Advice needed please!

futuremrstje

I really don't know what to do about my bf's friends, one in particular, and I'm getting more and more annoyed all the time. 

I've never been a huge fan of my bf's one friend. They were roomies when we first started dating, and he didn't have a job or anything so he didn't pay rent and all that. My bf and I started spending a lot of time together, both at my place and at his place and whenever I would spend the night or come over more than one night during the week the roomie would complain about it to my bf. So I was constantly trying to come up with date ideas that would get us out of the bf's house and what not. My apartment wasn't really set up for entertaining, I never bothered to get a couch or anything, didn't have cable etc etc. There really wasn't much to do at my place other than watch a movie.

He's also really loud and abrasive and offensive. Take for example last night. We went over to my bf's co-worker's place to play wii and the ex roomie was there. 2 of my bf's friends went upstairs to do who knows what, and the ex roomie kept making comments about how they must be giving each other bj's and what not. Then he was making comments about various characters in the game getting raped and things like that. It was making me really uncomfortable. 

And as if the comments weren't bad enough. Anytime something good happened to his character he would do this super loud, high pitched "Oh Yeah!" thing, when ever something bad happened it was the same super loud, high pitched "WTF?" and any time something bad happened to someone else in the game he'd do this really loud high pitched laugh. Like it was so loud that it hurt my ears. 

The rest of his friends went along with it, and made similar comments and were also loud but none were as bad as the ex roomie. He's usually like that but for some reason last night it was bothering me a lot more than usual. I ended up leaving a lot earlier than I planned because I was getting such a bad headache and was super uncomfortable with the stuff that was said. My bf and I ened up having a fight when I left because I was the DD but I had had enough and wasn't staying any longer. (It was about 12:45 pm when I left, and I have to work today, so I needed to get home and get ready for bed and all that soon anyways, I had warned my bf that we'd be leaving at 2 at the latest)

I've talked to the bf a few times before about how what his friends say bothers me, and asked him to say something, but he hasn't. I would say something but I'm not sure how to approach it, especially since I'm not really fully a part of the group yet, and I don't want to step on any toes. I'm really not sure what to do but it's getting to the point that I don't want to spend any time with his friends, especially if the one friend is going to be there. And I know that would really bother my bf... Any advice?

PaigeMcC

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-needed-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:52cca878-0494-403c-ba23-dd06f2e7e43dPost:c4418c21-4c08-4899-8168-07043ac8729f">Advice needed please!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't know what to do about my bf's friends, one in particular, and I'm getting more and more annoyed all the time.  I've never been a huge fan of my bf's one friend. They were roomies when we first started dating, and he didn't have a job or anything so he didn't pay rent and all that. My bf and I started spending a lot of time together, both at my place and at his place and whenever I would spend the night or come over more than one night during the week the roomie would complain about it to my bf. So I was constantly trying to come up with date ideas that would get us out of the bf's house and what not. My apartment wasn't really set up for entertaining, I never bothered to get a couch or anything, didn't have cable etc etc. There really wasn't much to do at my place other than watch a movie. He's also really loud and abrasive and offensive. Take for example last night. We went over to my bf's co-worker's place to play wii and the ex roomie was there. 2 of my bf's friends went upstairs to do who knows what, and the ex roomie kept making comments about how they must be giving each other bj's and what not. Then he was making comments about various characters in the game getting raped and things like that. It was making me really uncomfortable.  And as if the comments weren't bad enough. Anytime something good happened to his character he would do this super loud, high pitched "Oh Yeah!" thing, when ever something bad happened it was the same super loud, high pitched "WTF?" and any time something bad happened to someone else in the game he'd do this really loud high pitched laugh. Like it was so loud that it hurt my ears.  The rest of his friends went along with it, and made similar comments and were also loud but none were as bad as the ex roomie. He's usually like that but for some reason last night it was bothering me a lot more than usual. I ended up leaving a lot earlier than I planned because I was getting such a bad headache and was super uncomfortable with the stuff that was said. My bf and I ened up having a fight when I left because I was the DD but I had had enough and wasn't staying any longer. (It was about 12:45 pm when I left, and I have to work today, so I needed to get home and get ready for bed and all that soon anyways, I had warned my bf that we'd be leaving at 2 at the latest) <strong>I've talked to the bf a few times before about how what his friends say bothers me, and asked him to say something, but he hasn't. I would say something but I'm not sure how to approach it, especially since I'm not really fully a part of the group yet, and I don't want to step on any toes.</strong> I'm really not sure what to do but it's getting to the point that I don't want to spend any time with his friends, especially if the one friend is going to be there. And I know that would really bother my bf... Any advice?
Posted by futuremrstje[/QUOTE]

<div>This really bothers me.  If his friends are making you uncomfortable and he refuses to talk to them about it then that raises red flags to me.  He should be concerned about your feelings and should be willing to man up and chat with his buddies about it.    If he does not want to talk to them/him then I think you need to have a really good talk about why these people (or this guy) is really bothering you, how it makes you feel, etc.  BF should respect your feelings enough that he will discuss your concerns with his friends.  If he doesn't then there isn't much you can do...aside from less time with his friends or finding a new BF.  Good luck.</div>

desertsun

I don't think it's your BF's responsibility to tell people when you feel uncomfortable.

You need to take responsibility for yourself.

"Guys, that kind of talk really makes me uncomfortable. Would you mind limiting the BJ/rape talk when I'm around please?"

IF the friends give you a hard time, THAT is when it is appropriate for your BF to step in and say "Guys, please."

And if the friends don't respect that, YOU BOTH LEAVE.

BF can hang out with those friends without you there. Honestly, if they were all talking that way, I have to wonder if your BF doesn't join in when you're not there.

Maybe the best solution is to not hang out with BF and his friends. Let them have guy time.

You and BF can hang out one on one. 

If your BF is not HAPPY to do any of this, that is a HUGE red flag.

SopChick

I agree with desert, he probably doesn't see much of a problem with it, because he probably does it too when you're not there. You're a grown up, so if you don't like something, you either need to speak up or let him have his guy time.

As someone who has had mainly guy friends throughout my life, when guys get together for beer and video games, they are disgusting. It's how they are, and I'm sorry to say that if you don't like it or can't handle it, don't be there... I'm not saying your BF is a bad person, or that you shouldn't hang out with him, but I'm a firm believer that guys need guy time. I know nothing about you, or how girly you are, but would BF tag along when you go see a chick flick, go out for drinks, go shopping, etc with your girl friends? It is highly unlikely that you will be able to change BF's friends, or how they act when they just want to be guys.

That being said, if the ex-roomie is directing the rude or derogatory comments at you, BF needs to step up.

futuremrstje

I guess part of the problem too is that both my bf and I are very non-confrontational people, neither of us like to "rock the boat", so for either of us to say something is really tough. And I especially don't want to say anything because I've already caused enough problems between my bf and his friends. One of his best friends is very allergic to cats (as in can't be in the same house as them without having a hard time breathing and breaking out in hives). His friends used to often hang out at his place because he has all the toys and a bar and everything (a total bachelor pad). When I moved in with my 2 cats that meant his friend couldn't come over anymore (and trust me, the issue of my cats moving in caused a lot of problems as is). Now my bf feels he can't have any friends over unless his one friend has already said he can't do anything for whatever reason.

And this was actually a mixed group, mostly couples, so it wasn't just an issue of me invading guys night out, that's how his friends are ALL THE TIME. The last time I talked to my bf he did say that sometimes it makes him uncomfortable, but he doesn't want to risk losing his friends that he's had since elementary school....

SopChick

Ok, well that does change things a bit. I guess if you really want to avoid the confrontation, your best bet would be to avoid the situation. I'm sure it will be hard when all the couples are getting together though. Are you close with the other GFs? Sometimes when BF and his buddies get together at our place (we're the ones with the space and the toys) and I either can't take the boys, or I can sense that the girls are getting uncomfortable, I'll suggest we go do something else in another room, or go out for coffee or something.  Is that something that might be an option?

It's hard when they've been friends for a while, I hope you guys can find a solution that works for everyone. GL!

SeaTea02

Why are you hanging out with him and a bunch of his guy friends? Let him have a man night. 

I get you are offended, but just because they are his friends doesn't mean they have to be yours.  

bethsmiles

BF's friends and I have had a LOT of problems and I know the girls on here have heard more than enough about them but at this point I've realized that I don't need to be friends with his friends. Let him have his time with his friends and use it to have time to yourself or with your friends. I rarely see BF's friends now but when I can't avoid it, its not as bad as it used to be.

bourgehm

Some of Jeff's friends are my bffs, but I know that he needs his guy time. His friends don't NEED to be my friends. In my case though, we do hang out together pretty often and I call them my friends as well. But, hanging out with them is something I try to keep to a minimum since he needs his man time too. But we're LDR, so when we're together we're usually stuck together anyways. Over long breaks (summer and christmas breaks), he gets lots of man-time,  just like I need lots of girl-time.

desertsun

Well, that's the problem with being nonconfrontational. If you choose not to say something, then you have to deal with the consequences. 

You don't have to LIKE his friends, but you do need to come up with some better strategies for coping with them. 

In my experience, groups of guys who've been friends for a long time operate under a system of making fun of each other. Nobody gets all butthurt when a joke is made at their expense. They have a good comeback or they laugh it off and move on. It's all in good fun.

Their humor may not be to your taste, but you're not going to change them. Try to just shoot some sarcastic comment at them. Like the guy with the comment about the guys upstairs -- "You seem awfully concerned. You jealous? Is that your secret fantasy?" and laugh. Chances are that'll shut him up. Or just say, "You're such a homophobe. Geez."

You don't have to have a huge confrontation to find ways to let people know you don't agree with them or don't find them funny.

You also don't have to get into a fight if someone takes issue with what you've said. You can just say, "I'm here to have fun, not get into an argument about this. Let it go." Then turn around and start a conversation with someone else. 

You can also just go into the other room to get another drink, or go to the bathroom to give yourself a little break.

There are all kinds of things you can do to deal with this kind of situation better than just sitting there all ticked off not enjoying yourself at all. 

Try to find one person you can talk to about something else.

Get the girls in another room.

At worst, stop hanging out with these people. Just b/c your BF likes them doesn't mean you have to spend time with them. 

Although it IS a big concern if you guys can't find friends you both enjoy hanging out with. To me, that would indicate your relationship isn't based on truly knowing and liking the other person. When you like someone for who they are, you should be able to like at least some of the same people. You might have a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.

SassyBrass

Pretty much everything Desert just said.
There is the fun of matching wits without being a jerk. Besides, if you sit silent with your arms crossed, you're not having fun, your BF knows it, but what can he do? His friends are who they are and it's not up to him to fix them. Besides, if they are really that bad and he tries to talk to them, all they're going to do is make it worse on you and on him.
I'd say do what the others said to do. Get the other gals (if they are present) and do something seperate from the guys, or let him have guy time alone. My best guess is if any of these guys do have girlfriends, they probably don't act this way when their girl is around. If you have to be in the company of these people, do your best to be aquainted enough to be able to take them down a peg in a funny way. As long as you aren't being outwardly rude or anything, it will make you feel better, while making your BF a little less uncomfortable in the situation. If that isn't something you are the least bit interested in doing, let him have his time with those guys without you around.