Life Changes

csousa1

Happy Cinco de Mayo ladies!! I am not much in the festive mood, but dammit I am trying! I know you all will help

So for anyone that has read my epicly long post from Monday, you know that my relationship went through big changes this weekend and I am dealing with some emotional rollercoaster issues in it's wake. Well, not really a rollercoaster I guess, because I'm not really experiencing any highs....but you get it.

So here's my deep question....if you just found out that for whatever reason, the next 5 or so years of your life were going to be completely different than you expected (proposal, marriage, babies all put on indefinite hold), and you had to re-evaluate, where would you start? Would you be sad, or excited about new possibilities, or both? Would you plan a trip, or maybe go back to school? I'm tyring to be as positive as possible, so I thought this would be an interesting conversation topic to get rolling  

KatyRoseM

I would be devastated.  I would probably fall apart for a bit and then go work on my career.  I'm sorry but I honestly don't know what I would do.  I'm sure I would pick myself up and deal, but it would take me a long time.  I'm not good at coping with these things.

ADTonk

My answer might be different from some others since BF and I have been together for almost 7 years.

If I found out that none of those things would be happening in the next 5 years, I would seriously think about leaving and starting over.  Seven years has already been a long time and it is quite frustrating at this point because at times I feel like my life hasn't moved from where it has been since 2004 (aside from graduating from college and getting a career job, both of which are huge accomplishments for me). 

I love my BF very much, but if I found out that his plans for our future were so different from mine, it would be time for some serious thinking and some serious talking.

peekaboo2011

Lets start with *hugs*.

I think to each person it's different.  FI and I are reevaluating right now, not so much because of a fight, but because circumstances changed.  We had hoped to be married by next year.  I got into grad school, and we just pushed everything back three years.  I'm trying to keep a positive outlook - despite the fact that he'll be in DC and I'll be in FL (unless he gets a job somewhere else), we still have each other, and we're still moving forward together.  We're both healthy and young and more than capable of getting through things together.

He, however, keeps telling me that there's nothing good about it.  But what he wanted was for u s to be physically together full time for the first time in two years. 

You need to do what's best for you, what makes you happy.  Maybe that's going out with friends, or taking lessons of some sort (SCUBA is AWESOME), or going back to school.  Distract yourself from the situation.  It's not bad to think about it periodically, you need to come to terms with it.  But you shouldn't dwell.

Cliche alert!: Whenever I get upset about stuff not going the way I wanted it to, Ma always says "everything happens for a reason."  When I applied to college, I applied to three schools, and was crushed when I didn't get in to Georgetown (I had a 4.125, and was fluent in another language, how could they NOT want me?), and it wasn't like mope around the house crushed, it was stay in bed and cry for a week crushed.  But, I got really sick sophomore year.  If I had gone to Georgetown, there's a good chance I wouldn't be graduating right now, there's a good chance I wouldn't have gone back after fall semester sophomore year.  But I'm walking with my BS after three years in my major, because my profs moved my finals around my hospital visits and Dr's appointments, and they let me turn stuff in when I could do it, because just because I was in class didn't mean that I was conscious.   And they all actually really cared.  I never needed a Dr's note or anything, they just wanted me to be healthy.  And they still just want to get me where I'm going, no matter what it takes.

My point is that as much as this sucks right now, you'll know more about it in a few years, or maybe a few months.  Keep your chin up and push through.  Distract yourself.  You and your SO will be through it before you know it. *hugs*

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6755525c-9c13-49e2-bbfd-228b1fa36124Post:86d27ac6-9719-44bb-bd2f-da936590c466">Re: Life Changes</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be devastated.  I would probably fall apart for a bit and then go work on my career.  I'm sorry but I honestly don't know what I would do.  I'm sure I would pick myself up and deal, <strong>but it would take me a long time.  I'm not good at coping with these things.
</strong>Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

Me either :( I hate change, I always have. I let myself fall for this man BECAUSE he wanted all the same things I do, despite all my fears of getting hurt, and now he doesn't. Right now, it doesn't matter that it's for a totally legitimate, non-commitment phobic reason, or that it's the right thing for him to decide, all I know in my emotionally primitive and very raw state is that he abandoned me in my dream and is nowhere to be found, and I'm crushed.

DanieKA

I would be sad. I'd be disappointed. Absolutely. Even though we all realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed and that God (If you believe in that) laughs at our plans, it's still hard not to plan. I don't know many young women (or men) who don't have at least some plan or some idea of where they'd like their life to be in 2 or 3 or 5 years.

But having been through some upheaval in the past, I can honestly say I'd take some time to be sad, but I'd be thinking and re-evaluating what it is I really wanted and how to go about that. If you were putting off or completely disregarding school solely because you thought marriage and babies were in your immediate future, I'd start there. If that was something you really wanted, but prioritized a possible family above that (no shame in that) and circumstances have changed, I'd absolutely start there. 

As far as your relationship goes, it again, goes back to what you want at your core. If having a family and children is a priority to you in future and your current partner is waffling, that is simply not fair to you. I'm not saying to stay or leave, but you can't be unfair to yourself. You have some power and decision making as well, and it's unfair for him to unilaterally change your life plans, while you sit back and accept it. You will regret it if you allow yourself to give all the power to him like that. 

But if this is the person for you. If this is really it, it's worth fighting for. No one ever said life and love were easy. I think people tend to give up way too soon. Don't get me wrong, some people shouldn't be together and should have discovered that before getting married and having kids, but now is a good time fight for your relationship and fight for what you want.   

Personally, "indefinite hold" is unacceptable. That is 100% unfair. It's one thing if he wants to put his life on hold, it's another for him to drag you with him without your input. The decision to wait to get engaged and married and have babies, or to move to a different city, or what movie to watch, or how much to spend on a home, or anything big should be a well thought out choice decided by the two of you. Not just him. I wouldn't let anyone do that to me. 

Plans are never set in stone, but changes that are within the control of the two people in the relationship should be discussed with equal input. 

Sparrow87

I'm sure I'd be pretty sad, but I don't make plans that go out any further than a year or two and I'm pretty receptive to change. 

I had a couple of life changing events late last year that taught me the valuable lesson of life going in directions that you don't want it to whether you like it or not so you've just got to go with the flow.  And trust me that's not a fun lesson to learn the hard way! 

LizzyTish88

Oh hunny, *hugs*

I would be heartbroken. I would allow myself to be sad for a time, and also try to find ways to not think about it. But like others have stated, every situation is different. In November, BF and I will have been together 9 years. If he told me that we would be holding off on marriage/moving forward for an indefinite time, I would consider leaving. Marriage and family is very important to me. I am not saying that this would be an easy decision for me, because I love BF and truly feel that he is my other half.

I think that you need to sit down along and really consider your future and decided if you want your BF there. Do you love him enough (which really isn't the right word but only one I can think of right now) to stay even though you might not be moving forward any time soon? If you truly want to stay with him knowing that you won't be moving forward, than do just that. You need to revaluate your life, with YOU as the first priority. It is not going to be easy and it will not happen overnight. Maybe go out to a spa or something relaxing alone, and give yourself time to think and lay it all out in your mind.

We are all obviously here for you when you need to talk and vent, but I think this is a decision that you have to make yourself.

ravenray

*Hugz*  I am sorry that you are dealing with this.  I didn't comment on your post because I am terrible at relationship advice but I do remember reading it and feeling bad for you.   Fights suck.

To answer your question, I am not sure what I would do.  I would seriously consider not being with that person.  But at the same time, I am young, 5 years isn't that long for me and I could probably get through it, as it wasn't a habit that kept pushing the date farther back.  If I wasn't working or in school, I would do one of those things.  I would try to live but most likely end up staying in my room with the lights off for way too long.  

Hazel_B

I'm so sorry about what you are going through.

At my age an "indefinite hold" would probably make me leave. In 5 years I'll be in my mid to late 30s and I'd have to think about myself. It'd be ridiculously hard but I think it'd be harder for me watching my friends and family raising families and feeling like my relationship may or may not be going somewhere.

csousa1

To clear one thing up, I made a point to realize this weekend that I was being faced with the decision of this man or that future, and I chose him. The choice has already been made, and I am standing by it. This is just the fallout. If it were some wishy washy reason that he changed his mind then bet your a$$ I would be out the door. But (for those that don't know, which it seems most of you do) his feelings have changed about the future because of a terrible loss and some family drama that have shaken his faith in himself and the world. He doesn't want to even think about making huge adult decisions until he has his head right. I commend that decision, I'm just grieving the loss of what we have to sacrifice for it. I'm sure that he will figure things out and overcome his depression faster than any of us think, and who knows, I could be married and holding our baby in my arms in two years, just as I hoped. Right now I just feel so sad and disconnected that it is hard for me to hope for anything.

It's still been really good to have you all talk about evaluating whether or not to stay with him, because it makes me even more sure about my decision.

You ladies are so freakin' wise, it kills me. Everyone said that I need distractions and time for myself, and you are absolutely right. I didn't intend for this to get all emotional again, I'm sorry! But you guys really do help so much

[Deleted User]

I know how frustrating plan changes can be, being in a LDR in my last year of college has led to a huge roller coaster of what is best for both of us.  What's important is that you need to be happy with your life.  Doing something to make yourself happy will make this situation a lot better to get through.  BF and I have been really planning on the future because it makes my move to CA a lot easier for me to deal with, and there have been times where I have questioned if I really want to do that.  I decided that what would make me happy is doing things for myself, I am going to do a lot of traveling before (and a bit after) I move, without BF so I can enjoy being with myself and friends and not having to worry about him.  Going to Peru is one of those, I'm going to be doing something I love, insect collecting, which is something I would never be able to do with him because he is terrified of insects (especially spiders or anything that can be mistaken for spiders, seriously, this boy is scared of those tiny window spiders).

What I am trying to get at is that you should find your bit of independence and do something that you absolutely love without having to worry about your BF.  It would also give him time and space to grieve on his own.  Girl's trip to Las Vegas may be fun, I'm gonna try to do something like that this summer.

We've gotta learn how to make the best out of a situation that we want to be better.

bethsmiles

**HUGS** I'm sorry wyou are going through this

I agree with the PPs, you need to do something for you.

ADTonk

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6755525c-9c13-49e2-bbfd-228b1fa36124Post:c8a26e01-6ea9-44aa-878b-b8d6236ab2f0">Re: Life Changes</a>:
[QUOTE]To clear one thing up, I made a point to realize this weekend that I was being faced with the decision of this man or that future, and I chose him. The choice has already been made, and I am standing by it. This is just the fallout. If it were some wishy washy reason that he changed his mind then bet your a$$ I would be out the door. But (for those that don't know, which it seems most of you do) his feelings have changed about the future because of a terrible loss and some family drama that have shaken his faith in himself and the world. He doesn't want to even think about making huge adult decisions until he has his head right. I commend that decision, I'm just grieving the loss of what we have to sacrifice for it. I'm sure that he will figure things out and overcome his depression faster than any of us think, and who knows, I could be married and holding our baby in my arms in two years, just as I hoped. Right now I just feel so sad and disconnected that it is hard for me to hope for anything. It's still been really good to have you all talk about evaluating whether or not to stay with him, because it makes me even more sure about my decision. You ladies are so freakin' wise, it kills me. Everyone said that I need distractions and time for myself, and you are absolutely right. I didn't intend for this to get all emotional again, I'm sorry! But you guys really do help so much :)
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

It sounds like his friend's passing really had a huge impact on his life to say the least.  I admire your strength in staying with him because sticking around with someone who is so broken must be very tough.  If you haven't already, I would sit down and let him know that you are going to be there for him.  Let him know that your shoulder is there for him to cry on.  When he does come to terms with dealing with the grief, your relationship will be a heck of a lot stronger than it was before.

This is truly what they call "through good times and bad".  You don't need a ring, a dress, and a party to make that commitment.

Hazel_B

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6755525c-9c13-49e2-bbfd-228b1fa36124Post:c8a26e01-6ea9-44aa-878b-b8d6236ab2f0">Re: Life Changes</a>:
[QUOTE]To clear one thing up, I made a point to realize this weekend that I was being faced with the decision of this man or that future, and I chose him. The choice has already been made, and I am standing by it. This is just the fallout. If it were some wishy washy reason that he changed his mind then bet your a$$ I would be out the door. But (for those that don't know, which it seems most of you do) his feelings have changed about the future because of a terrible loss and some family drama that have shaken his faith in himself and the world. <strong>He doesn't want to even think about making huge adult decisions until he has his head right</strong>. I commend that decision, I'm just grieving the loss of what we have to sacrifice for it. I'm sure that he will figure things out and overcome his depression faster than any of us think, and who knows, I could be married and holding our baby in my arms in two years, just as I hoped. Right now I just feel so sad and disconnected that it is hard for me to hope for anything. It's still been really good to have you all talk about evaluating whether or not to stay with him, because it makes me even more sure about my decision. You ladies are so freakin' wise, it kills me. Everyone said that I need distractions and time for myself, and you are absolutely right. I didn't intend for this to get all emotional again, I'm sorry! But you guys really do help so much :)
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

I agree with you, I think that he is very responsible in wanting to get things sorted out first before making big decisions. My concern is if he isn't proactive about things. Having dealt with depression within my own family it can be very serious stuff. Sometimes people can make it through on their own and sometimes they can't. It certainly takes time to heal and you can't rush that. However, seeking professional help can be really useful, particularly if he feels that he has hit a wall and is having difficulty getting past that.

Also remember it takes someone very strong to stay with someone going through this type of thing. Remember to give yourself some credit too. I'm sure he appreciates the stability that having you there for him provides.

bethsmiles

Is he getting any help for his grief? Because if my BF wanted to put all of our plans on hold because he was having so much trouble dealing with a death I would probably make him participate in some sort of therapy, whether it was group or individual. I think you are a strong person for staying with him and I admire that but if I were in your position I would be more comfortable with a decision to stay with him if I knew he was getting help so that eventually he could move past this.

DanieKA

I agree (again) w/ most PP's. This is going to sound callous, and I don't mean it to, but tragedy or not he made a huge life decision that affects the both of you, but he made it alone. I admire you staying w/ him, but that would not sit right with me. Huge, life changing things will happen over the course of a relationship. People close to us will die. Bad things will happen. Thick and thin and all that. I expect hard times, but no life changing decision will be made by only one party without extensive discussion.

ETA: just to clarify, it's not what he decided that doesn't sit right, which by all accounts seems to be a wise choice, it's how he decided. By himself. It's almost as if it's okay because it's a good decision, but it seems indicative of the way he might proceed with other big life choices. There's a big difference between deciding to postpone things indefinitely together, and yes, being on the younger side helps with that, and him deciding on his own. 

heyimbren

What was the decision he made for you both? To postpone engagement until he's a bit more settled with these other issues? If that's the case, then I think he made a wise decision. And it doesn't sound like anything is set in stone.

I don't know what steps he's taking to work on this, but as long as he is taking some then that's a start. It very well may take some time to see what will work for him and for healing to gradually take place.

And that's hard. But, hopefully, this is temporary. Life changes and plans change, and a big part of that is learning how to deal with that and being content.

To answer your OP, I'd be upset. BF and I have a similar situation right now, except it's more about relationship changes and circumstances. And while I know the decision made was best for him (and therefore, us as a couple as well) it still sucks in the meantime. But we have the time to spare since we're younger, and I still have a long way to go with schooling.

csousa1

Bren, the decision he made was to postpone everything (engagement, marriage, babies) indefinitely until he figures things out. I think that is great, and necessary, but I'm still sad about what it means. I'm not old by any stretch, I'm only 26, but we had always agreed that marriage and babies wasn't all that far in the future, all happening/starting before 30 for both of us (he just turned 27), and now that probably won't be the case. Just sucks.

I did tell him that if he wants any of this to work and me to stick by him he has to go to therapy. That will be tough for him, he has a very tough guy persona and would be embarassed at first, but it has to happen. I want to go too, to deal with all of this and other issues that I have like insecurity, abandonment issues, etc. I'm one of those people that thinks just about everyone can benefit from therapy. I think it would be the best if we went separately and then also went together intermittently. Once we come up with a plan for that and start going, I think things will get a lot better.

cu97tiger

Oh sousa, I know this is a rough time for you. My recommendation is distract, distract, distract. You will have times where you are sad, or angry, but don't let yourself dwell on it. Bask in the wonderful relationship that you have with your BF and all the other things that are good and right in your life right now. 

lunarsongbird

Hi Csousa!

I've been lurking on the boards for a bit (as recommended by everyone), but I wanted to step in and offer my support. It's such a bummer that you're having to go through this. It seems like a lot of my friends have had a problem-free relationship and then were totally surprised by the engagement. No serious discussions about marraige. No trials and tribulations. But poof- a beautiful ring! I have to admit- sometimes I'm jealous.

But then I have to think- Andrew and I will really really know eachother once we're married. We'll know how to communicate with eachother effectively. We'll be confident that we can handle any issue together. I won't have any doubts when I say "I do." I'll know that we do- and we can!

I can say the same thing about you! I think this will actually bring you and your SO closer. You will have worked through many issues. You will be so far ahead of many couples once you get married.

Counseling is going to be great! You may want to ask your therapist about the amino acid called 5HTP. I've been taking it for awhile and LOVE it! And then when Andrew's mother got diagnosed with breast cancer- he slipped into a dark time. It was hard for him to even communicate with me through his sadness. He was willing to try this mix called "Mood Support" by SUN and it has made a world of difference!

And on the topic of an "indefinite" postponement of plans- I'm not sure it will be that indefinite. Seeing that your SO cried when your mother offered those words about being a father- to me- that just shows me how much he really does want to be a father. I'm sure your SO wants your proposal to be incredible....He knows you deserve the most beautiful moment he can muster. So once some time has passed...I think all plans will be back on track.

lunarsongbird

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6755525c-9c13-49e2-bbfd-228b1fa36124Post:1392ff3b-3f9c-4069-8b16-6a6e5a28284b">Re: Life Changes</a>:
[QUOTE]My recommendation is distract, distract, distract.Posted by cu97tiger[/QUOTE]

I took think this is a great idea!! Have you heard of Meetup.com?
It's this great social networking webpage- groups of people that meet and do all sorts of things- hiking, eat sushi, watch movies- you name it- you can find a group on it. And if not- you could always start your own!!

Two years ago- I moved from Connecticut to California to be with my boyfriend at the time. As soon as my boxes got in the door- I knew I made a mistake. But I had no one to talk to. I had no where to go. I was stuck...stuck in our little itty bity apartment. ::sigh::

So I started a Meetup group called "<a href="http://www.meetup.com/lbl-ladies">Laid Back Lively Ladies</a>"- Oh how awesome this group was for me. Today there are 657 members and we've met over 200 times. We've gone camping, whale watching, wine tasting, and sooo much more. It gave me something to really focus on!

The group offered me support as I struggled through a failing relationship, tried to find a new job, they helped me move out of my apartment with the BF, they smiled as I started to date again, and celebrated when I met Andrew. I think it's one of the things Andrew loves most about me- I'm happy. I'm happy with him- but I'm just as happy on my own. And he SOOO appreciates his "alone time." It helps him sort out all his feelings (i.e. processing his mom's cancer).

I hope this helps. As a newbie, I know I probably shouldn't make such LOONNNG posts....but if there is anything I can do to help...or if any of my suggestions help- it's worth it. :)

csousa1

I really like you newbie lunar

And thanks for the suggestion cu How are you doing with everything?

Peaseblossom55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_life-changes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6755525c-9c13-49e2-bbfd-228b1fa36124Post:ec1e27b2-44df-43c6-8c26-08482dfcf132">Re: Life Changes</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm so sorry about what you are going through. At my age an "indefinite hold" would probably make me leave. In 5 years I'll be in my mid to late 30s and I'd have to think about myself. It'd be ridiculously hard but I think it'd be harder for me watching my friends and family raising families and feeling like my relationship may or may not be going somewhere.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]<div>As Hazel said if I waited for 5 years I'd be in my mid- late 30's.  I would most likely leave.  I would hope it all meant in some waythat I'd find out later God had some other plan for me.  I would defintely be upset and very emotional over it.  I've got  a masters degree I've traveled, and done a lot of me things.  I'm ready to be a we and have a family.  I don't think I could continue on in a relationship waiting and hoping these plans would come back into play I'd be so upset watching my friends get married, raise families, not sure if this was in the cards for us.</div><div>
</div><div>"When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."

</div>

lunarsongbird

Yay!! I was so afraid people were just going to hear me saying, "I, I, I, me, me, me." It's how I relate to others. I hope through sharing my experiences, it can help others.

Things are going well. I'm SO trying not to freak out about moving to Colorado. Did I mention that? On June 1st- Andrew and I will be giving notice to our employers and moving to Colorado on the 14th. I'm nervous about finding a job and anticipating the creditors calling. Citibank is my biggest fan! They even text me to tell me how much they love me and want my money. It's so thoughtful, really.

I'm anxious about living with Andrew's parents. Andrew also doesn't have a job out there. We're moving, because we simply can't attain our dreams here. We can't afford to buy a home here in California- and like you- I've always wanted to settle down and start a family.

But your SO kinda sounds like mine- and it may just be a guy thing- he can only focus on one issue at a time. Whereas I can think/dream/worry about almost everything at the same time.

How are you feeling? Totally drained, I bet! Take a bubble bath...you totally deserve it. And buy yourself flowers. Heck- buy them for the bedroom and the living room! I bet by next week you'll be feeling SO much better!!