Advice?

peekaboo2011

Alright, I've seen how this goes, and I promise I'm not going to go all crazy.  Promise.  And if I do, I expect someone to slap the sense back in to me.

My BF and I have been together for 3 years now.  He has a sister, and I love her to DEATH.  But, she has some issues that she's trying to get help with, but her parents are having a hard time with her.  She's in culinary school, and is bipolar.  While she's on her meds, she still seems to not be very well adjusted.  I know she has some self-confidence issues, and I want to help.  Whenever I get to see her, I try to include her in everything, and have taken her shopping for shoes/clothes/etc.  The problem is, I'm in Roanoke, VA...she's in Pittsburgh.  She's been there for a while, but still doesn't really have friends.  Her parents and my BF suggested she join a church/gym, but she's been really against the ideas.  The last thing I want is for her to be unhappy.  Which she is.  It doesn't help that the only men she seems to be able to find are not exactly the best - ie, the last boyfriend she had she now has a restraining order against and she actually found him on the street.  Before him, every one of them has been to jail.

My question is, how do I, from 9 hours away and on a college-senior-trying-to-go-to-grad-school budget, help her help herself?

Thanks in advance for your help!

JBC123

Let her know you're there for her, you're rooting for her and offer to be there if she wants to talk.  Being that far away, you really can't be there in person at the drop of a hat. 

heyimbren

I think snail mail letters are always really thoughtful.

I think the main thing to do is be a constant figure in her life in little ways. How old is she out of curiousity?

Blue & White

I'm pretty sure Roanoke is somewhat near me (I'm in the Hampton Roads area...but know almost no VA geography cause I'm a new transplant.)

In other news, I think the best thing you can do is let her know you're there for her.  This will also depend a bit on how close you are to her NOW.  For instance, if my BF's brother was having problems with his medication, I would not really be comfortable trying to discuss them with him without roping BF into it. 

I probably wouldn't bring up the meds unless she does though.  My sister did pretty great seeing a nutritionist/counselor when she was having trouble with bulimia, though, so if she does bring it up, perhaps you can suggest that (if she's not already seeing more than a primary care provider?)

College-senior-trying-to-go-to-grad-school budget is awesome though   Good luck!  You should be hearing back from schools soon, I'd hope!

peekaboo2011

She's 25.  I'm trying really hard to be consistent.  And BF is really worried about me having too much on my plate - I'm taking 4 classes (including organic chem) and doing two independent research projects which I'm hoping to get published.  But he calls me at least once a week saying that there's a new crisis with her.  In the past, I've been able to diffuse crisis situations with her rather quickly and easily.  I want her to come to Florida with us when we move...have her apply to Disney to do her externship.  But her mom suggested this, and she flipped.  Her thought process was that her mom wanted her to go to DIsney just because BF and I are planning on moving to Florida, so that it would be easier for her mom to visit all of us at the same time.

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:506f4970-37c7-471f-a961-a9153e42e850Post:e9c6eb58-a269-4cab-8821-112161e27de9">Re: Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm pretty sure Roanoke is somewhat near me (I'm in the Hampton Roads area...but know almost no VA geography cause I'm a new transplant.) In other news, I think the best thing you can do is let her know you're there for her.  This will also depend a bit on how close you are to her NOW.  For instance, if my BF's brother was having problems with his medication, I would not really be comfortable trying to discuss them with him without roping BF into it.  I probably wouldn't bring up the meds unless she does though.  My sister did pretty great seeing a nutritionist/counselor when she was having trouble with bulimia, though, so if she does bring it up, perhaps you can suggest that (if she's not already seeing more than a primary care provider?) College-senior-trying-to-go-to-grad-school budget is awesome though :)  Good luck!  You should be hearing back from schools soon, I'd hope!
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Hampton Roads is a ways from here.  You're over closer to Newport News.  I'm somewhere close to WV/TN/NC.  Talk about the south...</div><div>
</div><div>I don't want to talk to her about her meds.  That was just the most recent crisis I was made aware of.  She got switched over to Lithium, I think...and she's just started trusting her psychiatrist, which is good news.  She's been seeing him for about a year.</div><div>
</div><div>And thanks!  I have an interview with University of West Florida (via phone) on Friday, and I should be hearing back from Florida State next month!!!  I'm so excited!

</div>

hetshup

You can't really help someone that doesn't want help. But I second the idea of snail mail letters.

And best of luck with the interviews!

heyimbren

People with BPD (bipolar) can be difficult to deal with in that sense. For now I would suggest just those little things.

Actually I'm pretty useless with this. But I think your BF is on to something- you cannot and should not make it your responsibility to help her out all the time.

bourgehm

Snail mail is good. Try to make a point to call her once and a while to just talk to her.

marleylikeair

To add to the snail mail idea, send her funny random things in the mail. My sister and I do this. Last time, I sent her a roll of zebra-striped duct tape.

Let her know you're there for her, and do be supportive. But don't take it too personally if she isn't super responsive; like hetshup said, you can't help someone who doesn't want to help herself. There's only so much you can do from a distance and for someone who isn't committed to her own happiness; in addition, the BPD is something she'll have to deal with and you can't change, no matter how supportive you are.

Maybe also find a book or two on Bipolar Disorder so you can try to better understand what she's going through? That might also give you a thing or two to say that might help her, e.g. look at something that's rough in a different way.

Good luck! I know it's a tough situation.

peekaboo2011

I'll definitely do the snail mail thing.  I told BF of the idea and he would prefer electroshock therapy...but until there's money, neither of us can afford it.

I like the idea of little goofy presents too.  I think some of the problem is that she never got "spoiled" as a kid.  Don't get me wrong, her parents made sure they were comfortable.  But she didn't really get the girly little extras like mani/pedis, etc.  BF and I are setting up a savings account for a weekend with her, and I think it would help her self-confidence to take her to get her hair/nails/the whole shebang done one weekend.  She doesn't seem to know how to relate to the...more "normal" group.  She tends to gravitate to those who are less intelligent and are definitely headed towards either welfare or jail and doing nothing to change it.  I wish we were closer so we could help her find some decent friends.  

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:506f4970-37c7-471f-a961-a9153e42e850Post:9be9ac52-fa46-471b-a456-9dd36b59d147">Re: Advice?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice? : <a href="http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/electroconvulsive-therapy-ect" rel="nofollow">http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/electroconvulsive-therapy-ect</a> I don't know how much research you've done, but ECT is a last resort.  It is not a pleasant therapy.  One of my roommates did it and is traumatized from it.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

<div>I promise it was a joke.  If he ever meant the suggestion seriously, we'd have a serious conversation about our relationship.  The text I got read something along the lines of "Every time she's negative or talks to an unemployed man, give her a shock."  I periodically forget tone of voice doesn't transfer over the internet.</div>

SingLoveDance

I'm bipolar and can tell you from experience that it is not an easy thing to live with. I was diagnosed 12 years ago when I was 19 and it's still something I have to deal with every single day. Being on medication doesn't always equal feeling better. I still have difficult days and periods even though I'm on meds.

I would say try to communicate with her in ways that make her feel normal. You don't need to be near her to support her. I'm not sure anyone can "help" someone with bipolar or any other sort of mental illness. But knowing I have people who support me makes me want to help myself.

I will say one quick thing about ECT. It definitely is a last resort. Doctor's will not usually event suggest or do it unless the person has been on numerous medications and has been struggling for a while. I did ECT and it was horrible. It did not help me...but like I said everyone is different.