Need to blow off some steam...

kdwyer4

Last night the BF and I discussed the fact that I do EVERYTHING around the house, dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning etc...and he does help with the dishes OCCASIONALLY (we dont have a dishwasher in our apartment, if we did dishes wouldnt really count as house work) I knew what I was signing up for when I moved in with him but all I am asking is for him to help once in a while and pick up after himself.

Anyway so we were discussing it last night and he mentioned that his dad doesnt help around the house, his mom does everything and he didnt think it was a big deal to not help...well his mom is a stay at home mom, she doesnt work out side of the house.

I freaked out, I work 40 hours a week, on a slow week, and voleteer and I am on the board for a few committees as well. I still manage to get everything done but I dont think I am out of line asking for some help.

His mother doesnt work, I understand that being a housewife is a big responsiblitiy but so is working full time and being a house "girlfriend", that doesnt make it excusable for his father not to help but still I would expect him to understand what I am pissed off about when he made the comment

UGH men do not get it!  sorry just had to vent a second. he is great in any other aspect, i keep telling him i should have just moved out by myself, it would have been half the laundry and half the dishes

heyimbren

I completely agree with you feeling annoyed by this. I would find it exhaustisng too.

But it isn't "men" who don't get it- in this case it's your BF. I know guys who DO get it (my BF being one of them) and will help out around the house.

Did you two just move in together recently? I think this is an issue that needs to be discussed and a compromise needs to be reached.

kdwyer4

we moved in together in August, I think he has cleaned the toilet once and helped with the dishes like 3 or 4 times... do you girls have any ideas as to how to "bribe him" or make it his idea to help haha. the only time he seems to help is when he knows im angry.

PaigeMcC

I think you need to beat him with a broom, or vacuum, or something.  I'd be really annoyed.  FBD and I had to have the "cleaning" talk when we first moved in.  He just didn't get it.  Now I find he will help but I have to ask him, and direct what I want done.  He's more than happy to take out the trash, he just won't think of it until I ask him to.  I think your conversation was a good start...next you might just need to start reminding him of things you'd like help with.  There's no reason why men can't help out too.  It's not your job to do his laundry;)

deburnin

I can understand your frustration. I'm currently a "stay at home girlfriend" (I just finished school a week ago). BF works full-time and then some, so I do most of the housework. He helps out when he can, but it can still get tedious cleaning up after him.

Was that the only answer your BF gave you what that his mom did it alone? He didn't offer to try and help more? I'd be pretty POed. I think you need to sit down and have a chat about chores and how you aren't like his mom (you work full-time) and then try to divvy up the chores evenly.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-blow-off-steam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4bc229dd-7a65-41d4-8a12-dae89f70beb3Post:1e5920ee-e656-4064-8fb5-af378ef0b5b2">Re: Need to blow off some steam...</a>:
[QUOTE]we moved in together in August, I think he has cleaned the toilet once and helped with the dishes like 3 or 4 times... <strong>do you girls have any ideas as to how to "bribe him" or make it his idea to help haha. the only time he seems to help is when he knows im angry.
</strong>Posted by kdwyer4[/QUOTE]

See, I just don't think those are good ways to work things out. He shouldn't be waiting until you're angry, and you shouldn't need to bribe or manipulate him to get him to help out a little. You're both adults, and need to learn to discuss these things in a mature way. Have a sit down conversation with him and you can both explain to the other why this matters to each of you and what your opinions are. Then come to an agreement and write it out if you have to.

It's a big adjustment to make, but it's a necessary one.

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-blow-off-steam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4bc229dd-7a65-41d4-8a12-dae89f70beb3Post:e8b6f691-8bef-43b4-a44b-c511e436597e">Re: Need to blow off some steam...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need to blow off some steam... : <strong>See, I just don't think those are good ways to work things out. He shouldn't be waiting until you're angry, and you shouldn't need to bribe or manipulate him to get him to help out a little. You're both adults, and need to learn to discuss these things in a mature way. Have a sit down conversation with him and you can both explain to the other why this matters to each of you and what your opinions are. </strong>Then come to an agreement and write it out if you have to. It's a big adjustment to make, but it's a necessary one.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>This. There should be no reason to have to bribe him, he's not a child. If you're already to the point of living together, I think you should be able to have a conversation about how the way things are right now isn't working and come up with a solution together.</div>

ravenray

You shouldn't have to bribe him.  Maybe have that talk again.  Tell him it makes up upset that you have to do all the work.  Explain you're busy and tell him it would mean a lot to you if he would make a little more effort around the house. If he can't respect that then maybe you should consider moving back out so the house work doesn't stress you out so much. 

calindi

Yep, he doesn't get it.  It sounds like it was a misunderstanding, and perhaps a simple oversight that he was accustomed to something different than what you were.

Coming from someone who is a messy person naturally, specifying chores can actually really help.  If one person is naturally cleaner and just says something vague like "help a little more", it likely isn't going to solve the problem.  Specifying who is doing which chores and how often can certainly help clear up confusion.

In our house, I clean the bathrooms, wash & fold laundry, and cook.  BF takes out the trash, does the dishes, and sweeps & mops.  We're both messy, so the regularity of it is a bit off, but that's the general division of chores.

kdwyer4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-blow-off-steam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4bc229dd-7a65-41d4-8a12-dae89f70beb3Post:a3711ff7-0574-4ee5-9efa-f08f137d1f8f">Re: Need to blow off some steam...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to beat him with a broom, or vacuum, or something.  I'd be really annoyed.  FBD and I had to have the "cleaning" talk when we first moved in.  He just didn't get it.  Now I find he will help but I have to ask him, and direct what I want done.  He's more than happy to take out the trash, he just won't think of it until I ask him to.  I think your conversation was a good start...next you might just need to start reminding him of things you'd like help with.  There's no reason why men can't help out too.  It's not your job to do his laundry;)
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]


Haha I like the beating him idea best so far =) yeah we will have a chat this evening.

Last weekend was the tipping point for me I scrubbed the whole apartment, and while i was cleaning the bathroom he asked if I was going to make lunch (he cannot cook, it is a fire hazard if he touches the stove) and i told him i would when I was finished with the bathroom but he did preheat the oven and put water on boil and when i got things started he decided he had to leave for a wedding he and his family were going to (wedding started at 4:30, he left at 1:30) i was FURIOUS!!!  I did explain why i was so pissed when he got home from the wedding, he didn't realize him leaving while I was making lunch for him would make me mad he thought he could just eat it when he got home later. I was ready to kick his skinny little butt. 

All this complaining makes him seem like an awful man but he really is amazing to me. 

Yes his only excuse for not helping is that his mom does it all on her own, if I stayed at home our house would be spotless (i am slightly ocd) but I don't so the weekends are usually when i get down and dirty and scrub the place.  I just hate having to ask him to help 10 times, getting him to say yes then half an hour later it is not done. ARGHH

kdwyer4

Thanks for the suggestions girls, I think you are right about making a chore list for him, I think the fact that he has never really had to do anything while he was growing up has alot to do with why he doenst help now.

heyimbren

Chores lists are definitely a good way to start out and figure things out.

Okay, I just have one other thought. How picky are you about it being clean? I understand wanting things tidy, but it sounds like you get really stressed out from trying to do everything and it sounds like you have higher expectations for cleanliness than he does. You might need to give a little on that to make things work out as a compromise. There shouldn't be mouldy dishes lying around, but it doesn't need to be spotless all the time either. But he should be pitching in if he can.

kdwyer4

Im not too picky, he did the dishes the other day and when i put them away there was one that wasnt 100 percent clean so i recleaned it, which didnt bother me. I appreciate the effort he gave- so even if I had to re-sweep a spot on the floor or somthing after he swept it (with out him knowing of course) It would still mean cutting back on how much work I had to do.

I am just more concerned about when people come over, throughout the week things get a little messy which is fine but I try to make sure the house is all but spotless when we have guests, mostly because we still have people coming over that haven't seen our place yet. I don't want them to think we are pigs haha.

motoLyn

I concur with the ladies, split the chores.  That way there is no question as to who does what.  And he needs to know that you and his mom are not the same.  You have to set the foundations now.  FI and I split our chores, he cooks, I'll do dishes, he has the duty of the bathroom and I'll vacuum the home.  We each do our own laundry and he has spider killer dutiy!  I hate spiders, which then makes em so grateful that I'll take out the trash once in a while. 

calindi

We had a talk about chores if I am to be a SAHM at some point.  We decided that it was fair for whichever parent is staying home to manage the lion's share of the shopping, cooking, and cleaning.  Personally, I do find that fair.  But if you're both working full time?  Heck no!  He should help!

That said, people have different levels of cleanliness and order that they're comfortable with.  And certain levels of messiness that they can tolerate before they'd feel inclined to clean.  So while something might bug you, it might not even set his radar off.  Open and fair communication is key - getting mad at him or yelling is rarely productive in getting someone to clean.  Saying, "Listen, Susie and Bob are coming over for dinner.  I'd like to have all the dirty dishes cleaned and put away, the floors swept, and in general have the house picked up.  Can you do the dishes and I'll sweep and clean the house?" is more likely to get results than "Can you help me clean?"  Be specific on what you want him to do and when you want him to have it completed.

BF can't stand dirty floors - drives him nuts!  And he doesn't like mail being left on the counter.  But he'll spread his dirty socks and law school books and papers all around the living room.  And leave the toilet seat up.  Ugh!

lmwilber

Ok BF and I had the exact same issue when we moved in. Here's what worked for me: First, ask him to do something, but let him see that by doing it he is helping you out, example  "I'm so stressed over X, do you think you could do Y for me? It would be a big help!" 

Then, leave it alone. Don't tell him how to do it (unless he asks) or give him a hard time b/c its not done the way you would have done it. You want to remind him of his mother as little as possible. Also, he is not a mind reader, and since I assume that he never did much to help his mom either, might have no clue how much work it takes. Its ok to ask him for help, but you have to be willing to let him do it his way. Sure, the towels might not be folded the way you like, but hey, at least he folded them. Once its done, try to thank him in some small way. I prefer beer and/ or sex  

orangecrush32

My bf is the same way. I'm not a clean freak by a long mile, but he can live in some disgusting filth. I find his old socks in the couch when I sit on it. It's quite unpleasant. We aren't living together yet, but I've already started on him to help out his mom with keeping the house tidy. I'm hoping this will translate into him helping when we move in together. If not, we'll definitely have a discussion about it.

[Deleted User]

My BF and I do not live together, so I realize my experience is a bit different here. At a minimum, I think individuals should be able to manage their own messes. I don't pick up after him and he doesn't pick up after me. No one is the other one's maid. For laundry, dishes, and things of that nature...we both do our own "cleaning" along the way.

As far as other general duties go (dusting, vacuuming, trash, dog duties, etc.) we split them pretty evenly. Maybe explain to your BF that both of you contribute financially (work), so you'd like the home upkeep to be an equal effort too. 

As far as cleaning before having company over - I am similar to you and also like to have everything looking nice. BF and I usually tackle this type of cleaning effort together. Instead of giving him a list - perhaps you could set aside an hour once a week (or however often is necessary) to clean together. This way, no one feels they are doing it alone, and the equal-ness is in the time spent instead of the number of tasks. Turn on some music and make it fun...

Just my thoughts - hope they help!

leia1979

I really think a list will help, along with an expected timeline and/or frequency.

My FI does the dishes. But he has a tendency to let them sit around, which bothers me. I really try not to bug him though, as it's his job and he'll get to it, even if it's not as soon as I'd like.

Example:
Chore name    Owner    Frequency
vacuuming      K             once every two weeks

Maybe you don't need something that explicit, but if you do, then there's no arguing. If the responsibility isn't fulfilled, you're entitled to nag, prod, etc. If the agreed upon timeline hasn't yet expired, then you stay quiet.

desertsun

Ditto whereyat. She had great suggestions for specific wording to use when you want help.

But you need to be prepared that you may not be able to change the habits of a lifetime.

You may need to learn to just accept how he is and develop strategies for dealing with it so you don't go crazy.

Marriage or engagement will not magically turn him into someone who automatically cleans. You will probably have a lifetime of saying, "Honey, can you please take the trash out today?" or "Honey, can you fold and put away that load of laundry in the dryer?"

If you can't deal with that, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship.

MissOwl

we switch back and forth and decided this in our roommate contract that we created when we moved in 3 years ago. i used to be an RA in college and so i was adamant that we talk about things like chores, alone time, having guests over, etc.

our schedule is...

kitchen and vaccuum - mr.owl

bathroom and dusting - missowl

then the next week we switch. all chores have to be done once a week by sunday. if you don't do yours then you have to do all four the following week. 

in addition to these, we also take turns doing dishes, doing laundry and taking out the recycling. 

we do have some things that are just ours though. mr.owl takes out the trash and i always clean up our desk/papers/drop zone where we throw our crap after work. 

hope that a system like this helps!

bethsmiles

This thread makes me love BF so much more. We don't even live together and he helps me clean

and ditto everything desert and whereyat said!

loves2shop4shoes

So he's great in every other aspect besides the fact that he's antifeminist and expects you to act like his 1950s housewife?  Well good...NBD.

Seriously...tell him that unless he's into some new bizarre type of role playing, he will not be f**king June Clever.

CFar13

BF helps clean when asked. Messes don't bother him at all. But if I ask him to pick up the cups he's left lying around and bring them to the kitchen for me to wash, within a couple hours it'll be done. He also takes out the trash, runs the dishwasher, etc. He just needs to be asked to do it, he doesn't realize when it should/needs to be done.

Your honey just needs to get used to helping out, since it seems that he really has had no experience with it. He may even be embarrassed if he doesn't know how to do something. I mean, if I had never run a dishwasher before, I wouldn't know where to put the detergent!!

SeaTea02

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-blow-off-steam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4bc229dd-7a65-41d4-8a12-dae89f70beb3Post:51080990-c758-4748-8f1f-96ddb22e2614">Re: Need to blow off some steam...</a>:
[QUOTE]So he's great in every other aspect besides the fact that he's antifeminist and expects you to act like his 1950s housewife?  Well good...NBD. Seriously...tell him that unless he's into some new bizarre type of role playing, he will not be f**king June Clever.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>agreed. 

</div>

AJesteram

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-blow-off-steam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4bc229dd-7a65-41d4-8a12-dae89f70beb3Post:a3711ff7-0574-4ee5-9efa-f08f137d1f8f">Re: Need to blow off some steam...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you need to beat him with a broom, or vacuum, or something.  I'd be really annoyed.  FBD and I had to have the "cleaning" talk when we first moved in.  He just didn't get it.  <strong>Now I find he will help but I have to ask him, and direct what I want done.  He's more than happy to take out the trash, he just won't think of it until I ask him to. </strong> I think your conversation was a good start...next you might just need to start reminding him of things you'd like help with.  There's no reason why men can't help out too.  It's not your job to do his laundry;)
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

THIS. Exactly.
Guys tend to not notice some things that women do...like when the trash is full and needs to be taken out :/. BF mostly helps out- I usually do most of it but he's pretty good about doing something when I ask him to...or I'll mention that I did 'such and such last time'- now it's your turn :)
You just need to let him know it's too exhausting to do EVERYTHING yourself. If he never did anything I'm pretty sure our apt. would be a disaster!

JMM4208

I don't live with BF but he went through a hoarder-esq phase and this is what I did to get the point across. I cleaned his entire apartment: 1-I timed myself on how long it took, 3 hours. 2- if a bug ran out at me or I found a carcass I would kill it and move it to a piece of paper in the middle of the room it came from. 3-I washed all his clothes and used fabric softener (he didn't know it existed) except for his socks because they were in annoying little balls, he can do them 4- Anything that had mold on it (in the fridge) got put in the sink for dramatic effect. He came home and was amazed and then freaked out when he saw the bugs and mold he didn't know existed. I think he got the point that the sock balls annoy me too. Now he has kept his apartment clean for 5 months, im proud.

kdwyer4

We talked last night, and what do you know....all of the dishes were done, dried and put away this morning

I explained to him that it is too overwhelming to do all of the cleaning etc on my own (very calmly) and he said that he is more than willing to help with laundry when i head to my parents to use their washer and dryer. The toilet was even cleaned this morning when I got up. He is on day shift now and has to be at work at 5:30 am so I guess he got up a little earlier than usual to help out.

I plan on showing him how to actually sweep and use the vaccume and maybe even dust etc. I really do think he has no idea how to do it considering it was always done for him at home- he never really knew any better I guess since its his first time out of the house.

I really appreciate the help girls. If he starts to slack off again I will resort to the chore list.  I like the idea of having a dead line and if its not done then the person who didnt finish has to do all the chores the following week.

Believe me he is not a feminist- his monther just sheltered him waaaayy too long! He also had 3 sisters that were like mothers to him so he is use to having his hand held. Like i said we are still early in the living together phase so i think were going to grow together.