S/O Spanking

heyimbren

So I'm reading a chapter on children's international human rights and they're talking about physical punishment (i.e. spanking).

I know this is an issue that comes up every so often so I'm curious to here what your thoughts are.

Is spanking okay or is it something that society is so used to that we just don't want to give it up? Where do we draw the line on physical punishment?

Wrkn925

I was spanked.  I don't remember this physical punishment actually causing physical harm.  (It might've stung a little, but I don't remember that.  I remember the build up, and what I did to deserve it.)

I will probably spank my children.  I think it depends on the offense, opportunities to reform, and the childs' personality. 
My parents couldn't discipline me with time out, taking things away, threats, etc.  Time out was a vacation for me.

If they didn't spank me, I would've walked all over them.

bethsmiles

My parents spanked me and I'm perfectly fine. I don't know if I will spank my own children but I won't judge those who do.

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:4e94ea0f-eae0-403d-8119-8a9adda36213">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I was spanked.  I don't remember this physical punishment actually causing physical harm.  (It might've stung a little, but I don't remember that.  I remember the build up, and what I did to deserve it.) I will probably spank my children.  I think it depends on the offense, opportunities to reform, and the childs' personality.  <strong>My parents couldn't discipline me with time out</strong>, taking things away, threats, etc.  Time out was a vacation for me. If they didn't spank me, I would've walked all over them.
Posted by Wrkn925[/QUOTE]

My parents would put me in time out and when they'd ask if I was ready to behave, I'd tell them no. I also told my mom to sank harder. I was a gem. I surprised they never put me in therapy, I was a weirdo. Some of the things my parents have said that I said makes me wonder how I turned out to be a normal functioning person....sort of.

I was spanked and have no emotional scars from it. I will probably spank my children also.

heyimbren

What about the spoon (or other instrument)? Does that change anything?

Blue & White

I really don't remember being spanked.  Honestly, though, I was never really a bad kid.  I only remember being "grounded" once. 

I actually just ordered a book on child development because I really don't get why kids are so much stranger than me   So maybe they'll be a section about physical punishment there.

The only problem with "accepting" spanking in these days is that I see parents wailing on their kids in Target...and that kinda freaks me out. 

alanna91

My father used to spank me. I don't think my mother ever did. He only used is hand, not a paddle or anything.
I don't have an emotional scars from it. Unless of course, they're repressed and I don't know they exist.
But in all seriousness, it upset me maybe fifteen minutes after I was spanked. Then I'm sure I forgot and went on with what I was doing.
I could be unruly at times and I had a loud screech. Spanking put me in my place.
Kind of un-related, but I remember being the only one left in the kitchen and I was told I couldn't leave until I finished eating. I sat there and just kept saying "Nobody loves me anymore" loud enough for them to hear in the next room. They were probably laughing, while I was over there thinking my plan was fool-proof and would guilt them into letting me free.

SeaTea02

I wasn't spanked, but my sister's were. My parents were just too tried when I came around. 

I would likely pat on the bottom open fisted and while they are standing. I wouldn't turn them over my knee. I would also never spank while angry because then it becomes more about fulfilling the parent's rage than teaching a lesson. 

AudgiePodge

I spank, only using an open hand.

tropical.dreams

I don't have kids yet, so take it for what it's worth.

I was spanked--HARD--when I was a kid. I think it made me respect my parents' and other authority figures more in the long run. In theory, I'm fine with spanking if done without rage and without instruments. However, when I really think about spanking my own child, I don't know if I could do it more than just a quick smack on the leg, because I'm sure I'd feel horrible for purposely physically hurting my child. I guess I just hope that it doesn't happen that often or at all!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:58c4d31b-9359-4517-bcba-4c0f67b1c3a1">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't spanked, but my sister's were. My parents were just too tried when I came around.  I would likely pat on the bottom open fisted and while they are standing. I wouldn't turn them over my knee.<strong> I would also never spank while angry because then it becomes more about fulfilling the parent's rage than teaching a lesson. 
</strong>Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

I don't really believe in spanking. I know a lot of people do, but personally I agree with SeaTea's comment above. Many parents spank out of frustration. Also, I disagree with spanking for the same reason I am against the death penalty...I feel that it is wrong for the punisher to commit the same "offense" as a punishment. ie: I think it sends mixed signals to say it's not OK to hit your brother so you're getting a spanking. How can kids take that any other way than "mom is allowed to hit but i'm not"? 

tafft1

I will preface this by saying I do not have kids nor am I any expert by any means so take everything with a grain of salt. I do however believe that not every form of correction works on everyone. I do think spanking has it's place and time in discipline but isn't the only form or the first option. I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine and don't see any issues with it personally.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_spanking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6960bad9-e93e-4738-aa5f-a3913ff1e710Post:58c4d31b-9359-4517-bcba-4c0f67b1c3a1">Re: S/O Spanking</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't spanked, but my sister's were. My parents were just too tried when I came around.  I would likely pat on the bottom open fisted and while they are standing. I wouldn't turn them over my knee. <strong>I would also never spank while angry because then it becomes more about fulfilling the parent's rage than teaching a lesson. 
</strong>Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

I agree, SeaTea.  When I become a parent, I see myself putting my child in a "time out" while I calm down before spanking.  BF and I know we will spank our children, but I do think that it would be under extreme circumstances and only with the palm.  I never was spanked as a child (I was a saint), but my brothers were.  My mom would use wooden spoons and a belt sometimes.  Just the thought of getting a spanking was enough to keep me in line!

I hate when I see parents physically punishing their children in public because it makes me think, "If she is going to do that to her son in public, what does she do to him in the privacy of her own home???"  I used to volunteer as a guardian ad litem and would have been required to report this if I had seen it.  I'm glad I never witnessed it while I was volunteering...

Hazel_B

I think it depends on the child and the parents. 

Example 1, I was a wuss as a kid my mom could give me timeouts and make empty threats forever and I'd behave. My sister on the otherhand, my mom had to be prepared to make good on anything she said. Consequently, my sister got spanked and I didn't.

Example 2, I think a parent should always be in control of their temper when disciplining their child.  Obviously, certain behaviour might require a parent to discipline later when they have cooled down a little.

Of course, typical me, my response is it really depends.

jeanacorina

This is kind of a touchy subject for me, and I am honestly afraid of spanking my future kids. When I was younger, my dad had anger problems. He's gotten much better now, but I do remember and I do bear some emotional scars.

I don't think there's anything wrong with spanking as long as it's open-handed, not intended to actually harm the kid, and not done out of pure anger. I think there should be few offenses where spanking is considered the appropriate punishment. For instance, I don't think not picking up toys warrants a spanking.

I am very uncertain and very wary of disciplining my kids because 1) If they're anything like I was, they'll be clever little monsters and will walk all over me if I'm not careful, and 2) I am honestly afraid that I don't know where the line between punishment and abuse is. I feel bad about that, but I am lucky enough to have a husband who doesn't have the same baggage I do, and who has never, ever, EVER used any kind of physical violence to express anger. Heck, I don't even know that he DOES actually express anger. He's so freaking calm... it takes a lot to get him angry.

So, anyway, he and I have talked about my issues and fears, and he assures me that we'll work great together and he will help me figure out different parenting techniques. I'm hopeful, but yeah, the spanking issue scares me.

SeaTea02

I can't imagine taking a belt or a spoon to a child. That spells pure abuse and frustration to me. Those parents are doing it because they want their child to know something it wrong, they want to make themselves feel better and more powerful. Why is it necessary to find an instrument to cause more pain? What is wrong with your hand? 

heyimbren

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[QUOTE]I will preface this by saying I do not have kids nor am I any expert by any means so take everything with a grain of salt. I do however believe that not every form of correction works on everyone. I do think spanking has it's place and time in discipline but isn't the only form or the first option. I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine and don't see any issues with it personally.
Posted by tafft1[/QUOTE]

I really like the way you put this, tafft.

Allusive, I think that's an interesting point you made about how it makes the kid confused. TBH, I never felt that way as a kid and I'd never even considered that until now. I never wondered why it was okay for me to be spanked, but I couldn't. And I don't remember it ever hurting either. I'm against the death penalty as well, but for a different reason than that ;)

I don't like people doing it in public, because that seems to me to be a very private thing. Same way I don't like people who fight out in public either. I don't even like a whole lot of PDA- some is okay, but I don't want to see people grinding up on each other with their tongues down each other's throats at the bus stop.

Hazel_B

Someone I grew up with was disciplined with the belt. I think it was always her dad that was the enforcer as well.

What spanking really makes me think of is uneven parenting. I think both parents need to be on the same page with discipline and willing to carry it out when necessary.

I really don't want to ever have to use the line "wait until your father comes home" in relation to any serious form of discipline. This is hard to explain, but I don't want my child to be scared of discipline from one particular parent and develop trust and respect issues from that.

jeanacorina

I think I was confused by spanking- but then like I said, I was a clever little thing. I asked TONS of questions, and still do. I always want to know "Why?" and "How?"

I beat up on my little sister, and some of that probably had to do with thinking if someone could hit me when they found reason to, I should be able to hit someone else when I felt like it. I have never made much distinction between myself and people who are older than I am. The whole "adults can do this and kids can't" never flew with me.

I got into fights with boys in elementary school, and that had a lot to do with proving I was as strong as any male and could stand up for myself. My male role model was not a happy guy, and I couldn't stand up to him. So I picked fights with males my size.

I think my parents would have had a lot of success with me if they had tried to reason with me. They knew I was a smart cookie. They knew I demanded answers. I feel like they used physical punishment because it was faster and easier than trying to reason with a kid who was 5-going-on-25.

deburnin

I rebelled a lot after my mom spanked me. I started hitting my sister when she would make me upset. I also wouldn't go near my mom for a few days after she did it. I've always been a really emotional person so I cried the rest of the day even though the spanking wasn't bad at all.

I will probably not spank, especially if my kids are anything like me.

[Deleted User]

Bren - yeah, I know i'm obviously not the norm on here. Like Jeana I had a father who took things to a whole other level when I was young. I once remember him pinning me to a wall by the throat; not choking or hitting...but I definitely feel there is a line there.

I do not attempt to tell others how to handle discipline in their own homes, but I do think people need to set ground rules. If you do not have well defined parameters up front with anyone who will be disciplining your kids, it is possible you will cross the line at some point. "I was just upset/angry/mad" is never an excuse in my opinion.

cu97tiger

I think many people on here have a good handle on spanking. If it's done out of anger, then it's out of line. I was spanked as a child (occasionally with the wooden spoon) and I think I turned out just fine, with no aggression issues. The part that freaked me out was my mom saying she used to get the belt from her dad, and how lucky we were that they didn't use that on us. 

Parents that spank their children in public really bother me. If they are using spanking as a teaching tool, is the middle of a department store the right place for that? Honestly, knowing I was going to get spanked when I got home was 10x worse than if they had just spanked me and gotten it over with.

With that said, I'm trying to imagine spanking my future child(ren) and I can't even imagine it.

heyimbren

Allusive and Jeana, to be fair I think it probably has a lot to do with our past experiences then. My grandparents did spank me occasionally, but I always trusted them completely (and rightfully so). They were never excessive by any means, and like I said, it never hurt. It was the fact that I was being punished at all that I didn't like, not how they administered it. So I was definitely fortunate in that way. And they would always talk to me afterwards and explain things.

Hazel_B

Reading about Jeanna and Allusive's experience I believe that this is why my mom was always the disciplinarian in our house. My dad was busy with work and had no patience back then to deal with a kid acting out.  Whether he would have crossed a line when he was really angry I really don't know, but I think there was an agreement between my parents that my mom would be a more even in discipline.

I have no memories of ever being disciplined by dad but there was always that fear for me, when I was little, that if my dad had to step in it was NOT going to be good.

Edit: I also don't intend to make less of what anyone else has gone through. It's just making me look at my parents with different eyes and wondering if there was a strategy to their parenting style. I know for a fact that my dad would have dealt with emotional abuse and good chance of physical  abuse from his father. I think the strategy may have been to not put my dad in a place where he had to draw lines because they would be skewed based on what he grew up with.

jeanacorina

Hazel, that makes sense, and is something DH and I have talked about. The prospect of disciplining my own kids worries me because I feel like what I learned from my childhood isn't what really should happen. I don't know how much like my dad I could be. I really don't want to find out.

If DH and I need to come to an agreement and draw some lines on who punishes what, then I am all for it. I would feel better knowing that he, being the calm, logical, even-handed one, would be dealing with anything beyond a time-out, for instance.

I don't know if it sounds weird, but I think I will learn a lot of new things about parenting from my husband (sure, he'll learn some things from me, too). I am so glad my kids will have him for a dad. They're going to be so incredibly lucky.

TBH, that thought brings tears to my eyes.

Wrkn925

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[QUOTE]What about the spoon (or other instrument)? Does that change anything?
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

My grandparents used to make me pick out my own 'switch'.  They would warn that if I picked a wimpy one, they'd pick out a stronger one.

I would be bawling, running around the yard saying there were none, or finally pick out one and be crying so much they had gotten their point across.  It only took a spanking or two for them to be able to put me in line by saying, "Go 'git yourself a switch", or "I'mma get my flyswatter!". I can't remember being hit by either, but for some reason I knew (or thought)  they meant business.

I don't judge parents who choose a different form of discipline as long as their children are not scarred or heathens.

[Deleted User]

Bren - I agree that past experiences shape our views on this and many subjects. Just to be clear...I was never spanked. My father's anger issued developed more as my brother and I became teenagers. He wanted respect and control, but his methods for achieving this pushed us away and now neither of us speak to him. He taught me how NOT to parent in many ways. Thankfully I also have an amazing mom who set a wonderful example. 

In regards to physical discipline, I do not feel that it is necessary. Most of those who are OK with it on here were spanked as kids. This is how they were taught to discipline...so of course they have developed the opinion that it is OK.

Could spanking be used with proper boundaries in place? Of course. Do many people feel it is appropriate and effective? By the response on this board, I would say yes. I, however, feel that you do not have to use physical discipline if you do not want to.

For me, I want to be a parent that my kids feel comfortable talking to about anything. I want to have a close relationship with my kids, and given my mother's example - I feel this is best achieved through example. I do not want to teach my kids that hitting is OK in any situation. I completely understand that others feel differently though.

bsidebella

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O Spanking : I was spanked and have no emotional scars from it. I will probably spank my children also.
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

This. My parents did the taking away of privileges and the time outs but sometimes nothing got my brother and I to knock it off except a spanking. Then we really knew mom and dad weren't kidding. They didn't call it spanking, though. They used a Yiddish phrase that I can say but can't spell =\ 

A friend of mine, who has an almost-5 year old daughter, once said something I agree with: time outs and talks are very well and good but sometimes a hand to the bottom works wonders.

sapphirebaby926

I'm okay with spanking as a form of discipline. I was spanked a few times as a kid and don't have any emotional scars from it. I do think however that spanking doesn't work for every kid - it didn't work for my brother or sister but it was effective on me. For my niece (SIL's kid) the threat of a spanking is enough to get her to behave - if she doesn't behave though she does get a spanking. The biggest difference between my sister's kids and my SIL's kid is that SIL actually follows through. My sister will say 'if you don't do x you're going to get a spanking (or timeout or some other punishment).' But she never actually follows through on the discipline and as a result her kids are holy terrors because they know they can get away with pretty much anything.

There is a line though when spanking crosses over into abuse. We will not use any instruments when we have to spank and we will only spank with an open hand.

niknik15

For me, spanking was done after a time out. So I could think about what I had done and to have that entire time to think about getting the spanking. I think that was the worst part of it, waiting. But I'm sure it was also so my mom could calm down and not do it out of anger.

The spankings never hurt, but they were done with a piece of fence, so just a wooden board. One time in middle school I remember getting 53 spankings, although ten of my mom's was probably like one of my step-dad's. I never got any from him, although I could hear when my step-brother got his.

I don't think spanking is wrong, although I feel like it is a very private thing also and should be done at home. And should only be done on serious offenses. But for very small children a quick little pat with the hand is sometimes needed to get their mind set out of their current one and because little ones forget stuff way to quick.

To me the emotional stuff always had more effect on me. I would cry for hours if I wasn't allowed to do something. My mom even made me go to a therapist for maybe 6 months because I didn't agree with their parenting. I don't feel like we got anywhere with the counseling. And I still think that the things she did was wrong. Even now, I wish I could raise my little brother and sister (4 and 7) because I truly feel like how she parents is wrong.

ETA: I also feel that follow through is the key to any discipline method. There has to be rules that have to be followed or else the pre-set consequences will happen.

PaigeMcC

I believe spanking has it's place.  If my child is misbehaving and other forms of punishment aren't working...or if they're being a total little shiit, I see nothing wrong with a good ol' fashioned, open-handed, tap on the ass.