Is it time??? What do YOU think?

DrumMajorof09

Hmm, well, here's my story:  I'm 19 years old and he is 27. I met my best friend, Keli, when I was a freshman in High School, and I met her brother, Kris. He lived in Texas and his sister and family, and of course myself, lived in Oklahoma. Kris was (about to be) a married man and I never thought anything of him, ever. He was just my best friends brother. Well, I practically lived with his sister and her family in the summertime and I became very close with his family, but he was never really around, he worked in the oil field, and had a girlfriend (I started HS in '06 and he was married in '08) I guess the weirdest part about this whole story is I met his what is now ex-wife. SO ... let's fast forward the story as there is nothing interesting anymore. haha. So he was married in May of 2008, and well, they had problems and she ended up moving out and back to her home town in April of 2009. They were going through a divorce and one day Keli was at my house on our summer break between Junior and Senior year, and he called her, just to talk, he didn't have anyone to talk to, and I even talked to him a little. We were friends on Myspace, because that was the FaceBook about 2 years ago right?
ANYWAYS, we started talking on myspace and emailing, texting, and eventually, calling. We talked about EVERYTHING... (and I had been single for about a year because High School guys were dumb) I was just thinking of him as someone to talk to... we became really good friends, and he even did my Senior pictures for me that summer. Anyways since he lived in Texas and worked over-seas ALOT, we only saw each other 2 times that summer that he came down to see family.. at that point there was NOTHING going on... ANYWAYS (getting distracted, sorry) so we continued talking and I really started having feelings for him, it really SUCKED because he was still going through the divorce and that just feels and looks very  bad! so I kept my mouth shut for awhile... and in September I finally told him, and he felt the same way!!, well, October came and the divorce was over... and we got together (4 months after talking) in November of 2009. I still lived in Oklahoma, and he lost his job in October so he was able to come down a little more... We did the long distance thing until May, when I graduated, and I've lived here in Texas with him ever since.. Now we've been together almost 16 months, and I'm happy as ever! Sure we fought ALOT at first, it was a whole new experience for me. But I can't begin to put into words how I feel about him. I can just be me and that is the most important thing in my opinion. I have mentioned marriage and he is very open about it, and he's just the sweetest thing, oh goodness he makes me so happy. anyways, not that my story had much to do with the real question here but I have noticed on this site that people like to hear stories! Anyways, is it still a bad time to be married? Even if I've only actually lived with him for 10 months?? What do you think?
Other than the obvious things after moving in together stuff, we haven't had any MAJOR problems, he's open about everything and we have made an agreement to never go to bed angry, to always talk our problems (with each other) out. What do you guys think? Any advice is appreciated.

DrumMajorof09

Maybe i should have asked if it was a bad time to get engaged, (of course if he wants to) my bad!

jeanacorina

That was kinda long, so I apologize if I missed anything- are you in college? Plans for the future? Goals (other than marriage)? Do you have a job? Do you pay bills?

You're going to hear the "You're too young" and probably "He's too old" thing... but I'm not really getting at that.

I am more concerned that you spend some time being an independent person and pursuing your OWN personal goals before you get engaged and married. It's incredibly important. I was 21 when I first met my now-husband. He insisted that any girl he would be with was going to be independent and self-sufficient. He encouraged me to figure myself out before we got too serious- and even after we moved in together, he encouraged me to follow my dreams of going back to college and volunteering and everything else that means a lot to me.

Relationships work best when both people function well as an individual and can contribute to the relationship instead of relying too much on each other. There's a fine line between "needing" someone to be complete and "wanting" that person because life just isn't quite all it could be without them. The wanting thing is better, in my opinion.

Slow down. Enjoy your relationship. Give it some time, and give yourself some time to experience a little more of adult life before you tie the knot. Waiting can only strengthen your relationship.

loves2shop4shoes

1)  Paragraphs are your friend.

2)  You're very young.  You haven't been dating that long.  He just got divorced.  What's the rush?  If he's "the one", he'll still be "the one" after you've gotten some education and begun a career.  Why don't you go to college and reevaluate marriage when you have a Bachelor's degree?

Also, the age difference between the two of you is worrisome.  I'm not going to lie...when I was 19, I hooked up with a 26 year old.  I don't regret it.  It was some of the best oral sex I've ever had.  However, when someone that age is hooking up with a teenager, you have to question their maturity and stability.  

heyimbren

You two haven't been together very long (and that's okay) and you're still young so I would suggest that you give it some more time. But if you really want to know where your relationship is at, then you should talk to him, as opposed to a message board.

Ember01

What is the rush? You're living together. Enjoy the relationship for now. If you are meant to be together forever, get married in a couple of years.

I agree with PP about needing to be independent. I always worry when my friends go from their parents house, to college, and then get married and move in with their husband. I am a strong believer that a woman should live completely alone for at least one year. That is when you learn so much about yourself.

Being able to support yourself is the best feeling in the world. Not that we all expect to be divorced someday, but one promise that I made to myself was that I would get the education and experience to be able to support myself if the time ever came. Either because of divorce or because something happened to my husband, and I had to be the breadwinner.

What are your college/job/life plans? Make sure you stay true to what those are.

Ember01

Ooh, and with your username, were you a drum major or a majorette?

Edited: Because it's late and I can't spell

bethsmiles

You're young and you got together before he was even divorced and you haven't been together that long - I'd give it some more time. Are you going to school? Do you have a job? What have you done for yourself since graduating high school? Jeana basically said everything that I was thinking and you should listen to her she gives the best advice.

DrumMajorof09

Wow, lots of responses. So I'll try to remember them all!

Yes, I am in school right now I'm in a community college for my basics then I will be moving on to a university, not sure what for yet.

Job? Not right now, but I held a job while in Oklahoma and got another one after moving here. I wanted to make sure I was doing the best I can in school.

To someone who asked about the Drum Major thing. Haha. Yes, I was the Drum Major of my high school band my Junior and Senior year, not majorette (although that would be AWESOME!)

Sorry I didn't organize my what could have been paragraphs. It's late and I'm tired and lazy today :P

But anyways, I think I agree with all of you, It won't hurt to wait. It's not that I'm bugging him or anything atall... Just been thinking about it. Thanks!

luvdncn90

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_time-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d720998-918f-4827-b615-dcf09cbd442dPost:61d2bfd6-ef43-417f-931b-7657d6166405">Re: Is it time??? What do YOU think?</a>:
[QUOTE]1)  Paragraphs are your friend. 2)  You're very young.  You haven't been dating that long.  He just got divorced.  What's the rush?  If he's "the one", he'll still be "the one" after you've gotten some education and begun a career.  Why don't you go to college and reevaluate marriage when you have a Bachelor's degree? Also, the age difference between the two of you is worrisome.  I'm not going to lie...when I was 19, I hooked up with a 26 year old.  I don't regret it.  It was some of the best oral sex I've ever had.  However, when someone that age is hooking up with a teenager, you have to question their maturity and stability.  
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Whoa Shoes, that caught me offguard!!! hahaha I had to do a double take, like whoa what?

AJesteram

I agree with previous posters. Enjoy your relationship and take your time with it. There is no rush to be engaged and get married so soon- especially at such a young age.

Also, this is an ALOT...
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y20/LinneaRetina/2010/ALOT.png

[Deleted User]

I was 19 when I met BF and I was 19 when we decided we wanted to be together. It's ok to be that young and so sure about the guy you want to be with forever.

Is this your first serious relationship? If it is, then you should take it slow. 

jeanacorina

Dude, Shoes. That's a bit out of the blue.

noelle24

Fine, I'll go there, since no one else seems to want to.

I seriously question the motivations, maturity, and stability of any (supposedly) grown man who hooks up with an 18 year old. 

That is all, as I have to run off to work now.  Boo.

loves2shop4shoes

  Well, it's true.  I can't sit here and judge for something I've done myself.  BUT, I can say that long term commitment with a 27 year old who hooks up with an 18 year old is dubious at best.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_time-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d720998-918f-4827-b615-dcf09cbd442dPost:1845bd00-9ee8-494f-9bda-9360bd2b2eb9">Is it time??? What do YOU think?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm, well, here's my story:  I'm 19 years old and he is 27. I met my best friend, Keli, when I was a freshman in High School, and I met her brother, Kris. He lived in Texas and his sister and family, and of course myself, lived in Oklahoma. Kris was (about to be) a married man and I never thought anything of him, ever. He was just my best friends brother. Well, I practically lived with his sister and her family in the summertime and I became very close with his family, but he was never really around, he worked in the oil field, and had a girlfriend (I started HS in '06 and he was married in '08) I guess the weirdest part about this whole story is I met his what is now ex-wife. SO ... let's fast forward the story as there is nothing interesting anymore. haha. So he was married in May of 2008, and well, they had problems and she ended up moving out and back to her home town in April of 2009. They were going through a divorce and one day Keli was at my house on our summer break between Junior and Senior year, and he called her, just to talk, he didn't have anyone to talk to, and I even talked to him a little. We were friends on Myspace, because that was the FaceBook about 2 years ago right? :D ANYWAYS, we started talking on myspace and emailing, texting, and eventually, calling. We talked about EVERYTHING... (and I had been single for about a year because High School guys were dumb) I was just thinking of him as someone to talk to... we became really good friends, and he even did my Senior pictures for me that summer. Anyways since he lived in Texas and worked over-seas ALOT, we only saw each other 2 times that summer that he came down to see family.. at that point there was NOTHING going on... ANYWAYS (getting distracted, sorry) so we continued talking and I really started having feelings for him, it really SUCKED because he was still going through the divorce and that just feels and looks very  bad! so I kept my mouth shut for awhile... and in September I finally told him, and he felt the same way!!, well, October came and the divorce was over... and we got together (4 months after talking) in November of 2009. I still lived in Oklahoma, and he lost his job in October so he was able to come down a little more... We did the long distance thing until May, when I graduated, and I've lived here in Texas with him ever since.. :) Now we've been together almost 16 months, and I'm happy as ever! Sure we fought ALOT at first, it was a whole new experience for me. But I can't begin to put into words how I feel about him. I can just be me and that is the most important thing in my opinion. I have mentioned marriage and he is very open about it, and he's just the sweetest thing, oh goodness he makes me so happy. anyways, not that my story had much to do with the real question here but I have noticed on this site that people like to hear stories! :) Anyways, is it still a bad time to be married? Even if I've only actually lived with him for 10 months?? What do you think? Other than the obvious things after moving in together stuff, we haven't had any MAJOR problems, he's open about everything and we have made an agreement to never go to bed angry, to always talk our problems (with each other) out. What do you guys think? Any advice is appreciated.
Posted by DrumMajorof09[/QUOTE]


I agree that you should take it slow and enjoy your relationship the way it is.  I also agree with Ember that I think it is VERY important to live completely alone for awhile and support yourself.

Since you're not working right now, does he pay all the bills?  Do your parents still support you?  What would you do if your relationship didn't work out and you had to move?

Blue & White

I'm not really concerned about the age difference.  For now.  While you're dating.

I am a little bit concerned about the financial nature of your partnership.  Who is paying for the bills?  Who is paying for your tuition?  Has he been able to obtain a new job after losing the old one?  Until you are *both* able to support yourselves, I think you should hold off on marriage a little bit.  It's a pretty huge financial and legal commitment.

I also teach at a community college, so I'm wondering which set of "basics" you are a taking?  What would you like to do with your life when you're done with school? 

You're still 19.  Take it slow.  Enjoy what you have, but don't let any man force you to make sacrifices about your future.  At this point in time, your education and potential future career goals are more important than a ring on your finger.

hetshup

I also dated a 24 year old when I was 18. I remember being totally marriage crazy. My point is, you need to do some living first. As soon as I went off to college, the whole marriage craziness went away. Though I have concerns about the age difference, my point is like Jeana's, you need to be out on your own first. You need to have that independence first. If you don't, you might find yourself having a meltdown at 33. 

NurseyK

I agree with the other ladies here. Live a little bit. My young 20s are by far the most memorable and growing years. See if he is willing to wait for you for a few years, if he is, then he is your keeper.  

[Deleted User]

I'm also part of the group that had a 25 year old BF when I was 19. We were together for 4 years before we mutually decided that we were better off going our separate ways... During those 4 years, I was in college but I spent almost every moment that I wasn't in classes with BF and I totally missed out on my entire college experience. It didn't occur to me at the time but now that I'm 29 I realize how much I missed out on back then because I was too busy having a boyfriend and worrying about when we were going to move in together, when we were going to get married, etc...  10 years later... he's married and I'm in a relationship with someone else. 

I'm not saying that your relationship won't result in marriage... but enjoy your youth, enjoy the experiences, DONT worry about marriage...  Get an education, build a career so that you can financially support yourself regardless of your BF... Then, discuss marriage...

jeanacorina

No no, I wasn't saying Shoes was out of the blue about the RELATIONSHIP- that's totally pertinent. I was just like "woah" about the oral sex bit.

When I was 19, I got engaged to a 28 year old guy. Obviously, I did not marry that guy... for lots of reasons. I don't want to judge, because sometimes those age differences work for the couple. But, I do have to say it's nice that my husband and I grew up watching the same cartoons, listening to the same music in high school... we relate on a level I never could with the older guy. I never thought that was important to me, but it's nice now that I have it.

I can't say whether he's too old or you're too young or if it will or won't work out. All I can say is what I said before: you have nothing to lose by waiting. You should take some time to grow as an adult. Travel, pursue your education, make mistakes and pick yourself back up, live on your own and pay your own bills. Run out of gas once or twice and have $2 to your name and have to figure out how to get to work.

I mean, sure, it doesn't sound as glamorous as having a financially stable (I assume) older boyfriend take care of everything... but it's valuable experience. It shows you who YOU really are. And you've just plain GOT to know yourself before you can really offer much to another person. 19 is young. Very young. You have so much life ahead of you. Just take it easy and enjoy it. Older boyfriend? Fine. Whatever. Maybe he's immature, maybe he has shady motives, maybe he's still hurting from his divorce and you are "safe." Maybe all of that is untrue and you guys are really a great fit and meant to be. But that doesn't mean you should get married anytime soon.

So, no, it is not time. But I sincerely wish you the best of luck, happiness, and lots of interesting and fun experiences in your young adulthood.

DrumMajorof09

Okay, about the BASICS part in school, all I meant was Comp 1, well, now Comp 2, physical science, health, those things.

Yes, he does have a job, back in the Oilfield business, and I have already said that once I'm out of community college I'm going to a university.

My parents DO approve and we all have a great relationship, they were scared for me at first, of course, but they've accepted it and they get along with him.

Now I really don't want to have to explain myself anymore, it was just a question....

bourgehm

If you have to ask some strangers, it's probably not time.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_time-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d720998-918f-4827-b615-dcf09cbd442dPost:61d2bfd6-ef43-417f-931b-7657d6166405">Re: Is it time??? What do YOU think?</a>:
[QUOTE]1)  Paragraphs are your friend. 2)  You're very young.  You haven't been dating that long.  He just got divorced.  What's the rush?  If he's "the one", he'll still be "the one" after you've gotten some education and begun a career.  Why don't you go to college and reevaluate marriage when you have a Bachelor's degree? Also, the age difference between the two of you is worrisome.  I'm not going to lie...when I was 19, I hooked up with a 26 year old.  I don't regret it. <strong> It was some of the best oral sex I've ever had.</strong>  However, when someone that age is hooking up with a teenager, you have to question their maturity and stability.  
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

<div>Bwahahahahaha!</div><div>
</div><div>Oh, Shoes. I <3 you.</div><div>
</div><div>Apparently you have to question the maturity but you know, the bedroom skills might make it worth giving it a try for a while. LOL</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

loves2shop4shoes

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_time-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d720998-918f-4827-b615-dcf09cbd442dPost:f0857846-d7d1-48f4-b3b0-a27af348251c">Re: Is it time??? What do YOU think?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it time??? What do YOU think? : Bwahahahahaha! Oh, Shoes. I <3 you. Apparently you have to question the maturity but you know, the bedroom skills might make it worth giving it a try for a while. LOL
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" /></div>

DrumMajorof09

LOL hey, I'm just ASKING, trust me, It's not what is going to make my decision. If I want to marry him right now nothing on the internet or people I don't know would not stop me. I want opinions... it won't be a deal breaker. But I guess posting this on here was a mistake.

Thanks to you guys anyways!

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_time-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d720998-918f-4827-b615-dcf09cbd442dPost:7d077fd7-71a5-472c-b8a0-836899c2c87c">Re: Is it time??? What do YOU think?</a>:
[QUOTE]LOL hey, I'm just ASKING, trust me, It's not what is going to make my decision. If I want to marry him right now nothing on the internet or people I don't know would not stop me. I want opinions... it won't be a deal breaker. <strong>But I guess posting this on here was a mistake.</strong> Thanks to you guys anyways!
Posted by DrumMajorof09[/QUOTE]

How was it a mistake? You asked for opinions, you got opinions.

jeanacorina

Mistake? How so? Everyone was really nice. Maybe we showed genuine concern... but I think asking you questions is a GOOD sign- it means we're not judging you without trying to figure out all the facts.

Would you rather we say "He's too old, you're too young, it will never work"?

By asking for clarification, we're trying to give you more useful advice that actually fits your situation. Also, your opening post was really long, so of course it's possible some folks skimmed over it and didn't get all the facts. Reading comprehension fail? Maybe. But not the worst thing ever.

I hope you stick around. This is a great place for advice on all stages of a relationship, and to chat about life in general. Of course I wouldn't expect internet strangers to change your mind completely- but it's good to be open to opinions and advice from people from different backgrounds and experiences. Especially when you ask them for their opinions and advice.

marleylikeair

OP, FWIW, I'm the first to call it out when people do post something rude or over the line, and I really think at least 95% of the responses you got were terrific. I think everyone was truly trying to help, further understand the situation, and be honest with you. PPs have already done a great job--I don't have much to add, except: please stick around! It's fun here.

loves2shop4shoes

How can it be a mistake when the words "oral sex" are present?  Just sayin..

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_time-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4d720998-918f-4827-b615-dcf09cbd442dPost:3cd9a504-386d-45b7-b05a-ab0446ee0744">Re: Is it time??? What do YOU think?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, about the BASICS part in school, all I meant was Comp 1, well, now Comp 2, physical science, health, those things. Yes, he does have a job, back in the Oilfield business, and I have already said that once I'm out of community college I'm going to a university. My parents DO approve and we all have a great relationship, they were scared for me at first, of course, but they've accepted it and they get along with him. Now I really don't want to have to explain myself anymore, it was just a question....
Posted by DrumMajorof09[/QUOTE]

Like Jeana said <strong>"By asking for clarification, we're trying to give you more useful advice that actually fits your situation."

</strong>We're not grilling you, we're just trying to better understand your situation to give the best advice possible.  When we ask if you have an income or support (financially is what <u>I</u> meant) from your parents, it's for a reason.