ugh major vent

jaycee7389

so i have a feeling some people might flame me for this, but whatevs i need to vent. (back story) my bf and i have been in the talks of getting engaged, ring shopping, and it's not really a secret to our families. with our new business and relatively new home we just don't have the money and wanted to wait a little longer.

now on to the vent..my little sister, who is 19 and a freshman in college, has been dating her BF for about 3 years. he is in the navy and is going to be moving even farther away for at least 6 months. she literally has told him that she wants her ring now, and doesnt want to have to wait until he gets back. that is my first issue, telling someone you want your ring is ridic. secondly, she is a freshman in college and they have no intentions in getting married for at least 4 years. and most of all, i'm just annoyed because this has all come about once she was informed that BF and I were most likely going to get engaged soon, and she is trying to make sure she is first. ughhhh sorry long vent..but i am just so annoyed! i don't even know what to think or say..which means i probably shouldn't say anything. but idk..am i wrong? or would you be annoyed too?

peekaboo2011

Your sister sounds like a spoiled brat.  Sorry, that was harsh.

I wouldn't say anything to her.  Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's mature enough to handle being engaged, and her BF might recognize this.  And if he does, he might tell her too bad, so sad, or end it.  I know I would if I were him.  Sorry, again, that was harsh.

I'd be annoyed, and I'd probably say something.  But I would regret it.  It's like not being engaged and telling your engaged family "We're getting married on THIS day, so you can't!"  It makes you sound entitled and whiney and much younger than you actually are.  Relax.  If she forces him into an engagement now, just to be FIRST, you can rest assured that karma will get her before you have to.  

SeaTea02

mmmm, I see a few things here. 

1) You can't expect everyone else to put their lives on hold for you. While you are engaged other people you are close to or related to might also be engaged and get married. It is part of life called sharing. 

2) You can't expect to get married first just because you are the older sister. As the youngest and first to get married, it is hard for my sisters to get passed that, but necessary. 

3) Do you know for sure if she actually "demanded" it? 

4) If your sister is really doing this to beat you to the punch, she has issues and is wrong. I can see how an older sister might just feel that way, because again you expect that you should get to do this first. Maybe this really isn't about you. 

5) I can also see as a little sister that she just wants to keep up with her big sister or feel included. As an adult she should be over this, but being 19 she might not be mature enough to do so. If this really is the case she isn't ready for marriage and you should almost feel bad for her knowing the situations she is going to encounter. 

EDT: Number five added

bethsmiles

If my little brother decided to get engaged his freshman year of college I would just straight up tell him he was a dumbass - but that is the kind of relationship we have. But you really don't need to worry about this. It doesn't matter who gets engaged first, it's not a race. She may be being annoying but remember she is 19, most 19 year olds are exactly mature so don't expect her to act older than her age. You are the older, wiser one here so be the bigger person and if she does get engaged be happy for her.

jaycee7389

don't worry peek, i didn't find it harsh lol. i don't want her to end up single over this whole thing, but it is pretty ridiculous that she is demanding a ring.

seatea--i don't have a problem with her getting engaged first or her being first because i'm older, i just have a problem with her trying to hurry up and do it now just so SHE can be first. as for her demanding the ring, i was told by our mom who she told. my mom obviously doesn't agree with it either. i think you could be right about #5, I think she possibly just doesn't want to feel left out when her BF is gone for 6 months and i'm happily living with mine.

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-major-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:700ac771-c8e7-442f-ade8-ecca742e1831Post:c74b25ab-f191-45bf-9a50-1f03ff298dad">Re: ugh major vent</a>:
[QUOTE]If my little brother decided to get engaged his freshman year of college I would just straight up tell him he was a dumbass
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

haha, i WANT to say that but i know she'd hate me if i did. i don't want to come off as a terrible older sister, i truly would be happy for her..i just don't like how she is going about this whole thing. also, i'm sincerely worried about everyone thinking they are, as you said, dumbasses for getting engaged at 19.

alanna91

Just because she's demanding the ring now, it doesn't mean she's going to get it.
Even if she does, that doesn't mean she'll get married before you.
And even if she does get married before you, it doesn't mean that there won't be any attention left for you when you get married!!

I'd like to say you should feel happy for her, but if you're right when you say she's demanding the ring, it's not exactly the same. I don't have any sisters, so I don't know if it's just some friendly sibling competition. But if it is, demanding a ring to get married before you're sister certainly isn't the mature way to go about a marriage.

As far as her age, I don't think getting engaged at nineteen would mean she is a dumbass. Of course I'm nineteen (BF  is twenty-one), so I'm biased. But you know your sister better than I do, so if you don't think she's mature enough for marriage and is rushing into an engagement, I guess that's a dumbass sort of thing to do.

BTW, congratulations on owning a new business!

[Deleted User]

This definitely sounds like a little sister thing to do.  I agree with seatea's #5.  My little sister loves my BF dearly but will sometimes take out her jealousy on him because she wants to be in a serious relationship.

Talk to her about rushing to get a ring and have a lot of extra girl time with her when her BF leaves.  Long distance is super hard, but having my sister here for me helps a lot and I'm sure it will help her to have your support for her.

SeaTea02

Yeah, I am 20 so I can't say anything about her age, and I wont. 

But as PP said, she wont necessarily get married before you, especially if she is waiting 4 years, so I fail to see how she will really be doing anything major first. I just think you are over reading as to why she wants to get engaged. You are assuming the only reason is because you do. This is probably stemming from her wanting to do what you do your entire life and you finding it annoying. I know she is your sister and you love her but you shouldn't be stressing or upset about her wanting to get engaged because YOU want to get engaged. I can see worrying because she isn't mature or ready, but it does kind of seem like you are worried about the spot light here. 

heyimbren

My concern about this is how you keep referring to how you're annoyed because...[reason]. It sounds less like you're actually concerned about how this could affect her relationship or her life, and more like you just want to vent about how this is annoying you.

Maybe that isn't the way you mean it, but that's just something I noticed.

Either way, she is 19 and she is an adult and this is her relationship; some older sister adviced may or may not be welcomed. I think that would definitely depend on how you talked to her about it. But she is an adult and she is making her own choices ultimately.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-major-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:700ac771-c8e7-442f-ade8-ecca742e1831Post:4f6c81a4-430d-4278-8b04-fbfdd66fd1b2">Re: ugh major vent</a>:
[QUOTE]My concern about this is how you keep referring to how you're annoyed because...[reason]<strong>. It sounds less like you're actually concerned about how this could affect her relationship or her life, and more like you just want to vent about how this is annoying you</strong>. Maybe that isn't the way you mean it, but that's just something I noticed. Either way, she is 19 and she is an adult and this is her relationship; some older sister adviced may or may not be welcomed. I think that would definitely depend on how you talked to her about it. But she is an adult and she is making her own choices ultimately.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

You're the older sister. Be the bigger person. Be mature.

What does it matter who is "first?" If it matters to her, that's HER issue. Not yours. Don't let it affect you.

jaycee7389

i'm not so much concerned about her age and the fact that she just started college, as i am about how she is going about demanding a ring. she has a really great boyfriend who treats her with total respect, and i don't think it is right for her to be basically giving him an ulimatium (especially over something like this).

and to bren-i'm only annoyed with how she is handling herself. she is an adult, like you said, so i really don't have a place to tell her what to do. i do feel bad for her that she has to do the LD thing all the time, and i'm always there for her. if you read one of my later posts i said i'm worried that she will either lose him or if he does propose a lot of family and friends won't take them seriously.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-major-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:700ac771-c8e7-442f-ade8-ecca742e1831Post:89ec5238-fd5d-4af9-9736-fbbaa122baa9">Re: ugh major vent</a>:
[QUOTE]i'm not so much concerned about her age and the fact that she just started college, as i am about how she is going about demanding a ring. she has a really great boyfriend who treats her with total respect, and i don't think it is right for her to be basically giving him an ulimatium (especially over something like this). and to bren-i'm only annoyed with how she is handling herself. she is an adult, like you said, so i really don't have a place to tell her what to do. i do feel bad for her that she has to do the LD thing all the time, and i'm always there for her. if you read one of my later posts i said i'm worried that she will either lose him or if he does propose a lot of family and friends won't take them seriously.
Posted by pghRN[/QUOTE]

But either way, it really isn't your relationship. If my sister was doing this (ughh not yet... she's not quite 15!) I'd like to think that my reaction would be "this may not be the best thing for your relationship because..." as opposed to "wow, that ultimatum you gave him is really annoying ME".

I'm not saying that is how you feel, but that's how it came across in that post. I'm sure you are concerned for her, but even if you don't agree with her actions they really don't affect you that much.

jaycee7389

ahh i see what you're saying, i misread it the first time. yeah pretty much, i'm pmsing hardcore so that adds extra biitch to my personality today. don't get me wrong though, i do care about what's best for her

SeaTea02

Bren said what I was trying to say better. Your initial post clearly says 

"i'm just annoyed because this has all come about once she was informed that BF and I were most likely going to get engaged soon, and she is trying to make sure she is first. "

This indicates that you are annyoed because you think she is getting engaged just because you are. This classic sister behavior and dynamics. 

And she gave him an ultimatium, yes, but it is their relationship. 

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-major-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:700ac771-c8e7-442f-ade8-ecca742e1831Post:387a5542-d8ac-43ca-a490-b3a33cdab89b">Re: ugh major vent</a>:
[QUOTE]ahh i see what you're saying, i misread it the first time. yeah pretty much, i'm pmsing hardcore so that adds extra biitch to my personality today. don't get me wrong though,<strong> i do care about what's best for her</strong>
Posted by pghRN[/QUOTE]

Of course you do. She's your sister and you love her.

The best thing you can do is just be there for her. Don't enable behavior you don't agree with or think is unhealthy, but try to find constructive ways of sharing your wisdom with your little sis. Be a good role model. Talk to her about her relationship and her life. Be a good sister. And let go of being annoyed with her. It just doesn't benefit anyone. You've vented to us about it, and now you can let it go and move on. :)

luvdncn90

I don't have a sister so I have never dealth with this.
 
However one of my older brothers was in a relationship for four years and was saving for a ring until they broke up. When he found out BF and I have been talking about getting married in the next year or so, he told me not to plan for the future because things change. I understood his concern and appreciated his advice, but I also know that my relationship with my BF is very different then his past relationship with his ex. But as my older brother I took what he said into consideration and even if it came from a jealous place, he's my brother and I love him and everything he says to me is important and I take to heart.


Alll I'm saying is tell your sister your concerns. She will still love you and most likely she will take what you say into consideration.

perkins81

I would def be annoyed too, but unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do about it except live your life and be happy and don't worry about what she tries to do with hers (as far as engagement goes).

Your happiness does not depend on her. Let her do her own thing and you can still have joy and happiness in your own life.

Elle1036

Venting around here is fine -- goodness knows we've all done it ourselves.  Just try to get all of that annoyance out here so that, if your sister comes to you soon with the news that she's engaged, you can be appropriately happy for her.

I would be annoyed, too, if I were you.  It was frustrating for me to watch FI's younger sister get engaged, and then married, before FI and I even started to talk seriously about marriage, even though we had been together longer than his sister and her guy.  I know how it feels.

dragonwagon

I hate it when girls demand a proposal. Even if she does get the ring, every time she sees it she will know that she had to make him give it to her instead of waiting until he was ready to do it himself.

shipsinthenight

I agree with the majority of posts. You're allowed to be annoyed, it's not cool if your sis is demanding a ring, ulimatums are never good for relationships, and here is the best place to vent. I worry about girls who want to get engaged so young. Even if you've been with your SO for a long time (several years) when you're 18, 19, 20...you're still maturing and developing, especially mentally and emotionally. It's not like back in the day when our grandparents grew up and a lot of people got married around that age. Granted, a lot of them were getting married around war time too, but the entire global community was very different. People didn't change careers as often as they do now. Most women didn't work. Stuff was different. But now adays...it just doesn't really make sense to get engaged that early because your emotional and mental state will probably change, not to mention your financial circumstances. Of course if I were 19, my BF was shipping out, my sis was about to get engaged...I'd probably be jelous. Hopefully I would have better sense than to make demands of my BF though...smells like relationship suicide to me.

Look at it this way: you know you and your man are in it for the long haul. You're more mature, you've put in the work, and have a realistic grasp on things. You're sister is younger. Best case senario, her BF says no, we need to wait, if we can last through the distance we can be more sure of ourselves....yada yada yada...She may not like it, but if she accepts it, they may have a chance at things. Worst case senario he gives in to her demands, they get engaged, he feels resentment, something goes wrong, the engagement breaks, sis is heartbroken, but hopefully learns a valuable lesson. (Sometimes this kind of pain is necessary at this age to form a better, more realistic relationship in the future.) Or there could be some result in the middle. Either way, you'll get married first, be super happy, and do your best to give your sister whatever support she needs.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ugh-major-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:700ac771-c8e7-442f-ade8-ecca742e1831Post:7bd20483-b9a4-4be1-a355-2c08286ad961">Re: ugh major vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with the majority of posts. You're allowed to be annoyed, it's not cool if your sis is demanding a ring, ulimatums are never good for relationships, and here is the best place to vent.<strong> I worry about girls who want to get engaged so young. Even if you've been with your SO for a long time (several years) when you're 18, 19, 20...you're still maturing and developing, especially mentally and emotionally. It's not like back in the day when our grandparents grew up and a lot of people got married around that age. Granted, a lot of them were getting married around war time too, but the entire global community was very different. People didn't change careers as often as they do now. Most women didn't work. Stuff was different. But now adays...it just doesn't really make sense to get engaged that early because your emotional and mental state will probably change, not to mention your financial circumstances. </strong>Of course if I were 19, my BF was shipping out, my sis was about to get engaged...I'd probably be jelous. Hopefully I would have better sense than to make demands of my BF though...smells like relationship suicide to me. Look at it this way: you know you and your man are in it for the long haul. You're more mature, you've put in the work, and have a realistic grasp on things. You're sister is younger. Best case senario, her BF says no, we need to wait, if we can last through the distance we can be more sure of ourselves....yada yada yada...She may not like it, but if she accepts it, they may have a chance at things. Worst case senario he gives in to her demands, they get engaged, he feels resentment, something goes wrong, the engagement breaks, sis is heartbroken, but hopefully learns a valuable lesson. (Sometimes this kind of pain is necessary at this age to form a better, more realistic relationship in the future.) Or there could be some result in the middle. Either way, you'll get married first, be super happy, and do your best to give your sister whatever support she needs.
Posted by shipsinthenight[/QUOTE]

I disagree with the bolded part. I <u>do</u> think it's important for younger couples to really think through the decision to get engaged and probably look into pre-marital counselling as well, and for them to ask themselves "what's the rush?" in particular. But I also do not want to make a generalization that it doesn't make sense for younger couples to get married. And it isn't as uncommon as you seem to think here, it isn't something that used to happen with grandparents. Marrying younger does tend to be more common among some communities. While I agree with you that it's a huge decision that should not be taken lightly, I'm also not going to say it doesn't make sense for some to do it.