Not Engaged Yet

VENT: (DDed, enjoy LOLcats instead)

Re: VENT: (DDed, enjoy LOLcats instead)

  • Breathe darling, breathe. I know how you are feeling. My FI has a tendency to shut down and become all grumpy when things aren't going his way (ie: not working out as much over the holidays after he hurt his shoulder) and I feel like I am pulling freaking teeth to get him to open up and when he does it like somehow my fault. He always apologizes at the end and thanks me for pulling him out of his funk but DAMN if it isn't annoying that he is too darn stubborn to do it himself. Men just don't communicate the same way as women.

    I would say you should give it a day to calm down, then talk to FI tomorrow and explain why you are upset. Then drop it for the evening and enjoy NYE with the girls. You guys can further discuss things and set you goals while you drive to Miami on Sunday.

    Good luck!
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • I think you're overreacting. Why does it matter SO much if he didn't have time to think about it? Maybe he has had TIME, but just didn't think about it yet. FI is the same way. I'll ask him, "So, have you thought about xyz yet?" He'll say, "Nope. Not yet." I used to get all pissed about how can he not have had time to think about it? But really he just doesn't think about things- a one track mind maybe? When I'm going on a drive, my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking about everything I need to think about. But sometimes when I ask FI "What are you thinking about?" He responds one of two ways. 1) "How hot you are." 2) "Nothing."  He really just isn't thinking about things sometimes- he just is zoning out and relaxing.

    Especially if your FI is really busy right now, he probably isn't thinking.  He needed that time TO zone out. I get that you are frustrated that he isn't *thinking* about things, but those things seem to be thinks that are important to you, not so much to him right now. He probably is more concerned about his work than those things.
     
    This is what he said:  "Oh, I haven't had time to think about it"
    This is what you wanted him to say:  "I haven't really given it any thought, but maybe we can brainstorm on our way to Miami on Sunday"
    Do you see how ridiculous that is? You're upset because he said the SAME thing, just in a different way. Both of those ways to say something mean that he hasn't had time to think about it. He probably just was thinking it was common knowledge that you'd talk about it on Sunday. He isn't you. He can't read your mind and KNOW what you want him to say in order for you not to get pissed. He pretty much did say what you wanted, just left off the last part. It's silly to be upset about a choice of words like this.

    Maybe try thinking it through together? Ask him on Sunday if he's thought about it. If not say something like, "Okay. Well do you want to think it through together?" And ask him a good question to start for some guidance and hopefully you can start talking about the situation.
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
    image
  • Thanks CCO

    And hope you're right, all of that resonated with me, especially the first paragraph. I guess part of this is an underlying issue with laziness in general. Yeah, this one example happens to be during the crappiest week of the year for FI, but it's a constant battle with him laying around and being lazy and never trying to improve in any way!

    I absolutely love him the way he is and I don't want him to change, but I always want to see people trying to better themselves. Whether it's through more education or a new hobby or whatever. I am happy with where I am in life, but I always think "ok, what's next?" "What else can I conquer?" whereas he's like "I'm alright. I'm making things work, we're in a pretty good place financially, I'm just going to sleep and lay around all day" That's what bugs me.

    I know I overreacted with this one particular instance, but honestly it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Hope is right that taking exception to phrasing could be overreacting, but I take from this that you aren't upset specifically about how he phrased that. You are having issues with his seeming apathy about getting motivated to set goals/budgets and his general laziness of late. THAT is not an overreaction - you need your mate to be on the same page with you in that area. You don't care that he needs zone-out time, or that he hadn't given it a lot of thought yet - you just want to know that something you told him was important to you, is important to him too. You want to know that he WILL think about it. It's the oldest story in the book - the issue bothering you is deeper than the little surface explosion that set you off.

    Also, it IS something that's important to him, not just you. Why else would he propose another solution to a money issue, and have an emotional reaction to it? I would have been incredibly frustrated as well, if I suggested a solution to an issue to Jon, and he turned around later and acted accusatory about the issue. That's not fair, and borders on hypocritical. Granted, he doesn't need to have his testicles removed over it, but he should be called on treating you unfairly, if only for a moment.

    Once you've both given each other time to cool down, you could say something to him like, "Ok, it looks like you have thought about this budget situation more than you think you have, since you came up with an idea already. We can talk about the debit card possibility if you like, and I would like to share some of my ideas with you as well. I think we want the same end result, so I know we can come up with some good plans together."
  • Hope has already said most of what I was thinking, so I'll just tell you that on one hand, I'm in the same boat as you.... I really want FI and I to stop spending so much money on little things (going out to dinner 4+ times a week) and start budgeting. FI is the one that is used to being able to spend whatever he wants, so he's really railing against it and has not done a good job even though he said he would.

    On the other hand, of the two of us, I'm probably the one that is 'lazy.' FI is awesome at sticking to goals, and working out even when he doesn't feel good, etc. He immediately cleans stuff up, while I'm the one that would rather lay on the couch relaxing for an hour, then cleaning up. 

    This is the work part of the relationship. You say you don't want to change him, but you want him to better himself. Maybe do some thinking about why this behavior really bothers you, and whether you can truly just let him be him. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    "You are made of win." -SopChick
    Still here and still fabulous!

  • My BF can be the same way, completely at ease with the way things are and not really looking towards new goals and future wants/needs.  I swear I have said the exact same words as you and then turned around and heard just what Hope said "he said the SAME thing just in a different way" when I didn't get the answer I wanted from him.


    I also agree that it seems like he has ideas on the budgeting issue but went about bringing it up the wrong way by waiting for a "situation" to occur before being willing to address it.  This could be a great way for you to open up the lines of communication.  I like the idea of saying "you clearly have thoughts and ideas about our finances and so do I, I think we should sit down and discuss the best way to handle this and while we are at it come up with ways to save". 


    I've found that once I figured out what made the BF open to these kinds of discussions, I was in like Flynn.  Harping about thinking up things does not do it for him, he just thinks I'm a nag.  I found that if I just went ahead with MY plan (ie: doing my goals as well as coming up with things for US) and I just said "hey I made my list can I share it with you and see what you think" draws him in to a conversation he never really intended to have.  He doesn't feel pressured to DO something and finds that he 1. actually has ideas for future things for us as well  2. finds he really does have stuff he'd like to accomplish personally as well and 3. Is now ready to discuss an action plan because he's in the moment and excited about it.


    I don't think you have to CHANGE him at all because he is who he is and after all that's why you love him.  Perhaps it is just that you need to figure out how he works best and go at it from a different angle.  



    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_vent-fi-lazy-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:6fd91e53-a96f-49bf-ba88-10e7aaf0bcf8Post:87d9a538-2c32-4abe-9897-c41f1ed782aa">Re: VENT: My FI is LAZY (long, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think you have to CHANGE him at all because he is who he is and after all that's why you love him.  <strong>Perhaps it is just that you need to figure out how he works best and go at it from a different angle</strong>.  
    Posted by doubleSS07[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I do. You're right.

    Thank you all for listening to me whine and vent. It's kind of one of those stupid arguments like from the Break Up "I don't want you to do the dishes. I want you to <em>want</em> to do the dishes" lol

    Thank you ladies for being here and letting me get it off my chest and helping me make sense of it all. And I sincerely appreciate all of the sound advice you gave. There are some great points and I think for now, I'll just let it go and bring it up when it feels right. But until then I'll keep plugging away at my own goals.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image
  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    I think that just because something is on your mind doesn't mean it has to be on your SO's mind and he has to get on the same page as you immediately.

    People just work differently, and you need to be patient with your SO.

    But same goes for him. He needs to understand that you need to feel like he is supporting your common goals.

    When it comes to personal goals, I think you need to let your SO decide for themselves how ambitious they want to be, and it is important to either have a similar level of drive or be able to accept a different level of drive in your partner.

    Really, what it boils down to is having the right attitude/perspective, and being able to talk to each other.

    I hope you guys are able to talk through it.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


  • Ollie08Ollie08 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Thanks Desert, I was actually hoping you'd pop in and read before I DDed since you have such great advice.

    You are right, and we will work through it. I think I was just so miffed by the events of this morning that everything seemed 10 times worse.

    I honestly think the best thing for us right now is for me to just let it go until the New Year. Tonight and tomorrow will be hellish days at the dealership for him and it will be the last thing on his mind.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image
  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I used to get really frustrated with my H b/c he is so NOT a planner and I am.

    But then I realized that actually, that helps me be less stressed and more laid back, and I'm much happier this way than I was always stressing about the future and feeling the need for some kind of detailed plans.

    Sometimes really detailed plans can actually be a little self-defeating, b/c life has a funny way of disrupting the best laid plans, right? And then you get all upset b/c something hasn't turned out the way you wanted in the time you wanted.

    Anyway, just trying to say that sometimes, having a more laid back SO can be a really positive thing if you let it be.

    But sometimes, I DO have to really put my foot down and emphasize that I need that trash taken out TODAY, b/c the stink is making me want to vomit and I took it out the last two times. :)

    Again, you guys just need to be able to talk to each other and respect that you're individuals and you have common goals and you need to work toward those goals in a way that you can both be content with.

    GL!

    ETA: Also, since I missed your DD warning, I will go back and edit my earlier post so you're not quoted.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards