Scared for My Mom

loves2shop4shoes

Hi Everyone!  I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.  I'm really concerned about my mother and need to hear your opinions on the situation.

Basically, my mother never seriously dated again after she and my father separated 20 years ago.  She's had a couple of first dates, but that's about it.  She'd been set up on blind dates, tried online dating, and nothing.  Personally, I think she has RIDICULOUS standards (think George Clooney) and I'm terrified that she'll be alone for the rest of her life.

I got her to join OKCupid because I have friends that met their SOs on there.  They said it's a great way to meet non-creepy, non-desperate people online.  So she joined and met this guy.  The two of them really hit it off, emailed every day, spoke on the phone daily, and has TONS in common (including weird stuff like their mutual obsession with Monopoly).  So, my mom was ECSTATIC.  Literally, in my life, I've never heard her so excited about a guy.

They met up yesterday to go on their first date.  So, I get a call from my mom and she said "there was no chemistry".  I ask her why.  She tells me that they met for coffee and then went out to lunch, that he was really smart, funny, polite, a good conversationalist, good-looking, had a good body, opened doors, pulled out chairs, paid for her, etc.  Within seconds of meeting her, he told her she was a "10.999 on a scale of 1-10" and showered her with compliments.

So what's wrong, you ask?  He wasn't dressed "classy enough".  No, I'm not kidding.  He was wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt, and black sneakers.  Apparently his jeans and shirt weren't ironed, had stains, and were too loose.  And for this, she immediately said, "there's no chemistry".

Apparently, over lunch, she scolded him repeatedly about the way he was dressed, saying among other things, that he was sending her a "direct message that he couldn't be bothered to look nice for their date" and he took it very gracefully.  He asked her if she wanted to go out again, and she said no.

I'm SO MAD at her right now.  I explained that, ok, maybe he should've dressed up a little more for a first date, but that clothes are changeable--ugly, stupid, and a lack of morals are forever.

I don't even know what to say anymore...I feel like she didn't even give this man a shot and it really could've worked out.  I think she's going to die alone and I'm worried about her.  And honestly, she needs to get more realistic expectations.

What do you all think?

heyimbren

I agree with you that I think her expectations are extraordinarily high. I have a friend like that too.

BUT at the same time, it is her life. I mean, I guess I'd mention something about her high expectations but I also wouldn't want to make a big deal out of it. Just to give her another perspective and something to think about. Ultimately, it is her life. And if she's ruling him out over his clothing, then maybe there really wasn't any chemistry and she doesn't want to be with him that badly. My grandparents separated like 25-30 years ago and my gramma never dated again. She seems okay with that, and I can respect that.

loves2shop4shoes

I hear you Bren.  It's just that my mom is always making comments about how she's lonely and wishes she could find "her guy".  It's like, as if dating over 50 isn't hard enough...my mom's standards make it IMPOSSIBLE!

rxjen

I understand how you feel....My mom had been married twice before she met my stepfather now....We all worried that she would end up alone since she had high standards but then she met my stepdad one day walking home from fishing.......I think your mom will eventually find that person in time, everyone eventually does, even if they are online or walking down the street...... :0)

sapphirebaby926

If she has high standards then that's her problem. All you can really do is point out to her how silly some of them are. Maybe she's not really ready to date yet and doesn't want to admit it so she goes out on dates just to see if she's ready yet. She may never date again and that's something you may have to accept. Not everyone gets back into the dating world after a divorce.

nottheonlydreamer44

Knowing how your Mom is with her disorder, it does not shock me that she has this kind of behavior when she meets someone she likes. The inability to maintain stable relationships is a key ingredient of her disease. That being said, her standards are her standards (even if you think they're unrealistic and BSC) you can't change them.

I know you don't want her to end up alone, I don't want my mom to either, it's okay to feel that way. You know as well as I do that you can't change her by now. Maybe she is scared to get back in the game especially with someone who seemed to have SO much in common with her, when your Dad didn't.

Try not to get too frustrated with her actions as difficult as that may be. Hugs to you and get ahold of me if you need to.

GreenPepperBurger

She needs a good talking to, but that might not be what she wants to hear. As PPs stated, it's her life. You can only do so much, but in the end, people will do what they are going to do anyway.

FWIW, BF was a SLOB when I met him and while my mother liked him when she first met him, she wasn't so thrilled with the way he dressed (think unironed clothes, jeans with holes, etc.). He's gotten better over the years (a prodding girlfriend that picks out your clothes will do wonders), but sometimes he's still a little slovenly. But my mom and I both realize that if THAT'S the worst thing you can say about a person, then it isn't so bad.

desertsun

I'm sorry, Shoes. I know you love your mom and you just want her to be happy.

Don't beat yourself up about things you can't control.

All you can do is listen and just love her. Don't enable behavior you don't agree with, but try not to let it be a source of conflict or worry. Easier said than done, I know.

*hugs*

ETA: I deleted parts of this post. I was worried after Dreamer posted (even though I didn't get a PM), so I tried to remove anything that might have more info than Shoes wanted out there.

nottheonlydreamer44

Desert YGPM

desertsun

Hmm, I don't see a PM, Dreamer. Try it again?

nottheonlydreamer44

You should have it now Desert

bethsmiles

I guess I don't get why this makes you angry. She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Does she have friends? family? people who care about her? if the answer is yes, then she won't die alone. You can't force her into a relationship, so I think you just need to let it go.

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_scared-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d71d98a-6e5a-407d-9708-ce031d47e0d9Post:f693ad9d-f819-4380-80ec-cb978c3ce26c">Re: Scared for My Mom</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I don't get why this makes you angry. She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Does she have friends? family? people who care about her? if the answer is yes, then she won't die alone. You can't force her into a relationship, so I think you just need to let it go.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

<div>This. My gramma has never been in another relationship since she got divorced, which was some 30+ years ago. She's gone on a few dates with a few guys here and there, but nothing serious. She's not miserable or unfulfilled. Being single just works for her. It's strange to think of her ever having a husband.</div>

desertsun

Dreamer, back at you.

Shoes, any updates?

Hazel_B

I'm sorry to hear that Shoes. It really does sound like your mom has some really high standards that would be hard for any man to fulfill.

However, just to add a little story.  I had a co-worker who went out on a date with a guy and came back saying there was no chemistry. When we asked why she said that he had long sideburns and wore a huge ring. We thought she was being ridiculous. Now she is dating this guy who we'd never have guessed she'd date. I think with the first guy, she didn't have the right vibe and couldn't put it into words because everything else seemed perfect. Maybe the same thing happened to your mom?

chaiteachick

Sounds like your mother enjoys being miserable.

Seriously, mine does. They would love one-upping each other's sob stories. THAT would be a total match.

-.-

loves2shop4shoes

Thanks for all of the feedback ladies.

Sigh.  I hear what you're all saying.  I really do.  I know I can only control myself and if my mom chooses to have these ridiculously high standards, then that's her decision and ultimately, it's her life.

It's just that my whole life, she's always been alone.  Now that she's in her 50s, she ALWAYS making comments about how she's lonely and how she's so ready to find someone.  But yet, she has all of these ridiculous expectations.  She refuses to make the first move.  And she refuses to move outside of her comfort zone.  Then she'll make comments to me like "Oh, your so lucky you and FI found each other."

Well, yes, we are lucky.  But honestly, when I first met FI, I didn't swoon.  I thought he was a nice guy and I developed a friendship with him that led to more.  But if I had immediately dismissed him as "he's not well dressed enough" (which believe me, back then his wardrobe was quite scary), then I'd be missing out on a wonderful person over nonsense.

I do realize that maybe her BPD does play into this a bit.  It could also be driven out of fear.  I don't know.  It's just really upsetting to me because it seems like she's really unhappy.  And, as complicated as our relationship is, she's my mother and I love her and I want her to be happy.  I guess in this situation, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

nottheonlydreamer44

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_scared-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d71d98a-6e5a-407d-9708-ce031d47e0d9Post:e509a995-2e51-44c8-b6ff-d78b8e8d458d">Re: Scared for My Mom</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all of the feedback ladies. Sigh.  I hear what you're all saying.  I really do.  I know I can only control myself and if my mom chooses to have these ridiculously high standards, then that's her decision and ultimately, it's her life. It's just that my whole life, she's always been alone.  Now that she's in her 50s, she ALWAYS making comments about how she's lonely and how she's so ready to find someone.  But yet, she has all of these ridiculous expectations.  She refuses to make the first move.  And she refuses to move outside of her comfort zone.  Then she'll make comments to me like "Oh, your so lucky you and FI found each other." Well, yes, we are lucky.  But honestly, when I first met FI, I didn't swoon.  I thought he was a nice guy and I developed a friendship with him that led to more.  But if I had immediately dismissed him as "he's not well dressed enough" (which believe me, back then his wardrobe was quite scary), then I'd be missing out on a wonderful person over nonsense. I do realize that maybe her BPD does play into this a bit.  It could also be driven out of fear.  I don't know.  It's just really upsetting to me because it seems like she's really unhappy.  And, as complicated as our relationship is, she's my mother and I love her and I want her to be happy.  I guess in this situation, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Maybe my mother and your mother should get together and talk. This is the same kind of thing she would do; though she proclaims that she just doesn't EVER want to be with anyone again. Which is fine but I wish she'd give it a shot. :( Perk up, pretty girl ... everything will work itself out. I'm more happy that your relationship is getting better with her (kind of).

Love you!