o

alisham07

o

loopy82

Just a forewarning - you might catch some grief on this board for having a wedding ticker without being engaged.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:29d6c8b0-b262-45a1-8307-01ebca2537a5">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Just a forewarning - you might catch some grief on this board for having a wedding ticker without being engaged.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

<div>GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! lol</div><div>
</div><div>I was about to ask OP about her ticker since she doesn't have a date...</div>

desertsun

You need to talk to HIM about it. We can speculate all day long, but that will not help you.

Just tell him you're confused and ask him to clarify. Let him know how important it is to you to have a mutally agreed upon timeline for your wedding, whether it's town hall or something else.

It certainly IS NOT asking too much for him to be open with you about his thoughts on this topic.

loopy82

Paige - Didn't you know that I am the new mod because I am psychic?

CT324

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:29d6c8b0-b262-45a1-8307-01ebca2537a5">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Just a forewarning - you might catch some grief on this board for having a wedding ticker without being engaged.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

Lol BSC!!

KatyRoseM

Talk to him, and stop planning.  It sounds to me like he is getting cold feet and you need to work this out.  If money isn't the issue it must be something emotional, you can deal with that so long as you talk it out. 

loopy82

I can understand how seeing his parents unhappy and his dad telling him to never get married can get under his skin. I have seen it happen. It's not that the person is unhappy with the relationship, it can be overwhelming when someone/people keep telling you no, no, no to something you really want to do.

Desert gave you some good advice. You need to talk to him.

dwest2201

You do not need a date to be engaged or start planning a wedding.  However, you do need an understanding and mutual agreement to be engaged.  Until you are both engaged (ring or no ring) and have a date there is no need for a ticker.  Not to be a Debbie Downer, but having a ticker for a date that you want and he has explicitly said he doesn't think the time is right is just setting yourself up for disappointment and setting your relationship up for trouble.

I'm engaged, we do not have a date yet.  We do have lots of things planned (flowers, cake, flowers, wedding party, my dress) and even our STD's and Invites are mocked up already while we are waiting on the date from the church.... the difference is that we have made all of these choices together (except my dress) and that we were actually engaged. 

You really need to sit down and talk to him about this.  Maybe he wants to get married and just has fears about being miserable like his parents.  Maybe it's financial.  Maybe he doesn't want to get married and is just stringing you along... I have no idea and obviously neither do you.  Talk to him!

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:f2bb8a48-94b3-442a-82f2-25c12c537868">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Paige - Didn't you know that I am the new mod because I am psychic?
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

<div>Damnit, now I need to get tin foil for my head....</div>

alisham07

We did agree on the date I have on my ticker at one point of our planning but since our last discussion we no longer are planning on that day. We did had a deposit on a venue and everything. I just haven't had the chance to take the ticker off yet. I left some things out of my vent because it would be 5 pages long. I see what you mean about getting grief loopy. And yes we need to talk. Its just nice to hear other people's opinions too.

Thanks a ton

loopy82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:881bfa33-c689-43ba-a8c0-560d8032c7ab">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just Venting :( : Damnit, now I need to get tin foil for my head....
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

This made me LOL for real.

I'm sorry that your planning/ date isn't working out how you planned. Hopefully after some discussion with him you can figure some things out. Good luck.

alisham07

Yeah hopefully. Thank you

desertsun

I want to add that sometimes people just need to have a little seed planted in their heads, and then some time to think things through. It's not always best to try to settle things in one conversation.

Let your guy know what is important to you, ask him what he thinks, if he has a timeline, what makes him hesitate. Have a calm, adult talk about your future together.

And then maybe let it go for a little while and revisit it a month or more down the line.

Your guy needs to KNOW by your ACTIONS and not just what you say that you love him and want to build a future together and that you wanting to marry him is not about a piece of paper or a big party. It's about making that commitment to each other.

By the same token, you need to carefully observe HIS actions and make sure they're indicating that he's on the same page.

Sometimes couples are together for so long that I think it almost becomes "What's the point? We're practically married already."

But I'm a believer that ceremonies still have power and it's okay to still want that!

Good luck. Please stick around and keep us updated!

ekathleen684

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:881bfa33-c689-43ba-a8c0-560d8032c7ab">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just Venting :( : Damnit, now I need to get tin foil for my head....
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]


<a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/0/14/00ccb431-a52e-4c4f-8e64-d5bb2e131b62.large.bmp" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '00ccb431-a52e-4c4f-8e64-d5bb2e131b62', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));" class="PhotoLink"><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/0/14/00ccb431-a52e-4c4f-8e64-d5bb2e131b62.medium.bmp" alt="" /></a>

You'd be amazed how quickly I found this. It was the first pic to come up in google

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:95ebf6ef-e7a5-4ad7-9019-a369286381b6">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just Venting :( : You'd be amazed how quickly I found this. It was the first pic to come up in google
Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh. My.God.</div><div>
</div><div>*squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*  </div><div>
</div><div>*changes avatar* Now I'm protected </div>

loopy82

Oh you girls are too funny!

heyimbren

I really think the two of you should agree that you are engaged before planning anything, especially putting deposits down and buying anything.

Maybe you two did previously agree that your "date" would be a good time to get married. But from your post, it sounds like you went ahead with planning assuming that his job was going well enough that you'd be moving in that direction soon. Either way, what's done is done.

The other girls are right, you need to talk to him to see his reasons for not wanting to get married right now. Depending on what he tells you, you will then need to decide what you're next move is.

But this is why it's not recommended to plan before agreeing on being engaged together. Talking about marriage =/= engagement. Discussing wedding ideas does not even necessarily equal engagement.

catemeg

desert, is your DH my BF's twin?  I learned a long time ago that the best way to talk about heavy topics with my boyfriend is to discuss it briefly (he mostly listens quietly) and then let it go.  He'll bring it back up once he's mulled it over and have lots of opinions, but if I push the conversation at first, I'll get upset because I won't think he's interested or listening to me.  Live and learn.  Venus and Mars.

So yes, definitely talk to him!  Don't expect one big revealing conversation unless that's his personality.  Tell him how you feel, then let it go.  He'll get the point, and hopefully you'll both be able to discuss the situation thoroughly.

Regarding baggage from his parents' marriage, my boyfriend has the same issue.  His parents had a miserable marriage and a terrible divorce, and his Mom's following two husbands have also been a nightmare situation.  So my boyfriend is afraid that he doesn't know how to have a good marriage, and that he's doomed to repeat his parents' mistakes.  With this issue, I can't really help him.  My Mom has offered him advice as she grew up with multiple divorces yet went on to have a fantastic marriage.  But this is a deep seeded issue that many children of divorce battle, and sometimes it helps to sort these issues with a psychologist.  This type of concern is something he's got to work through that really has nothing to do with you.  Let him know you support him, and will go with him to counseling if he wants.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:54d39939-76bb-4bb4-91de-c2d3602b8fd3">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]We did agree on the date I have on my ticker at one point of our planning but since our last discussion we no longer are planning on that day. We did had a deposit on a venue and everything. I just haven't had the chance to take the ticker off yet. I left some things out of my vent because it would be 5 pages long. I see what you mean about getting grief loopy. And yes we need to talk. Its just nice to hear other people's opinions too. Thanks a ton :)
Posted by alisham07[/QUOTE]

When you said we put a deposit down, did you mean that he visited the venue & said let's put a deposit down? Or did you do it more on your own?

If he said let's put a deposit down on this place, then you really need to figure out what happened. Sounds like he is backing out. You need to find out why. In a very calm and unemotional discussion, he needs to give you an answer about why he has completely change his mind. He has called off the wedding and needs to explain. BUT...

If you did most of the planning & deposit by yourself then you need to drop the wedding stuff. You went too far too fast. Sounds like you had a discussion about marriage & a "date" and you turned his daydreaming about his future into a reality way before he was ready.  

Mariah918

I can understand, I didn't want to get married either for awhile. To be honest I was scared of the commitment and I'm extremely picky. But I eventually went through with it. He probably will too if he has the same case as I did.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:0062a778-0c57-416e-a4f6-fbdeed393dc1">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Just Venting :( : When you said we put a deposit down, did you mean that he visited the venue & said let's put a deposit down? Or did you do it more on your own? If he said let's put a deposit down on this place, then you really need to figure out what happened. Sounds like he is backing out. You need to find out why. In a very calm and unemotional discussion, he needs to give you an answer about why he has completely change his mind. He has called off the wedding and needs to explain. BUT... If you did most of the planning & deposit by yourself then you need to drop the wedding stuff. You went too far too fast. Sounds like you had a discussion about marriage & a "date" and you turned his daydreaming about his future into a reality way before he was ready.  
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

This.  Exactly this.



...it's like my tin foil isn't working....

loopy82

Paige - your tin foil isn't working because its on your dog and not you! You need to create a pic of you like button did of herself in the tiarra and princess dress.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:0590adde-5971-4a84-83ee-402b12f129ec">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Paige - your tin foil isn't working because its on your dog and not you! You need to create a pic of you like button did of herself in the tiarra and princess dress.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

ahahaha, that would require so much work though!!

loopy82

Well its either that or have people reading your mind. Your choice.

desertsun

Paige, I am reading your mind, and you are thinking:

"Dresses, pizza, pugs and Dan...who could ask for a better night?!"

Better look into that tinfoil hat, lady.

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:51e7264a-1c92-4b07-a69c-21525a5ddfecPost:b51a7a1a-530e-4013-a76e-f86e004c1068">Re: Just Venting :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Paige, I am reading your mind, and you are thinking: "Dresses, pizza, pugs and Dan...who could ask for a better night?!" Better look into that tinfoil hat, lady. ;)
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div>lmfao!!  I'm getting a tin foil hat tonight, for sure!!! </div>