S/O changing last names and kids

Ana_2985

I noticed that a lot people said they are changing or are okay with changing their name because they grew up thinking they would, always assumed they would do it, or because it's the "norm" for woman to change their name at marriage.

Now that it's become more common for women to not change their names, will you want your kids to grow up with the assumption that the woman changes her name at marriage? Does it matter to you either way? Why or why not?

I'm just curious to hear other people's opinions because the whole name change thing is something I'm still thinking about a lot.

IrishDreamer

I don't have any problem with changing my name when i get married. I did it the last time, and I will do it again. My BFF hyphened her last name when she got married, and if that's what she wanted to do, then so be it. BF's last name is ridiculously long and hard enough to spell and write out without adding mine onto it as well.

It's one of those old traditions that I kinda like. It could also help that I can't stand my family, and would be quite okay giving up that last name lol. I will raise my kids (if we have any), that the woman changes her last name to her husbands. If they choose not to follow that, then it is up to them. I'm not going to force my beliefs on anyone. It's not a big deal for me, so it's kind of whatever.

oceana919

I changed my name because I liked the traditional aspects of it. We plan to raise our kids that that is a choice you will make when you're married, and that we'll respect any choice that they make in those regards.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changing-last-names-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6eda7698-d048-4141-8f49-88e02d9a3db7Post:50e6dfb4-2570-480c-ac40-4f718ec5920a">Re: S/O changing last names and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I changed my name because I liked the traditional aspects of it. We plan to raise our kids that that is a choice you will make when you're married, and that we'll respect any choice that they make in those regards.
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

This.

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changing-last-names-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6eda7698-d048-4141-8f49-88e02d9a3db7Post:50e6dfb4-2570-480c-ac40-4f718ec5920a">Re: S/O changing last names and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I changed my name because I liked the traditional aspects of it. <strong>We plan to raise our kids that that is a choice you will make when you're married, and that we'll respect any choice that they make in those regards.</strong>
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

This is what I'm thinking too. I don't want them to think the woman HAS to change her name, but I won't be disappointed at all if that's the way they decide to do it. I'm certainly not going to try to make them do it my way. As with all things, I'll want them to know that they should always make decisions based on what's best for them and not on what they're "supposed" to do. The outcome of their decision won't matter to me as long as their the ones who made the choice.

Ollie08

I decided to change my name after my first marriage because I had children with him and I wanted to have the same name as my kids. I actually dislike his last name and always have. It's much more difficult to pronounce and spell than my former name.

I still have his name. I kept it because he was re-married very shortly after the divorce was finalized and our oldest DD was just starting school. I didn't want any confusion with the schools as to who was the mother.

In retrospect, I wish I would have hyphenated last names and given the girls both, but I didn't. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with FI's last name now.

peekaboo2011

What Oceana said.  Although I was having this discussion a few months ago with a friend who asked "And what if you get published before you get married?"  So now I have no idea what I'm going to do, whenever that becomes an issue.

flygirlmeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changing-last-names-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6eda7698-d048-4141-8f49-88e02d9a3db7Post:ae67c227-6a3b-4536-8cb9-af99fd13c247">Re: S/O changing last names and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]What Oceana said.  Although I was having this discussion a few months ago with a friend who asked "<strong>And what if you get published before you get married?"</strong>  So now I have no idea what I'm going to do, whenever that becomes an issue.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

You can do what my new sis-in-law is planning . . . legally she's changing her name (and really, I don't think my brother would have it any other way!) but she'll keep her maiden name for publishing purposed.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changing-last-names-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6eda7698-d048-4141-8f49-88e02d9a3db7Post:baefba3b-d1e9-4eed-aca2-58805c82bd74">S/O changing last names and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I noticed that a lot people said they are changing or are okay with changing their name because they grew up thinking they would, always assumed they would do it, or because it's the "norm" for woman to change their name at marriage. Now that it's become more common for women to not change their names,<strong> will you want your kids to grow up with the assumption that the woman changes her name at marriage? Does it matter to you either way? Why or why not?</strong> I'm just curious to hear other people's opinions because the whole name change thing is something I'm still thinking about a lot.
Posted by Ana_2985[/QUOTE]

<div>I won't be teaching my (future) children that the woman HAS to change her last name, but I will explain to them that I changed mine because I wanted our family to all have the same last name. I am sure they will come in contact with plenty of women who didn't change their names, or who hyphenated, so hopefully they will learn that it is a personal choice.</div>

Elle1036

If I ever do have children, it's important to me that they be raised the same way I was.  My parents exposed us to a lot different lifestyles, religions, etc. and left it up to us to make decisions.

swhite2012

I have been going back and forth about changing my last name when we get married. On one hand, it's the name I've had my entire life and there isn't really anyone to carry on our family name (I have one sister and only one male cousin on my dad's side and he probably will never have kids, lol). On the other hand, my last name is extremely common, so it's not like it sets me apart from anyone else. FI's last name has traceable history and ancestry. I also want to have the same last name as my kids if we do have kids one day.

Mostly I just don't want to go through the logistical hassle of all the paperwork to change it!

TheMutleys

Our daughters and sons will know that it is a choice.  I also think that kids are very perceptive.  My first graders were aware when kids had hyphenated last names and asked why.  Since I was an overinvolved teacher, I turned it into a lesson.  We did a small unit about names and where they come from.  Part of the lesson was having the kids ask their parents where they names came from, why their parents chose their name and what was the history of their last name.  We also looked at the culture and history behind names and how naming traditions are different in different cultures/societies/countries.  I plan on teaching my kids the same things. 

DanieKA

I was very set on not changing my last name. It wasn't about it being my father's name, and then taking my husband's name. I very much felt I had grown into my own person, so what started as maybe the name my father "gave" me, has turned into the woman I am. My last name is very much a part of who I am...my history. And I love it. 

Recently, I've started to rethink that. I still don't have the urge to get rid of my name. But I went from thinking I would hyphenate to just thinking I would change my last name, but keep my maiden name as my (second) middle name. Yes, I will be Danie middle name middle name SO's last name. I'm okay with it. SO, the kids, and I will all have the same last name (the kids won't be hyphenated and I will likely sign/go by Mrs. SO's Last Name), But I'm still able to preserve a part of me that's important. 

Each name that I have is important to me in a different way. My first and given name won't change. My middle name was picked out by my older brother, who I'm extremely close with so to get rid of that is out of the question. My original last name which will be my second middle name is about my history and the woman I was before I was married. And then my new, married last name is the name of the man I chose and love. That's important too. 

KatyRoseM

I won't teach my kids that a women has to change her name, but it will probably still be the norm for those around them so they will probably still have that assumption.  In the end I don't think you can do all that much about the fact that it is still the norm in the world, so most kids will grow up thinking its normal. 

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changing-last-names-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6eda7698-d048-4141-8f49-88e02d9a3db7Post:cd195992-0b44-48b9-8e2e-887743329328">Re: S/O changing last names and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I won't teach my kids that a women has to change her name, but it will probably still be the norm for those around them so they will probably still have that assumption.<strong>  In the end I don't think you can do all that much about the fact that it is still the norm in the world</strong>, so most kids will grow up thinking its normal. 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

I could be wrong, but I don't think it's the norm in the world as much as it is the norm in the US. I'm fairly certain that's it's not nearly as common in many Central and South American countries as it is in the US. Maybe Europe too, but I don't know that much about it.

I can't say I agree with that statement in a general way either. I certainly don't plan to take such a passive stance when it comes to raising my children (if I have any). But that's another story I guess.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_changing-last-names-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:6eda7698-d048-4141-8f49-88e02d9a3db7Post:cd195992-0b44-48b9-8e2e-887743329328">Re: S/O changing last names and kids</a>:
[QUOTE]I won't teach my kids that a women has to change her name, but <strong>it will probably still be the norm for those around them</strong> so they will probably still have that assumption.  In the end I<strong> don't think you can do all that much about the fact that it is still the norm in the world, so most kids will grow up thinking its normal.</strong> 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

I think that this can be dependent upon where you live in the US.  Many more women are chosing to either keep their names or hyphenate.  Many children have hyphenated last names.  There are more children born out of wedlock today than before, and many of those children have their mother's last name.  Add in divorce and remarrying, then you get all sorts of possible combinations of last names within a family.  I don't think you can generalize as to what is 'normal.' 

And I agree with Ana in terms of how your children will know what is normal.  I also don't want my kids to go along with something just because it is 'the norm.'  

P.S.  It is not quite 'the norm' for the entire world.  Also, technically, matrinames (those pased down from the mother) existed BEFORE patrinames. 

KatyRoseM

You are quite right, it's the norm in the US (and again, not some parts).  I don't consider myself to have a passive stance, however I've known people who raised kids saying something wasn't normal that was, the kids just didn't believe their parents.  If I change my name, my sister and SIL changed their names, and most of the mothers of my kids friends changed their names my kids will think it is normal, no matter how much I say its not the norm. 

desertsun

I'm going to raise my kids to think "normal" is a dirty word!

Okay, I'm mostly kidding on that, because I will NOT be raising special snowflakes.

But my children WILL be raised to think for themselves, to understand that YOU get to decide who you are, and that what matters is not how "normal" you are. Integrity and kindness are most important.

That's my long way of saying I'm actually pretty happy I kept my maiden name in its entirety and added my husband's name on the end. We'll probably just use his last name for our kids. But they will grow up with a mother who didn't do the "normal" thing, and it makes me really happy and proud that I will be an example to them of how it's okay to be true to yourself and do what feels right to you regardless of what people around you might be doing.