Just Wondering...

StinaPie14

I'm just wondering what everyone here thinks about this.

One of my coworkers is getting married. The thing is, she's already married and has a kid with her husband. She's only been married for a little over a year. But when they first got married, is was just a quick thing with her parents, brother, sister, and JOP. So now they're getting married with a bunch of people there. And not just a reception either. She's got a dress, he's wearing a tux...the whole nine yards. She's also having a shower. And the whole thing is costing $3,000-$4,000 which her parents are paying for.

To me this seems a little gift grabby. Or cash grabby since she only registered for a few things and has stated many times that she would rather have money. I'm just wondering what other people's opinions on this are...

bethsmiles

Gift grabby for sure. I wouldn't be getting them any sort of gift or going to the wedding or anything.

leia1979

For a minute I thought this was going to be all Jerry Springer and she was getting married to someone else!

Anyway, I know some people are really down on having a JOP ceremony followed by a big wedding later. Personally, I think if she wants to get dressed up and have a party, that's her perogative. Whether anyone goes or not is their individual decision as is getting a gift. The shower may be a little much, but whatever. No one is forcing anyone else to go.

Narwhal

Is she calling it a wedding or a renewal of vows? That is where the problems lie.

StinaPie14

Yeah. I can understand wanting to have the whole thing. It actually was supposed to just be a reception when it all started. I'm just not sure about the shower. And do you know how hard it is to find a wedding card that's not "Enjoy beginning your new lives together"?! Because that doesn't really fit this situation. Haha.

StinaPie14

Narwhal--She is calling it a wedding. She keeps counting down the weeks until the wedding.

PaigeMcC

I think it's a little gift grabby but I can understand wanting to have a celebration of your marriage.  But this seems a rude way to do it.

bethsmiles

If she were calling it a vow renewal then it would be different but calling it a wedding and acting like you aren't already married (which is what she is doing IMO) is unnecessary.

Narwhal

Get a congratulations card.

My BF's former stepmom eloped and got married and we couldn't find a card that would fit it, so I grabbed a congratulations card and wrote in the message.

jeanacorina

If it weren't for the cash thing, I wouldn't be TERRIBLY worried about it. It seems a little weird to me, to be counting down and everything... I mean, counting down to what? Your big expensive party?

My cousin eloped to the JOP a few months after her son was born. I kept waiting for her to have a wedding. I would have been thrilled. But, she never did. They've discussed maybe doing an anniversary celebration with family later down the road, maybe at 10 or 15 years. Leave it to my awesome cousin to be completely classy even when I wouldn't be in her situation.

StinaPie14

I was at Hallmark and seriously debating a Congratulations card! But I found one that just said something about hoping that love lives in their life together. I thought that was generic enough.

StinaPie14

Jeana--I'm not really worried about it. I was mostly just wondering if anyone else had the same thoughts about it that I did. I mean, I've heard of people having a reception type thing after doing a JOP first, but never a whole wedding. I didn't know if other people experienced this at all.

notquiteblushing

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-wondering-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5858d70d-c677-40f8-bc16-f17517e66f59Post:c4e5f0bc-07df-4e01-b385-5916c341755e">Re: Just Wondering...</a>:
[QUOTE]I was at Hallmark and seriously debating a Congratulations card! But I found one that just said something about hoping that love lives in their life together. I thought that was generic enough.
Posted by StinaPie14[/QUOTE]


I think that's very nice of you and appropriate.  What I've come to realize if that even if our friends/family make choices we don't support they're still our friends/family, know what I mean?  So yes I think it's totally weird she's having a "wedding" if she were my friend I'd wish her the best.

StinaPie14

Blush--Thank you! She's one of my really good friends at work. I wasn't coming on here trying to bash her or anything. I was mostly interested in other people's thoughts/experiences with this. I am going to both the shower and the wedding. From hearing her talk about it, this is obviously something she really wants to do and it's making her happy. That's what matters the most!

zipis1

I LOVE that picture of you two, NQB. It's perfect (best word I could think to describe it :P).

As for the OP, the only thing that makes me eyebrowy is the shower. The rest I wouldn't think twice about, honestly, but the shower (and the asking for money) is what seems "gift grabby" to me.

loves2shop4shoes

That sounds really, really tacky and rude.  To tell people to give you money because you've decided to have a pretty princess day is just ridiculous.

I wouldn't go.

Goldlie11

I'm in the mindset of you get one day.  If you choose to JOP, that should be it in most cases.  I don't think it's wrong to have an anniversary party on a significant anniversary.     

I think that JOPing it then throwing a big party later can come off as gift grabby and AWing.  From an etiquette standpoint, you don't have to bring a gift since you did not actually witness the wedding.  I would bring something super small or just a card, depending on my relationship with the "bride".  And having a bridal shower for a woman who is already married is completely inappropriate. 

GreenPepperBurger

Tacky with a capital T. Sounds like someone regrets her elopement and wants her pretty princess day. Sorry toots, it doesn't work like that.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-wondering-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5858d70d-c677-40f8-bc16-f17517e66f59Post:6f974f23-2d1b-465f-8c6c-6af26ca0c4ac">Re: Just Wondering...</a>:
[QUOTE]Tacky with a capital T. Sounds like someone regrets her elopement and wants her pretty princess day. Sorry toots, it doesn't work like that.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
You said it so much better than me.  

fontassidy

Agree w/the PP's who said fine to the "wedding"/reception but a shower?? Really, though? THAT I wouldn't be attending. I think it's great if she's decided she now wants to celebrate her marriage with friends & family, but asking for gifts a year later or whatever is kinda gross. I'm a hater when it comes to showers anyway, though. Won't be having any of that myself. :P

leia1979

LOL, fontassidy. Not one of my friends have had a shower. I don't think I would either.

OP - You sound like a very nice person.

StinaPie14

Thanks for all of your comments guys! I wasn't sure if it was just me thinking this or if I was having a normal thought process. I will be attending both her shower and her wedding (don't hate! ). She started off as a good coworker, and has turned into a good friend, so I don't want to upset her by blowing off her parties. I want to support her with what she wants to do.

And leia--Thank you!!! 

jemmini6

I've had a friend do this too, but in their case it was totally appropriate, I thought.  They were already engaged and had started planning a wedding (they had put a deposit on the venue and she had already purchased a dress), but then her FI got a late notice to deploy to Iraq for a year.  They went ahead and got married on paper at the JoP and then had their original wedding ceremony and reception (just pushed back a while, the venue was really understanding about applying their deposit to a later date)when he got back.  It was still a traditional wedding, gifts, shower and all, but it seemed appropriate because it wasn't like they randomly decided to elope just because and then realized later that they wanted all the pomp and circumstance of a wedding, It just made sense for them to make it 'legal' on paper beforehand and then 'official' by committing to each other in front of their family and friends after.

In this situation, sounds like they are being super gift-grabby.  If you plan to elope, then plan on skipping the 'traditional' wedding and reception.  You can't have your cake and eat it too...

lodonnell616

I agree with Jemmini in that I think it depends on the circumstances.  Friends of mine eloped in Vegas.  They are having the reception and a small non-religious ceremony where they live next year.  They are from two different countries, don't live in either one of their home country and wanted to give ample time for guests to make travel arrangements.  They will be "married" for over a year before the wedding.

Hazel_B

First, personally I wouldn't completely judge her on the shower. The only reason i say this is because my cousin eloped and her mom insisted on having a shower for her. Even combined it with the shower that my mom and aunts were throwing for her FDL in order to guarantee her own daughter got one. My mom and aunts were furious, they completely didn't agree but couldn't retract information once the mother had told the rest of the family.

Second, the money thing is not unique to this particular situation. I know of plenty of people that have done similar things and never eloped ahead of time.

Sure there are things that many people won't agree with, but I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that she already eloped.

catemeg

This is a very common practice with military couples, who JOP before training/deployment and then have a full wedding after their husband comes back.  And it's just as controversial.

It's not really intended to be 'gift grabby' usually as much as they just want their "big white wedding".  Whether they regret not having the full "daddy walk you down the aisle in the white dress, cut the wedding cake" experience, or felt they had to get married earlier than they were able to afford a ceremony and reception (as can be the situation when people have kids together).  The correct way to phrase it to let people know you're already married is "vow renewal" but not everyone realizes that.  I'd say just assume she's ignorant and has the best intentions.  I'm always up for giving people the benefit of the doubt, and letting people enjoy their wedding day.  I

'll never be the person to say someone doesn't deserve a "big white wedding day" just because they legally tied the knot via JOP or have been divorced before from someone else.  So long as they let people know they're already legally married and don't try to lie to everyone about that, I wish them the best!

fontassidy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_just-wondering-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5858d70d-c677-40f8-bc16-f17517e66f59Post:6d07f30d-fe6d-49a6-b79d-0ded848a6572">Re: Just Wondering...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all of your comments guys! I wasn't sure if it was just me thinking this or if I was having a normal thought process. I will be attending both her shower and her wedding (don't hate!  ). Posted by StinaPie14[/QUOTE]

Awww, hehe! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

I think it's very sweet of you to go to both. Just the concept itself isn't my fav thing in the world, regardless of the circumstances. :) Either way I hope you have fun & that she has a beautiful wedding/vow renewal/PARTYYYYY...