I always pictured shopping for wedding dresses with her. Now she's like a stranger. It's hurtful.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

B - I am so sorry you have to deal with this. *BIGHUGS* Give me FFIL's address - I'll make a trip to jersey to kick his butt.

I know how you feel - my mother and i are very estranged.

If you are having these thoughts - call her. Tell her all of it. Worse case?? She gets pissy and doesn't talk to you. Is that really any different than right now when she isn't helping/being excited??

At least you will feel better about getting it all out in the open and off your chest.

mmw&lmd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:a1589dd4-815f-4c05-b7ee-b657bba60e64">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does some part of me want to call my mom and really ask why? When I first got engaged, she told me she could not help pay for a wedding. That was when she was unemployed and living in NJ and supporting my brother still. Now that she is living in a different state and is working and not supporting anyone but herself...is it normal for me to feel like this? I am not letting FFIL or FI get into my head, but it really does hurt that my mother has seemingly no interest in my wedding. We used to be really close and I always pictured shopping for wedding dresses with her. Now she's like a stranger. It's hurtful.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
Could she be in any form of debt from her unemployment?  Maybe she is too prideful/embarrassed to admit she doesn't have the money.  Just because she has a job now doesn't mean she has a lot of money to give away.  I had to decline my sister's 21st birthday celebration because I couldn't afford to make the trip.  I chalked it up to being unable to get away from work, when really it was because I couldn't afford it.  I have distanced myself slightly from family for the time being while I focus 100% of my extra money on paying off debts... Not because I don't care.  Just another perspective. <div>
</div><div>Do not ask your mom why she isn't paying.  It is extremely rude to ask people for money/why they haven't given money.  That would put your mom in a super uncomfortable and defensive position.  Please don't do that to her. Expecting her to contribute is wrong.  Please do not do either of these things. </div>

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:a1589dd4-815f-4c05-b7ee-b657bba60e64">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does some part of me want to call my mom and really ask why?<strong> When I first got engaged, she told me she could not help pay for a wedding. </strong>That was when she was unemployed and living in NJ and supporting my brother still. Now that she is living in a different state and is working and not supporting anyone but herself...is it normal for me to feel like this? I am not letting FFIL or FI get into my head, but it really does hurt that my mother has seemingly no interest in my wedding. We used to be really close and I always pictured shopping for wedding dresses with her. Now she's like a stranger. It's hurtful.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Your mother already said no.  I understand that it's difficult to pay for a wedding and deal with asshole ILs, but FFS, PAY FOR IT YOURSELVES!

Your wedding is not as big a deal to ANYONE as it is to you.  Everyone has their OWN expenses.  No one is OBLIGATED to pay for anything.  You need to stop expecting them to.

bsidebella

I am not expecting anyone to pay for it, please stop saying that. The money was offered. Frankly, what we were expecting to not get any help at all, so we are grateful for the money we will have.

Edit:
Also, I'm not calling my mom to ask her about money. I will not do that. I never intended to. I was just thinking outloud, honestly.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:91e70679-e8e7-4004-84ca-ae4225bea373">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not expecting anyone to pay for it, please stop saying that. The money was offered. Frankly, what we were expecting to not get any help at all, so we are grateful for the money we will have.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Well, the money was not offered by your mother.  In fact, quite the opposite, so badgering her and guilt tripping her is not a good plan.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:91e70679-e8e7-4004-84ca-ae4225bea373">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not expecting anyone to pay for it, please stop saying that. The money was offered. Frankly, what we were expecting to not get any help at all, so we are grateful for the money we will have.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

It was offered with strings.  You don't like the strings but still expect/need the money to have the wedding you are planning.

Frankly,  if you were expecting to not get ANY help, then you would not be in this predicament.  

mmw&lmd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:a1589dd4-815f-4c05-b7ee-b657bba60e64">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Why does some part of me want to call my mom and really ask why?</strong><em><font color="#ff0000"> (We were talking about money before this) </font></em>When I first got engaged, she told me she could not help pay for a wedding. <strong>That was when she was unemployed and living in NJ and supporting my brother still. Now that she is living in a different state and is working and not supporting anyone but herself</strong>. <em><font color="#ff0000">(This implies that now that she is making money & not supporting anyone, she should have the money now)</font></em> ..is it normal for me to feel like this? I am not letting FFIL or FI get into my head, but it really does hurt that my mother has seemingly no interest in my wedding. We used to be really close and I always pictured shopping for wedding dresses with her. Now she's like a stranger. It's hurtful.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

<div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:91e70679-e8e7-4004-84ca-ae4225bea373">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not expecting anyone to pay for it, please stop saying that. The money was offered. Frankly, what we were expecting to not get any help at all, so we are grateful for the money we will have.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
</div><div>
</div><div>The bolded area above leads me to believe that the money does matter to you, whether or not "expected" is the right words doesn't really matter.  If you didn't care about the money then why would you call to ask?  Why would her job state then vs. now matter?  That wouldn't impact how much or little she cared about your wedding.  The only factor that would impact is her money.</div><div>
</div><div>If you're not talking about money here anymore, I must have missed the transition somewhere. </div><div>
</div><div>EDIT: I see your post about not actually calling, just thinking out loud.  Okay, glad you aren't really going to call!</div>

mymissingpuzzlepiece

I'm sorry, Bella. I was going to give some awesome advice... but Mutley said it all. Read everything she said, and I'm sure you will be able to figure out what to do. 

I think you and your FI should have a discussion about what is the most important for your wedding. If the party is the most important part then focus your time on that, which I feel is a waste of time. But if what is most important to you both is just being married to each other, then do away with all of the extras. Have an intimate, small wedding and tell everyone to F*ck Off if they don't like it. 

Everyone here helped me realize that, and maybe this can help you too. 

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:b15a6091-9a34-4cf4-9fec-681632573003">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : Well, the money was not offered by your mother.  In fact, quite the opposite, so badgering her and guilt tripping her is not a good plan.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

I never said I was going to. But I can't help but admit that I wonder what she's thinking regarding the whole thing. Even when we lived in the same state, she never wanted to talk about wedding stuff and she never asked me questions and she never sounded excited. It makes me wonder if she has any other feelings towards me getting married, but that's another issue entirely.

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:8e38f9da-3832-41e6-be7f-3585ac2e77ba">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : It was offered with strings.  You don't like the strings but still expect/need the money to have the wedding you are planning. Frankly,  if you were expecting to not get ANY help, then you would not be in this predicament.  
Posted by TheMutleys[/QUOTE]

ALL of this.  Mutley FTW.  I bet Mutley's baby is fist-pumping.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:a1589dd4-815f-4c05-b7ee-b657bba60e64">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does some part of me want to call my mom and really ask why? When I first got engaged, she told me she could not help pay for a wedding. That was when she was unemployed and living in NJ and supporting my brother still. Now that she is living in a different state and is working and not supporting anyone but herself...is it normal for me to feel like this? I am not letting FFIL or FI get into my head, but it <strong>really does hurt that my mother has seemingly no interest in my wedding.</strong> We used to be really close and I always pictured shopping for wedding dresses with her. Now she's like a stranger. It's hurtful.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Bside - I know you are emotional and stressed out right now, but that is a really, really unfair assumption to make.  Not being able to (or flat out not wanting to) pay for YOUR wedding doesn't mean she doesn't care.  You are adults, it's your wedding, so the only people responsible for paying for it is you and your FI.  DO NOT ask her for any money!

My IL's were absolutely capable of contributing towards our wedding, but they didn't.  At first, I sort of expected them to, but that wore off real quick when I asked myself "why <em>should</em> they pay?"  It's was OUR wedding, not theirs.  They were very supportive of our marriage, and interested in what we were planning for our wedding, but it just plain old wasn't their responsibility to pay and I will NEVER begrudge them that they didn't.

H and I planned the wedding we could afford on our own.  If all we could afford was going down to the courthouse and getting married, that's exactly what we would have done.  I would never ask anyone for money for an unnecessary party, nor would I let anyone treat me like your FFIL did just for a party.

mymissingpuzzlepiece

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:4251213c-c537-4350-8c70-fa866854d93b">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... : ALL of this.  Mutley FTW. <strong> I bet Mutley's baby is fist-pumping.</strong>
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>LOL</div>

caitlin.cave

Money sucks.  Your mother is in no way "obligated" to pay, and to be honest, I don't think your FILs should even know that she isn't contributing.  Since it's too late for that though, your FI needs to get it into his head that just because something is traditional doesn't mean it's mandatory.  Is it customary for the bride's family to pay?  Yes.  Is the world going to end if they don't?  No.  Not at all.  After he figures that out, he needs to tell his father that it's not his business what's being contributed by whom, other than what he's giving himself, and there won't be any more discussion about it.

ETA: Sorry this was a little late, I didn't see the second page of responses.

IrishDreamer

Edit: Okay, my post was meant more in the direction of telling your mother your feelings are hurt because you feel like she has no interest in your wedding, not to bug her about why she isn't helping pay or anything.

My apologies if it came across improperly.

bsidebella

Guys .... I understand my mother is not obligated to pay. I get it, I always did. There are just a lot of other issues there, like her being disinterested.

caitlin.cave

I think it would be okay to call her and talk to her about how you feel like she's distant lately.  That's fine.  In fact, I'd sort of encourage it; when I called my parents to tell them I was engaged, my mother just didn't say anything.  I was upset about it for a while, but when I got the chance to talk to her about it, she said that she's extremely supportive of us, she just wasn't expecting it and she gets quiet in that kind of situation.  If I hadn't talked to her about it, I would have just assumed that she didn't care.  I think calling your mom to talk about why your relationship's been distant is a good idea, just don't necessarily make it about "you don't want to talk about wedding planning with me."

bethsmiles

Have you asked her about her disinterest?

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:8e2c3579-0073-410c-ba15-d125d5d544d9">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you asked her about her disinterest?
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

No, I haven't. Because I'm afraid of what she'll say. I know my mother well enough to assume what she'll say.

tdwpg1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:91e70679-e8e7-4004-84ca-ae4225bea373">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not expecting anyone to pay for it, please stop saying that. The money was offered. Frankly, what we were expecting to not get any help at all, so we are grateful for the money we will have. Edit: Also, I'm not calling my mom to ask her about money. I will not do that. I never intended to. I was just thinking outloud, honestly.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]
If you're not expecting anyone to pay for your wedding, return any money received to your FFIL, tell him you don't want any more money from him if there are going to be all these strings and do something to plan a wedding you can afford, whether that means postponing the wedding or major cut backs or getting a second job or whatever.<div>
</div><div>If you do end up taking the money, I don't think that the strings are going to end with the wedding. It sounds like your FFIL is the kind of person who holds onto things for a long time, and I don't know if you'll ever hear the end of it.
<div>
</div><div>I have to agree with some previous posters as well that it sounds like you should be doing some serious thinking about FI. He was right next to you while your FFIL kept saying all that stuff and didn't speak up until you started crying? Could he not tell that you were getting upset earlier? Why did it take you crying for him to say something?</div></div>

motoLyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:83ed3b7c-9ea6-4499-8945-e03d7253853f">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys .... I understand my mother is not obligated to pay. I get it, I always did. There are just a lot of other issues there, like her being disinterested.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

So your issue with your mom is that your hurt she isn't as excited for your wedding as she is right now.  I have a great relationship with my mom but she doesn't ask ONE question about my wedding.  You know what.... I don't care.  Just because she isn't gushing over it with you doesn't mean she disapproves of the wedding or that she isn't happy for you.  What is it that you feel that you need from your mother?  Then perhaps call her and have a conversation with her about it in an adult manner and see what she says.  Has she been hearing about the wedding drama from you or on facebook, perhaps she's trying to avoid getting pulled into that. 

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:83ed3b7c-9ea6-4499-8945-e03d7253853f">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]Guys .... I understand my mother is not obligated to pay. I get it, I always did. There are just a lot of other issues there, like her being disinterested.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

You're right.  You should call up your mother and say, "Mom, I was talking to some girlfriends the other day about my wedding budget when I realized that you've been DISINTERESTED in my wedding..."

COME ON!  Don't try to act like this isn't about money when the entire post is about money.  You want your FILs money to pay for your PPD.  Your FILs are PO'ed that your family is not contributing and made several ridiculous comments because of it.  You feel like you "need" the money because without it, your PPD wouldn't be your dream wedding day.  So now you're questioning whether or not you should ask your mother, who has already stated that she's not contributing, to give you money.

Give me a break.  This isn't about your mother.  This is about your PPD. 

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:91e70679-e8e7-4004-84ca-ae4225bea373">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I am not expecting anyone to pay for it, please stop saying that. The money was offered. Frankly, what we were expecting to not get any help at all, so we are grateful for the money we will have.</strong> Edit: Also, I'm not calling my mom to ask her about money. I will not do that. I never intended to. I was just thinking outloud, honestly.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not understanding that if this (bolded part) is the case then why can't you still have the wedding you & your FI want with out your FIL's help?</div>

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ranty-venty-im-gonna-cry-please-dont-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4a6a577d-03ca-42d9-a8ea-295fa0811429Post:d45213e0-fca0-40e8-8b3b-1211f0d1a205">Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ranty, Venty, I'm Gonna Cry, Please Don't Judge... :
He was right next to you while your FFIL kept saying all that stuff and didn't speak up until you started crying? Could he not tell that you were getting upset earlier? Why did it take you crying for him to say something?
Posted by tdwpg1984[/QUOTE]

That's not what I said. Everything happened in such a blur last night and people were talking over one another, what my OP said was not a real-time description. He did not do nothing, he did try to defend me and our decisions, but when I left the room, that's when he really exploded because he saw I was so upset I couldn't even stay there.