his parents

yakgirl2

Hi

I'm wondering if anyone else has had this problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and plan to get a place together. No marriage plans yet, but it's heading in the right direction. The problem is his parents. They are 8 shades of unhappy about me because I'm 9 years older than my bf (he's 35, I'm 44). Obviously, they want grandbabies (specifically a grandson to carry on the family name--the bf is an only child). Never mind the fact that even if I was younger, there's no guarantee that I would pop out a boy, or even be fertile for that matter.

I know that it's my boyfriend's opinion that matters, not his parents', but I hate that they fight with him about this. His mom is coming to visit next month, and I'm pretty stressed about it. Any advice?

peekaboo2011

Stand your ground.  It's your relationship with your BF, and the two of you need to decide what you want in the way of marriage and kids.  And when you have that conversation with him, both of you need to stand your ground to his parents.  They will eventually realize that ultimately, it's his happiness that matters.  

And if you guys decide you want kids, and you can't have them at that point, you can always ALWAYS adopt.  And then they'll still have a grandchild to carry on the family name.  This is a conversation you have to have with him first before you can make progress with his parents.

Good luck!

yakgirl2

Thanks :-)
Yeah, that's how we feel. As long as we're happy, his parents will just have to accept it.

DanieKA

It sounds like your BF is standing his ground, which is good. at 35, he shouldn't have to fight about his life choices with his parents. He's a big boy now. It's time to cut the strings. 

Frankly his choice of partner and reproductive plans are none of their business anyway. I understand the want for grandchildren. Even the desire for a specific gender, though you can't even control that.  It's not something I personally feel (a specific pull towards one gender of  baby, etc), but I could see how it would be important to people to see their family continue, want their son to become a father, have grandchildren to brag/dote on, but there are so many ways to do that. Or none at all if you choose to live child free. Basically, I guess what I'm saying is that none of these "concerns" are anything his parents have a right to fight about, and I think they are doing a grave disservice to their relationship with their son if they keep it up. It's not like he's doing drugs and you're a crack wh0re, right? Haha. 

At some point, unless they are harming themselves or have some sort of addiction or are  hoarders (I watch a lot of A&E), we have to let our kids (future kids in most of our cases) make their own decisions. Even if they aren't the ones we would make. Even if we think they are making a mistake. It's not our life, it's theirs. I think there's so much helicopter parenting nowadays and people trying to steer their kids into the perfect life, almost as if trying to give themselves a redo...it just irks me to no end.  

SeaTea02

I haven't had this specific problem, but I think disagreements with in-laws are pretty common. Everyone has a different reason for tension. 

It is a great thing that your BF is standing by you. It isn't fair for his parents to tell him he has to have children though. That is one of the most personal and life changing decisions in an individual's life and it is extremely controlling of them to attempt to decide that for him. Becoming a grandparent is not something an individual gets to decide. 

I would have him talk to them and tell them how you both are feeling. Perhaps buy them a puppy....

ADTonk

Another vote for stand your ground. 

Yes, your biological clock is ticking and they're ready for grandbabies, but you need to make sure that he is "the one" before you go ahead with making major life changing decisions (i.e. marriage and babies). 

So many people feel like once they reach a certain age, the person that they are dating must be the one and they must marry them and have children with them, which is bogus.

jaycee7389

it's good to hear your bf is standing by you, and i'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation. i'm not sure if you and bf even want children (or specifically biological children), but his parents may want to take into account that their son is 35, not 25. i don't want to discourage you from having children if that is what you would like, but after the age of 35 children/mothers have a lot more complications. so with that being said..if he were to break if off with you it would take him a few years to find someone else and get to the point of being ready for grandchildren and chances are that woman would also be over the age of 35. just something for his parents to maybe think about..

good luck!