I must be psychic (long)

jemmini6

So when my grandmother passed away almost 10 years ago, she and my mom agreed to set up 3 CD's (one for me and each of my sisters) for our weddings.  Both of my sisters have gotten married so mine is the only one left.

Well, both of my parents have been unemployed for over a year and money has been pretty tight.  Mostly because my dad is an alcoholic and spends his entire unemployment benefits each week on beer and cigarettes.  Regardless, my mom has treated that money as if it were already spent because my grandma's wishes were that it was for our weddings.  In fact, the only reason the CD's were even put in my parents names is because I was only 14 when she passed away.

So lately, as my BF and my talks of marriage have been getting more serious, I've had a few dreams about the money.  The first was that my parents emptied my account in order to fix up an old boat they got for free.  I was so pissed in my dream that we had decided to elope to Hawaii knowing that they couldn't afford to come.  The other dream I had was that they threw us a surpise wedding on their friend's houseboat for a total cost of $500 so they could pocket the rest of the money.

Well....my dreams came true.  My mom called me today absolutely livid because apparently my dad has been spending money out of my wedding account without her knowledge.  I guess the sign of a true alcoholic...spending your youngest daughter's wedding fund to buy beer.  She is going to cash out what's left of it tomorrow so that I can at least have something, she doesn't even know whats left.  Great timing too because BF and I went ring shopping this weekend.  Apparently my dad claims that he is going to sell his truck to put some of the money back in, but I'm not going to count on it.  My mom promised that she would make it right and make sure I got the full amount by the time we get engaged, even if it means draining the last bit of inheritance she has. 

I of course don't want her to do that, it's not her fault my dad is a douche.  I'm sure BF and I will find a way to pay for our wedding one way or another but I told her she can tell my dad that he will not be walking me down the aisle since he obviously doesn't care enough about me or my wedding.  I'm half tempted to actually elope in Hawaii and use whatever is left of my fund to buy my mom a ticket and not my dad.  It's actually my mom's dream vacation anyways so I'd be happy to at least give her that.

I almost can't believe that he would do such a thing, but at the same time, obviously it was a legitimate concern for me to have dreams about it.  Ugh...well I just needed to vent.  I know everything will turn out fine, but it still just really pisses me off.

dwest2201

This is an extremely sad situation.  Your dad is obviously really bad off if he's spending his own childs CD (regardless if it was for a wedding or otherwise... the money was meant for you not booze and cancer sticks).  I'm really sorry that you are going through this. 

The only advice that I would have for you is to do what you can with what you have or will be able to save before you and your BF end up getting married and try not to let what could have or should have been upset you.  I would agree completely that your dad doesn't deserve the privilege of escorting down the Aisle...although I would personally 

Alcoholism is a disease and it can be overcome (it never disappears and is always a struggle as it is with any addiction, but it can be controlled), but it requires multiple things to happen at the same time... #1) HE has to want to change, want to get help, want to stop drinking... period.  #2) He has to seek help... in patient or out, he has to go with the attitude that he's giving it all up and this is going to work.  #3) He has to have a support system, AA, family members, etc.

PandaBurr

Man, that sucks. I'm sorry, I don't really know what else to say in this situation.

deburnin

I'm with Panda. That sucks massively.

Is he or has he tried to get help? Hindsights 20/20, but I'm surprised your mom didn't remove him from the account or at least transfer it to a new CD in her/your name.

KD+BC

Wow. What an awful situation. I'm so sorry, but hopefully he didn't take too much. It sounds like your dad needs some help.

nottheonlydreamer44

I'm with everyone else in saying that is terrible. Your father clearly doesn't value what's important to you or your mother and that doesn't make him terrible; it makes him a man with a serious addiction. People with these types of things will do anything and everything to get what they want/need. I will play armchair psychologist and state that as time has gone on without him working, deep depression has probably set in and no alcoholic actually realizes that alcohol does nothing but keep you in that depressive state. You don't deserve that and I genuinely hope he gets some help.

As for you and your BF - you will find a way to make it work, you're very lucky to have your family paying for even part of your wedding - so just keep that in mind once you do get engaged. I know it sucks now but don't stress too much when there's not a wedding to plan yet. *I don't mean that in a shitty way* Enjoy your time together and focus on putting a little extra aside, if possible, since you know the comfort of that money may not be there. You'll most likely feel better if you do.

*** if it makes you feel any better at all my dad started a college fund for me when I was 5 or 6 and was putting $300 A WEEK in the account. He had a great job, lived for free in my grandparents second house and I was the only child. I remember going to the bank with him and having this talk.  He met my step-mom when I was 10 and ended up draining my entire college fund to fly back and forth to England where she was stationed in the Air Force. All that money was gone and he stopped paying his child support then, too. Never got it back and he paid for NOTHING once I did hit college. I am very resentful and I urge you to try not to be.... it's harmful to you and your life. People will be who they are and if they're selfish, it will always show up.***

I'm really sorry for you and I hope things work out! *HUGS*

calindi

I recommend going to an Al-Anon meeting, if you haven't already.  It's for family of alcoholics, and it can be really helpful.

My grandfather is an alcoholic (once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic) but he hasn't had a drink in 30 years.  He wasn't there for my Mom when she was growing up, but once he got clean he built a relationship with her again.  Today, he's very close with my Mom and my favorite grandparent.

What I mean to say, obviously there are limitations you should put on your relationship now to protect yourself, but keep your mind open to welcoming him if he gets and stays sober.  Definitely go to an Al-Anon meeting - the key is to not punish yourself for someone else's faults.  He should absolutely be held accountable for what he's doing, while at the same time have a bit of an understanding that he's rather powerless to this addiction.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.  I'm glad your Mom is there for you, at least.  Don't rush into anything just to spite him, stop and figure out where you are with everything and then deal with it.  And hold him to whatever word he gives you - if he says he's going to sell the truck, go over and take pictures and put that thing on Cars.com.

heyimbren

Jemmini that's absolutely horrific. I can't stand it when parents don't act like a parent.

Honestly, I'd be tempted to the Hawaii thing too if I were you. Maybe this isn't the best advice you should be given, but my mother stole money from me twice a few years ago. For her addiction, saying that I "didn't deserve it". I stopped all contact with her about a year and a half ago... and it was honestly the best decision I could have made for myself in this situtaion. It's hard, but I imagine it would be harder if I still had contact with her when she's like this. But then again, I don't know the circumstances of your family, and every situation is different. I hope everything works out or you and more.

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.  I'm a member of Al-Anon myself (I'm not a regular attender at meetings anymore, but I do still say the serenity prayer almost daily, sometimes several times a day, and still practice my al-anon ways).  I've seen and heard so many similar stories. 

The only advice I will offer you right now is like Cate/Calindi said - go to an Al-Anon meeting if you haven't already.  Actually, as they say at meetings, go to 6 meetings before you decide if it's right for you.  Go to 6 different meetings if you don't like the 1st one you go to.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to chat about it.