Not Engaged Yet

Re: Nevermind

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    edited December 2011
    I think you're being very sensitive over this. I don't think she's right to shove her ring in your face or anything, but she is genuinely excited and I don't really think she's TRYING to make you jealous. You FEEL jealous. Most people just aren't that vicious.

    You could try saying something to her about waiting patiently for your engagement and finding it difficult to remain calm about it. I don't know... it's tricky because I don't want to tell you to burst her bubble. Wedding planning is a big deal and takes up a lot of time and it just kind of becomes a big thing going on in your life. It's normal for her to talk about it... but she should be more sensitive to your situation. Maybe she has no idea that you're frustrated about your lack of a ring.

    Do your best NOT to compare your relationship to hers. They are different, unique relationships. It honestly doesn't matter that you've been with your BF longer.

    Other than that, you can always send her here and WE can put her in her place without mercy. Tongue out


    Anniversary
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    Wrkn925Wrkn925 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Stop the comparisons.  Convince yourself that their relationship doesn't matter, and don't pay attention to the parallels.

    Be patient.  My BF and discussed getting engaged in August.  We still are not.  It's ok.  It WILL happen, it will be in a timeline that is healthy for us. 

    Why don't you focus on the positives of your relationship right now? 

    Jealousy is not a pretty outfit, and I can tell that you are uncomfortable feeling that way.  I know it's simple for me to say, and hard for you really to do, but do your best to let it go.  If she brings up a topic you are uncomfortable with, find a polite way to excuse yourself from the conversation or change the subject.
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    Beads921Beads921 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:b0dd336f-6c4e-40e2-a0e0-55b2938614af">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help) : I think you're taking her excitement too personally. I'm sure she's not trying to rub her engagement in your face. She's just really excited and probably thinking a LOT about weddings. I also think that would explain her comments like "When YOU get to start planning YOUR wedding..." She is probably just in total wedding mode and knows that you'll be there too eventually so wants to share in that with you.
    Posted by jamierobin[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would tend to agree with this logic. And I also agree with PPs on all of their advice. Jeana and Wrkn are smart people.</div>
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    edited December 2011

    Agree with PP's.  You are being wayyyy to sensitive.  It's a little childish that you keep comparing.  I understand you want to get engaged but just let her be happy.  It's still really new to her.  Also you said it yourself, you guys aren't close so why would she even have to be sensitive to your needs.  If you don't want to hear about the wedding then you ignore her and go elsewhere when she is talking about it.  Get off the feel sorry for myself train and move on. 

    Your day will happen too, and when that day comes are you going to not be happy about it just because you are afraid of hurting peoples feelings?  I would hope not.

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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I find it strange that you burst into tears when you heard someone else is engaged.  I mean, if it was a close friend or sibling and they were with someone who beat them, then I can see being actively upset about the engagement.  Or tears of happiness, even.  But tears of jealousy?  Just not a good look.

    People will get engaged.  People will start planning their weddings.  People will be insensitive towards your jealousy because they themselves are so excited.  People will overshare about the details of their wedding planning simply because it's what they're focused on.  None of this has any bearing on your own relationship, your timeline, and your own happiness.  Stop comparing yourself to anyone else - it doesn't matter that they've dated for less time than you and your BF, it doesn't matter that they 'blindsided' you - you just don't need to get this involved emotionally in someone else's life.

    You really need to talk yourself out of this pity-party.  It does you no good, puts pressure on your boyfriend, and can make you look like a jealous bitter wretch.  If you really want to be engaged, sit down and talk to your boyfriend about when ('soon' is a very subjective term - it's been used to mean hours, days, months, or even years, depending on what it means to the person - ask your BF what he means by 'soon').  And stop letting this bother you - be happy for your friend, and distance yourself emotionally from what this girl says and does!

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    edited December 2011
    I feel for you. When my BF's sister got engaged, I had a hard time dealing with it.  I am one of her bridesmaids, so I think I hear more wedding stuff than I would like. But just remember that you will be there one day and you will want to talk about it to everyone also. And if people feel how you do now when you are engaged, then you would have no one to share your excitement and other feelings with.

    Definitely, don't take it personally. And don't compare. Change the subject when necessary to something that you can both talk about, like a new movie that just came out or whatever.
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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:5a1a3bf3-c42c-4943-bfe6-a72ea2b69453">Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, the first part of this is a rant. My boyfriend and I are really close to his best friend and what used to be his girlfriend. They got engaged on Christmas Eve and of course she set to announcing it on FB two seconds after it happened. Not having any inkling that they were close to getting engaged I burst into tears partly out of pity for my unengaged self and partly because I had just never prepared myself for them to get engaged first. (they hadn't been together as long as my BF and I, and while she was rushing into commitment he had always resisted it) Being that it was my BF's best friend he had seen the ring and knew it was going to happen on X-mas Eve. Obviously seeing that I was upset he tried making me feel better by assuring me that it was going to happen for us soon enough. (two months later, still hasn't. . .but I digress) While I am excited to be engaged I am not obsessing or worried that it won't happen. . . I was just blind sided by them getting engaged. Now, here is where the me needing some advice comes in. . . I did everything I needed/was supposed to do following their engagement. I sent a card and when we saw them for the first time after I oohed and ahhed at her ring and pretended to be excited for her. She and I are NOT super close, we met through the guys and talk when we get together as couples, but we are in no means "girlfriends" or "buddies"  And now as time goes on she has been REALLY unsenstive about nearly everything. She and I had talked before at a mutual friends bridal shower and she knows how excited/anxious I am to be engaged. Yet, she finds every opportunity to rub her engagement in my face. She repeatedly (and often) uses the phrase "When YOU get to start planning YOUR wedding" (as she is using our mutual friend as her own personal wedding planner), whenever we all get together she does NOTHING but babble on and on and on about how much money her parents are spending, where she wants to have the wedding, and most recently while at a super bowl party she thrust her hand in my face and insisted I look at "how sparkly" her ring is. I really am happy for her, and understand how excited she must be. But what I don't understand is why she finds it necessary to flaunt it in front of me ALL THE TIME. Is there anything I can do/say to get her to stop, or at least lay off a little? I cannot avoid seeing her, the guys are super close and we see them at least once a wee.
    Posted by MalloryMorris[/QUOTE]

    Hello!

    Sorry to hear you're feeling so frustrated!

    To be honest, though...I'd have to say that while your female acquaintance is being kind of annoying by talking about nothing but her wedding, as well as continually sticking her ring in your face, you may be taking things a little too personally here, and it may help you to look at things from a different perspective.

    First, remember that she and her FI didn't get engaged in order to make you feel badly or flaunt their relationship. They did it because they want to get married. Don't let yourself think of it like a competition--you'll just feel frustrated. It doesn't matter who gets engaged first. It's not a race; what's right for you isn't necessarily right for someone else, and vice versa.

    In addition, by mentioning to your BF that you wish you were already engaged (or however you may say it), you may be frustrating *him* a little, or making him feel a bit pushed. That's a surefire way to get him to hold off on proposing. Men need to feel they're not being at all pressured in something like this.

    I'm a firm believer that if you're feeling sad or a bit jealous, it's totally okay to allow yourself to feel that way for a day or so; but don't stay stuck in that place. It's not healthy. Beyond that, I believe that being able to be happy for others even when they have something you don't (yet) is a mark of maturity and just plain being a good friend. So please consider that as well.

    To address what you said about her being insensitive, well, I disagree. She sounds annoying, but unless you've had a heart-to-heart with this girl and told her how sad you are that you're not engaged yet, she's not being insensitive by talking about her own engagement. Engagement is a happy and exciting time, and she's allowed to be happy and excited--even if you *have* had a heart-to-heart with her about your feelings. I know you said you told her at a friend's shower that you're excited/anxious to be engaged, but I don't think that's the same thing. Lots of gals feel that way.

    Also...I think you should consider that you might be over-obsessing about getting engaged. If it's upsetting you enough to cry about someone else's engagement, you should probably take a step back and ask yourself a few things. One: while waiting *is* hard, what's a few more months? You'll never get to go back to this time again when you were just dating your fiance/husband, so enjoy it! Enjoy the anticipation, and when you get frustrated, distract yourself. Be the fabulous self you are. Do things you enjoy. Remember that getting engaged doesn't define you; it's just a wonderful moment in your life. And remember that if you want to marry this man, your journey together will be a marathon, not a 500-yard dash; you've already found the right guy, so enjoy him and try to take things as they come.

    Also know that when you complain about not being engaged, it makes you sound a bit immature/spoiled/entitled/whatever, even if you're not. Same goes for complaining about someone else getting engaged. I know it's frustrating, but seriously. Try to see it from their perspective, too.

    Hope this helps.

    ETA: As for how to deal with her, I say, when she starts going on and on about her wedding, say "that's great!!!" And then try to change the subject, politely. Also, keep in mind that she'll probably calm down a little as time goes on.
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    marleylikeairmarleylikeair member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    P. S. If your screenname is your actual name (or will be when you get hitched), you might want to change it and come back to the boards, just for your own privacy.
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    paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Have you heard of the racer's rule (aka swimmer's rule)? It goes something like this:

    "No matter how fast you are, there will always be someone ahead of you. No matter how slow you are, there will be someone behind you."
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    She is allowed to be excited about her wedding. You are being overly sensitive - get over it. Its not a race, everyone's relationship moves at different speeds. The fact that you burst into tears when you saw they got engaged is ridiculous.

    My BF and I have been together 2 1/2 years (which really isn't even that long) and I've seen countless friends get engaged during that time. I'll admit that sometimes it bums me out (but never more than just a moment or two) a little bit that I'm still not engaged to my BF that I've been dating longer than most of them have even know their FI or DH but after I get over myself I'm genuinely happy for them just like I know they will be genuinely happy for me when its my turn.

    There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't be happy for her. This is an exciting time in her life and its an exciting time in her FI's life (who is your BF's best friend). You should be happy for both of them.


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    meamollymeamolly member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I am not going to sugar coat this. Grow up, put on some big girl panties and be truly happy for her. Your day will come. Now stop letting the green eyed monster rule you when she is around. She is NOT rubbing it in your face, she sounds like she is only happy and excited to be engaged and has hit the floor running with the planing. It also sounds like she is excited for you to get engaged so you can both share the glow that is known as engaged.
    as my mom says BUCK UP
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:7f7afd6f-7e27-4e85-967d-611e035552eb">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you heard of the racer's rule (aka swimmer's rule)? It goes something like this: "No matter how fast you are, there will always be someone ahead of you. No matter how slow you are, there will be someone behind you."
    Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

    Paint, I have never heard that before but I like it.
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    Beads921Beads921 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:9705a3dc-0618-44eb-b7a0-d4a75e147e5f">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]P. S. If your screenname is your actual name (or will be when you get hitched), you might want to change it and come back to the boards, just for your own privacy.
    Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

    <div>Marley's right. Internet safety is your friend.</div>
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    edited December 2011
    OP- I understand how you can feel this way. I have been there before. FI and I have been together almost a whole year longer than my sister and her husband. They were engaged and married before FI and I were engaged and they also have their first child and FI and I are not even married yet. I am also in the boat of our friends getting engaged after us but getting married before us. It can be frustrating having to wait for our day to come but I know that it will come.

    One thing you can not do is compare your relationship to their's. You do not know what they have been through as a couple or as individuals that would warrant them reaching this stage in their relationship before your's. Enjoy being together and knowing that good things come to those who wait.
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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Stop comparing. Seriously, you'll feel so much better once you do.

    Focus on the good things of your relationship - and remember that "soon" is relative. So what you think is soon, maybe different from your BFF's idea of soon, and your BF's idea of soon. Focus on the here and now, not the engagement that may be coming sometime in the future.

    Also, I want to echo PP's sentiments that while she may be annoying about how much she talks about her wedding- she just got engaged. People do get really excited, and I highly doubt she's doing it just to make you feel badly. Also, you said you two weren't very close- if that's the case, why are you talking to her so much about her wedding?
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    PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You guys are way too nice now.
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    edited December 2011
    I completely understand how you feel - except for me, it was my best friend and her now husband.  They'd been together just over 2 years, and I had been with DH (BF at the time) for almost 4.5 years, and I just lost it.  We had a huge fight, and it was nearly impossible for me to be happy for my best friend.  He (DH) proposed 5 months later, btw, and we got married 4.5 months after they did.

    What I can say is you have the right to FEEL however you want to feel - we can't tell you that you are wrong for having an emotion.  What we CAN say, however, is that you need to take a mental step back from the situation and realize that they're just happy.  It's a really emotionally overwhelming time for both you and for her, and she's probably not trying to hurt your feelings.

    At this point, if you haven't had an open and honest discussion with your BF, it may be time to make sure that you're on the same page with what you want in life.  Yes, it's hard to wait for an engagement, but what's worse - waiting for someone who loves you and wants to marry you, or waiting for someone who doesn't?  If he wants to marry you, then you just have to sit back, enjoy him and your relationship for what it is NOW, and just wait for it.
    imageAnniversary

    RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
    You made my wedding day complete.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:40b56418-301d-4fa3-9f5f-999e3e56cafb">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You guys are way too nice now.
    Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]


    I have NOT changed a bit! :P
    Anniversary
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    PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:2ba1c9d8-936e-48d0-a6e4-d463ff9d36aa">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help) : I have NOT changed a bit! :P
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

    That's true. You were always a marshmallow. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:40b56418-301d-4fa3-9f5f-999e3e56cafb">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]You guys are way too nice now.
    Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Can we not go there again? You could have just said whatever mean thing you wanted to say. We are beating a dead horse. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>OP- Really? Burst into tears? You cried to your boyfriend about his friend getting engaged? You don't have to be happy for them, but you shouldn't behave like a child. Throwing a hissy fit indicates your lack of maturity, and immature people probably shouldn't be engaged. </div><div>
    </div><div>Clam down, and be patient. Also an indicator of maturity. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:558fc95d-a78a-4b4a-a6fa-2da77963e188">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help) : Can we not go there again? You could have just said whatever mean thing you wanted to say. We are beating a dead horse.  OP- Really? Burst into tears? You cried to your boyfriend about his friend getting engaged? You don't have to be happy for them, but you shouldn't behave like a child. Throwing a hissy fit indicates your lack of maturity, and immature people probably shouldn't be engaged.  Clam down, and be patient. Also an indicator of maturity. 
    Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

    I have no idea what horse you are referring to, but it was much shorter to infer my opinion than to type it all out. I'm a lazy bitch. Mreh.

    And I agree with everything you said.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:4b8a71b3-3988-40be-b09c-063b07a4b0d7">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help) : I have no idea what horse you are referring to, but it was much shorter to infer my opinion than to type it all out. I'm a lazy bitch. Mreh. And I agree with everything you said.
    Posted by PandaBurr[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>YGPM

    </div>

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
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    edited December 2011
    She is in competitive mode. Apparently she envy's you. He probably got her riing at Walmart. She sounds like a typical bridezilla. Befriend her and invite her to go eat all the time and before you know it, she can't fit in her dress.
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    edited December 2011

    OP, I think you're being ridiculous. You cried because someone else got engaged before you? You know, other people on this earth have gotten engaged before you and, dare I say it? They've even gotten married before you... Get over it! 

    I think you're insecure about your own relationship and the direction it's going or you would not have to 'pretend' to be happy for another couple who have chosen to get married. I think your own jealousy is causing you to be seriously paranoid and exaggerate this girls actions... Learn to be happy with your own relationship the way it is and stop judging other people's relationships.


    Anyway... Joiner? Does your family own Walmart?? I was there the other day and I "almost" convinced BF to buy my ring there for $58 but he said that I deserved better than that and I was hoping you could tell your daddy to get a better selection of rings!! Maybe some for $78 would be suitable for my sausage fingers!  K? Thanks!!

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    SKP82SKP82 member
    Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:3fa0d600-d92a-4715-b1f8-57d0b0c167de">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]She is in competitive mode. Apparently she envy's you. He probably got her riing at Walmart. She sounds like a typical bridezilla. Befriend her and invite her to go eat all the time and before you know it, she can't fit in her dress.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    ? what ?
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_couple-friends-engaged-ranti-need-advice-sorry-its-long-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5804cb13-30fb-43fd-9f5a-f31086de5ed6Post:dbd703ad-012f-4bda-a1bb-63bc81e51b2b">Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Couple Friends Engaged (rant/i need some advice - sorry its so long, please help) : ? what ?
    Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

    Ignore Joiner.  I don't think she's a troll, but she's rather ridiculous and her advice is usually totally off the wall and inappropriate, and often on posts that have been dead a long time.

    image

    Anniversary

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    PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    CT- YGPM
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