living with your SO

jaycee7389

Bored and just curious as to what everyone's opinions are on living with a SO before marriage. I have lived with my BFfor over a year, and I can honestly say it is a whole new world compared to a relationship where you don't live together. Obviously for many people this is against their moral or religious beliefs, but I feel that living together first truly gives you the best indication as to if a marriage could succeed. For us we have grown tremendously as a couple and work on many issues you typically don't get to experience until marriage. I also know many couples who are great together until they move in together and are too different. What does everyone else think?

heyimbren

I don't think you have to live together before marriage to have a healthy, strong marriage.

And I honestly don't think that living together is one of those things that either does work or doesn't work, and there isn't anything you can do about it. It definitely brings you closer together, and you get to know each other even more intimately but I don't see that as a necessary method of preparing yourself for marriage.

motoLyn

I think living together is something that a couple can do or not do.  Like Bren says its not something needed to create a lasting marriage.  My older sister didn't live with her hubby before they married and they're 6 years into their marriage with an adorable daughter.  FI and I live together and we're happy and fine.  There hasn't been one thing about FI that I didn't already know before we moved in together. Sometimes I do understand that when a couple moves in together they come across things about the other that they didn't know before which can be a deal breaker.  I also have had conversations with couples that say that living apart before marriage is best and once married if there are issues, then since you're married you're more willing to work them out than to split up. 

 Its not a requirement and for those who do live together then great, for those who choose not to great as well.  To each their own I say. 

jaycee7389

I absolutely do not feel it is a requirement, however I feel it can be very beneficial for some couples. I thought I knew my BF very well before we lived together..and although he is the same person, there are many things I learned about him which I could never have learned/experienced until living together.

Beads921

BF and I share an apartment in my university town, about 25 mins from his work. It's been over 6 months since he moved in, and I wouldn't change it, that's for sure. For us, it's not really a test to see if we can stand each other - we already knew we could - but rather, it was just the right decision for us to make...it was time for the next step. It really has nothing to do with seeing if we would be OK as a married couple. 

That said, I think we've improved as a couple in a lot of ways since he moved in (it was my apartment alone prior). We're more of a team now, a truly united front, and I like that. We're starting to accumulate joint assets. We transitioned very smoothly from living apart to living together, but I know that's not the case for everyone. The only major change was that I get to do three-times the laundry I used to (he's a tradesman...in the winter, he wears 3 pairs of pants and 5 shirts minimum each day), and I now have a built-in dishwasher (that would be BF, not an actual dishwasher). I already knew all the sides of him - good, bad, and indifferent - before we lived under the same roof.

desertsun

I think it's a personal choice.

For me, I knew I wanted to live with someone before marrying them.

But I don't really care what other people do in this respect.

deburnin

BF and I live together (own a house) and we shared an apartment the last year of undergrad. It made a huge difference in our relationship. I wouldn't change it at all. We got the side eye from some of his family members for doing so and BF's co-worker when he found out we were getting a house apparently had some choice words for him. I am an advocate of living together first, but I know everyone is different too. For us, it has helped us grow so much. I think our ability to work out disagreements is better than those of recently married friends who didn't live together, but that could just be because we've already gone through those things. For me, personally, I couldn't imagine not having gone through those steps before marriage, but it's not for everyone.

My BFF has said on multiple occasions that she wishes she had lived with her DH before getting married. They had a rocky first year of learning to live together. It's not that she wouldn't have still gone through with the marriage, just that she would have felt better "prepared."

Cackle6

Like PP's have said, I don't think it's something you have to do - it really depends on your relationship and personalities and what will work best for you as a couple. My SO and I have been living together for 3 years now, bought a house together a year and a half ago, and I love it. We were practically living together before we moved in anyway, so it just made sense for us. My mom was not exactly happy about it at first, but she got over it after she realized it's what made me happy. I'm a big proponent of do what is best for your situation and what is going to make *you* happy.

What really irks me is "studies" which say that living together before marriage leads to a less strong marriage or dissolution of the relationship. We are not statistics. Every relationship is different, and I wish they would stop trying to fit everyone into nice neat boxes.

Rant over. 

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:24c2f5ca-4da5-4f5f-959f-2169e19d7c53">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]. What really irks me is "studies" which say that living together before marriage leads to a less strong marriage or dissolution of the relationship. We are not statistics. Every relationship is different, and I wish they would stop trying to fit everyone into nice neat boxes. Rant over. 
Posted by Cackle6[/QUOTE]

I completely agree. Same goes for people (with no experience on the subject) try to persuade you to change your mind. When we first moved in together the BF's old college roommate, who he really doesnt talk to much, tried convincing him that living together would ruin our relationship. Well good thing we didn't listen because it is growing stronger everyday :)

tmacwin

As many PP have stated, I believe its a personal choice to each couple.  If it is a committed relationship and you know you will stay together (married or not), there will be issues that you will have to work out regardless.  So whether or not you are married, you will have to sort out differences with your SO.

I move in to FI's house (soon to be OUR house) at the end of April and I'm excited about it.  I know there will be challenges, but I believe, overall, it will make a stronger couple.

peekaboo2011

We lived together briefly after my sophomore year.  And to be perfectly honest, we broke up.  We had a lot to learn about each other, and we did a lot of growing as a couple.  The breakup didn't last but about 8 hours until he called and asked if he could come home.  Looking back, we know where our strengths and weaknesses are when we live together now.  And we don't live together now because we're LD, but we are very ready to go back.

I think the things I hated most about that apartment were the things he loved.  It wasn't in a great part of town, so he got to be all macho and protective when I got freaked out.  And the one night I almost got attacked, he was adorable.  We had been fighting, I took out the trash, came back and some guy cornered me on our front porch but let me go, and when I got back in the house and told FI what had happened, the fight was over.  I think that was when I really knew that he was the one for me.  

jemmini6

I don't think it's something everyone has to do, but it was a personal requirement for me.  I moved in with FI after only 7 months of dating (I practically lived there from the day we met) and we've been living together for almost 2 years now.  I like that nothing will really change when we get married except for my last name and jewelry because we're already adjusted to living together, paying bills together, cleaning together, etc.  However, I don't try to convince people that they have to live together before marriage...if you don't want to, don't...if you want to, do it.

skyler1108

While I do not think you have to live together before marriage I do think it helps. FI and I have lived together for 2 years now and when we first moved in together it was an adjustment. I am glad that we moved in together before the wedding because that means we did not have to do the adjusting as newlyweds. In the end though, to each their own.

bethsmiles

BF and I won't be living together before we get married. I know it will be an adjustment and things won't be perfect when the time does come for us to move in together but I know that both of us are willing to work on any issues that will arise. It really bothers me when people tell us we should live together before marriage or we are doomed to fail because there might be problems and we won't know every little detail about each other unless we do. Every relationship has problems and IMO you shouldn't be getting married if you aren't willing to face the problems that might come up with your SO. And I don't think you will ever know everything about someone else whether you live with them or not.

Basically I think it's a personal decision that shouldn't be judged either way.

Cackle6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:c6aa0ecf-9384-43fa-bcb0-f0bb6ee43560">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]. Basically I think it's a personal decision that shouldn't be judged either way.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

<div>Amen to this!</div>

aah009

I have my own apartment at my school which is two hours away from him. But on the weekends, breaks, and summers I stay with him. I love it! I think it has made our relationship stronger. I actually can't stand to stay by myself in my apartment because it doesn't feel the same. I"m sure it's not for everyone but it fits for us:)

bsidebella

I wouldn't buy a car without driving it first. That pretty much sums up how I feel about it.

bourgehm

I will not be living with FI before marriage. It's a personal decision we've made together. I dont' think you need to live together before marriage in order to be in a happy marriage. But i don't judge someone who has decided to.

caileydawn

I don't think it's a good idea for many reasons.

First of all - it's like cheating out of the point of marriage! The whole idea of getting married is not so you can live together first and test if you can tolerate each others' presences and see if it could work.  When you're married, it gives you all the reason to make it work if you're having problems.  When you're just living together, and not married, it just makes it that much easier to give up, or walk out when they get bored..

Second, where's the excitement?  I'm anticipating the day where I can come home to my husband, and be able to wake up to him every morning. If you're already living with your significant other, it's like you guys just go back to your normal daily lives.. nothing changes other than a ring on your finger, and a life commitment.

Third, what happens if you break up and financially you can't make it on your own and can't find any room mates? I have so many girl friends who have made the mistake of moving in before marriage, and eventually, they started fighting, or they got tired of each other, or one cheated, ect..? And all of the girls i know were in a great relationship, great guy.  Back to my first reason, if you're not married, it makes it that much easier to give up.


There's alot of reasons but i just don't think it's a good idea. I know i wouldn't. Even thought it definitely is tempting.

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:f627d129-bfe4-4f90-98fd-fd2edacdb901">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think it's a good idea for many reasons. First of all - it's like cheating out of the point of marriage! The whole idea of getting married is not so you can live together first and test if you can tolerate each others' presences and see if it could work.
Posted by caileydawn[/QUOTE]

This is the thing people say which I can't bring myself to understand. I don't think the point of marriage is living together..so cohabitation would not "cheat the point of marriage". Yes, I can completely understand being excited to wait until you are married to live together for the first time, but there are many other things that go into that committment than your address. Also, those of us who live with our SOs did not do so to "test and see if we can tolerate each other". I have absolutely no issue with those who choose to wait until their are married to live together, I just don't like when people say it defeats the point if you do.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:f627d129-bfe4-4f90-98fd-fd2edacdb901">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]Third, what happens if you break up and financially you can't make it on your own and can't find any room mates?<strong> I have so many girl friends who have made the mistake of moving in before marriage, and eventually, they started fighting, or they got tired of each other, or one cheated, ect..? And all of the girls i know were in a great relationship, great guy.  Back to my first reason, if you're not married, it makes it that much easier to give up</strong>. There's alot of reasons but i just don't think it's a good idea. I know i wouldn't. Even thought it definitely is tempting.
Posted by caileydawn[/QUOTE]

I don't think being married would necessarily keep those people from cheating, or getting tired of each other.

Also, I do think there are other benefits to being married besides just living together.

caileydawn

BTW, i'm in no way judging anyone who's already living, or is going to live with their significant other. It's just something i personally wouldn't do

caileydawn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:ccd0182a-4eac-4158-8cc3-c0602cfc8098">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: living with your SO : This is the thing people say which I can't bring myself to understand. I don't think the point of marriage is living together..so cohabitation would not "cheat the point of marriage". Yes, I can completely understand being excited to wait until you are married to live together for the first time, but there are many other things that go into that committment than your address. Also, those of us who live with our SOs did not do so to "test and see if we can tolerate each other". I have absolutely no issue with those who choose to wait until their are married to live together, I just don't like when people say it defeats the point if you do.
Posted by pghRN[/QUOTE]



I didn't mean to make it sound like the only reason to marry someone is to live with them. There are so many more things to a marriage than like you said, an address. I completely understand that. I don't have any issues with people who live together before they're married. I've just seen it fail so many times, I just wouldn't personally do it. And i'm in no way saying that it's the "wrong" thing to do or anything. I was just stating the reasons that keep me from doing it.

jaycee7389

fair enough

mrosenb

I feel living with a SO is a personal opinion. Prior to marrying my ex-husband, I felt cohabitation was inappropriate. My opinion changed after marrying him because we did not get along and a lot of irreconcilable issues were revealed. I feel if we had lived together our problems could have surfaced long before I said "I do".

Fast forward 2 years after the divorce was final, I clearly stated my expectations when my boyfriend and I started dating. We have lived together for 6 years and learning about each other is never old, etc.. I feel our relationship as a whole has benefited from cohabitation.



 

ericsbabygirl26

I'm personally torn. Everytime i have had a so move in with me in the past, we've broken up and i really want to move in with my so before we marry. We don't argue, i simply love everything about him. But i live alone for now...until he proposes ( my rings hidden in the safe) then we will re-discuss.

kellylove22

The Bf thinks it's 100% necessary to live with someone before deciding to marry them...a while back he mentioned that he'd never consider proposing to someone he had never lived with/paid bills with because it was a big factor in his parents divorce when he was a kid. They just never figured all that out and there was a lot of financial bitterness after they divorced as well. I totally understand where he is coming from, and after more than a year in the same apartment, I can say that moving in was a really good decision. I don't think it's totally necessary for everyone because I think any two people willing to communicate can work out the logistics of living together before or after marriage, but it does help us get some major issues out of the way by forcing us to confront lots of practical issues now instead of later (how are costs divided up-proportionally according to salary or 50/50, who cleans what and how often, etc etc).

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:24c2f5ca-4da5-4f5f-959f-2169e19d7c53">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]What really irks me is "studies" which say that living together before marriage leads to a less strong marriage or dissolution of the relationship. We are not statistics. Every relationship is different, and I wish they would stop trying to fit everyone into nice neat boxes. Rant over. 
Posted by Cackle6[/QUOTE]

<div>I've heard about those studies, and y'know why I think living together leads to a fair amount of splitting up?</div><div>
</div><div>Because those couples already weren't meant to be, and living together showed them that in time to get out. And/or they moved in together with no real intention of getting married anyway.</div><div>
</div><div>Living together before getting married doesn't weaken the relationship or cause its demise. That's just ridiculous. (It can be tough if you move in together too soon, but I'm talking about people who don't do that.) A relationship that isn't strong enough to begin with, however, is tested by the challenge of moving in together. Also, possibly, by the pressure of living together without a proposal or marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>To answer OP's question, I think living together isn't a make-it-or-break-it proposition. I do think it's a good idea because it weeds out relationships that aren't meant to be. I don't think you know everything about a person, or at least about how you'll function as you cohabit, until you live with them. And I think some couples get married before finding all of it out. And sometimes, they find out they aren't right for each other, which they would have known had they lived together before tying the knot.</div><div>
</div><div>That's my opinion, anyway.</div>

peekaboo2011

Marley, you're brilliant, as usual.

I also tend to believe that those studies use funky statistics.  I find it odd that sample size, etc are never visible when you look them up on the internet.  And no one ever asked me.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_living?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:545f0530-548c-45bd-bccb-dab90c74ab23Post:c20f7eb0-36a5-4e07-9d2b-b8c127f40346">Re: living with your SO</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: living with your SO : I've heard about those studies, and y'know why I think living together leads to a fair amount of splitting up? Because those couples already weren't meant to be, and living together showed them that in time to get out. And/or they moved in together with no real intention of getting married anyway. Living together before getting married doesn't weaken the relationship or cause its demise. That's just ridiculous. (It can be tough if you move in together too soon, but I'm talking about people who don't do that.) A relationship that isn't strong enough to begin with, however, is tested by the challenge of moving in together. Also, possibly, by the pressure of living together without a proposal or marriage.
Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

Most of the studies that I've seen that claim that couples who live together before have a higher rate of divorce seem to think that it's because there is less of a tangible or obvious life style change from before the wedding to after the wedding so that although the public commitment has been made there isn't actually more of a commitment subconsciously - like even though the couple is married they still view the relationship the same way as when they were dating. Which I think is ridiculous, although I could see how that could be true in some individual cases.

KayGB2012

I lived with an ex through part of college and vowed I would never live with someone before marriage again. However, that was a very personal decision that involved a lot of issues with that particular relationship.

Flash forward to today, FI and I will not be living together before we are married. I understand why other people decide to live together before marriage, but it is not for us.

IMO, what on earth could FI possibly do in his living environment that would make me so upset that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore? I expect that there will be little things that will bother me that I don't notice when visiting him, but do I honestly believe that they are total deal breakers that we can't work though? Definitely not.

I understand completely why people believe that it's important to live together before marriage, but having been there and things didn't work out so well, I would rather avoid that situation again.
It's all a matter of personal preference and I respect other people's decisions.